Zach Chapter
Zach
Adam convinced me to come back to his house after I cried like a damn baby in his arms. I don’t have any fight left in me and the girls are at my grandma’s, so I gave in. But we don’t say anything on the ride to his place.
We greet his parents politely but go upstairs to his room and he closes the door behind him. Locking it. Probably in case I burst into tears again and don’t embarrass myself when his mom inevitably tries to find out what’s going on.
I wanted to keep it together. Pretend like everything was fine. But as soon as I saw Chloe—when I saw has angry she still is with me—I just couldn’t take it anymore.
He pulls his hoodie and shoes off but leaves everything else off and lies down on the bed. I follow and remove my hoodie and shoes, lying next to him and hoping he won’t say a word.
Because if he asks me anything, I’m going to answer.
And that’s dangerous.
I think I’m going to get by without having to talk anymore when it’s quiet for so long my eyes start to drift closed, but then his deep timbre fills the space around us. “Talk to me.”
“Please just drop it.” I try.
I turn to look at him and see his eyes are firmly on me, watching and waiting for me to talk to him.
I sigh and settle back against the wooden headboard. He sits up too, his eyes never leaving mine. “I didn’t force her. Of course I didn’t. I would never do that. And I didn’t coerce her either. You’re right. But I’m not a good guy, Adam. I messed up. Badly.”
“How?” It’s a simple question and I can hear the pain dripping from that one word.
I know he doesn’t understand why I haven’t told him about this. Of course he doesn’t. And God I’m so tired of keeping everything inside. I want to tell him, but I’m terrified of what will happen after he knows everything.
“It was bad, Adam.” My throat feels clogged, the words not coming.
“What was?” He looks into my eyes, not malice or anger in them. He seems scared though and that’s just not a look I’m used to from him. “Just tell me. Please. I’m sure that anything you have to tell me isn’t as bad as you’re thinking. You’re my best friend in the world, you can tell me anything.”
I hang onto every single word like a lifeline. Hoping it’s true. “Sex.” I finally say and his expression doesn’t change. Not at all. He’s waiting for me to say more. “The sex with Chloe…it was bad. So damn bad.”
His face finally morphs, but it’s into confusion as he shifts awkwardly on the bed because this is so damn awkward.
We don’t really talk about sex. We haven’t ever.
The other guys on the team and at school in general can’t seem to shut up about it, but we don’t say anything, not in public and not in private.
“Um…” I can tell he’s searching for something to say. “Okay… you were new to it. I’m sure it takes a little bit to um…”
I scoff at that, not trying to be mean to him or anything.
I know he’s trying to make me feel better.
I have no idea what his first time was like, but knowing Adam he was really, really good at it.
Because he’s so damn good at everything.
“No.” I say firmly. Clearly surprising him with my tone. “It was bad. I…”
“Just talk to me.” He says, just as firmly. “I don’t give a damn what happened, but I can’t take you holding onto this on your own.”
I feel tears threatening again. I have to look away. “I couldn’t get hard.”
“What?” His question is spoken quietly, but I can hear the confusion plain as day. Because of course he’s confused. I was too. I was also humiliated as she tried everything she could to get my dick hard and the fucker wouldn’t respond at all. Shame washes over me as my cheeks heat.
“She wanted to have sex. I tried like hell to put it off. To tell her we should wait, but she started to get really annoyed. Really…” I sigh deeply still unable to look at my best friend as I relive some of the most embarrassing moments of my life.
Moments I never told him about. Because the shame and fear were way too much.
“She was upset. Thought there was something wrong with her.” A tear falls down my cheek and I wipe it away angrily.
“I knew she was close to breaking up with me.”
“So you had sex with her.” There’s no judgement in his tone and how that’s possible I’m just not sure.
“I tried.” I say, wiping at another tear. “But I couldn’t get hard. I don’t know what the hell was wrong with me. What teenage guy doesn’t want to have sex? She was naked, willing and ready, but…”
“Hey.” Adam’s voice is so confident and sure as his hand lands on my shoulder that I turn to look at him. My eyes wet with tears and humiliation coursing through my veins. But his gaze is steady and familiar, calming. “You weren’t ready for it. There’s nothing wrong with that. We’re young.”
I shake my head at that and sniff because that’s not it.
And I think he knows it too. “I’m horny all the fucking time.
I wake up hard all the goddamn time. I get hard just sitting in class sometimes and a stray thought pops into my head.
My dick works. I want to use it.” I say firmly, anger taking over the humiliation, but not at Adam.
Anger at my fucking body for not cooperating.
I just needed it to cooperate with me, damn it.
