Chapter 32
“Hey.” Jayson says as he climbs out of his window to join me in our tree.
After dropping Ryder off at home—which was, honestly, one of the most awkward and heart-wrenching moments of my life—I drove down the street to the Jameson’s and texted Jayson to meet me out here.
The thick blanket of clouds that had been obscuring the sky earlier this evening has now moved on to reveal a starlit-filled night.
I’ve been gazing up at the North star for the past five minutes, seeking answers to endless questions.
The tree shakes and creaks as Jayson carefully makes his way over to me and sits down, locking his legs around the girth of the branch to hold himself in place
One look at my face and he knows something is wrong. He reaches for my hands, which are shaking like mad, and holds them between his. “Liz, what’s wrong?”
“Ryder broke up with me.”
If I wasn’t so distraught, I’d laugh at the contorted expression on Jayson’s face that looks like he just licked a dozen sour lemons.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I add.
Jayson scoots closer and drapes my legs over his as we face each other. “I am so sorry.” He reaches up and takes my face in his hands as tears leak like a waterfall from my eyes.
I keep telling myself that Ryder didn’t mean it.
He’s being stupid and stubborn and scared.
I know he loves me. I know it. He wouldn’t have kissed me like he did if he didn’t.
But I’m so tired of him pushing me away, of not trusting the almost nine years we share together.
I have the baby to think about and a future to plan and prepare for, because it’s coming whether I want it to or not.
I’ll be eighteen in a week. Seven days until I’m officially an adult, even though I still feel like a clueless teenager most of the time. Unsure. Confused. Full of self-doubt.
I give a small shrug and a timorous smile. “It is what it is, Jayson.” Ryder will continue to build his wall between us, and I will continue to hit it with a sledgehammer. We may be over as a couple, but I will never give up on him as my friend. “I still want to go tomorrow morning.”
Tomorrow is the day. Ryder will officially start the long process of ablative chemo. And we’re all going to be there for him, so he can suck it if he thinks otherwise.
“That’s the plan, princess. We’ll come get you around six.”
“Only if you bring me donuts.” My crooked grin makes him smile in return.
“I can do that. May I?” he asks, gesturing to my stomach.
It’s recently become a habit for him to touch my stomach often.
I think he wants to be the first to feel the baby kick.
It’s endearing and makes my heart melt. It also shows me how he’s with me in this thing one hundred percent.
He, Fallon, and Julien have really stepped up in so many important ways.
Ways that I’d wish Ryder would. Just another sad reminder that Ryder and I are really and truly over.
If I’m being completely honest, there have been several times I have daydreamed about Jayson being the baby’s father.
My mind would drift back to the love note he wrote me in one of the silver origami stars that he hung from this very tree on Valentine’s Day.
Inside the paper star he gave me, a wish was written.
One that described exactly how he pictured our daughter would look.
It’s funny—well, okay, funny isn’t the word I should be using, but whatever—how one horrific night changed everything.
The night of the car accidents. The night Pete Masters took my parents from me and Hailey and altered my life forever when I woke up with no memory.
Taking Jayson’s hand, I push up my jacket and press his palm flat to my abdomen. The warmth of it settles and soothes me, and I begin to relax after being on an emotional roller coaster for most of the evening.
His pale gray eyes look up at me. “When should we be able to feel the baby kick?” He rubs his hand back and forth across my skin.
“Twenty weeks, I think. But I’ll be the only one to feel it at first. The book said it will feel like flutters in my tummy.”
He smiles and bends over almost in half so he can get closer. “Hey, baby gummy.”
I run my hand through his hair. I don’t realize I’m doing it at first. How many nights had I spent wrapped in his arms in my bed, doing just that?
“Jayson, why do you want this? You have the rest of your life to live and so much more to discover about yourself, things you want to do and see. Why would you want to be tied down to me and a kid that may not be yours? And even if it was yours, I’d still be asking the same question.”
