Chapter 20 Eleanor
Eleanor
Late Sunday morning, I crack my eyes open and reach for my phone, yearning for my Shinsu.
No new messages.
My heart sinks like a hefty stone. I’ve gotten so used to seeing his name pop up on my screen throughout the day, that the absence of it hurts more than I could’ve prepared myself for. Yet, I know I don’t deserve to hear from him after going silent since Friday night.
Shinsu’s been so good to me all week, sending me the sweetest musings and compliments, keeping my soul fed as I struggled through each day.
Then at night we’d talk for hours, things getting more than a little heated before I’d fall asleep happy, knowing I’m loved, and able to brace myself for another day.
It broke my heart to cancel this weekend, but I had no choice.
My boss dumped a giant project on my desk before he left for a weekend of golfing, knowing the presentation is already scheduled for Monday.
Thanks to doing business with my mother over many years, he’s well aware of my inability to say no and my fear of disappointing her.
Breaking the news to Shinsu was the hardest thing I’ve done in a long time.
There was simply no way I would’ve been able to balance Starry Hill and my work.
I was fighting back tears the entire conversation, keeping my sentences short, afraid Shinsu would detect how upset I was at the prospect of not seeing him.
Would he ever forgive me? Would he understand why I was so short on the phone?
I tried my best to get everything done so I could at least spend some time with him this weekend, but the paperwork I was given was incomplete and I needed to do more research than anticipated.
Somewhere past midnight on Friday I passed out at my desk, and once I woke I decided to remain at work until everything was entirely done.
So many times throughout Saturday I picked up my phone, the desire to call Shinsu almost unbearably strong, but then I’d pinch myself before chucking my phone in my drawer again.
If I heard his voice, I knew I’d cave and ask him to come save me, to take me to Starry Hill with him, and never return to this godsforsaken place.
I can’t go on like this. My soul is withering away the longer I stay at this job. I hate being away from Shinsu, from Starry Hill, and my loving community there. And knowing what true happiness feels like now, it seems inconceivable to continue with life as is.
But how can I be so selfish to want a different life than the one I have right now? Shouldn’t I be grateful for having a secure job, my own home, and a sweet dragon to visit on weekends? It seems conceited, wrong, to want more for myself when I already have so much.
In desperate need of advice, I stumble out of bed and throw on some comfy sweats, and head upstairs to Audrey’s place.
“You look like shit,” Audrey says as she opens the door.
“Thanks. I feel like it,” I mumble, shuffling toward her couch and collapsing onto it.
Audrey props a hand on her hip as she studies me. “Coffee, wine, or something stronger?”
“Stronger,” I groan.
“Fuck.” Cocking a brow at me, Audrey asks, “That bad?”
My shoulders climb up to my ears. “Maybe?”
“On it.” Audrey heads to the kitchen and comes back with a bottle of strong liquor I haven’t touched since university days, and places two shot glasses on the coffee table. “Just to kick us off and loosen your tongue.”
I grimace as the awful taste hits my tongue, but I swallow it down gratefully. “Gross.”
Audrey pours a second shot. “Boys, work, family, or all of the above?”
“Work mostly,” I cough out after swallowing down the near poison. “But I think I fucked up with my boy too.”
Just the thought of Shinsu sends a pang through my heart and I check my phone again. Still no new messages.
Audrey taps her empty glass on the table. “Look, work stuff I can always help with, but when it comes to love, I’m severely lacking.”
“You did pretty well last time.”
Wiggling her eyebrows, Audrey asks, “That nudging go well for you?”
“Very.” My cheeks burn as images of Shinsu’s beautiful face flash through my head, his adoring gaze as he made love to me burned into my memory forever.
“So we’re beyond nudging now?”
“We’re in the ‘I love you’ stage now.” Half of me wants to swoon at the thought, but the other half of me is too scared to allow myself to.
“Damn girl. That was fast,” Audrey sputters. Hesitantly, she raises her hand. “Well done?”
I lower her hand again and shake my head. “Not well done. I haven’t heard from him since Friday.” Finally, I confess my biggest fear, the words quivering over my lips, “I’m scared I might lose him.”
“Fuck.” Audrey freezes before rallying herself again.
“Usually I’m the one who dissuades women from falling in love and running after a cock or two, so I think I might need to call in some reinforcements to help us out here.
” Sitting forward, she takes my hand, her voice tender as she says, “I’m sure whatever happened is a simple misunderstanding and can be sorted out with a frank conversation.
