Chapter 20
Marcus’s mind raced with intrepid thoughts of fear and worry, and try as he might, he could not remove them.
They came from nowhere and caught him by complete surprise. One moment, he was looking forward to the coming day, so much so that he had spent much of last night thinking of it – done with a smile on his face and a fluttering of his heart because he knew that this was a good thing.
This is exactly what I needed. I needed that push… that reminder that my life does not have to be what I have always assumed, or what was forced on me. That I can have so much more…
Then the day arrived, and that was when the bad thoughts that he had done so well to ignore started to creep in.
It was ridiculous, he knew. There was no reason for it whatsoever. All this was, was a picnic with his adopted son and his wife. It was the most expected of things and nothing to worry about. Damnation, he knew he wanted this!
What was more, he wanted to spend more time with Lucy.
He had thought much of their midnight conversation and how revealing it was.
Her words rang clear in his head, almost prophetic, and everything that she said to him was true.
He was not his parents, they no longer controlled him, and James’ life could be so much more if he was just brave enough to accept his role in it.
And none of that was to mention their almost kiss…
Marcus wanted his wife. He was through pretending otherwise.
And that she clearly wanted him should have been good news.
It was a real chance for this marriage to become more than what it had started as, just as it was a chance for him to change into the man he always knew he could be but was too scared to pursue.
What if I fail? What if I prove that my parents were right to treat me this way? What if I am just like them, and by trying to improve James and Lucy’s life, I ruin it?
He was in his office, pacing, panicking, counting down the minutes until Lucy came to collect him for their picnic. He had no choice but to go on this picnic, he knew that now. Just as he suddenly knew how big of a mistake this was. That’s all it could be.
A knock at the door made him jump.
“What?” he barked and then winced. “I mean, come in.” He expected it to be Lucy, collecting him for the day and he tried not to look as if his world was collapsing.
The door opened and in walked one of his valets.
“Your Grace,” the valet said with a deep bow. “A letter has just arrived for you.”
“A letter? From whom?” He snatched the letter and pried it open. Then his eyes scanned it. And then his stomach sank. “Oh…”
The letter was from the same business partner who had hosted the garden party two weeks ago.
It was an urgent request to meet as soon as possible – today, would be best. As the letter detailed, a few of the investors had pulled out at the last minute, which in turn greatly affected the funds that were needed.
To make up for this lost funding, ideas needed to be come up with and then actioned, lest the entire venture fall apart.
“Damnation,” Marcus cursed as he read the letter again.
“Shall I send a response?” the valet asked.
“No,” Marcus sighed. “I will send one this evening when I…” He trailed off as an idea came to mind.
It was a cowardly idea. It was damn rotten. But it was also a shining light that if he followed it to its end, might just save him from himself.
Lucy is likely to hate me. But is that not a good thing? If she hates me, she will stop trying to force James and this notion of a family upon me. She might finally accept that I am exactly as I have always said… for the better.
“Wait there.” Marcus walked around his desk, sat down, pulled out a sheet of parchment and scribbled a quick reply. Then, he handed it to the valet. “Have this sent at once.”
“Your Grace.” The valet took the parchment, bowed once more, and hurried from the room.
Marcus watched him go and while he told himself that he had done the right thing, he knew in his heart that it was the opposite of that. Lucy would be devastated, and she would be right to hate him.
It was five minutes later when Lucy appeared in the open doorway.
She was dressed in casual half-dress, a golden yellow gown with a bonnet tied under her chin. She beamed when she stepped into the office, and Marcus could not remember a time that he had seen her so happy.
His stomach twisted with guilt and his chest tightened as if a knife had been driven into it. But he firmed himself, straightened his back, and fixed her with a level gaze.
“Are you ready to leave?” she asked him. “I have just had the carriage pull up outside.”
“I am afraid that I have some bad news,” he said without emotion.
“Oh…” She licked her lips and her smile faulted.
“I have just received word from a business partner. There has been… a development.” He was sure not to look displeased or happy. He spoke to her as if this was nothing more than a business transaction. “Sadly, it requires my immediate attention.”