His hand stops moving. “Liz, before we were ever an us, we were best friends. You are still my best friend. You’re my family just as much as Jules is my brother.
There is no future that I see that doesn’t have you somewhere in it.
You’ve always been our girl. Our princess.
My first and forever love,” he replies softly, stroking a thumb over the apple of my cheek with his other hand before sitting back and grabbing ahold of the sides of the branch.
“I will not be responsible for ruining your life and taking away your dreams.” I can’t do that to any of them. Losing Ryder to the cancer would devastate me but being the cause for any of them to look back at their lives with regret would destroy me.
“What about you?” he asks, heat fused in his words. “Why should it be you who gives up her dreams? You didn’t get pregnant through immaculate conception.”
I burst out laughing. “With everything that has happened to me, I wouldn’t be surprised if that were the case.”
“I’m serious,” he says, but cracks up when my giggles turn into snorts. He reaches back over and twines our fingers together. “You and me, princess. We’re forever.”
My laughter dies as suddenly as it began.
Things are becoming so confusing between the three of us: me, Jayson, and Fallon.
Lines are starting to blur. Old feelings are resurfacing, and new ones are taking shape.
Our relationships are not normal. I know this.
When we were kids and the boys and I would hug and kiss all over each other or hold hands in public, people thought it was cute.
Those awws of “look how adorable” quickly turned into scandalized scowls of disapproval and shocked whispers as we grew up and became teenagers.
What did Maria say to me that day in the school hallway about me and the boys after she broke up with Ryder?
That I was a selfish bitch who wanted everything without having to give up anything.
She was right. Jayson, Ryder, and I have played a game of emotional yo-yo for years.
It wasn’t until after my accident that New Elizabeth finally made a decision and chose Ryder.
And look at all the good that did. My memories came back and screwed me over and I’m right back to where I freaking started.
Except now, my relationship polygon has changed and there’s a broken side because Ryder decided to dump me.
He thinks he’s saving me from future heartbreak. Like I said before, he’s a stupid man.
“Hell’s balls, y’all. It’s freezing out here!” Julien complains while fumbling out the window to join us.
He clambers down a side branch and holds on to the trunk of the tree, nudging me with the toe of his sock.
Jayson helps me shuffle forward on my butt so Julien can sit behind me.
Once Julien gets settled, he wraps his arms around me and snuggles in.
“You’re like my own personal teddy bear heating blanket in your puffy coat. ”
I rest my head on his shoulder. He dips his chin so that our cheeks are pressed flushed together, my cold one to his warm one.
I ask, “What time is it?”
Julien lifts his wrist to check his fitness watch. “Past nine.” He pulls me back more securely to him. “It’ll be nice having you back in your room right across from us again when you move back in. I miss our nightly window good nights.”
“Me too,” I say wistfully. So many good memories and happy times. We only have about seven more months to enjoy it before college comes calling and everyone leaves.
“Hey, what’s that look for?” Jayson asks. He touches a finger to the crease of a frown on my mouth.
“Sorry. Just thinking.”
“About?” he pries when I don’t continue.
I decide to tell them. If I trust anyone to speak my truths to, it’s the two of them.
“About how this,” —I say, gesturing around us— “is going to end when college starts. No more late-night tree meet-ups or crawling through windows. No more slumber parties or serenades or movie nights. No more swing or tree fort. You guys will be leaving. All our friends will be leaving. I’ll be popping this gummy out.
I still can’t believe I’m going to be a mom,” I finish in wonder.
Because, gah! I’m going to be a mom. I’m going to be responsible for the well-being of another person.
And I’m terrified that I’m going to screw it all up.
Of course, Jayson would pick up on the subtleties of what I said. “What do you mean, you guys will be leaving? Liz, look at me.”
Oh boy.
“You’re coming with. That’s been our plan since we were ten. The three of us together, always. CU or bust. Right?”
