Chapter 11
Eleven
“What are you doing?” the soft voice spoke from the doorway.
Ronan snapped his head up in surprise, not expecting company. And he certainly wasn’t expecting to find Olivia standing at the edge of the room, her eyes wide and curious as she watched him.
His first instinct was to scowl and scare her away. Which he did to little effect because, for some reason, Olivia didn’t fear him like she should. She continued to watch him with unabated curiosity, those big eyes fixed upon him as if he was the most interesting thing she had ever seen.
“I am reading,” he growled and then looked back down at his book.
“Why?” she asked.
He suppressed a groan, refusing to look up. “Why what?”
“Why are you reading?”
“Because…” Ronan didn’t know how to answer. Why would he? Why would he ever have to explain such a thing? “Because I wish to do it.”
“Why?” she asked.
Another suppressed groan.
It was an hour before supper, and as Ronan did on most nights, he sat in his personal reading room on the second floor of the western wing, reading whichever book he had chosen for the week, passing the time because when one lived alone there was more than enough of it to kill.
Too much time by far. Until this week, I never considered how empty my life was, how little I have to do and how long the days have become.
But now that there is life in this castle, that which I am actively trying to avoid, my monotonous life has a limelight shone upon it in ways I never considered…
“Why?” Olivia asked again, this time taking a nervous step into the reading room.
Ronan looked up again, the scowl still there, the effect the same as earlier. “It is what adults do when they wish to be left alone.”
Olivia nodded with understanding. “What are you reading?”
Ronan knew little about children, but he knew enough to understand that this one wasn’t going to get the hint and leave him be.
And most strangely, while he told himself he wanted nothing more than that outcome, there was a part of him that…
that was not so much glad for her company but also wasn’t as dismissive as it could be.
Even Ronan had to admit that the girl was cute. With her blonde curls and big blue eyes and those red, swollen cheeks. And she was just so eager and curious, taking the world in as if she was seeing everything for the first time.
She did not care that he was big and scary. She didn’t know enough about him to be afraid or wary. If anything, she seemed to like him. As impossible as that should have been.
“What are you doing here?” He closed the book and put it down on the table beside the couch.
“I was bored…” Another step into the reading room.
“And your mother?” he asked. “Where is she?”
The little girl giggled. “She thinks I am napping. I was napping…” she added, as if she needed him to know. “But I woke up and… and… and…” She looked about the reading room, her eyes growing wide. “What is this room? It’s scary.”
He could see why she would think that. It was small in size, but the ceiling was high, and the light was so dim that most of it sat in darkness. The only real piece of furniture was the couch on which Ronan sat, positioned by the hearth; the fire dim and crackling softly.
“You don’t seem very afraid,” he said.
“Why would I be?” Her smile grew. “You are here.”
Ronan felt it then, his chest turning suddenly tight. It was as if a hand grabbed his heart and squeezed it and he buckled, not understanding what it was or how it had happened.
He studied the little girl, a smile tugging at his lips. It wasn’t enough that she did not fear him, but that she thought of him as a protector… again, his chest tightened.
“Olivia!” a voice cried from outside the room.
Olivia’s eyes widened and she spun about just in time to see her mother sweeping into the room. And unlike the little girl, her mother looked very much afraid.
“What are you doing in here?” She was quick to grab her daughter and lift her into her arms, then holding her tight to her chest as if to keep her safe. “What did I tell you?”
“I was just exploring,” Olivia said with a giggle.
“I told you…” She held Olivia out so she could look into her eyes. “You are not to go down this end of the castle. No matter what.”
“Why?” Olivia asked. “I thought this was my home.”
Thalia grimaced. “It is. But…” She looked past her daughter to find Ronan watching them. “His Grace is busy, and he doesn’t wish to be disturbed.”
“He is only reading,” she said. “I think he’s bored.”
“This is not a conversation,” she said firmly before looking at Ronan again. It did not escape him that, unlike Olivia, Thalia was careful not to wander too far into the room. “I am so sorry,” she said. “I thought she was napping.”
Ronan very nearly told her that it did not bother him. And he found as he almost said those words that it was the truth. Despite how much he relished his alone time, there was something about that tiny interaction that left him feeling… good. Even happy.
But he pushed down that response before it escaped his lips.
“I would ask that you keep an eye on her from now on,” he said, hating himself the moment that he did. “I am trying to read. Made hard to do when I am asked a dozen pointless questions.”
Thalia’s brow tightened and he saw frustration in her eyes. Anger, perhaps, because she did not appreciate his tone. But she was quick to soften her expression… “Of course. I will do better to watch her.”
“See that you do.”
Ronan made sure to be looking right at her as he spoke, his voice a low growl, letting the finality of the statement sit between them. Still nursing Olivia, Thalia flinched back slightly, perhaps not surprised by his words but clearly a little hurt by them.
“As you say.” She turned to leave, and Ronan winced, knowing he’d said the wrong thing, unwilling to do anything about it. Only then, Thalia paused when she reached the door and looked back. “This might be a stupid question but…” Hesitation took over, her chin trembling.
“Yes?”
“Olivia and I will be sitting down for supper shortly. I was wondering if you would like to join us?”
“Yes!” Olivia cried out excitedly. “Do!”
Again, there was the urge to say yes. He was surprised that she would even want such a thing. “You… you want me to join you?”
“Of course,” she said, even allowing a hint of a smile to reach her lips. “But only if you wish to do so.”
He hesitated on his answer.
I do want that. Just to prove that I can. Just to prove that I am not what everyone says of me, and what I know of myself…
“Say yes,” Olivia pleaded. “Better than reading! That is boring.”
“I am fine, thank you,” Ronan said sharply, snatching at his book and opening it. “I am happy to eat alone.” And then, because he felt he must, because he wanted to put this conversation behind him, he went back to looking down at his book.
Thalia did not respond immediately. Nor did she leave. He could see her out of the corner of his eyes, watching him. And as she did, he hoped that she would press him, that she would not take no for an answer. At least not without a fight.
“As you say,” she said finally, quick to leave the room.
Ronan stared at the page as he listened to Thalia’s footsteps fade through the castle. His heart was racing and his stomach knotted because he felt more guilty than he should have done.
On the surface of it all, Ronan was convinced he had done the right thing.
He was determined not to get too close to Thalia or her daughter.
He was resolved in his desire to keep his walls erected so he might live in peace behind them.
But those walls were crumbling and through them the truth was starting to appear.
He was nowhere near as satisfied with his life as he liked to believe. And for the first time in as long as he could remember, he found someone who seemed to understand that about him. Just as they appeared willing to do something about it…
A shame that I ruined it before I was even given the chance. But such things are for the best, and one day, I pray that Thalia will come to realize it. Things will just be easier that way.