Chapter 9
CHAPTER 9
NICOLE
It felt so good to be out of the house and enjoying a cocktail. My emotions had calmed down considerably from earlier in the day.
One cool thing was that we could check in on Mimi remotely via a camera set up in her room. Louise had used it to gauge when she needed to return to assist Mimi, and I was able to access it via an app on my phone. Ronan had no idea he was being watched as he played guitar for my grandmother. Mimi had a huge smile on her face while he entertained her.
We’d stopped at a bar before heading to Laurentano’s, since we weren’t able to get a table for dinner until eight. Skip’s was a hole in the wall but a popular speakeasy in our little town.
“I’m surprised Atticus and Tristan haven’t been recognized yet,” I said to Emily as we waited for them to come back from fetching us a second round of drinks.
“True.” She nodded. “Normally at least one person would’ve asked for a photo by now. But you know, there’s something about a small town. People don’t seem to care as much about celebrities as they do in the bigger cities. They’re nowhere near each other, but Monksville sort of reminds me of Shady Hills in Missouri, where I’m from. Same kind of vibe.”
She was about six years younger than me, but Emily seemed very mature.
She looked over her shoulder at the guys before turning back to me. “So how are you doing really ? This living situation can’t be easy on you.”
I swirled the last of the drink around in my glass. “I’m hanging in there. It’s been a bit stressful, as you might imagine. But there are some beautiful moments to make up for the tense ones.”
I thought about Atticus doing my grandmother’s nails today and coloring her hair. Definitely something I would never forget.
Emily once again looked over at the bar. “I don’t have a lot of time before the guys come back, so I hope you don’t mind me being frank with you.”
I licked my lips. “Okay…”
“For so long, you were like this mythical creature to me, Nicole. Every time anyone mentioned your name, the room would go quiet. I’ve been so curious about you. And it took a while for anyone to even explain to me what happened between you and Atticus.”
My heart began to race. “You know…everything?”
She nodded. “I do. And I just want to say…” Emily exhaled. “Despite all that’s happened, Atticus is still hopelessly in love with you. I know you don’t know me well, and I have no right to interfere, but it’s one thing I know for sure about him.”
She didn’t need to convince me of that. I felt it. Lack of love had never been the reason Atticus and I were apart.
“I’m not sure what to say to that…”
“You don’t need to say anything. I just needed to get that off my chest.” She sighed. “It’s really great to meet someone I’ve heard so much about. And no matter what happens, I hope you end up happy. You deserve it.”
I liked this girl. She seemed genuine. Good that Tristan had found someone like her to spend his life with. “Thank you for being so open and for trying to get to know me, though I tend to put up a pretty big wall. Thank you, too, for being honest about what you know rather than tiptoeing around me—I hate that.”
“You’re just as stunning as I imagined.” She smiled. “I often wondered how beautiful a woman had to be to keep a man like Atticus so transfixed.”
“If you’re trying to be my friend…it’s working.” I laughed.
“Good.” She giggled.
The guys returned, bringing our conversation to an end. Atticus placed a cocktail next to me, along with an extra cup filled with cherries.
“I got you maraschinos.” His eyes lingered on mine.
“Thank you.”
I always loved to snack on those when I drank. Atticus might not be perfect, but he was thoughtful.
Tristan looked between us. “Can I say something?”
“Depends.” Atticus sipped his beer.
“It warms my heart to see you two getting along. Like, more than anything has warmed my cold heart in a really long fucking time.”
“You should be a fly on the wall back at the house if you think we’re getting along,” Atticus quipped. He winked at me.
“There’s been no shortage of arguments.” I laughed. “Except we have to whisper-fight, so poor Mimi doesn’t figure anything out.”
“Yeah, no shit,” Atticus agreed. “I’ve never whispered so much in my life.”
“Well, from my perspective, to have him go from not being able to say your name, to hanging out with you and having a couple of drinks?” Tristan placed his hand on Atticus’ shoulder. “I’m proud of you both. That’s all I’m saying.”
I popped a cherry into my mouth. “It’s the magic of Mimi, I guess.”
