Chapter 24
Twenty-Four
Alaric was shaking by the time he and Clara walked back inside the cabin. The adrenaline that had been surging through his body was starting to fade, exhaustion was taking him, and where he wanted nothing more than for this day to end and be forgotten, he knew that the worst was still to come.
She is going to hate me by the time this is through. And she will have every right. Where she might wish to never look at me again, at least she will do so knowing that she is safe.
“Here…” Clara led him to the cot that was pushed into the corner of the shabby cabin. “Sit.”
He did as he was told, his thoughts shattered, his mind addled, this entire day feeling like a dream.
The only thing that kept him in the moment was the presence of Clara by his side.
She kept a tight hold of his hand as she sat down with him, and she stayed right by his side so that they were touching.
There was a comfort in having her with him. A feeling that while she was with him, nothing else could go wrong. A theory I am about to put to the test.
“You wish to know about Helena…”
“I think I need to,” she said softly, squeezing his hand. “Just as I think you need to speak it out loud. Only then might we move past it.”
He scoffed. “There will be no moving past it.”
“We will see,” she said.
Alaric forced himself to look at her. That only made things worse.
In her eyes, he could see clearly how much she adored him, how much she hoped that whatever it was he was about to tell her would not change her opinion.
She wanted to believe in him. Why does she?
Because she cares for me, that is the truth.
But where that should make me feel better, it only makes things worse.
“To understand my marriage to Helena, first you must understand my father,” Alaric started, his voice growing distant as he felt himself transported back to his childhood.
“He was like my uncle in many ways. A stern believer in the importance of propriety and appearances. All he cared about was what others thought of him. He did not need to be liked. He certainly did not need to be loved…” He laughed bitterly. “He required respect above all else.”
“Were you two close?” she asked.
He shook his head. “There was no one close to my father. He was a cruel man, distant and emotionless…” Another bitter laugh. “In case you were wondering where I got it from.”
She laughed softly. “I had suspected.”
“But still, all I ever wished was to please him. And the harder he pushed me away, the worse he treated me, the more desperate I was for his approval. I spent my entire life doing everything he asked of me, without question, not caring if it made me happy or if it was what I wanted. I did it because I thought that…” His lips curled.
“I thought that if he was happy, so would I be.”
“And Helena?” she pushed gently.
He nodded and breathed in deep; his chest hurt from the action, or rather, his heart did.
“I met her by accident, at a ball, a night when my father was working tirelessly to find me a lady who was worthy of our family name. I came upon her on the balcony…” He smiled briefly.
“Much like you and me, in some ways. She was being harassed by a lord who I thought to be obsessed with her, and when I saw it, I pretended to be with her so he might leave her alone. I thought little of it, keeping her company for the night so that no harm might come to her.”
“Was it… a scandal?”
“No,” he shook his head. “What I came to learn was that the lord I had saved her from was brother to another who loved Helena as she loved him. He was trying to scare her off, but Helena…” He laughed to remember it.
“She would not be scared. She loved him, and still did even after that lord was forced to marry another. Done so to keep her away. By then, I had grown close to Helena, and it pained me to see her so broken. Worse, rumors had started about her, that she was harassing the lord, that she was crazed. She was not of a politically well-known family, she had few options before her, and with the rumors growing, those options became even less….”
For a second there, Alaric disappeared back to that moment in time, the night that would come to define him.
Memories of a decision he made not out of love, but a desire to, for once, do what he felt was right, rather than what his father demanded of him.
His own choice made, the consequences be damned… or so I thought.
“I offered to marry her,” he continued. “To protect her,” he then sneered in self-disgust. “My father be damned. Rumor be damned. We married quickly, so it could not be stopped. And the truth of it…” Another smile.
“I did not regret it. Our marriage was not out of love or passion, but friendship, because we both needed one another. And for a short time, I was truly happy.” He stopped them, the pain starting to wreak havoc with his insides. ”
“And then what happened?” she pressed gently, squeezing his hand to keep him strong and let him know she was there.
“My father was furious with me,” he said darkly.
As he spoke, he looked ahead, picturing now his father and the fight they’d had.
“And he told me in no uncertain terms that if I did not annul the marriage, I would regret it. Worse, he told me that Helena would be the one who suffered. But I did not listen. I thought the threats were empty. I didn’t even waste words warning Helena, thinking that so long as she was with me, she would be safe.
That I… that I could protect her.” He shuddered as the cabin seemed to turn cold. “I found her a week later…”
“Oh no…” she gasped.
“In the garden just below the window to her bedroom. It looked as if she fell… or jumped…” He grimaced.
“Or was pushed. My father insisted that she did it to herself, to save herself the shame of an annulment. But I knew the truth. That he… that my father…” His body started to shake again, and Clara wrapped an arm around his shoulder. “That he killed her.”
She gasped. “He would do such a thing?”
“You have met my uncle,” he huffed. “I do not doubt it for a second. Worse than that, my father became sick shortly after, taken by an illness that saw him bedridden and unconscious for weeks. Weak. Decaying. He did not even have the strength to look me in the eyes and tell me what he did.”
“I do not…” She hesitated, biting into her lip. “I do not understand. Lord Wolfe implied that you killed your father…”
“I may as well have,” he sighed. “When he was taken with his sickness, I had him brought to my home and locked in his room. I denied him care, feeding him, keeping him comfortable, but refusing to call for the doctor. My thinking was that if he was strong enough, he would pull through. And if not…” His expression and tone darkened together. “I suppose God had other plans.”
