Chapter 13
Me: Please answer your phone. I’m at your house. Where are you?
I collapse back on the couch with a weary grunt and run my hands over my face a few times, rubbing my tired eyes.
Most of the morning was spent reading—consent forms, release forms, insurance forms. Information about the surgery and its risks.
Information about chemo and its side effects.
Waivers. After the second hour, the words blurred and ran together.
Nothing made sense anymore. A killer of a migraine set in.
Then my doorbell rang, and I was thankful for the reprieve.
Until I opened the door and saw who it was.
“Lizzie giving you the silent treatment?” Hailey asks from beside me, putting her Kindle down.
When I walked inside Elizabeth’s house, I was hoping to find her so I could apologize and explain, in that order. Instead of my girlfriend, I found Hailey lounging on the sofa, reading.
“Yeah.”
“Do you know why?”
“Yeah.”
Hailey kicks my foot when I don’t elaborate. More and more recently, she has been acting like her old self. Right now, she’s playing the part of annoying, pesky little sister.
Before I can think about the ramifications of my next words, I blurt, “She walked in on me and Maria.” That came out sounding so much worse than it did in my head.
Hailey sucks in a sharp breath, but she replies with, “Hmm.”
I sit up, more alert. “It’s not what you’re thinking.”
“Hmm,” she hums again.
Out of all the people to talk with about Maria, Hailey should be at the very bottom of that list. I’ve heard the whole story in several viewpoints about the fight at school between Elizabeth and Maria and what caused it.
Trying for diplomacy, I tell her, “She came over to see how I was doing. Word has gotten out that I don’t have the flu.”
Worry crosses Hailey’s face. “Ryder, I haven’t said a word. And we both know how good Lizzie is at keeping secrets.”
Her tone has me pausing. Hailey quickly looks away.
“I wasn’t accusing you. It was bound to happen sooner or later.” Our picturesque town of Fallen Brook isn’t that big, and small-town gossip tends to run rampant.
Hailey plays with a thread on her long-sleeved shirt, then pulls at the cuffs until they cover her hands down to her second knuckles.
“Hales, nothing happened between me and Maria.”
“Hmm.”
Seriously. Nothing happened other than us talking. So why is Hailey’s vocal humming making me feel guilty as hell?
Ever since I was diagnosed, I’ve been walking on eggshells around Elizabeth.
What we have together is still new, still fragile, even though we’ve been best friends for over eight years.
However, our romantic relationship is only a few months old, and part of that time was lost when she went away with Fallon.
My life is becoming one miserably monotonous day after another of worry and questions.
Of tests and medical appointments. My dreams are filled with nightmares of death.
Of screaming at God and demanding, why me.
I have so much I still want to experience.
To see. The next year of my life will be taken from me and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Isolation, chemo, surgery, recovery. Check-ups.
More tests. I won’t be able to escape it.
My future will revolve around the cancer.
Fearing it will come back. Praying that it doesn’t.
Hoping that the treatments I get now don’t cause something worse to happen later.
It’s like I’m playing a game of chicken with the cancer to see who flinches first.
ALL is a label that will stick with me forever.
It will strip me of my identity. Of who I am.
I won’t be Ryder Cutton anymore. The adrenaline junkie who likes to race fast cars and faster bikes.
The guy who is a grease monkey and enjoys working at his dad’s garage.
The guy who is in love with an incredible girl.
The guy who recently got accepted to Carolina University and is looking forward to experiencing college life.
I won’t be him anymore. No one will remember any of those parts of me.
I’ll just become that guy who had cancer.
But only if the graft works. Only if I stay in remission.
I guess it’s why I invited Maria in when she showed up at my door.
I may not have the luxury of time. I need to get my affairs in order now.
It’s why I’ve been meeting with Fallon’s lawyer, Charles Worthington.
I need a plan of action. A just-in-case plan.
It’s morbid as hell, but I feel like I don’t have a choice.
That I don’t get a say anymore in what happens to me.
ALL is at the wheel and I’m just along for the ride.
Elizabeth would be livid if she heard me say that.
Twisting to face Hailey better, I tell her, “Maria said she came to apologize. She wanted me to know how sorry she was about everything that went down between us. She wants to be friends again.”
That was the wrong thing to say, because Hailey snaps, “Are you friends again?”
“No.”
Maria’s lack of remorse for what she did to Elizabeth was the first clue I had that she wasn’t being sincere.
Then when Elizabeth showed up unexpectantly, Maria’s smug smirks finished the job.
Just because I’m a guy, doesn’t mean I’m clueless and don’t notice things.
After Elizabeth left, I thanked Maria for dropping by and left it at that.
Hailey stands up. “Just so you know, she and Marshall broke up last weekend. Sounds like you’re her rebound. Want something to drink?”
It figures there was an ulterior motive to Maria’s visit. I follow Hailey into the kitchen.
“How mad do you think Elizabeth is going to be?”
Hailey reaches inside the fridge and grabs two cans of soda. “How much are you willing to grovel?”
I accept the can she offers and pop the tab. “That mad, huh?” I joke.
We smile at each other, but then she becomes suddenly serious. Leaning over the counter island, she rolls the chilled can between her hands.
“Ryder, I know things are awful for you right now. Just…just be patient with Lizzie. She’s going through a lot too.”
“I know she is.”
Hailey shakes her head. “You really don’t,” she mumbles under her breath.
That doesn’t sound good. “Why do you say that?”
She guzzles her drink while staring out the kitchen window, then takes her time wiping her mouth and throwing the can into the recycle bin. “Lizzie’s back,” she states, patting me on the arm as she walks out of the kitchen.
Sure enough, from the window I see Elizabeth get out of her car.
The passenger door opens and out pops Jay.
My teeth clench when he meets her at the front of the car and brings her in for a hug.
One that lasts a little too long for my liking.
They’re just friends. He’s her ex. Jay and I are rebuilding our friendship.
He promised he’d back off and wouldn’t cause any more problems for us.
Slamming my soda can down with force on the countertop next to the sink, I watch them through the window, my old friend, jealousy, coming back to say hello. Reminding me of all the months I stood aside and watched them together. Pining for her. Hating him.
“Ryder? You here?” The creak of the front door opening, and Elizabeth’s voice have me turning from the window, waiting. “Hey, Hales. Have you seen—”
“Kitchen,” I hear Hailey reply.
Muffled footsteps on the wood floor pad closer. And just like every time I see her, my heart freefalls when Elizabeth enters the kitchen. I am so gone for this girl.
“Hey.” She stops at the entryway, looking unsure. I did that to her. I made her feel that way.
“I love you.” I open my arms to her, and she doesn’t hesitate to come to me. “I love you,” I tell her again as she clutches me tightly.
I tell her again as I kiss her soft, welcoming lips. I plan on saying those three very important words to her for the rest of my life. I can’t let this cancer. I won’t allow it to because I have so much to live for.
For the rest of the evening, there’s no talk of Maria, only laughter as the four of us help Daniel make dinner in the messiest, most chaotic way possible. Julien shows up just as we’re sitting down at the table to eat. Typical.