Chapter 8
CHAPTER 8
NICOLE
Somehow I woke with my ass up against Atticus the following morning. I had no idea how long I’d been sleeping like that. But I’d felt his hardness against my backside the moment I opened my eyes. And I’d chosen to stay in this position for a while, allowing his heat to slowly light me on fire. It felt too good to move.
Atticus’s breathing was still steady. He remained fast asleep, unaware of his own vulnerability. Only when I forced myself away did he rustle awake. I hopped out of bed, feeling guilty for having stayed up against him for so long.
“What’s going on?” he asked groggily.
“You need to stay on your side of the bed,” I snapped.
He looked down at himself. “Sorry. I can’t be responsible for anything that happens when I’m sleeping.”
Of course I knew that. But per usual, I didn’t know how to handle my own weakness for the man. “I’m sorry. I know that. I’m just…” Horny. And desperate. Desperately still in love with you.
He tugged at his hair. “It hasn’t been easy for me.”
“What specifically?”
“Sleeping next to you.” He grimaced. “When you suggested it, you didn’t seem to think it was a big deal. But it’s been hard for me. I can’t just pretend I don’t want you every second you’re near me. Maybe I do need to figure out some other sleeping arrangement.”
I gulped, afraid to admit that I’d felt the same.
“I’m sorry if I wake up hard,” he said, eyes boring into me. “Or if my body naturally veers to your side of the bed because it remembers how damn good that felt. I’m sorry if I still can’t help the way I look at you. I’m sorry if I still think you’re the most beautiful woman in the world. I’m sorry if I’m not perfect at this. I’m sorry that being here is harder than I ever fucking imagined, Nicole. Way harder than my fucking dick could ever be.” He threw a shirt over his head and pulled on pants before storming out of the room.
My legs felt weak. I was a fraud. It had been hard for me, too. I just wasn’t willing to admit it.
When I finally garnered the courage to meet him out in the kitchen, Atticus set his empty coffee mug down in the sink.
“I made you one.” He pointed to a mug on the counter. “You might need to heat it up in the microwave.”
“Thank you.”
He reached for his keys. “I’ll be back in a bit.”
“Where are you going?”
“Mimi needs a few things from the store. You need anything while I’m out?”
Actually, I did. I’d gotten my period this morning. That might’ve explained my heightened reaction to his boner earlier. My hormones were going crazy.
“Tampons?” I said.
He nodded. “Okay.”
“Do you need to know which kind?”
“I remember.”
That surprised me. “You do?”
“Yeah. I remember everything.” He took a deep breath. “I wish I didn’t.”
Yeah. Boy, do I get that.
***
While Atticus was out at the store, I logged into my old email account. Ever since he’d mentioned emailing me over the years, I’d been debating whether to go in and see if the messages were there.
After a couple of security steps to regain access, I searched his name in my inbox and sure enough, up popped several unread emails from him. After sorting the messages by date, I decided to start with the oldest one, the first he’d sent after our breakup.
Nicole,
I know I’m probably the last person you want to hear from today. But it’s your birthday, and I can’t let it go by without saying something.
It’s the first time you’ve had a birthday since we stopped talking, and I’m having a hard time with this. I can’t tell you how many times today I’ve felt like I should be doing something—buying flowers, ordering a cake, shopping for jewelry. I now realize those little things were such a privilege. Loving you freely was a privilege and the greatest experience of my life.
What happened doesn’t change the fact that I love you. It doesn’t change the fact that your birthday will always be one of the most important days of my life because it was the day you came into this world. Not being your husband anymore doesn’t change the fact that I love you, but it does change how I’m able to express that love. Sometimes loving someone means letting them go. That’s especially the case when you know your presence in their life will only cause them pain.
It hurts.
It hurts so fucking much to not be able to celebrate with you today. But when you told me it would be better for you if we didn’t see each other anymore, I took that seriously. You asked me not to call or come by. And I’ve tried to respect your wishes, which is why I’m writing this email. It’s my compromise.
It pains me to think that your smile is dimmer this year because of me. Hurting you so profoundly made me wish I’d never existed. Some days I fantasize about not being here. It would be so much easier. Please don’t take that to mean that I would ever hurt myself. I couldn’t do that to my family or you. Because I know, after everything, that you still love me, and that if anything ever happened to me, you’d be devastated. So I have to be strong. I still have a lot to live for.
My greatest wish is to see your beautiful smile directed toward me again someday. I’ll take it even if we’re old and gray, and that’s the last thing I see before I leave this Earth.
Sorry this message has taken an ominous turn. I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. I hope whatever you’re doing today, you take time to celebrate yourself and appreciate the wonderful woman you’ve become, one I’m so proud of.
I’ll light a candle in your honor tonight and make a wish that someday you can forgive me for letting you down.
Always lost without you,
Atticus
***
I was out back doing yard work when Atticus returned from the store. I’d heard his car pull into the driveway.
A few minutes later, when I walked through the side door into the kitchen, he was nowhere to be found. But he’d left the bag of tampons on the counter. Except when I opened the bag, it wasn’t just tampons inside. He’d also bought my favorite candy: Rocher chocolates and Sour Patch Kids. He knew I craved sugar when I was on my period. The gesture nearly made me cry because it was the nonverbal version of I love you . And it didn’t take much to make me emotional lately.
I went over to the kitchen sink and splashed water on my face. Reading that email had taken a toll on me and made me immeasurably sad. I wanted to assure him he was most definitely wanted and appreciated in this world. But then I’d have to admit to reading it, which I wasn’t prepared to do.
After I turned the faucet off, I could hear Atticus talking to Mimi. When I walked into her room, my jaw dropped: Atticus was painting Mimi’s nails.