Emily grinned. “Your grandmother is so sweet.”
“Speaking of which, let’s check in on Ronan.” Atticus took out his phone and pulled up the camera app. He faced the screen toward us.
Mimi was flapping her arms like a chicken from her bed. Ronan was doing the same, except standing and spinning around from time to time.
I covered my mouth. “What the hell?”
Atticus shook his head. “I’m not even gonna ask what the fuck is going on there.”
“Ronan is involved.” Tristan laughed. “That should tell you everything you need to know.”
Atticus and I shared a smile. Going out tonight had been a good idea. It felt good to laugh. It felt even better to laugh with him . I felt myself falling all over again. What are you doing, Nicole?
I cleared my throat and turned to Emily. “How do you like living in L.A.?”
“I wasn’t sure I would like it, but I really do. You should come out and visit us sometime. We have a huge pool and two beautiful fur babies: a dog and a rabbit.”
“The rabbit is bigger than the dog,” Atticus added.
“Leave my Bertha alone.” Emily smacked him on the arm. “Seriously, Nicole, open invitation. Anytime.”
I loved visiting new places and had only been to L.A. once before. “There’s a hair convention out there once a year,” I said. “If I go again, I can let you know when I’m in town.”
“That would be awesome.” She smiled. “And if it’s during recording season, I would especially love the company when my honey abandons me.”
I remembered the days of Atticus disappearing for hours to record. He’d always make things up to me in his own special way. I shook my head. There I go again.
Not long after that, we left the bar and moved our party to Laurentano’s restaurant. Emily and I continued chatting over dinner. Not only was she the perfect distraction from Atticus, but she was quickly becoming a friend. She and I talked throughout the evening, and she told me the long and complicated story of what she and Tristan had to overcome to be together. I’d had no idea about their backstory and holy hell, I could hardly believe it. Someone should write a book about that.
When we returned to the house, the smell of marijuana immediately registered.
The four of us entered the bedroom together. Mimi had her eyes closed but was smiling. She looked damn relaxed. She looked… high .
I sniffed the air. “Ronan, were you smoking pot with my grandmother?”
“She said she was in pain. So I gave her a few hits of my joint.”
“Well, that explains the chicken dance.” Tristan chuckled.
Mimi opened her eyes. “I was able to sit up in the wheelchair for a whole ten minutes!”
My jaw dropped. “What?”
“Seriously, it helped her pain,” Ronan explained. “She said she wanted to try to sit because she hadn’t been able to. So I lifted her into the chair.”
I crossed my arms. “Mimi has never smoked a day in her life, and she’s going to start now?”
“Why the hell not?” Mimi slurred. “Now is the best time, if you ask me.”
I guess she has a point.
“Ronan says he can hook me up with the good stuff,” she added.
“Anything that takes away your pain is fine by us, Mimi.” Atticus put his arm around me, sending a chill down my spine. It didn’t seem like he was touching me for show this time or to tease me. It just felt natural, like he’d forgotten for a second that we weren’t married anymore. That was sort of how tonight had felt in many ways.
After the crew left, I helped get Mimi settled for bed. The smell of marijuana still lingered in the air as Atticus and I headed to the spare room.
I felt even more nervous than usual to sleep next to Atticus tonight. He’d stuck to his three-drink rule, but I couldn’t say the same for myself. Always a lightweight, I had a pretty significant buzz after four drinks. All I wanted was for him to touch me again. And that scared me.
As I turned my back to him and faced the wall, I took my shirt off to change into my sleep top. Somehow I felt his eyes on me as I unclasped my bra. The hairs on my arms prickled, and my body became tingly all over. As I heard the sound of his shirt coming off behind me, my nipples stiffened. I slowly slipped my pajama top over my head, hesitant to turn around and face this crippling need head on. Finally, I removed my pants and underwear, then reached for my pajama shorts.
When I did turn around, Atticus’s cheeks were flushed, his eyes dark with desire. It proved what I’d already sensed and only intensified the growing need between my legs. My nipples were hard as ever and prominent against the material of my shirt.
