Chapter 23 #2
When the meal was over, Gabriel leaned back in his chair and rested his hand on his swollen belly. “I am going to sleep like a baby tonight.”
“So, up every hour and crying? Good to know.”
He laughed. “Something like that. How was everything?”
“Delicious,” she said. “Perfect, even.”
“Perfect? Does such a thing exist?”
“It might…” She looked at him shyly. “Often in the most unlikely place.”
He frowned at the comment, saying nothing.
Sophia cursed herself silently, realizing how unsubtle her comment was. He must have known by now how she felt. At the very least, he must have been able to feel it too. But then why was he so distant? Why did he refuse to accept where they were going?
“You are… going to sleep now?” she asked carefully, her eyes flicking to him and away.
“Soon,” he said. “I have some work to finish and then, yes, my bed is calling me.”
“Oh…” Her heart was racing. “I thought I might have a drink.” She looked at him and glanced away again. “If you would like to join me.”
“A drink?” He frowned at her. “What’s the occasion?”
“Does one need one?” She forced herself to look at him, hope reflecting in her eyes.
He studied her closely. He looked deeply into her eyes.
She pouted, appearing hopeful, wanting him to see her true meaning…
not that she knew what it was, exactly. Just that she wanted more time alone, a suggestive circumstance, one where it would be easy to say how she was feeling without fear of rejection.
It was ironic, really, that she had changed so much, able to convince herself that she no longer cared what people thought. If that was true, then she would tell Gabriel exactly what she was thinking.
I have changed… just not as quickly as I might have liked.
“I…” Gabriel licked his lips and she continued to look right at him. The tension built. The implication was clear. He just needed to say yes… “Another time, perhaps.”
Her heart dropped through the floor. “Yes…” She looked away. “Another time.”
Gabriel left her shortly after that, a joke made about being close to bursting, and a good night given because he hoped that she slept well. She accepted his words kindly, returned the joke, and made sure to keep everything civil and comfortable.
But once she was alone, Sophia felt herself crash.
This marriage was so close to being perfect…
right there… within reach. Sophia was glad for how much she had changed, and she was thrilled that her husband encouraged it.
But until they took the next step, until they explored the feelings that they both clearly felt, it would never be perfect.
Despite Gabriel’s misgivings, in Sophia’s mind, perfect was attainable.
Gabriel stood outside Sophia’s closed bedroom door. His right hand was extended, hovering about the handle, shaking from nervousness as he tried to force himself to take that handle, throw the door open, and walk in.
She wants you to. Likely, she is in there right now, praying that I go to her. I know that she is!
Gabriel was no fool. And that went double when it came to women.
He had spent his life embodying the characteristics of a rake, the type who slept with women everywhere he went, whenever he wished, caring not for what people thought of him – especially not caring what the women thought.
All he cared for was his own pleasure and doing whatever he damn well wished.
This marriage had changed that about him.
It wasn’t the marriage per se that had changed him. In most ways, he was still the same man he had been last month. He still did what he wanted, how he wanted it. And he still cared little for what other people thought of him.
No… the change was not to his nature, but the person whom he now shared his life with. She was what had changed, and she was dragging him along with her.
This new side of his wife was a dream in many ways.
He could still be himself around her. He could still say what he wanted and do what he liked.
The only difference being that everything he did, every action he took, he thought first about Sophia and how it would be perceived.
Dammit, he wanted her to accept him as he had never been accepted before.
His hand shook above the handle, sweat started to bead on his skin, and despite how much he wanted to open the door and walk in… he just couldn’t do it.
This was not who Gabriel was. He never meant to fall in love.
He had never meant to care. He wanted freedom only, a life that was his to do with how he wished it.
Now that his wife had changed so much, he was drawn to her beyond comprehension.
She was nothing like what he imagined and everything he ever wanted.
What was more, he knew that she felt the same way about him.
Fear was what held Gabriel back. For all his talk of change, he was terrified of the concept.
He remembered his childhood, the way his father had treated him and his mother.
He thought about the pain and suffering that this caused in him, the way it shaped him into the man he was.
And he lurched back as he pictured what it might do to him should he let it.
I am not my father, and Sophia is different. Why would our marriage be anything like that one? I cannot be.
Gabriel was being foolish, but to have lived with this type of fear for so long meant it was difficult to push through and leave behind. He wanted to go to his wife and show her how much he cared for her. He was just too scared to do it.
One day, he was sure this would change, but it would not be this day. One day…. Dammit, one day hee might even be happy.
With a sigh, Gabriel dropped his hand, turned, and walked down the hall and away from his wife’s room.
This relationship was slow going, which was fine.
But a point would come when he would have to make a decision.
To change the way he felt, or to do the same and burn this last bridge.
To end the marriage before it had a chance to truly start, or to accept what it was and take that final plunge.
What he would do when that time came, he could not say. And that realization scared him most of all.