I glance away to avoid his shining, metallic gaze. There’s enough moonlight and ambient light from the streetlamps to reflect off his irises and turn them into liquid silver. Like with Ryder’s, I have always been enthralled with the twins’ eye color.
“I can’t take a newborn baby to college,” I argue.
“Yes, you can,” both he and Julien say, and I’m surprised by the conviction I hear.
“You both can’t be serious. I won’t be able to juggle a full class schedule and take care of a baby.”
Are they out of their minds? Tuition doesn’t cover the cost of diapers and baby formula.
Of post-natal doctor visits and immunizations.
Of finding the money to pay for a babysitter so I can attend classes.
And what about all the sleepless nights I know are coming?
The exhaustion I know I’ll have to deal with.
The apartment I’ll have to find and pay for because the dorms don’t allow children.
I could go on and on with how going to CU right now is no longer an option for me anymore.
“Jesus, Liz. This was exactly what I was talking about earlier. You can’t give up on your dreams,” Jayson argues.
I hold up my hands in the universal gesture for stop. “Not giving it up, exactly. Just delaying.”
“How so?” Julien asks, his breath fanning across my face where our cheeks are still pressed together.
“Hear me out, okay.”
“Okay,” they both say.
Wow. Alright. Here we go. This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I’ve talked it over with Daniel and Mr. Montgomery. It’s a good plan. A responsible plan. And one I can live with. I just hope the boys feel the same way.
“I’ve been talking with Mr. Montgomery. You both know that I had planned to do a summer internship at MP. Well, that’s changed somewhat.”
Jayson cuts in. “Does Fallon know about this?”
I shake my head. “Not yet. I haven’t told him, and I know if his dad did, then Fallon would have said something to me by now.”
“What’s your plan?” Julien queries.
Taking a deep breath, I plow on. “Okay, so I’m not doing the internship.
” I hold up my hands again when I see Jayson about to say something.
“The reason I’m not doing it is because I’ll be working for MP instead, once the baby is old enough for daycare.
It’ll be an entry level position and I’ll be working on the drone project with Daniel.
Full benefits and health insurance. MP has an on-site daycare for employees.
And,” I emphasize, “I’ll be able to do online evening classes with the community college.
It’s a two-year plan at this point to give me time to figure things out.
If I still want to go off to college afterwards, I can do that and already have college credit that will transfer over.
” I finish and look at Jayson expectantly to see his reaction.
“That’s actually a really good plan,” he states, scratching the day’s-worth of stubble on his chin.
My mouth drops open. He’s agreeing with me? I pinch Julien’s jeans’-clad thigh.
“Ow! What was that for?”
“To see if I was dreaming because Jayson actually agreed with me.” I laugh when Julien tries to pinch me back.
When I glance back over to Jayson, I can tell he’s deep in thought about something, but I don’t get to ask what because Julien says, “Would you rather?”
I smile broadly. We used to play this game all the time growing up. “I’ve got one. Would you rather have backup singers repeat everything you say, or have to speak in the voice of Gilbert Godfrey for the rest of your life?”
“Backup singers,” they say in unison.
Julien goes next. “Would you rather have spaghetti as hair or licorice?”
“Spaghetti,” I answer, “because it wouldn’t get sticky. Just al dente sticky after a shower.”
“Same,” Jayson replies. “Okay. This one is for Liz.”
“Would you rather…go sailing on the Intercoastal Waterway for spring break, or spend a week on Hilton Head Island?”
“Who told you?”
Both of those items are on my YOLO list to do this year. I had made the list with the intension of doing those things with Ryder, but…well, that doesn’t seem likely anytime in the foreseeable future with him dumping me and all.
When Jayson gives me nothing but a dimpled grin, I want to badger Julien for a confession, but he preempts me with a “Nope.”
“You guys suck,” I complain, but I have a pretty good idea who I need to punish. Hailey better watch out, because she’s got a revenge prank heading her way. “And my answer would be sailing the IW.”