You’re a catch and he’s lucky to have you.
But listen, you didn’t hear this from me.
Not only is Beck a hottie, he’s a good guy too and I think you’re well matched.
If I’d wish a truly happy life for you, it would be with him. And on Starry Hill.”
I squeeze her hand back. “That means a lot to me. Thank you.”
“Fuck,” Audrey groans, her nose wrinkled and shoulders slouched. “All the good ones are over there, aren’t they?”
That pulls a smile from me for the first time today.
“They certainly seem to be. Want to pack your bags and move there with me? We can live out our happily ever afters in Starry Hill.” Even if I don’t know where I stand with Shinsu, I’m not giving up on my dream of being together. Not until he tells me it’s over.
“Yeah, that’ll be the day,” Audrey says with a snort.
“At most I might consider a little vacation there to go help Tilly out once she pops. I might even partake in a mini fuck fest on the side. Fuck knows there might be a cock or two interesting enough to keep my attention for a little while. But only if it’s no strings attached and they promise not to fall in love with me. ”
“You know, just by saying it you’re probably going to meet someone and fall for them first.”
Audrey’s head rears back. “Ew. Take that talk straight to the bathroom and go flush it down the drain.”
“Nah, I’m already wondering what color your cottage door will be.”
Audrey rolls her eyes at me, then says, “On a serious note, I’m clearly unqualified to give you advice on your love life. Hang tight while I call a couple more knowledgeable friends.”
“Thank you. Let me go freshen up a little so they’re not alarmed by the state of my dark circles.” Pausing halfway to the bathroom, I look back at my chaotic but bighearted friend. “You’re the best. You know that?”
“Oh, talking about the best,” Audrey says, already scrolling on her phone. “Don’t mind the bag of dicks in the bathroom. I’ve been a little sexually frustrated and nothing was working last night. Cycled through a couple of options and still need to put them away after their bath.”
“Thanks for the heads-up.” I’m not quite sure how else to respond to that. How many dicks does one prepare oneself for? I just hope I don’t see anything resembling Shinsu’s cocks.
By the time there’s a knock on the door, I’m a little more relaxed after being entertained by recollections of Audrey’s wildest escapades. But my eyes start to water as Tilly and Maisie enter, followed by Lucille.
They each take turns hugging me, then Audrey orders enough food to feed a small army. Once everyone’s settled and has a drink in hand—Tilly’s being a sparkling grape juice—all eyes turn to me.
“Spill,” Maisie says from her position on the floor. “We heard you had a relationship wobble and we’re here to help you fix it.”
“You first,” I counter. “How did you get here?” Part of me hopes they say Shinsu and that he’s waiting right outside the door, ready for me to run into his arms.
Tilly’s smile is understanding. “Viggo.”
“Not Sh— Beck?” I ask, needing to confirm. It feels weird to call him Beck, but I know how much sharing his name means to him and I want to be respectful of that. Besides, I kind of like sharing secrets with him.
Lucille reaches across the couch for me. “We haven’t seen him, dear. I thought he was with you.”
Tilly nods. “Yeah. Bodin thought so too at first, because no one answered when the guys went over for Knights and Castles. The mill was dark, even the gears were still.”
My heart rate ratchets up as I bolt upright. “Do you think he’s okay? Has anything bad happened to him?”
“He’s okay,” Tilly reassures me, placing a hand on my thigh. “They could detect he was at home, just not up for company.”
I drop my head into my heads, a sob breaking through as I admit, “I fucked up. So much.”
Scooting closer, Maisie says gently, “Tell us what happened.”
Lucille rubs my back in soothing circles, her touch familiar and comforting. “Start at the beginning, dear Eleanor.”
So, I do. I tell them about falling in love. How much Shinsu means to me, how much I hate my job, and how awful it is that it keeps me away from him.
“Quit,” Audrey chirps, making it sound easy and like my whole life could be solved with that on word.
I frown. “Just like that?”
“Why not?” Audrey throws back at me.
Feeling like I’m missing something, I say, “I need to live. Buy food, pay rent—”
Audrey cuts me off. “Doesn’t sound like you’re living much right now.”
The statement stuns me. A breath puffs out of me as the truth of it hits me square in the chest.
Maisie quirks her head to the side as she stares at me with compassionate sage eyes. “Why do you stay there if it makes you so unhappy? Why not find another job?”