Atticus was shirtless, of course, as he typically was at bedtime, wearing only the gray track pants he often wore to sleep. The thin line of hair leading down from his waistline taunted me. His Adam’s apple bobbed as his eyes fell to my chest. What was going to happen next? Would he try to kiss me? Would I let him? Things were a little hazy from the alcohol—a little hazy and a lot horny.
“Goodnight,” he finally said, his voice throaty.
“Goodnight.”
My knees felt weak as we got into bed. I realized I was stupid to think Atticus would try anything while he believed my judgment was impaired. I was more sober than he was likely giving me credit for, though. The only thing I was guilty of right now was an intense hunger for sex. And I respected him for not taking advantage of what I knew he could sense. I wanted him to ravage me tonight. And that was unsettling.
It took several minutes for my body to calm down, but it eventually did. Yet I still couldn’t sleep. And it seemed neither could Atticus. When I turned to look at him, his eyes were wide open as he stared up at the ceiling.
“Mimi seemed to have had a good time with Ronan,” he said after a moment.
I chuckled. “She was high. Of course she had a good time.”
“Right.” The low rumble of his laughter vibrated through me. He shifted, moving a little closer, awakening the nerve endings in my body. “You seemed like you had a good time tonight, too. Was I reading that correctly?”
Turning more fully toward him, I rested my hand under my chin. “I love Emily.”
He sighed.
“What?” I asked.
He opened his mouth then shook his head. “Never mind.”
“What?” I repeated.
“It’s just that…” He paused. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve hung out with Tristan and Emily, thinking how you and she would get along. And what a shame it is that we…” He stopped. “Anyway.”
Yeah. What a shame it all is.
Silence replaced our conversation for several minutes. But there was one more thing I needed to say. “Thank you for today.”
“What are you referring to specifically?”
“Everything. The candy. For being so sweet to Mimi, doing her nails and hair, and just…being here. And especially for encouraging me to go out. It was fun, and I needed it.”
“You don’t ever need to thank me. Being here is a privilege, Nicole. Not just because I get to give back to Mimi. But because it’s time with you I never thought I’d have.” He paused. “And I’ll take whatever you’ll give me. The good. The bad. Anything you’re willing to share, I’ll take.”
My eyes welled up. “I read one of your lost emails earlier. I’m not ready to read them all, but I read the first one.”
“What did I say?”
“It was my birthday.” I paused, getting choked up. “You said there were times when you wished you weren’t here, that you fantasized about that. It made me so sad.” I placed my hand on his cheek and turned his face toward me. “Don’t think for a second that this world would be a better place if you weren’t here. So many people are blessed to have you in their lives. Including me. Despite everything, I’d never survive in a world without you in it.”
“I’m sorry if I scared you. That was a dark time for me.”
My voice was barely audible. “I know.”
“I’m not perfect, but I’m so much better now. I don’t want you to worry, okay?”
Wiping a tear from my eye, I nodded. Thoughts and questions swirled around my head. “There are things I want to ask you that I’m afraid to—things I want to know but I’m not ready to face.”
He reached for my hand and locked his fingers with mine. “It’s okay.”
“I really want to get there. I feel like I owe it to you. I’m sorry I’m not strong enough yet.”
“You owe me no apologies, baby.” He reached out and wiped my eyes with his thumb. “Do you understand that? You owe me nothing. And every second you give me, it’s a gift.”
Atticus leaned over and kissed my forehead firmly. I closed my eyes, relishing the warmth of his lips on my skin. And even if I yearned for a real kiss, the tenderness he’d given me was what I actually needed right now.
I doubted any man would ever love me the way Atticus did. Least of all, not Julian. But I wasn’t ready to admit to Atticus where things stood with his former friend. Julian—or at least the idea of him—was a safeguard right now, one I needed to keep up more than ever, because I was starting to feel my protection slipping away.
That night, I didn’t turn away from him in bed as I normally did. Instead, I curled my body into his, falling asleep to the sound and feel of his gentle breaths.