Her brow furrowed and the smile fell completely. “We can delay the picnic by a few hours, if needed. We are in no rush.”
“This will take more than a few hours, Lucy. The meeting is to take place in London, and while the journey will not take long, the meeting is sure to last all day.” His stomach twisted further so he thought he might be sick.
“I know that you had your heart set on this picnic, and I still think that you should go. Only, not with me.”
“That is…” She looked at Marcus as if she did not recognize him. “Can it not be pushed back a day? James is so looking forward to it.”
“The boy is one,” he said simply. “He will not know if I am there or not.”
“That is not the point.”
“No…” He kept his voice level as a growl threatened to creep from his lips.
“The point is that I am busy. I was happy to humor you with this picnic nonsense. I was happy to take time out of my day, even if I think the whole thing is foolish. But work comes first, Lucy, it always does, and I do not expect to have to explain myself further than that.”
Marcus could not have said what reaction he expected from Lucy.
Anger, perhaps? He might have liked it if she started to shout at him. He deserved nothing less, and that way he would know that she cared, and where he stood.
Or sadness? How would he feel if she started to cry? Likely worse than he already did, but again, he deserved such things. He did not want to feel good about this, he did not want to feel as if he had won something. Marcus was taking the coward’s way out and he needed to feel rotten.
Rather, what she fixed on him was complete indifference.
She straightened. She looked at him with apathy. The temperature in the room seemed to drop by several degrees so that Marcus started to shake. And then, she shrugged.
“If that is how it must be, then that is how it must be.” She looked him over, that same sense of apathy painting her features; the way one might look at an ant that had crawled onto your shoe.
“It is a shame, as it promises to be a wonderful day. But maybe it is best that you do not come, seeing as business is more important. I would hate for us to get in the way.”
She held him in a final look. It was dispassionate, it was empty, and it felt like she had twisted that knife already lodged into Marcus’ chest.
Lucy turned and walked to the door then, where she paused and turned back a final time. “Perhaps it is lucky that James is only one. It looks as if his father’s absence is something he ought to get used to, so better to start early.”
It was a slap across the face, and it took Marcus all the control he had not to cower back. Rather, he looked at her without emotion, as if her words had no effect on him whatsoever.
It was only once she was gone that Marcus reacted.
He slunk down in his chair. He clutched his chest. He withdrew inside of himself, the walls of his office closing in as the ceiling collapsed to bury him.
I did the right thing… the only thing… this is who I am… Lucy with thank me for it one day, as will James.
He repeated those words, needing to believe them.
Typically, they would not take. And so, there Marcus sat, alone, feeling wretched, and hating himself for hurting the one person in this world who actually cared for him…
. who had once cared for him, because he doubted that she did anymore.
Truly, Marcus did not deserve such things, nor would he ever.
* * *
It was late in the evening when Marcus returned home from his business meeting.
He slunk inside, doing his best to remain quiet, praying that Lucy had gone to bed so that he would not have to face her. In fact, if he had his way, he might never face her again. Impossible, he knew, but that just spoke to how ashamed he was of his actions.
I had hoped that a day spent working might clear my conscience, that it might remind me of who I am and why I acted the way that I did. Typically, it only made me feel worse…
Why was he this way? He knew the answer, but that did not mean it was justified. That did not mean that he wanted it. But the thought of changing who he was, of trying in this marriage as well as at being a father, filled him with fear the likes of which he had never known.
That, and he was stubborn to a fault. Having lived this way for so long, he could not conceive things changing for him. What was more, he did not think that he deserved them to.
Lucy will be happier for it. James will be happier for it. Let me be the villain, let me be the monster. One day, they will understand.
So it was that he snuck across the foyer silently, his heart thumping as he listened for movement within the townhouse.
He reached the staircase and slowly started up each step, with the intent of reaching bed, scurrying himself away, and spending the rest of night in a state of mourning and self-pity
At least he meant to.