Chapter 22
Chapter Twenty-Two
LIVIANNA/LILY
Now
Less Than A Month Before The Wedding
Forgotten Lyrics & Open Windows
The first wrong turn never feels like one.
Quinn sits down on my living room couch. “Where’s Cash?”
“Mayhem is playing a show at a small festival.” I grab my wineglass and sit across from her in one of our lounge chairs in the living room. “I wanted to go, but I have a million things to do before the wedding.”
“I can’t believe it’s coming up. Time has flown.” She takes a sip of her wine. “You have less than a month before it’s here.”
“I know.” The words alone can’t hold what’s crowding the butterflies in my chest right now. “I keep thinking I’m going to wake up and find out I imagined all of it.”
Quinn tucks her feet beneath her on the cushion. “You’re not dreaming, Livianna. This is actually your life.”
I let out a quiet laugh, mostly at myself and at the sheer absurdity of being this happy and still not quite believing it. “I just can’t explain it sometimes. A life with Callum is all I’ve ever wanted.”
“Well, you have it now.” Quinn raises her glass in a small toast across the coffee table. “And for the record, that man is absolutely crazy about you.”
I pretend to clink my glass with hers, and then set it down. “And I am for him.”
“I’m curious.” Quinn tilts her head. “Would you change anything?”
“Not really change it, but I’d love to hear all the music Mayhem created during the time I can’t remember.” My gaze drifts to the speaker my phone is linked to. “He doesn’t want me to listen to any of it unless he’s there with me to explain.”
Quinn’s brows lift. “Mayhem’s songs? He actually won’t let you listen?”
“Not the old stuff that they made while we were apart.” I set my glass on the side table. “He has this thing about context.”
“Okay, but…” Quinn leans forward. “What does he think is going to happen?”
“I ask myself that question daily. He knows I wouldn’t leave him.
” I pull my knees toward my chest and rest my chin on them, arriving at the same dead end I always do.
“If the songs are about me, how alarming can they possibly be? Unless they are genuinely, deeply about me, in which case I am considerably more curious.”
Quinn sets her drink on the coffee table. “Do you have them downloaded anywhere?”
I tense, believing she’s suggesting I play the albums anyway. “I do.”
She gestures at her phone on the cushion beside her. “And Mayhem’s catalog is fully streaming.”
“Quinn.” I give her a warning glare. “Don’t get me into trouble.”
She retrieves her phone and unlocks it. “Which one have you been most curious about?”
“Probably ‘Stripped.’” My heart rate accelerates. “That song put them on the map, and I can’t remember it.”
She connects to my speaker before the words have fully cleared the air between us, and the opening bars fill the living room. I straighten in the chair before the first full note even lands.
Quinn sinks back into the cushions. “Let’s dissect the words.”
“This is wrong.” I get ready to tell her to stop, but then Callum’s angsty, raw voice fills the space between us.
I close my eyes and allow the lyrics to seep into my soul.
“Stripped”
It started out white and innocent
And grew to be fire, red-hot and passionate
Nothing less than magnificent
Something beyond our dreams
Pure
Forever, if it weren’t for the fiends
They stripped us by all means
Pointing at confusing memories
Things beyond our repair
I’m left stripped bare
Pure, now haunted
You, always wanted
Dire fights and court orders
Wild nights with sordid monsters
Crossing all borders, following white lines
Leaving everything of mine distorted
Stripped
No longer pure
Fuck it, I’m not pure
My love for you, no longer pure
My heart and soul
Maybe never pure
Hunted by their rusted swords
I trusted them by mistake
My world, nothing but a breathtaking ache
Longing for our love, they’ll always take
Pure
Forever if it weren’t for the fiends
They stopped us by all means
Pointing at confusing memories
Things beyond repair
I’m left stripped bare
Pure, now haunted
You, always wanted
Our love, written in stone
Before we were even born
It will live forever long
I’ve sworn that our love is strong
Stripped
No longer pure
Fuck it, I’m not pure
My love for you, no longer pure
My heart and soul
Maybe never pure
You used to be my vixen
Now only venom burns through my veins
Did I ruin you, or did you ruin me?
I guess the question will remain
Pure
Forever if it weren’t for the fiends
They stopped us by all means
Pointing at confusing memories
Things beyond repair
I’m left stripped bare.
