Chapter 7
CHAPTER 7
ATTICUS
As always seemed to happen, Dr. Jensen popped up on the screen before I could get the damn sound to work on my end.
“Can you hear me?” I asked for the third time.
She shook her head no, and her mouth moved as she said something I couldn’t make out.
“Shit…” Then my sound suddenly started working. “Can you hear me now?”
“I can now, yes.” She nodded. “Hi, Atticus. Long time no see.”
“I know. I finally have a chance to think straight with the band on break.”
I’d decided to do this session from my car, which was parked outside Mimi’s. There was no sense in going somewhere else around town where I might be recognized. I also hadn’t told my family I was here in Monksville yet, since I knew I wouldn’t have time to see them right away. I planned to visit them after the two weeks with Mimi were over. Then I’d actually have time to hang out with my sister and her kids. Like Nicole’s mom, my parents had moved down to Florida, so I wouldn’t be seeing them this trip. But there was a chance my sister would find out I was in town if the press got wind of it. The tabloids didn’t target me nearly as much as they did Tristan, but occasionally I’d catch someone on my tail when I went for a coffee run back in L.A. It was unlikely anyone was camped out here, though, but you couldn’t be too careful.
“I’m glad you scheduled an appointment,” Dr. Jensen said. “Why don’t you fill me in on what’s been happening since we last spoke.”
My mind had been in a tailspin lately, and I needed that to end. There was only one way to make that happen. I let out the breath I’d been holding. “I think I’m ready to talk about her.” I shut my eyes, feeling immediate regret about committing to something I wasn’t sure I could handle.
“You’re ready to talk about what happened with you and Nicole, you mean?”
“Well, ready is not the best term. It’s more like I need to talk about it or it’s going to kill me. I’ll probably never be ready.”
“What brought you to this decision?”
“Funny you should ask…” I chuckled. “We’re temporarily living together, actually.”
Dr. Jensen’s eyes went wide. I explained the situation with Mimi and the favor Nicole had asked of me. All Dr. Jensen had known prior to this was that I was divorced, that Nicole was dating a former friend of mine, and that I wasn’t willing to talk about any of the things that had led to the demise of our relationship. Needless to say, we could only get so far in therapy without my full participation.
“Well, this news is certainly a surprise.”
“Yeah. For me, too,” I said.
She scribbled something down. “I think for me to understand the impact Nicole has had on your life, we need to go back to the beginning. Are you willing to do that? It would require reliving some of the happier times, which might be difficult. But I think it would be good for you to feel all of that in order to release any trapped emotions.”
This is going to be fucking hard. I rubbed my eyes. “Okay, well, you’re gonna have to guide me because I have no clue where to begin.”
“Of course. Like I said, we’ll start from the beginning. Why don’t you tell me how you and Nicole met?”
An image of Nicole lying lazily on the tweed couch in Cassius’s basement flashed through my mind—her long, black hair splayed across the sofa, her sweet smile as she watched us practice. Younger and forbidden. I detailed for Dr. Jensen how I’d met Nicole and how we became friends while I waited in the wings for her to turn eighteen, the age at which I’d mentally decided she was no longer too innocent for me.
“She’d usually linger after we were done practicing, and we’d walk home together,” I explained. “Sometimes we’d stop halfway and just sit and talk. Nicole and I could talk about anything. I could tell her about my insecurities and not worry about being judged. It really was platonic in the beginning…”
Dr. Jensen smiled. “Sounds like she was the whole package.”
“Yeah. On top of everything else, she was the most beautiful girl I’d ever laid eyes on. I also loved that she didn’t take shit from anyone and could hang with us guys and handle all our crazy, lewd talk without batting an eyelash. It was like she was one of us, aside from the obvious fact that she was very much female and a knockout.”
“And I’m sure you weren’t the only one of the guys who had eyes for her…”
“You’d be correct. That was stressful.”
She grinned. “So, once you and she started dating, what was that like?”
“It was amazing. I couldn’t get enough of her, physically and otherwise. On top of that, my family became like her family, too. Nicole is an only child, so she and my sister became close. I knew early on that Nicole was the one, that I’d ask her to marry me someday. We both wanted the same things out of life—a family, to laugh, to love, and to just…be happy. I really would’ve been okay with a simple life. I didn’t need the fame or the money I have now. I just needed her. Drums weren’t my passion. She was.” I paused. “But at some point…she started to believe she wasn’t enough for me.”
