Chapter 19
It was no surprise that Lucy woke in a glorious mood. The morning sun shone across her face, and she felt as if it was made specifically for her.
Once she was awake and dressed, she did as she always did.
First, she checked on James. In the morning, Helga and Margaret looked after James, feeding him, and keeping him busy, but Lucy had gotten into the habit of joining them for short periods, just because she wanted James to become familiar with her.
“You’re in a rather good mood,” Helga noted as Lucy swept into the nursery.
“Oh, am I?” She tried her best to appear normal, but the smile on her face refused to go away. “I just slept well.”
“Is that right…” Helga’s eyes flicked to Margaret, who wore a coy smirk as she fed James.
“What?” Lucy demanded. “What was that look?”
“Look? I do not know what you mean.” Helga pretended to fuss over James’ hair, humming to herself as she did. “Although, I did hear tales about a late-night accident in the kitchen. Something to do with a smashed glass and a rather excitable mistress of the manor.”
Lucy’s cheeks turned bright pink.
“Or maybe it is just gossip,” Helga continued, her coy smile matching Margaret’s. “The staff here tend to speak nonsense.” She raised a knowing eyebrow at Lucy.
“Nonsense…” Lucy nodded vaguely. “That’s exactly what it is.”
She left the two women and James after that, mostly because she knew that if she stayed for much longer then she would completely give herself away. Not that Lucy was embarrassed by what happened. It was more that she wished to remain cautious.
All we did was have an honest conversation. It is nothing to be embarrassed over! And certainly nothing I should avoid speaking of.
Lucy also knew that was less than half true.
Had it just been their conversation, then she doubted her mood would be nearly this piqued. Oh sure, she would feel thrilled, not to mention excited for what was to come. But the conversation was only half of the equation.
It was what happened after that her mind continued to stray toward…
Lucy sat herself down at the breakfast table, ignoring the looks the valet gave her, as well as the food that was served. Her eyes flicked continuously to the doorway, expecting Marcus to walk through at any moment.
What should I say when he arrives? Should I draw attention to what almost happened? Or is it better to ignore it? What would he expect? I do not want to scare him!
The kiss they almost shared… that was what Lucy could not stop thinking about.
All she had wanted until then was companionship, a sense that this marriage might be heading in the right direction.
And she had refused to consider the very real possibility that love or romance might grow between them – they were nowhere near that stage yet!
But that near kiss…
Her heart fluttered just to think about it. And the skin on her hand, right where he had touched her, grew warm. It prickled, then rippled up her arm, and her entire chest flushed so that she could hardly breathe.
They had not kissed, obviously. But they almost had.
Was it not for the interruption, Lucy had no doubt that the night would have ended with her and Marcus kissing on the floor in the kitchen.
And while once, such a thing was not something that she yearned for, nor did it truly appeal to her, the more she thought about it, the more her body reacted, the more she was forced to face the truth: she wanted that kiss.
Needless to say, she was both nervous and excited about when Marcus would join her for breakfast.
However, as the minutes turned, as the hour dragged, and as her food turned cold on her plate, Lucy was forced to face the very real possibility that Marcus would not be joining her.
And with this realization, she was forced to wonder if maybe the kiss they nearly shared was not nearly so consequential for him as it was for her.
What if I am reading too much into it? What if it scared him away? Fool, Lucy! And after things had gone so well… slow and steady was what was needed. Not a kiss!
Lucy finished her breakfast alone.
Then, she spent the late morning alone.
She had James to keep her busy, and for this she was grateful. But as he crawled on the floor, as he giggled and laughed, she was reminded again of yesterday and how close Marcus had come to finally accepting what she knew in her heart he wanted.
He was just so broken. And he refused to admit that being a father, that having a family, did not mean he would turn into his parents, nor would James suffer the same fate as he.
Deep down, he wanted to believe this, Lucy had seen it in his eyes just last night.
But getting him to accept it was another thing entirely.
Lucy spent all that late morning thinking on what to do.
She did not see Marcus during this period, and she got the distinct impression that he was avoiding her. Worse still, if their marriage to date was any indication, he would continue to avoid her, keeping that distance between them, and erecting those walls once more.
What he needs is a push… a reminder of what can be. I saw it last night, he wants it, he just does not want to be the one who initiates in case things go wrong.
Lucy had to believe that if she pushed Marcus to spend more time with her and James, that he would do so. Just as she had to believe that he wanted her to. One more such occasion, a final firm reminder, and she knew that they would finally cross that bridge.
So it was that Lucy took things into her own hands.
It was early in the afternoon when she found herself approaching Marcus’ office. She knew what she had to do, and now it was just a matter of doing it. The key here was to be gentle with it, to not push too hard, while also refusing to take no for an answer.
Most of all, to not find herself in a position as she had last night, where reminders of their near kiss might just ruin everything.
Easier said than done…
She knocked once on the closed door and waited.
“Come in,” Marcus’ voice called.
A deep breath, Lucy tried to still her beating heart, and she popped the door open then stepped inside.
“Lucy!” Marcus balked at the sight of her. “I… I did not expect you.” Although his initial surprise was readily apparent, Marcus was quick to straighten and calm himself.
Lucy smirked to see how nervous he was, relieved to know that last night had affected him in similar ways that it had her. Perhaps even more so…
“I won’t take up too much of your time.” She closed the door behind her and walked to the center of the office. “I just wished to ask you something.”
