18. Nate
“Oh, Nate, I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever!” Alice, my therapist, calls out as shepulls me in for a hug. “How’ve you been, hon?”
Her arms slide down the sleeves of my dusky blue sweater, her wide smile beaming,before retracting her steps and collapsing down onto the brown leather armchair by the window.
“I know, I’m sorry I had to skip last week, but I’m… okay.” I manage, before stridingto the identical armchair opposite hers, the April sunlight casting through the room, dust particles erupting from the chair and sprinkling around us as I sit down.
“Nate,” she chuckles. “When have you ever told me you’re okay and I believed you?”Her eyes warn me as she plucks a pen from her mousy brown top knot.
“Never, but will today be the day you do?” I ask, tilting my head with a hopeful smile.
“Nice try.” She laughed without looking up at me, scribbling away on her notepad.“Spill it.”
This was the part when I regretted taking weeks off from coming here. There wasdouble the baggage to unload, twice more than usual. Thrice more, probably, thanks to a certain blonde-haired actor who had it out for me.
“Did you see who joined the cast for the movie I’m working on?” I asked, letting theleather of the chair engulf me as I leaned back.
Dipping her head slightly, she said, “As it goes, I did. And I’m assuming, from whatyou’ve told me about everything that happened between you, him, and Adaline, that things aren’t going great?”
My head shook. “It’s a shit show, Alice, if I’m being honest.”
She leant forward, her white blouse shining as she leans into the sunlight. “That’s all Iwant you to be while you’re in here, Nate, you know that.”
A breath pushes through my nose, a tight, quick smile tugging at the corners of mymouth as I shrug. “He’s here, around us, around her… and there’s nothing I can do about it except watch them. They talk and laugh like what they did was never that serious. Like… they’ve forgotten all about it.”
Alice gives me a knowing nod.
“Him, Asher, I don’t mind as much as I do Addy, and I think… I think that’s why I’mhaving a hard time even walking onto that set now. Every time I do, it’s only so long before I find her being blissfully ignorant of what she did, tucked away in the corner, laughing with him.”
I watched as she drew an invisible pattern on the arm of her chair with her pen. “Sometimes our thoughts have a funny way of magnifying that darkness, Nate. Our imagination can do all sorts of things when—”
“When we don’t have the answers to see past it, I know.” I nodded with my words.
The corner of her mouth peaked, her eyes full of intelligence. “When we refuse to seethings that we think are bad as anything other than that.”
The laugh that I barked lacked any humour, as I dropped my head. It was incredible,no matter how many times I sat here, how Alice could get wiser with every moment that passed.
Her hummed laugh echoed throughout the room before she asked, “Are you still having thedream?”
I nod without looking at her.
“And the panic that wakes you up? Does it still mean nothing?”
This time I met her stare, shaking my head as I squinted at how bright the sun hadgotten. “No.”
“Oh?” Her eyes were full of intrigue.
“Yeah. Ever since signing the contract for the shoot, it’s taking me back that morning,and then I’m spending the drive to set wondering why I thought signing it would be a good thing. Why I thought I could do this.”
Like always, Alice lets a few moments of silence pass between before offering upanything. Partly so she could jot down whatever I’d mentioned. Partly to give me space to add things. But I think she did it to make me confess something I hadn’t told her before, not that there was much left to—
“And do you still have it?”
The words echoed in my head, like they do every time that question leaves her mouth.
I don’t need to answer her, though. The way I’m avoiding eye contact is answerenough for her that the Polaroid is still imprisoned in my office.
Without even looking, I felt her presence deflate, sympathy coating the sigh that lefther as she asked, “Why, Nate? Why do you still keep it? ”
I reluctantly drag my eyes up, the room not as bright as it was a moment ago. Myhands clasp together, resting on my lap in a way that I’m hoping Alice can’t tell is to stop my legs from shaking. “I keep it…”
I lose my words. My go-to answer feels foreign on my tongue.
I keep it to remind myself to never fall in love with her again.
I say the line in my head. Over and over again.
“I keep it… because…“
The words get lodged again, making me wonder if lying to myself, to Alice, aboutwhy I keep it won’t do anymore. I wondered if lies could expire. I wondered if they could stop working when it was finally time for the truth to come out.
My eyes fall to the floor, deep breaths flowing in and out of me in the way I’dpracticed as a kid. I gnawed on the inside of my lip, a slight copper taste invading my mouth as I tried to come up with another excuse. Anything to avoid what I’d avoided saying for years…
But what good was that doing?
