Adam Chapter
Adam
Zach is gay. And I had no idea. None.
I don’t really think about sexuality much. Not even after my brother came out, but he had a girlfriend. I thought he was straight, but to think that it was just a desperate ploy to make people think he’s straight—to hide his true self—and he didn’t think he could tell me…
God that kills me.
I feel like I failed him in every single way.
He fell asleep resting his head on my shoulder a little bit ago, but I’m too wired to sleep. I don’t give a fuck if he’s gay or bisexual or anything else. He’s my best friend. That’s all that matters.
But I don’t understand why he didn’t tell me about this. Except, maybe I sort of do. It’s not like I’m totally innocent. He doesn’t know every single thing about me. Most things, yes, but I’ve been keeping a secret too.
But not because I don’t trust him.
I rub at the spot on my chest over my heart because goddamn that hurts. Zach didn’t trust me.
“Hey.” His voice is soft and his body feels warm pressed up against my side. I look at him, noticing how green his eyes look with the moonlight behind him through the window. “Do you want me to leave?”
“What?” He starts to move out of my hold, but I squeeze his body, not letting him go. “Why would I want that?”
He looks tired, groggy from sleep, but tired in other ways too.
My arms stays around him as we remain leaned back against my headboard.
His body against mine. It feels safe in a way I can’t really explain in any other way.
“Because…” He clears his throat, his eyes red rimmed and shiny, “Of what I told you.”
“That you’re gay.” I state because I want him to say it. I don’t want him to be ashamed of who he is.
He nods though. Not saying the words. “That.”
“Not that.” I say firmly and use my free hand to tilt his chin, forcing him to look into my eyes, “You have nothing to be ashamed of.”
“Adam…” He tries to leave me again, but I hold firm. I drop my hand from his chin and wrap my other arm around him.
“Nothing. You don’t have to hide from me, Zachary. You never did. I’m sorry you thought you had to. But you don’t.”
“Adam… we’re….”
“Best friends.” I finish for him. “For life. And you can tell me anything.” I hold onto him, not letting him go, but he’s not fighting me.
His body relaxes against mine, his shoulders slumping. “You really aren’t mad at me?”
“For being gay?” I nearly laugh at that, but I know this town. I know it’s not easy to come out in this town. That there would be stupid dickheads that would be angry over something like that? Over who other people are attracted to.
“That and for what I did to Chloe.”
I hate the shame he’s carrying. And okay—Devil’s advocate—yeah it sucks that he felt the need to hide it so desperately that Chloe got caught in the middle. But I don’t think he wanted to hurt her. I think he did like her. I’m sure he desperately wanted to be attracted to her, but he just wasn’t.
I don’t really understand completely, but not for the reasons you would think. I just don’t really understand wanting to have sex with anyone. I don’t really get attraction. And dating. Relationships.
It looks nice, but it also looks painful and messy.
“You didn’t want to hurt her Zach.”
“But I did.” He says softly, his body resting against mine even more. “I did hurt her. I used her.”
“Because this fucking town and your good for absolutely nothing stepfather would make your life hell if they thought you were gay, and we both know it.”
He doesn’t argue with me.
“But you could have told me.”
His eyes squeeze shut and I can feel his pain. “I just wanted it to go away.”
And goddamn it. My heart squeezes tightly in my chest because I know what he’s telling me is true and it hurts so damn bad. He shouldn’t feel like that. No one should.
“Best friends, Zach. No matter what.”
I slide down, still holding onto him and taking him with me until we’re lying on our sides on my bed, facing each other.
“Thank you.” He says it and I can feel how sincerely he means it. My heart cracks again.
“Nothing to thank me for. Chloe will get over this. You didn’t mean to hurt her. You know that deep down.”
“But I did. She didn’t deserve to be treated like that just because I was a coward.”
“You’re not a coward.” I say honestly but I know he won’t believe it either. Doesn’t matter, because I know it’s true.
He’s brave. So damn brave and he was put into a horrible position.
“Go to sleep, Zach.” I say as I hug him to me and I feel his body relax.
I breathe in his shampoo and hold onto him as I close my eyes tightly and try to drift off to sleep.
Zach is the best person I know. He didn’t mean to hurt her, even if he did.
And he has to let this guilt go. I’m going to do what I can to help him with that because he deserves it.
My best friend.
My comfort.
And the person that I need to protect more than any other on this earth. One I will not let down no matter what.