Chapter 24
“Iwill be right back,” Sophia said to Gabriel. “Will you be fine on your own?”
Gabriel frowned. “Should I not be.”
She laughed. “Just making sure. I wouldn’t want you to feel lonely, or as if I am having fun without you.”
He looked at her flatly. “I think I will be quite fine. In fact, take your time, no need to rush. Likely, I will not even notice that you are gone.”
“Mean.”
“And you are not?”
Sophia beamed with humor, thoroughly enjoying the repartee between them. It was like that now, the ease at which they were able to speak and make jokes.
So much has changed in these few weeks, and all of these changes are for the better.
“Oh, don’t forget, you are set to play soon,” he then reminded her. As he did, he reached out and touched her on the elbow. It was a subtle movement, but the effect was felt through Sophia’s entire body.
She gasped at his touch. Her body stiffened. She looked from his hand to his eyes, trying to determine the meaning behind this simple gesture. Gabriel smiled but he did not appear overly concerned, no sign at all that it meant anything.
“I won’t forget,” she said to him, swallowing back the lump in her throat. “But thank you for reminding me.”
“It’s why I am here,” he said and dropped his hand. “At least we can count on one thing. That your playing will be far better than anything else we have heard today.”
As Sophia had promised, she and Gabriel were attending Mr. Blackwell’s musical soiree together.
In truth, she had looked forward to it, because she wanted to perform in front of a crowd without her mother watching and judging her.
For all her talk of freedom, this felt like her first real chance to show the ton and her peers how much she had changed.
What was more, it was a chance to show Gabriel.
There were perhaps two-score guests in attendance. They spread across the music room and into the drawing room as they drank wine, nibbled on snacks, and waited for the next performance to start. Again, Sophia cared little for them or what they thought. They were not why she was here.
She only meant to go to the washroom to freshen up before her performance. She would be gone for maybe five minutes at the most. As silly as it was to think, those five minutes felt like much longer than they would be, and she did not want to leave her husband’s side.
He stood one foot away… close enough for her to reach out and touch him. Her fingers tingled and it spread through her, suddenly nervous and unsure. Sophia wanted to take her husband’s hand and squeeze it, a sign of affection that was sorely missing in their relationship so far…
“Is something wrong?” he asked, noticing her hesitation.
Technically no, nothing was wrong. For two weeks, everything was right and this marriage was growing stronger by the day. The only thing that was missing was physical intimacy, a sense that Sophia and Gabriel were ready to take the next step in this marriage.
She knew that it would come eventually. Surely, it must? There was no reason it would not, and every reason that it should. But Gabriel was yet to attempt anything that suggested he wanted such a thing from this relationship, and Sophia was careful about being the first to act.
I might have changed much, but I have not changed as much as that.
“No, nothing is wrong.” She smiled warmly so he could see it, and he smiled in return. It was a kind gesture, and it spoke to how much he cared for her. But it wasn’t enough to sate Sophia’s desire, the need for this relationship to take that next step.
She held their smile as she turned and hurried through the manor, head down, determined to push that thought away.
Things were going so well between her and Gabriel, so why was she desperate to find fault? He cared for her, she knew, as she cared for him, and soon they would show that care and that compassion through physical contact. A kiss here. Holding hands there. And then…
Her cheeks turned pink at the thought and her smile grew.
Yes, things were going well and she was a fool to let those thoughts trouble her. Patience is what was needed, and seeing as they had the rest of their lives together, patience was exactly what Sophia would show.
By the time she reached the washroom, Sophia’s mood was back to normal… that was until she heard the whispers.
They came from just outside the washroom, getting closer by the second. Three voices, women, heading her way, and considering what they were saying… Sophia’s eyes widened and she darted into the stall and shut the door, just as the three gossiping women walked into the room.
“Who does she think she is fooling?” one of the voices said.
“What do you mean?” another asked.
“The way she has been behaving,” the first voice confirmed. “We all know what she is doing.” A disgusted drawl to her voice. “And I tell you now, her husband is not fooled.”
“Oh, be nice,” a third voice interjected. “I do not know Her Grace personally, but she seems like a lovely lady.”
“Ha!” the first voice laughed. “She was that, until she married. Now…” A pause and Sophia leaned closer to the door to listen to what was said. “I have heard that His Grace caught her with one of his staff.”
“No?”
“Just a rumor,” the first woman confirmed. “But it makes sense. I mean, think about it. She has changed so much these past few weeks, and it is all in an effort to steal her husband’s attention. She is desperate for it.”
“She will need to be,” the second woman noted. “I mean, it is not as if his reputation is perfect.” She laughed mockingly. “Likely, he encouraged it. We all know how much of a rake he used to be.”
“Still is,” the first woman said. “And now Her Grace is going down the same path. And why? For a man who clearly thinks so little of her. You saw them out there. He could hardly bring himself to look at her.”
“It is so sad,” the third woman sighed. “That one would change themselves for a man who does not care.”
“Sad? More like desperate.”
Sophia did not recognize the three voices who spoke, but that made little difference. Their words were sharp and each one cut her like a knife slicing against her bare skin. She winced and cowered back, even trembled, as if she had been physically beaten.
And while she told herself that she did not care what the woman said, she knew that to be a lie. The changes she made were for herself, not for her husband, but that others thought so little of her, that they mocked and judged… it stung.
She waited until the women left the room and then carefully opened the door and snuck out. Sadly, her pain and torment were far from over.
“I take it you heard what was said?” It was none other than Lady Clarissa Harwood, standing by the washbasin, looking at Sophia with a sense of pity that hurt even worse than the awful things those women said.