After a moment or two, I finally uncurled my spine and settled back into the leather,one final breath leaving me as I locked eyes with Alice.
“I keep it because I”m still in love with her.”
Alice didn’t miss a beat before she asked, “And keeping the picture of her kissing theguy she said she hated reminds you of that?”
I shook my head. “It reminds me that I’m pretty sure there’s not a thing on this earththat Adaline Moore could do to make me stop loving her. She could kiss Asher, or anyone, right in front of me, and not an ounce of the love I have for her will fade.”
Alice’s attention drew to the outside world, like she was weighing up the endlessquestions she could ask me to burrow further into my mind, before knocking her head to the side and shrugging. “So… why stay away from her, Nate? Why don’t you just talk to her, tell her that you know about what happened and why you ignored her for years—”
“Because she doesn’t love me anymore.”
Her eyes narrowed. “She told you that?”
I shrugged back at her. “No, but the picture—”
“Then you’ve got your answer there, Nate.” She dropped her notepad and pen on oneof the armrests, her hands clasping and falling into her lap.
“This whole preconception that she’s never truly loved you, and still hates you, is just that… it’s guessed. Because you haven’t both sat down and talked about what happened during that time of your lives, meaning that both of you have been wandering around each other with millions of unanswered questions in your heads.
“Having no answers to those questions makes you guess, and that, Nate, is what’skilling whatever you two had. Assumption will be the death of you if you don’t pull her aside and finally tell her how you feel.”
Like the weight of her words was so intense, I felt my head drop, my hands grippingmy head.
“But I think what’s more frustrating about this, is that you know that.” Alicecontinued, my head resting on my hands as I met her gaze. “I can’t begin to imagine how many times I’ve told you to talk to her, Nate, probably in the hundreds by now.”
For the first time since I’ve sat in this exact spot, over the countless years I’ve beenhere… I felt my heart rate spike. The way it does when I know an attack is coming on.
This has never happened in here before, so why was it happening now?
I wade through the panic that descends on me, searching for the reason, like I didwhen the same feeling woke me up in the mornings. But there was nothing. No reason. Just darkness. Pure, infinite darkness.
Breathe in.
Hold it.
Think about something good.
Breathe out.
As I recalled the way Addy”s cheeks popped whenever she let me see that smile, the wayshe looked that night of the wrap party last year, the way her hair glowed when she was caught in direct sunlight, I felt myself ease back into the chair beneath me.
Maybe this was my body finally catching up on the years I’d been avoiding this.
I feel my head shake, the sting of tears stabbing at my lash line. “I don’t think I can…”I managed, my eyes springing to Alice, sympathy masking her features.
“That’s probably how she felt, you know, last year at this party you told me about.”
A million stills from that night ran across my mind. When all I saw was the silhouetteof us screaming at each other… it felt like the sun faded from the room, eclipsing any progress I’d made on my anxiety.
Breathe in.
Hold.
Think of Addy.
Out.
I shuffled in my seat, waves of dread washing over me and pushing my head down,drowning me. “I don’t want to talk about that night, Alice.”
“I know you don’t, hon, I know it was bad.”
Understatement: It was hell.
“I don’t know why I fucking try, Nate.”
“I’m glad you never showed up.”
“Maybe I never did love you.”
“Maybe you need to try this time.” My head sprang up. “Maybe, instead of havingthat conversation after slightly too strong cocktails, as you called them,” Flo. “Have it somewhere safe, where you both feel comfortable. Somewhere familiar… if you have a place like that.”
My ears caught on to the words she wasn’t speaking. I’d been through my whole lifestory a million times with this woman, she knew every detail and could recite it backwards if she so wished. I knew from the look in her eye that she and I were both thinking of the same place.
Sunfall.
“We’re due to leave New York in a few weeks, for L.A.” My eyes widened, a badchoice considering the sun was now directly shining on me.
“Sounds like a good time to stop by your hometown and have a wander… see whatold hideouts you stumble across.”
A genuine smile stretches across my face. “I don’t pay you enough.”
A stream of laughs starts to trickle out of Alice. “Nate, honey, I’m starting to thinkthat I owe you a rebate on the amount you spend here. You know, buy a thousand sessions, get the next thousand for free sorta thing?”
Both of our heads fell forward as we laughed. “You know, Alice, as much as I adore you,I’m hoping I won’t need to see you another thousand times.”
“Me too, honey.”