Dr. Jensen nodded and wrote something down. “I feel like we’re getting a bit ahead of ourselves. Back up and tell me more about Nicole’s home life before you and she got together.”
“Her parents’ marriage didn’t end well. Her father cheated on her mom. But Nicole didn’t find out about it until she was in her twenties. And I think that had a lot to do with her lack of trust down the line.”
“Her grandmother that you’re taking care of, is that her mother’s mother?”
“Yeah. Needless to say, Mimi’s not a big fan of Nicole’s dad, even though he was a pretty good father. Just a terrible husband, as we all found out after the fact.”
“Were you a good husband?”
“I thought I was.” I stared out at the trees lining the street. “I loved being a husband.”
“Do you think you’ll ever get married again?”
“No,” I said immediately.
I couldn’t fathom a world where I was married to anyone else. Nicole was my wife. She’d always be my wife. It wouldn’t be fair to let anyone else believe they had a place that belonged to someone else in perpetuity, even if only in my heart. Even if a bit delusional.
“Tell me more about the early days of your relationship with Nicole, before you were married.”
“Well, soon after we started dating, she went away to college while I stayed behind and pursued my music. But we managed to stay together all four years while she was studying at BU. We’d visit each other on weekends when we could. After she graduated with a business degree, she did a one-eighty and decided she actually wanted to be a hairstylist. That was more her passion. She’d attended cosmetology classes during the summers while she was in school and had always dabbled in it on the side, doing hair for friends and family. Despite pressure from her parents to use her business degree differently, I was proud of her for being true to herself. She’s really good at it. She rents a chair now at one of the top salons in New York City.”
“That’s amazing. How old were you guys when you got married?”
“We eloped when I was twenty-five and she was twenty-two. So, we’d been together for four years. Flew to Vegas on a whim.”
“Wow. None of your family attended?”
“No, it was just us. But that’s what made it perfect.”
“What were things like after you got married?”
“Those early years of our marriage were amazing. We settled into a routine and were genuinely happy. Shortly before that, I’d met Tristan and Ronan in an online music forum. It wasn’t until about five years after the band got together that Delirious Jones hit it big. That was when things started to go downhill with Nicole.”
“She wasn’t supportive?”
“She was. She always told me I was destined for success in music. But turns out being a rockstar wife wasn’t the life she wanted. After I met Tristan and Ronan, my life changed. We were signed to a label, and things moved very fast. Even in the years before Delirious Jones really rose to fame, I was traveling a lot.” I hesitated. “But it was manageable before we went viral. I don’t think either of us expected my music career to take off the way it did.”
“You became famous overnight…”
“It felt like overnight in some ways, yeah. No one was prepared for it.”
“So, would you say your career was what ultimately cost you your marriage?”
“At first, that was the cause. But it wasn’t ultimately the case.” I paused. “It’s not why we’re not together now.”
Dr. Jensen tilted her head. “What’s the reason you’re not together?”
My chest constricted. “Definitely not ready to go there today.”
“Okay. Baby steps. Let’s return to the present for a moment.” She smiled reassuringly. “What has it been like living with Nicole under the recent circumstances?”
I sighed. “Things are tense, but more than anything? I just feel grateful to have time with her again. I can thank Mimi for that.”
“Why do you think she believes her grandmother can’t handle the truth about your divorce?”
“I know Mimi would be heartbroken. Her generation didn’t believe in divorce. She took Nicole’s parents’ split really hard, even knowing what Nicole’s dad had done. And Mimi really believed in Nicole and me, that what we had was true love and unbreakable. We were her hope for the future. She’s an old romantic.”
Dr. Jensen smiled. “Mimi is the only old romantic in this situation? Sounds to me like you’re holding a lot of romantic feelings yourself.”
I nodded. “I do have a romantic side. And I’d give anything to be able to love on my wife again.” I picked at my callused fingers. “Unfortunately, that’s not possible.”
“Your wife . It’s interesting that you still refer to her that way.” Dr. Jensen wrote in her notebook again. “Anyway, why have you given up hope?”
I swallowed. “Because some damage is irreparable.”