She was more beautiful than Sophia remembered. Those full lips, those sharp features, the strength in her, while somehow managing to look delicate all in one. Her eyes were deep blue, her teeth were pristine white, and none of that was to mention her curves. Sophia eyed them with jealousy…
“I…” Sophia attempted to stand tall and proud as she tore her eyes off the woman’s body. “It bothers me little. What do I care what some random women think?”
“Good for you.” Clarissa went to her and took her hand. “That’s the spirit. I mean, if you and His Grace cannot handle a little rumor, then perhaps your marriage is not as strong as you thought.”
“Oh, yes…” She pulled back a little, surprised by the comment. “I did not think of it like that.”
“And nor should you,” Clarissa assured her. “I know His Grace well, remember…” She looked pointedly at Sophia, as if she wanted Sophia’s mind to wander to the obvious place. “And let me tell you, his skin is quite thick. It has to be,” she laughed.
“That is not… there is nothing to the rumors. His Grace and I are happy.”
“I am sure that you are,” she purred. “And who cares if he is not affectionate toward you. I am sure it means nothing at all. Some people show love through physical affection, and others show it in other ways…” She smiled and fluttered her thick eyelashes.
“No doubt, when the two of you are alone, things are different.”
Clarissa was squeezing Sophia’s hand a little tighter than she needed to, and the way she looked right at her was off-putting and strange. Her words, while appearing kind, carried an edge to them, and Sophia had no doubt that the woman was not being as caring as she wished to appear.
“We are,” Sophia said with little conviction.
“I do find it surprising though,” Clarissa continued.
“From what I know of His Grace, he is very affectionate. Too much, if memory serves – oh! Forget I said that.” She laughed gaily.
“Look at me, speaking out of turn.” She rested her other hand on top of the one already holding Sophia.
“If you and His Grace are happy, that is all that matters.”
“Thank you…”
“And personally, I rather like this new side of you. Many men might not, they find such forwardness and personality off-putting. But that you do not care, doing it for you, well…” She beamed and squeezed Sophia’s hand so tight that it hurt. “I just think that is so brave. Truly.”
There could be no doubt that Clarissa was being patronizing. There was a hidden message underneath her words, subtle barbs that she really wanted to sting. Sophia tried to pretend it did not bother her, but she was only so strong.
They walked back to the music room together, arm-in-arm, and Sophia could not escape the feeling that Clarissa was behaving this way for a reason. The moment they reached the other guests, she knew what that reason was.
“There you are.” Clarissa released her arm and swept toward Gabriel the moment they saw him across the room. “I have been looking for you all evening.”
“Lady Clarissa…” Gabriel took her hand and gave the back of it a kiss. Sophia winced when she saw his lips press on the woman’s milky white skin. “I did not know you were here. I thought I might have heard the dogs howling if you were.”
“Oh, you!” She slapped him playfully on the chest and then, Sophia noticed, refused to let go of his hand. Worse still, she stepped purposefully between them, blocking Sophia right out. “Come, Gabriel, we have much to discuss.”
“I…” He looked past her. “Sophia, when are you performing?”
Sophia did not respond. Her stomach twisted to see the way Clarissa was acting toward her husband, and it tightened when she noticed that he was not pulling back or distancing himself. It was as if he liked it…
“Sophia?” he asked again.
“Oh…” She shook her head to clear it. “Soon, I think.”
“Find me before you begin,” he just managed to say before Clarissa dragged him away.
It might have been easy to blame Clarissa and not Gabriel for what just happened; the notion that he was being polite and had no desire to speak with her – that she was forcing it upon him.
But if there was one thing that Sophia knew about her husband, it was that he didn’t do what he thought would be polite.
In fact, he made a point of doing only what he wanted.
If Clarissa was annoying him, he would let her know. And that he was happy to go with her…
You are being ridiculous, Sophia. Utterly insane. They are just friends. That is all. There is no need to worry.
If that was the case… why did they stand so close when they spoke? Why was her hand on his arm, and his hand on the small of her back? Why was he showing her more affection than he had shown Sophia since they married?
These thoughts raged and battled throughout her head as she stood back and watched them across the room. The walls turned around her, her stomach sunk through the floor, and when she was approached and told that it was time to perform, she very nearly said no.
Sophia started across the room toward Gabriel but found herself slowing down.
Clarissa still spoke with her hand on Gabriel’s arm, and he still appeared fully engaged in whatever she was saying.
Sophia’s chest suddenly tightened, and while she knew that she was being silly…
Am I? Or is there a good reason I feel this way?
For that reason, she decided not to fetch Gabriel.
Rather, she approached the pianoforte, settled herself down, and started to play. There were two score guests in the room, and they stood back as they listened. Most did so in silence, while many whispered between themselves.
Sophia tried to focus on the music. She tried to let it flow through her freely, the way it had done these last few weeks.
She tried to forget everything and be one with the keys so that her heart was playing and not her head.
But out the side of her eye, she could see Gabriel and Clarissa deep in conversation.
Her fingers slipped, she slammed the wrong note, the guests winced, and she hurried to correct her mistake.
Perhaps she was imagining it? In the back of her mind, Sophia could have sworn she heard the laughter of Clarissa and Gabriel. Her fingers faltered again, the wrong notes were struck, she tried to correct herself, but she continued to watch her husband who paid her no attention at all.
The performance was an abject failure but that mattered little.
Even once she was done, Gabriel did not come to her – she did not think he even noticed that she was playing. While so much had gone right these past two weeks, all Sophia could focus on now was what had gone wrong.
Her marriage to Gabriel had been missing something, she knew now what that was, and while earlier she was happy to wait and be patient for it to come, she was well out of patience.
She needed answers and she needed them now.