“Nate, Sebastian needs you in five for the fight scene with Asher.”
How fitting.
I turn around in my egg chair to face the assistant who ducked their head in mydressing room.“Okay, thanks,” I murmur, dishing them a smile before they snuck away, gentlyclosing the door and leaving me alone again.
I get up with a groan and waltz over to the dressing table, ignoring how almost all ofthe lights around the mirror were out, and instead taking in how, for the first time in a while, no dark circles existed under my eyes.
Probably the work of having a week of decent sleep, after I met with Alice.
Her telling me to talk to Addy about our complicated history wasn’t a new suggestionfrom our meetings; after the first few sessions were over and I’d gotten comfortable with telling someone else who wasn’t Addy about everything that was swimming around my head, she asked if I’d spoken to Addy about what I’d found. I told her I hadn’t. She asked me why not. And that’s been our routine for the years I’ve been seeing her.
And I hate it. I’ve always hated it.
I hate how comfortable I am with nothing changing. I hate walking in there and tellingher I’m not ready to let go of what happened. I hate sitting on that armchair, the one that remembers my shape from the number of times I’ve sat in it, telling Alice that I’m too weak to even think about patching things up with Addy.
But now… things were different.
Perhaps it was because we were getting closer, in ways we hadn’t been for years.Perhaps having her close again was unearthing all the feelings I’d done so well to keep at bay, and only now were they becoming too much to ignore. Perhaps it was because I was sick of tossing and turning, having that nightmare haunt me for too long that I was ready for it all to stop.
The only problem was I had no idea what to tackle first. How to unpack years ofbuilt-up tension and neatly sort it out until things started to feel clearer.
Here wasn’t the place to do it. We’d tried that before, last year, and look where thatgot us.
No… Sunfall was where we needed to be. And however ironic that sounded… I knewit was right.All I had to do was keep things civil for the next few weeks until we left for L.A.
Until we were home.
The idea of stepping foot on that pier made the swarms of nerves soar around mystomach.
Having time until then was good, I’d realised. I needed time to plan what I was goingto say to her when that day came. And for now, we’d exist in whatever civil charade we’d mastered. At least that’s one thing we knew how to do well around each other.
I pushed away from the dressing table, spinning to face the door and pulling it openwith whatever enthusiasm I could muster up.
It took all of three seconds of me leaving the sanctuary of my dressing room for me tospot Addy, her eyes finding me, narrowing at me, before turning away and heading in the other direction.
Like she’s been doing all week.
I made a mental note to call my publicist later on, to see if there was any update ongetting the articles about my and Amber’s little outing, what progress had been made on their end to have it taken offline and away from the gossip mongers and snappy magazines for good.
I knew she’d seen it. She’d been avoiding me, more than usual. When we had scenestogether, she’d barely look at me. Amber had suffered the quiet rath of Addy, too, only spending time with her that she contractually had to.
But who was I kidding? The whole world saw those pictures and had all come to onesingle conclusion: me and Amber were together.
It was ridiculous. I was so annoyed by the questions, and the looks, and theassumptions that, by the end of the day, I was scarily close to releasing a statement denying the whole thing.
I’d been photographed with Jacob on our days out with Bagel more times than I couldcount, why weren’t people speculating about our relationship? I got spotted with Florence just a few weeks ago, as she waved me off from her and Jacob’s place after my birthday disaster, why weren’t people assuming that she and I were secretly together?
But to be honest, I didn’t care if that’s what Addy thought was going on, becauseshe—
“Do you mind being quiet for a second, Nate? I’m trying to remember my lines.”Asher barked as he brushed up beside me, as we overlooked the set.
“I wasn’t saying anything.” I gritted out.
“You didn’t have to.”
I turned my head towards him slightly, studying him whilst his eyes were elsewhere.“Has anyone ever told you that those eyes belong in a horror movie?”
His brows drew in. “What?”
“Nothing.”
My head shifted back towards the set, trailing his line of sight and landing on thefigure in green that caught his attention.
Green was her colour. You couldn’t deny it. Almost like the colour was born with herin mind.
Even with a face that could rival a thunderstorm, it suited her.
As I was saying, if she wanted to act so childish about something that wasn’t true,then so would I. Although, I still wasn’t sure if the pictures I’d seen of Asher and Addy outside her apartment last week were anything more than a photo captured at the wrong time.
Saying that, his suit and her dress certainly painted the picture we all thought wecould see.
“Ready for this fight then, brother?” Asher quipped from beside me, his shoulderbrushing mine.