Pure, now haunted
You, always wanted
Me…now stripped bare, always haunted.
The song ends, and I gaze over at Quinn. She rolls her lips between her teeth.
“Quinn, turn it off.” I place my palm over my mouth. “Fuck. What does that mean?”
Quinn uncurls her legs from beneath her and sits forward. “It’s a love song, Livianna. A broken one.”
“That much I understand.” I press my fingers to my temples, trying to separate its threads. “But which part specifically? He talks about following white lines. That’s cocaine. That’s him at his worst.”
“White line could also represent him on the road while touring.”
“It could be, but I don’t know.” I hug my knees tighter. “Dire fights and court orders, wild nights with sordid monsters. What do you think that’s about? Chicks? His old label? What?”
Quinn reaches for her wineglass. “But did you hear the line before all of that? They stripped us by all means. That’s not about drugs. That’s about someone doing the stripping. An external force.”
The word fiends resurfaces. Forever, if it weren’t for the fiends. Not a thing. A them.
I already know exactly who Callum was singing about. Leon Baker settles at the back of my throat like a name I refuse to speak aloud in this room.
Callum told me about the blackmail. I know what Leon held over him for years.
Every instinct I have is pulling that knowledge forward right now, lining it up against those lyrics and finding a fit so precise it makes my sternum ache. Hunted by their rusted swords. I trusted them by mistake.
But I don’t say it. There are things you learn when you love someone the way I love Callum. You learn which doors stay closed around company. Leon Baker stays locked away.
“I think it’s both drugs and people who were pushing him to do certain things.” I redirect my focus to the middle distance, the space between Quinn and the speaker that has gone quiet. “The drugs and whatever was driving Callum at that time.”
She sets her glass down. “The line, ‘Did I ruin you or did you ruin me?’ is rough.”
“I know.” The pain spreads wide across my rib cage, and I let it because trying to contain it right now would be pointless. “He must have been carrying that question for years.”
Quinn’s quiet for a beat, and it’s the kind of silence of someone choosing their next words with proper care. “Do you think he still blames himself?”
“For parts of it, yes.” I reach for my drink and uncurl from the chair. “But he doesn’t live there anymore. And that is the only part that matters to me now.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. And what we’re doing is exactly why Callum wants to be with me when I listen to his music. Instead of guessing, I can just ask him and he’ll explain.” I take a long sip of wine. “Let’s stop this because I’m getting a rock forming in my stomach.”
“Understood.” She stands and moseys to the kitchen. “This charcuterie board is beyond anything I could’ve made.”
I join her in the kitchen. “While Callum’s away, the girls will play.”
“I wish you could remember the night we met. We were in rare form, but it bonded us for life.” Quinn dips a pita chip into some homemade roasted pepper hummus I made.
I wander to the other side of the island so we’re facing each other. A searing, burning sensation zaps me.
I hold my head and brace myself. This has happened a few times now, so I know what it means. Once the pain retreats, I’ll have another memory.
“Livianna, are you okay?”
I lift my forefinger to show her I need a minute and groan out in misery. I squeeze my eyes shut, and when I open them, Andrew’s wedding settles in my mind.
“Quinn, I remember meeting you by a bar in the garden area. We got loaded, but I can’t remember why.”
“Holy crap, Livianna. That’s awesome.” Her eyes shine with genuine happiness. “Do you remember when Jaxon’s date approached us, being all bitchy? That’s why we got trashed.”
“I do!” I allow the vision to come in clearer, but nothing surfaces. “Oh my god, Quinn, Jaxon’s been dating her since I was seventeen.”
“Really?” She picks at some crackers and cheese. “That was the first time I ever saw him with a woman. And the last.”
“Well, I met her at my parents’ house. She was Jaxon’s date that night. I wonder if he’s still with her.”
“Who knows? Jaxon never tells anyone about his life.” She pops a blackberry into her mouth.
I make a little snack plate full of all the goodies in front of me. “Come to think of it, that doesn’t work.”
“Why?”
“Because he lost his wife and child in an accident, so Cindy can’t still be in his life.”
Quinn swallows and stares at me with her big brown eyes. “What are you talking about?”
I pull back, surprised that she doesn’t know about that. “Jaxon told me he lost them in a car accident.”
“Jaxon has never been married.” She studies my face. “When did he tell you that?”