“What the heck is going on in here?” I couldn’t help but grin.
“She told me this morning she was feeling frumpy. So I asked what I could do. She gave me the name of the nail color she wanted and asked me to do her nails.”
A smile bloomed on my face. “I could’ve done that, Mimi.”
She turned to me. “I think Atticus does a pretty good job, don’t you?”
He chuckled. “I paint my nails all the time.”
“That’s true. I forgot.” He often wore them black when performing. It went with the whole dark-drummer vibe.
He blew on Mimi’s fingers. “And the women at the store got a kick out of helping me look for the Lollipop Kisses color.”
I wanted to hug him. Not only because of what I’d read in that email, but because of how damn sweet he was being to my grandmother right now. Seeing Mimi so happy made my heart melt.
Since everything seemed under control, I went to the kitchen to make myself something to eat. Except once again all I could think about was Atticus, and I lost my ability to think straight. Forgetting about a meal, I ended up eating half the candy he’d bought me instead.
When I went to check on them a second time, the sight before me was even crazier than the last. Atticus had set up what looked like a mini, inflatable pool behind Mimi’s head at the back of her bed.
I covered my mouth. “Where did you get that?”
“Medical supply store. It’s a portable washing basin for her hair. She wanted a blue rinse put in. It’s got this storage bag for the water to rinse her.”
“I didn’t know we were doing her hair today. I would’ve helped.”
“It’s spa day. Get with the program, Nicole,” he teased. “I’ve got it under control.”
Mimi had her eyes closed, like she was in ecstasy. Atticus began to massage her head and rub something into her hair. He looked up at me for a moment and winked before returning his attention to the task at hand.
If I’d thought my heart was full before, it was ready to burst now. My eyes welled up, and I escaped to the bathroom to let my tears fall. It had been a long time since I’d cried over Atticus. It was kind of odd that what finally did it was the sight of him coloring my grandmother’s hair. But emotions were funny and unpredictable. I really needed my hormones to calm down.
The doorbell rang, and I quickly wiped my eyes.
“Can you get that?” Atticus hollered from Mimi’s room.
“On it!” I yelled as I dabbed my face with toilet paper.
When I opened the door, I was surprised to see Atticus’s bandmates: Tristan Daltrey and his fiancée, Emily, along with Ronan Barber.
“Hey.” I swiped a hand down the length of my hair, praying my eyes weren’t swollen or red.
“Hey, Nicole.” Tristan smiled. “Long time no see.”
“I know.” I smiled over at Emily, whom I’d never met before. “What brings you guys to town?”
“Sorry for the surprise,” Tristan said. “But Atticus wasn’t answering his phone. Emily and I just got back from Europe. Landed in New York overnight. Figured we’d stay a week in the city before heading back to L.A. Since you’re only a couple of hours away, we thought we’d also spend a night here in Monksville—come say hi to Atticus and check out this side of New Jersey.”
I turned to Ronan. “You were with them in Europe, too?”
He shook his head. “Nah. I was bored back in L.A., so I flew in to meet up with them in the city.”
“I thought I heard Ronan’s big trap.” Atticus’s voice came from behind me. “What the hell are you guys doing here?”
Tristan’s eyes widened. “What the hell is all over your hands?”
“It’s blue rinse. Probably should’ve worn gloves. I was doing Mimi’s hair.”
“Damn. Can you try that on me next?” Ronan laughed. “I could use my streaks touched up. Was thinking of going blue at some point anyway.”
Tristan looked over at me and muttered, “Sadly, he’s serious.”
Our surprise guests stepped into the house and followed us to Mimi’s room.
“Mimi, we have visitors,” I announced.
“Do you remember Ronan and Tristan from the band?” Atticus asked.
“How could I forget…such handsome boys.” My grandmother turned to Emily. “And who is this lovely lady?”
“I’m Emily Applewood, Tristan’s fiancée. It’s so nice to meet you.”
“You as well, dear.” Mimi then turned to Ronan. “Will you do me a favor?”
“Of course.” He grinned.
She pointed over at Atticus and me. “Will you tell these two to get the heck out of here and have some fun for one night? They’ve been fawning over me for days, and I can’t get rid of them.”
“I don’t want to leave you alone,” I told her.
“I’ll be fine for a couple of hours. Louise is never here twenty-four-seven, you know. She pops in and out all day. So I’m used to being alone at times. I have a phone in case of an emergency, and you met my neighbor. She’s around, too. Not like I can get up and fall or anything. I can’t move, so I ain’t going anywhere.”
Atticus bumped my shoulder with his. “It’ll be good for you to get out. I think Mimi will be fine for a little bit. We won’t go far.”
“I’ve got a better idea.” Ronan lifted his index finger. “Why don’t I stay with Mimi so you both can relax for a couple of hours and not have to worry at all?”
He flashed me a serious look to let me know he wasn’t kidding. I had such cabin fever. I needed to take him up on his offer.
“Well…” Mimi said. “I’ve never been one to turn down the companionship of a handsome young man.”
“Nor I the companionship of a lovely MILF such as yourself.”
Mimi squinted. “Milk?”
Everyone broke out into laughter.
Before Ronan could explain, I intercepted. “That would be really nice if you could stay with her.”
Ronan placed his hand on her shoulder. “It’s a done deal, then.”
“Take them to Laurentano’s,” Mimi told Atticus.
“What’s that?” Emily asked.
“A really good Italian restaurant here in town,” I explained.
“Tell them Adele sent you and see how you’re treated,” Mimi added.
“They love my grandmother over there.” I turned to Ronan. “You sure you’re good with staying here?”
“Of course! I don’t have a grandma. Lost both of mine. So this will be fun.”
I sucked in a breath. “Okay, then.” I hope I don’t regret this.