“Oh, I think it’s well overdue, don’t you?” I did nothing to hide the knowing smirkcurling up my face.
“I suppose for you it is,” he started, before stepping in front of me. “I have a feelingyou want to punch me just for how I spoke about Addy that night I met you two.”
Static. That was all I saw. As though the cogs in my brain had stopped churning for asecond, the earth seemed to stand still.
“You…” I choked on the word. “You’ve known it was—”
“That it was you she introduced me to? Yes, I’ve always known.” A laugh escapedhim, and I didn’t know whether to punch him or hear him out. I thought it best to save the punches for the camera.
Hyper-realism and all that.
“So, you’ve known it was me you told to leave that night, at the restaurant, andyou’ve never said anything?”
A hand scraped across his light stubble. “I nearly did, the first time I realised that I’dseen you somewhere before. But then I remembered that you got Addy in the end, and I was stupid, and jealous. So I just kept it up.” he breathed, like what he’d confessed was barely worth a mention.
Deep, simmering rage started to bubble, the kind that I remember feeling the night Imet him.
“I barely had her in the end, you mean.” I looked him up and down, my hands slidinginto the pockets of my jeans, thankful that I had an extra inch of height compared to him, one I took advantage of on the few moments that I felt like dominating a conversation. “But I suppose you know that part of the story.”
His face was the definition of confusion, but before he had time to defend himself orclaim he had no idea what I was talking about, I stepped around him.
I only got a few paces away before he called after me.“Do I, Nate?” I swivelled around. “According to Addy, she doesn’t think it was myfault, what happened between you guys.”
My face went still. Had she told him?—
“Instead of interrogating me about what you think happened, if anything did, maybetalk to the girl who has no clue what caused your little disappearing act. She deserves the truth.” His head dropped, before locking our eyes again. “I’d be quick if I were you, there’s only so long I, or someone else, can wait for another date with her.”
Before I could question him about what that meant, he sauntered off into the hecklesand bear hug from Sebastian.
His words only brought more questions than I’d started the day off with. He’d knownI was Addy’s best friend all this time, the scrawny teenager he’d told to leave so he could have her to himself. He’d known, and not told me because…
I recalled his words.
“Then I remembered that you got Addy in the end.”
That couldn’t have been right, considering he and Addy kissed, months after thatnight we met. He got her, in the end, which should have solved the mystery for them. That was the reason I cut her off, and never came back that day.
Was this all one big mind game for me to admit I was wrong for leaving her, eventhough she was the one who gave up on us first?
Was that what this was?
Jesus, I really needed to talk to her. I don’t know how much longer I could take theguessing and the questions and the—
My heart went first.Then my jaw started to tick.The rise and fall of my chest moved faster.My eyes clamped shut.
Breathe in.
Hold it.
Think about Addy.
Breathe out.
I’m surprised my exhale didn’t cause a draft, a wave of cold air that had the entirecrew shivering.After a few more of those, keeping the laboured breaths as subtle as I could, I rockedback and forth on my heels, waiting until my heart had fallen back into a pace I was comfortable with.
But when I went to lift my head and walk further onto set, I caught her eyes, fierygems that froze me still.
Naturally, the narrowing of hers shortly followed, but I didn’t take mine off her. I heldthat stare, long enough that I slowly felt my heart rate stop altogether.Her eyes went from slits to globes the longer we stood like this, in a staringcompetition from opposite ends of the set. A thousand unspoken words floating between us.
An invisible string of a conversation.
Why did you never come back?She asked with her stare.
Because you kissed the man I’m about to pretend to beat up.I glanced back. Please,just tell me why.
Then, like reality slapped her, her cheeks were painted red, her eyes fluttering shut asshe shook herself, before tearing off in the direction of the bathrooms.
Her crimson cheeks blurring green.
Before my feet followed after her, the text tone of my phone rang around me. I wouldhave thrown it across the room and headed for Addy, had it not been a text from Jacob.
Jacob3
Today: 13:34 PM
Are you still coming to the premiere on Friday?
Do I have to?
No, of course you don’t. If you’d rather stay athome and wallow about something then you areentitled to do that.
I’ll just check on you the next morning to makesure you haven’t suffocated under the mountainof blankets you spend the night under.
You’re an ass.
I love you too 3
I’ll see you there.
Can’t wait to see the montage ofdates put to a 2000’s song 3
Ass.
I’ll remember this when you do you’re first romcom.
leave me alone.
3
.