“We were at lunch one day. I asked if he had someone special in his life, and that’s what he said.” I stride to the living room and pick up both of our wineglasses. “But now that I think about it, he never said she was his wife.”
“I’m going to talk to Natalie because I don’t think Jaxon…” Quinn settles onto a stool, her face crumpling into deep confusion. “Jaxon wouldn’t lie about something like that.”
“Why are you questioning it?” I pour us more wine and pass it to her.
“It’s just that I’m around him a lot. We’ve worked late together many times, and I’ve never suspected he’s been in a relationship.”
An unease without a pinpoint arises inside me. I set it down and leave it there because I’m not going to look for trouble.
“Can we set that aside for now?” I take a drink, then set my glass down. “Can we talk about the wedding instead? Because that’s a significantly better use of our time.”
Quinn’s face opens into a grin that tells me she has been waiting for this pivot all evening. “Please. Yes. Tell me everything.”
“Well, would you be my maid of honor?”
“Oh my god, yes!” Quinn jumps up from her stool and rushes to me. She takes me into an enormous hug. “I was wondering if you were going to have one.”
“It’s a small ceremony, so I wasn’t sure, but I want you up there with me.” I step out of our hug. “There’s only one rule.”
“What would that be?” She returns to her seat.
“You pick the dress you want to wear, but it has to be black.” I pick up my snack plate and find myself a stool next to her.
She twists my way. “Why black?”
My stomach spins and a smile forms. “Because the flowers are going to be white and black calla lilies.”
“Awe…” She places her palm over her heart. “Just like the tattoo on your chest.”
“Yep. They have a special meaning for Callum and me.” Warmth fills my heart.
“This is going to be the most beautiful evening of your lives.”
“I know it is.” I reach for my wine. “But the timing is what I keep turning over.”
Quinn makes a tiny cracker sandwich with the items on the board. “What do you mean?”
“Mayhem starts touring right after we get back from the honeymoon. Callum will be on the road almost immediately. North America first, then Europe. There are at least three months of dates.”
Quinn peeks over at me. “And you can’t go right away?”
“The fall fashion shows start at the same time.” I trace the rim of my snack plate. “New York, London, Milan, and Paris. Lehlani Rose Designs needs a real presence at one of them, and I can’t send Ella to carry the collection alone. Not this season. Not after all I’ve lost.”
“That’s the full Fashion Week circuit. That’s not a commitment you step away from. Even I know that.”
“No, it’s not.” I reach for a cracker and set it back down, the restlessness too present. “This collection is strong. If I miss all the shows, I miss the moment. That’s the reality of what I’ve built.”
Quinn wraps both hands around her wineglass. “How long will you two be apart?”
“A few weeks, at a minimum.” The number is small, and what it produces in my heart is not. “It’s the first time we’ll have been separated since we got back together.”
Quinn’s quiet for a beat. “Does he know?”
“We talked about it the other night. He told me to come for as much of the tour as I can. He understands what the brand needs to do.”
“Yeah, that sounds like him.”
I pause. “He doesn’t love it.”
“Of course he doesn’t.” Quinn dips her chin toward me. “You’ll be his wife, and I’m sure that means he wants you with him.”
I let out a short laugh. “Newly married and then we go to our respective corners of the world like two very devoted professionals.”
“You’ll figure it out. You always land on your feet, Livianna.”
“We always do.” The correction comes without thought, and I mean every word. “I just wish there were a way he would be able to be with me.”
“Oh, that’s what you’re worried about.”
I furrow my brow. “What?”
“You don’t remember being at those shows before, and you don’t want to do it alone.”
“Exactly.” I pick up my plate and take it to the sink. “Ella will be with me, but she needs to be networking. I won’t have her by my side, and it’s freaking me the fuck out.”
“Livianna, you’re doing great. Don’t worry. Everything will work out just as fate wants it to.”
“You sound like Jaxon now.” I turn back toward her across the island.
“He’s ingrained his belief about fate and destiny into every one of his employees.” She giggles, and then her eyes grow big. “You should talk to Jaxon about the Fashion Week schedule.”
“Why?”
“Because he’s going to the Paris show.”
“He is?” I step to the island, leaning against it. “How do you know that?”
“He goes every year.”
“Paris. Maybe that’s the show I’ll go to.” I bite down on my lip. “Do you think he would help me out while I’m there?”