“Of course.”
Lucy had always found her husband to be attractive. With his dark hair, darker eyes, and sharp features, there were likely few women living who would not call him handsome. What had changed, she quickly realized, was her attraction to him.
When they first met, he was cold and sullen.
Moody too, he stood always as if there were storm clouds gathering above his head that might break at any second.
In truth, it had frightened her a little, the sense that at any moment he might unleash his rancor upon her just because he could.
Worse, as if he might enjoy seeing her tremble.
Now, she knew how wrong this impression had been.
The darkness in him was not anger but loneliness. The sullen and morose mood was not his simmering temper, but a desire to push away anyone who might grow too close. He was emotionally closed off, but he was not wicked, and he certainly was not mean.
She met his eyes. She looked into them. She saw in them a faint spark, perhaps even excitement that she had come to him. It was that look that told her this was the right path to walk.
“I wished to know what you are doing tomorrow,” she asked simply.
“Tomorrow?” he blinked. “I have not thought about it.”
“You are not busy with work?”
He considered. “Not that I know of.”
“That is good.” She smiled so that he could see it. “I realized earlier today that I am yet to take James out of the estate. In fact, I do not know if he has been since you adopted him…” She raised an eyebrow.
“I… I am not sure.”
“He is young, yes, but that does not mean he needs to be cooped up here all day. So, I thought it might be fun to take him on a little adventure. Just a picnic, is my thinking. I am sure that he will love it.”
“Are you here to ask for my permission?” he frowned. “You know that is not necessary, Lucy. If you wish to take James on a picnic, feel free. I hoped you would know that you do not need to run such things by me like this.”
“Oh, that is not why I am here.”
“It’s not…?” His voice cracked as if he knew what was coming.
“I wished to ask if you would like to join us.” Her smile grew and she made sure to hold his eyes so that he had nowhere to look but at her.
Just as she expected, the question made Marcus look uncomfortable.
“I do not know if that’s such a good idea, Lucy.”
“Why not?”
“Because… I do not need to give you a reason.” He cleared his throat. “I have work.”
“You just said you were not busy,” she said.
He cleared his throat again. “You confuse my words. I am not busy in a general sense, but where my work is concerned, there is always something to do.”
She looked at him flatly. “That doesn’t make any sense.”
“You don’t want me to come” he said. “I assure you, that you and James will have a far better time if I am not there.”
“I assure you that we will not.”
“Picnics are not really my thing.”
She rolled her eyes. “It is not about the picnic, Marcus. It is about spending time with James. I just know he will love it. And I know he will love it more if you are there. He wants you there.”
“He is one, Lucy. He will not know the difference.”
Had this been two days ago, Lucy might have given in. But after their conversation last evening, she knew exactly what was holding Marcus back. Just as she knew that deep down, he wanted to come. She had to believe that.
“Marcus…” Slowly, she approached the table. “It is time that you understand that James is going to be in your life forever. He is because you made it so. You did the right thing in adopting him, but that is only half the battle.”
“That is why I married you,” he attempted. “To raise him.”
“No,” she countered. “That is what you have told yourself. But I know the true reason.”
“Which is…”
She stood on the opposite side of the table, folded her arms, and looked down at him with a soft, forgiving expression.
“You have seen first hand what it is like to be raised in an emotionless home, one where mother and father alike care nothing for their children. You have seen it, you have lived it, and you do not want it for James.”
“I –”
“You want him to have a family,” she spoke over him.
“That is why you married me. You want him to have the life that you did not. Now, this picnic might not seem like a big deal, and maybe it isn’t such a thing.
” She laughed. “But it is a step in the right direction, and you will be surprised what such a small thing will do.”
He did not look convinced, his head bowed, his conscience fighting itself.
“Small gestures,” she said. “Intimate moments. Do you remember? That is how you show someone that you love them.”
She spoke softly but her heart raced. While her words were meant to describe Marcus’ relationship with James, Lucy could not escape their other meaning. She just hoped that Marcus did not notice…
Either way, as she stood over him, as she fixed him in a pleading stare, she saw her words take the desired effect. His expression softened. His fidgeting lessened. And finally, the hint of a smile touched the side of his mouth, and those walls started to lower…
“You really think he will notice if I am there?”
“He will,” she said. “As will I, for that matter.”
That did it. Those final words and Marcus relaxed such that Lucy could feel it across the table and throughout the room.
He had always wanted this, she was sure, and all he needed was a firm push.
That final confirmation that he wasn’t doing anything wrong, and that this here was the right path to walk.
“Tomorrow?” he asked her.
“Tomorrow,” she confirmed.
“I will check my schedule, but I am sure I will be able to make it.”
She beamed, wanting him to see it. “I look forward to it. And Marcus, thank you. This means so much… for James, I mean.”
“Of course.” He looked right at her, his meaning clear. “For James.”
Lucy left the room quickly after that, needed because she felt her chest starting to flush. Where tomorrow was indeed meant for Marcus and James, she too was excited to see what it might do for her own relationship with her husband.
After all, was that not what this was about? Lucy thought the world of James, she knew now ghat she would be there for him always, just as she knew that both their lives would be better if Marcus was a part of it.
If this marriage was somehow to transform into something real, this here was the first step. And Lucy knew now that she wished to take it.