Chapter 33
Nervous would not describe the feelings I’m having at the moment. Petrified. Scared. Unsure. Still heartbroken. Determined. And most definitely, fidgety.
“You sure about this?” Jayson asks me.
“Yep.” I check the cards for the millionth time, making sure they are in order.
I’m wearing a tan A-line skirt dress that vees in the front.
My hair is on point. Hailey, bless her heart, woke up at four-thirty to help me straighten it this morning.
I have so much hair, it takes a while to accomplish that one particular task.
My makeup is simple, just a bold pop of color on my lips and a little mascara.
I lean over and take Jayson’s hand like a lifeline to help keep my thoughts and my feet planted firmly to the ground.
Part of me wants to run out of here. Hospitals and I are not friends.
Too many bad memories. And today of all days, having to sit patiently on a bench in the hospital entry foyer is akin to torture.
Jayson and Julien picked me up at six this morning so we could arrive at Duke well ahead of Ryder’s check-in time. Fallon will be arriving shortly.
“Are you absolutely sure you want to do this?” Julien asks from my other side.
“Yep.” I wipe my sweaty palms on the material of my dress. Deep breath in. Exhale out slowly.
Remember that hypothetical sledgehammer I talked about yesterday? I’m about to use it in the most Love Actually and Notting Hill way I can. My phone chirps and the short text from Brea is the signal I’ve been waiting for. They just parked, so will be heading our way soon. It’s showtime. Here we go.
I grab the stack of twenty-inch by thirty-inch white foam boards and stand up, walking to the middle of the reception area directly in front of the sliding doors that lead into the building from the north parking lot designated for patients and visitors.
I can see Faith, Randy, Jamie, Brea, and Ryder through the glass as they approach.
Deep breath in. Exhale out slowly.
The double entryway doors slide open with a whoosh and the Cuttons step inside. A stream of sunlight suddenly spears through the top windows and shines a spotlight directly on me. I close my eyes and smile. Mom and Dad. They’re here with me. Wish me luck, I tell them.
Ryder stops when he sees me and goes slack-jawed. God, he looks so good wearing his Randy’s Custom Auto hoodie and stressed jeans. He’s freshly shaven and his hair is a mess. I’ve missed him so much.
“Elizabeth, what are you doing here?”
Brea must have filled in Jamie and her parents because they quietly stand back. Randy curls an arm around Faith and brings her in to his side. Brea beams a huge smile at me and gives me a thumbs up.
I raise my shaking finger, telling Ryder to wait. I take out my phone and hit play and lay it on the floor. As soon as “Helium” begins, I hold the foam boards in my hands in front of my chest.
There’s this scene in Love Actually, one of my favorite movies, where one of the guys stands at the doorstep of the girl he’s been crushing on for years and declares his love to her silently through words and pictures written on the posters he made.
He flips each poster, one at a time, revealing his message, until he gets to the final ones that tell her she is perfect to him, and he will love her always.
I flip over a board to reveal the first one.
It’s one of my favorite pictures of me and Ryder.
We’re at the Fields, standing in front of his bike.
I think we were fifteen at the time. We’ve got our arms around each other’s waists.
My face is tipped up as I look at him, and he’s looking down at me.
We’re both laughing. The sun is behind us and hovers over our shoulders, illuminating us with an orange halo as it begins its descent to the horizon.
I grip the boards tighter, afraid that I’ll drop them. Hailey stayed up with me last night and helped me make these. We kind of went crazy with the glitter glue and markers.
My face is blank, but my eyes are pleading as I drop the first board to the floor to reveal the next one. This is where I channel my best Notting Hill.
I’m just a girl
Flip.
Standing in front of her guy
Flip.
Telling him
Flip.
To kick this cancer’s ass.
I stop briefly and meet Ryder’s eyes. His are a reflection of my own. Full of longing, regret, and tears.
Flip.
And by the way,
Flip.
You’re an idiot.
Flip.
Because no matter what you say,
Flip.
No matter what you do,
Flip.
We will always be best friends,
Flip.
And I will never stop loving you.
I pick up my phone from the floor, turning the music off, but leave the boards where they are now scattered at my feet.
Then I turn around and walk with my head held high and my dress swishing around my legs toward the back of the building where there is another exit to the south parking lot.
As soon as I step outside, I walk straight into the awaiting arms of the man who will always be there to catch me when I fall.
“I’ve got you, kitten,” Fallon promises as I finally give in to the wracking sobs that I can no longer hold back.