Chapter 25
“You played well tonight,” Gabriel said. “The best you have played yet.”
Sophia looked at her husband across the carriage. It was dark, as night had fallen, and the heavy shadows that fell across his face made him hard to see. But she could see his eyes, the smile he wore in them, one that was so honest that she almost believed every word that he spoke.
But it’s a lie. How could he know how I played if he was not listening? He is telling me what he thinks I wish to hear, which makes me wonder what else he has said just so that I might feel placated? Is everything he has said and done a lie?
“Thank you,” Sophia said before looking away. She focused on the window, the darkness beyond, broken only by the peppering of starlight across the black sky.
Nothing was said for a few moments. It was not the first silence that had fallen on them since they left the Blackwell residence, but it was easily the most profound. Where before, the silence had felt natural, the result of a long afternoon and the need to rest, this one felt purposeful.
Indeed, this silence was tense in ways that harkened back to the early days of their marriage.
“Sophia…” Gabriel shifted across from her. “Is something the matter?”
“No,” she said without looking. “Why would it be?”
“No reason.”
“Good,” she said, still without looking. “Everything is fine. I am just a little tired, is all. It has been a big day.”
She could feel Gabriel watching her through the darkness. She could literally sense his confusion, the lack of certainty that she was giving him. He must have known that something was wrong, just as he must have known that he was the cause.
Would he voice it? Would he push? Did he even care? Sophia knew the answer… and when he sighed and slunk down in the seat, content not to raise the issue, she was not in the least bit surprised.
Strange that this single moment hurt more than anything else. It was one thing to suspect that he did not care about her, but to have it proven was another thing entirely.
Am I reading too much into it? Or is it that the veil has finally been lifted, and the result is so blinding that I can’t fathom how I was able to not see what is right there in front of my face?
Sophia felt like a damn fool. All this time, she had managed to convince herself that she and Gabriel were in a good place. Their marriage felt strong, their relationship was personal and deep, and while it was still slow going, she had known in her heart that they were headed down the right path.
Now, she was forced to concede that it was all in her head.
They walked two different paths, with two different end points.
Where she saw this marriage as leading somewhere, he saw it as a means to an end.
And rather than tell her so, he was content to lead her on, likely hoping that by the time she realized it would be too late to do anything.
The question now became, what was Sophia going to do about it?
As sad as it was to admit, she was not ready to give up on Gabriel just yet. The doubts that played havoc with her were caused by Lady Clarissa’s poisonous words, and there was a good chance that Sophia was overreacting – she prayed that she was.
Before she decided what was to be done, she needed to ask Gabriel directly how he felt. She needed answers. She needed… dammit, she needed to know that by opening her heart, she wasn’t dooming herself to sorrow.
Tomorrow… once I am rested… then, I will talk to him. Best to wait until emotions are settled and I’ve had a chance to think.
It was the right idea, Sophia knew. A shame how quickly good ideas became forgotten when situations shifted. Worse, when emotions got involved…
“Sophia, wait.”
Sophia was halfway across the foyer when her husband called to her. Having just walked inside, she said a quick goodnight before hurrying toward the staircase, her intent to go to bed before she did or said something that she might regret.
His call had the effect of a hand reaching out and grabbing hold of her. She tried to pull away. She tried to ignore it. Was this the Sophia of last month, she would have effortlessly offered him a shy smile, apologized for acting so strange, and left it at that.
So much had changed this last month… Sophia especially.
“What is wrong?” His footsteps echoed off the floor as he crossed toward her. She was not facing him, but she wasn’t walking away either. “And do not say that nothing is wrong. Don’t lie to me.”
“I would never lie to you…”
“Then tell me what has happened.” He came within a few feet of her and stopped. Not a surprise, as Gabriel had worked so hard these last weeks not to touch her or get too close. He seemed intent on maintaining that distance between them, and now, Sophia knew why.
Slowly, she turned. As she did, she did her best to keep her composure, still thinking that there was a chance they could have this conversation with maturity and without emotions getting the best of them.