“But Alaric…” She kept a hold of his hand, still looking at him, even if he could not bring himself to look at her. “What happened to Helena. That was not… You did not kill her.”
“I did.”
“No, you did not.” She tried to take his face to make him look at her, but he pulled away. “Your father was the one who killed her, not you. You know this – you just said it.”
“He killed her because of me…” Alaric groaned as the room turned around him, the memory of that morning crashing down upon him like a tidal wave, so he could hardly breathe.
“I knew what my father was capable of. I knew what kind of man he was. Just as I knew that if I did nothing…” He dropped his head, shoulders going rigid.
“I should have told Helena of his threat. I should have given her a chance to save herself. But I was arrogant. Ignorant. I did nothing, and that is why she is dead.”
Clara said nothing. But he could feel her watching him closely.
Alaric could not bring himself to meet her eyes, a part of him almost hoping that she simply stood and walked from the cabin so he would not have to face her accusations.
Yes, what she said was technically true, but it made no difference to Alaric.
As far as he was concerned, Helena was dead because of him, and nothing would change that.
“All this time,” she began softly. “You have blamed yourself for your wife’s death.”
“As it was.”
“And you let the ton believe that you killed her.”
“I did.”
She shook her head. “I was right, Alaric. About everything – you are not a monster. Just as you are not a killer.”
He stiffened. “But I am –”
“No,” she spoke over him. This time, when she took him by the face, and he tried to pull back, she refused to release him.
She held strong, turning his head so their eyes met.
She looked right at him, through him it felt like.
She was angry. She was determined. She was unyielding in her belief, and that gave Alaric strength…
if only a little. “Do you remember the first night I met you? Do you?”
“Of course.”
“So, you remember what it was that I needed – why I sat down beside you?” She raised an eyebrow at him.
He winced and tried to look away, but she would not let him. “You… you needed someone to save you. But I told you, I am not –”
“Which you did,” she pressed on him. “You saved me from Lord Ayles. Just as you saved me from my father. You might not have wanted to. Dammit, you did everything to try to avoid such a thing. But in the end, you did as only you could do, Alaric…” Her eyes began to water. “You saved me. And again today –”
“You were almost killed because of me!”
“But you saved me!” she cried. “Just as you saved Helena, do not dare blame yourself for her death. Do not act as if you killed her when you know deep down in your heart that is a lie. It is a lie because you are not a killer, Alaric…” Her voice was pleading, and he could see it in her eyes as much as he could hear it.
“You are a hero, whether you want to be or not.”
“I am not…”
“I am going to give you an option,” she continued, still holding him by the head.
“If you wish it, I will go. If you truly think that I will be better off, I will leave here and never come back. If you honestly think that my staying with you will be a danger to me, then I will not try to change your mind.” She bit into her lip, her stare increasing.
“But if there is even a part of you that loves me…”
“Of course there is,” he said softly.
“Then prove it,” she said, a smile now taking her lips and filling her face. “Prove that you do. I need saving right now, Alaric. Just as I did on that first day. I need a hero, and I see one right before me. I just wish that he could see it too.”
Alaric didn’t know what to say.
But I love her. And she loves me. Is that enough? Can my love protect her as she needs…
He forced himself to look at her. He held her eyes as he searched her for an answer. He had come here because he wanted to tell her the truth. That was done now, and still she wanted to be with him. Was that not the point? Was he not for once giving her the decision to make?
“I… I…” He struggled to say what he felt.
“Say it,” she urged him.
For so long, Alaric had lived alone with his guilt.
He had become used to it. He had learned to accept it because he thought that was all he deserved.
But Clara had changed that in him. She, like no one else, saw another side of him and brought it to life.
She gave him a reason to live. Can I let that go? Can I live with myself if I do?
“I… I don’t want to hurt you,” he said softly.
“You never could.”
“All I want is for you to be safe.”
“I am safest with you.”
“I…” He hesitated further, the words right there, struggling to be free from his tongue. “I do love you, Clara. You must know that.”
“As I love you…” She was smiling now, tears beginning to stand in her eyes. “And where I need saving, so do you, Alaric. Let me save you as you saved me.”
He broke then. It came on suddenly. The walls he had spent his life erecting. The shell that he lived in. The determination to never let himself feel or want or love again… it shattered as a glass dropped from the highest tower, spilling forth all the emotions he’d kept pent up for so long.
But he did not cry. He did not weep and withdraw into himself. Rather, he bloomed, and a smile took his face because, for once, the path before him was clear. For once, there was no confusion. For once, he knew what he had to do.
And so, he did it.
Alaric kissed his wife on the lips, and she kissed him back.
Her hands held his face, and he took her face with his own.
It was a deep kiss filled with passion and love.
A kiss that told of how he felt for her, as she felt for him.
A kiss that wiped clear the past and made way for the future.
A kiss between a man and wife, a love match, a marriage that was destined to stand the test of time.
It was the kiss of a man who would do anything to protect the woman he loved.
And when he pulled away, tears streaming down his face, there was but one thing left to say, so he said it. “I think it is time we return home.”
She smiled. “Both of us?”
“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Alaric took Clara by the hand and lifted her from the cot. Then he led her outside and helped her onto his horse. And then, together, they rode from the forest and back toward Ravencourt Castle toward home.