“O-kay.” He says softly, removing his hand from my shoulder and I flinch at the loss.
He thinks I’m a freak. “Don’t.” I look back at him realizing I looked away again.
“Don’t look away from me. Don’t go back into hiding.
Having sex is a lot of pressure. It was both of your first time.
It makes sense. You didn’t do anything wrong. ”
I want to laugh. Or cry some more because yes, I did.
“What happened after you…”
“Couldn’t get it up?” I supply and he nods.
My shoulders sag as I huff loudly and shake my head, but I don’t look away from him.
I might as well just finish it. “She was upset. She said it was fine, but she wasn’t fine.
I wasn’t fine. We were both confused and embarrassed and I knew she was going to break up with me. Who the hell wouldn’t?”
“Who the hell breaks up with someone over something like that?” He growls and I hate that my body responds to that. Because of fucking course it does. My dick has no probably rising to the occasion around Adam.
If he knew that part there is no way he would be as nice to me as he’s being. “I begged her for another try.”
“What?” I swear he goes pale.
But I push forward. We’re in it now. “I got drunk off my ass at a party and begged her for another shot. Promised her it would go better. She agreed.”
He shakes his head slowly, the move almost unperceivable. “Zach….”
“I got hard and managed to take both of our virginities that time. But it wasn’t good. It was awful. I had my eyes closed the whole time just waiting for it to be over.”
“Zach.” He sounds pained when he says my name.
“I didn’t even come. I’m sure she didn’t either. It was awful. I tossed the condom and we both just set there in silence.”
“What happened after that?” He sounds almost as numb as I do. I’m sure he’s disgusted with me now. I know I am.
“I couldn’t do that again. Not ever again. I knew she deserved better than a guy who has to get drunk out of his mind, close his eyes and think about something else to have sex with her so I broke it off.”
“There? Right after…”
I nod and look into his eyes, ready to take in any of the words he wants to say to me.
If he wants to yell and call me a piece of shit, I’ll try to take it.
I’ll let him say whatever he wants to me as long as he can forgive me.
“Yeah. I broke up with Chloe right after I took her virginity in the most pathetically sad way. I hurt her. I made her think something was wrong with her because I couldn’t tell her or anyone else the truth. ”
“Which is?”
He sounds calm, his eyes imploring me to stay here and talk with him. I don’t deserve the chance to talk it out, but I can’t seem to keep my mouth shut either. “I’m not attracted to women.”
He nods his head slowly at that as if he’s taking it in. As if what I just said didn’t rock his entire world. That it didn’t shake mine completely because I’ve never said that out loud.
I barely let myself think about it.
“Adam,” I look into his eyes, “I’m gay.”
He doesn’t look as shocked as I expect. It’s more like he’s processing it and I just sit there and wait for him to let me have it. Yes, his brother is bisexual, but this is me. His best friend.
The person he’s shared a bed with and more showers than I can count. I didn’t look. I swear. I wouldn’t let myself. I wouldn’t betray him like that but he doesn’t know that. “Okay.”
I startle. “Okay?”
He nods, but he looks hurt. “Did you really think I wouldn’t be okay with that?”
“I mean…”
“How can you think so little of me?”
I hate that I hurt him. “I had sex with her knowing that.”
“Did you?” He says with no judgement.
“What do you mean?”
“Did you know you were gay? Before you had sex. Were you sure?”
I think about it for a moment, chewing on my bottom lip with nerves and then sigh, “I don’t know. I didn’t want to be.” Shame floods through me again. I’m a mess. A total goddamn mess and why he hasn’t kicked me out or yelled at me is beyond me.
“You didn’t mean to hurt her. You were scared because being gay in Kensley isn’t easy. Being gay with your stepdad, really isn’t easy.”
I wince and I know that he knows he hit the nail on the head with that one. “No one can find out.”
His lips purse and I can feel his anger, but it’s not directed at me like I thought. “You didn’t mean to hurt her. You need to forgive yourself.”
“It’s not that easy. I used her.” God did I use her. I was so damn afraid when we broke up that people would find out. Thought about dating another girl right after I’m ashamed to say because I was that desperate to hide what had suddenly become my reality.
I was pretty damn certain after that, that I was gay. Even if I couldn’t say it or even think about it, there was no denying it for me after that.
“I’m so damn sorry.” I say finally and Adam’s big arms wrap around me in a tight hug I lean into.
He should push me away. He should hate me.
But he doesn’t do that.
No. My best friend just hangs onto me and lets me give him all of my pain in that moment because that’s just who he is.
And selfishly, even though I know I don’t deserve it, I let myself take it.