Typically, as soon as she saw his face, how confused he was, as if he had no idea what was going on, all reason and rational left the room.
“How was my performance tonight?” she asked him.
“Your performance?” He leaned back.
“Yes.” She folded her arms and raised a questioning eyebrow. “What did you think?”
“I…” A flash of panic passed behind his eyes. “I told you already, it was wonderful. The best I have heard you play.”
“And what did I play exactly?” She kept that eyebrow raised. “What piece?”
“Sophia…” He laughed nervously. “What is this?”
“You weren’t paying attention, were you? Admit it. While I was playing, your interests lay elsewhere.”
His brow tightened and she suspected that he was considering lying to her. But she held his gaze, her eyes wide, wanting him to see that there was no point in trying to lie.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I did not mean to – Lady Clarissa ambushed me, Sophia. She was incessant, non-stop with her questions. By the time I realized how long she had me distracted for, you had finished.” He tried for a forgiving smile.
“I did not mean to lie to you. I just did not want to upset you.”
“I am not upset that you were not listening, Gabriel. I’m upset that you felt you had to lie about it.”
“Can you blame me?” he said. “You might not have said as much, but I knew how much you looked forward to your performance. If I had told you the truth, you would be furious.”
“Do not try and put this on me.”
“I am not putting it on you,” he argued. “I made a mistake, I am sorry. Now, can we please move on from this.” He laughed as if that might ease the tension. “There will be plenty more chances for you to show me how far you have come on the pianoforte. You can play for me right now, if you wish.”
The strange thing was that Sophia was not even angry. Not nearly as much as she should have been. It was disappointment that flooded her to her core, a pending sadness that built slowly inside of her because she could see now like never before how little Gabriel truly cared.
He should know this has nothing to do with missing my performance. But that’s just it, isn’t it? He does not know me at all…
“Are you happy, Gabriel?” She sighed and dropped her arms; the anger was gone, the confrontation in her voice vanished. She decided that at times like this, all she could do was be real, and hope that was enough.
“Excuse me?”
“You asked me long ago the same thing, remember? If I was happy or not.”
“I remember.”
“Now, it’s your turn. Are you happy?”
He hesitated, for only a second, but it was enough. “Of course I am.”
“I’ll rephrase.” She looked right at him so that there was nowhere for him to hide. “Are you happy that you married me?”
Again, he hesitated. This time, it was the surprise of the question that did it. His first reaction was to smile, as if Sophia was making a joke. She held a firm gaze, giving no indication of humor, which saw his smile drop. Further hesitation… a furrowed brow… a tilt of the head… an awkward laugh.
“Sophia, what is this?”
“Answer the question,” she said.
“Why do I feel as if this is a trap?”
“Why are you so incapable of answering what should be a simple question?”
“I don’t… I’m not incapable of answering.” The look he gave her was a picture of uncertainty. “I just don’t understand why you are asking it. I thought we were in a good place. I assumed that things between us were going well. Are they not?”
“If they are going to well, why can you not say so?”
“I just did.”
“No,” she emphasized. “What you have done is dance around a question that should be effortless to answer. If you are happy, if we are in a good place, why not just say it?”
“Because I shouldn’t have to!” He shouted that final part, the frustration of the moment finally breaking him. “I should not have to justify myself to you, Sophia. After everything that we have been through, I would have thought we were passed that point by now.”
“I thought we were too.”
“Then why?” he demanded. “Why the sudden questions? What brought this about?”
Was she and Gabriel in a better place, an argument like this might not have escalated the way it did.
Gabriel could have gone to her, taken her hand, pulled her into him and held her close.
A simple kiss and he might have diffused the tension entirely, proving without having to say anything that Sophia’s worries were in her head.
Of course, he couldn’t do that because they did not have that kind of relationship. And that was the problem.
“What do you want from this marriage, Gabriel?” The anger was gone, as was the depression. In truth, Sophia was at a point now where she just wanted answers… to know if she was wasting her time.
“What do I…” Gabriel hesitated again. He bit into his lip, seeming to understand the change in tone of the conversation. “You know what I want.”