60. The Way it Should Be
~ YILAN ~
When Istral was sixteen—around the time she’d taken an interest in the horses’ breeding—she’d met a stablehand. A strapping, low-born young man. He’d been very kind to her and patient. And Istral had developed… romantic ideas. Very juvenile romantic ideas.
She was truly childlike in those years. Her conceptions of love and romance were innocent—to hold hands, maybe a chaste kiss. She thought marriage meant you slept in the same bed, and romance was simply friends who chose to be alone together a great deal.
That young man preyed on her trust.
When Harris discovered them in the hayloft of the stables one morning, she was horrified and blamed herself. The young man was held while Harris took Izzy to the physician and called for me.
I was twenty-four years old and had only been ruling for two years at that point. I was still overwhelmed.
I almost lost my mind when Harris told me what happened. I rushed to my sister, ranting and raging to the doctor about how we must ensure there was no pregnancy, then had that predator whipped and exiled.
He was never allowed near Istral again.
My sister slept in my bed for two months following those events.
And I wept into my pillow, holding her, fighting it with every fiber of my being for almost a year.
I couldn’t believe I’d let her be violated in that way.
I couldn’t believe any man was sick enough to do that.
And I despised that, at first, she didn’t understand that she’d been used.
I blamed myself, and kept her close.
I always assured her she could speak to me, or Harris, or the doctor. But she seemed much happier to forget about it. And over time, so was I.
But now I was left gaping at her as she watched me warily, fear of my disapproval in her eyes.
“Izzy,” I breathed, licking my lips. “I was never angry at you for what he did to you.”
She frowned and looked back towards Gall. “Yes, you were. You yelled a lot, and you cursed.”
“But… but not at you. Istral, I was so angry at myself because I didn’t protect you! And I was raging at him for hurting you that way.”
Her brows knitted together. “But it didn’t hurt. Not much. And you yelled. And you said I couldn’t go to the horses anymore. And… you were ashamed of me.”
I sucked in a breath, my heart shattering at the insistence in her tone. “No, Izzy—”
“You said it was wrong and no man should want me and…” Then I saw my sister give a little shudder and turn away from me. Like she was ashamed.
Oh fuck.
Oh dear God.
I hadn’t… had I?
I wanted to crawl under a rock and die.
I grabbed for her horse’s rein and pulled it around, stopping both our animals so that they faced each other, chewing their bits, and Istral could look me right in the eye.
“Izzy, I am so sorry. I didn’t explain well at all, did I? I want you to listen to me very carefully. I know things are difficult right now, but can you listen very hard, please?”
Her lower lip trembled and she looked a little bit afraid, but she nodded.
I leaned forward, reaching for her hand, holding it, swallowing back tears.
“I’m sorry I didn’t explain back then. I had no idea you were…
seeing things this way. I want you to know I never held you responsible for what happened with that man.
When I said it was shameful, I meant for him.
He took advantage of you. He knew you didn’t understand what he was doing, and he used that to…
to take yo ur body for himself when you didn’t understand.
He was wrong. You were not wrong, he was. ”
Istral’s eyes swam with tears, but they didn’t spill over. “You think it’s wrong for a man to love me?”
“No!” I gasped. “I think it’s wrong for a man who is… much older in his mind and body to use you. To trick you. To make you think he loves when he doesn’t. When he’s just… just trying to find his own pleasure, whether it hurts you or not.”
She frowned and looked down. I squeezed her hand and whispered her name so she’d look at me again.
“Istral, I know Gall truly cares for you. I know he isn’t like that man was. They are not the same.”
“I know that,” she said, nodding quickly. “But you got angry again and—”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, swallowing the lump in my throat frantically. “I’m sorry I made you think I was angry with you. I wasn’t. I’m not. I’m not even… not really mad at Gall, either. I’m just… I’m just afraid.”
She frowned harder. “Afraid of what?”
“I’m afraid you’ll be hurt in a way that will destroy you, and it will be my fault for not protecting you.”
Her brows rose. “But you don’t have to do all the protecting now, Lani. Gall does that. And he’s very good at it. And I like it. I don’t want him to be apart from me. I feel safe with him.”
I was left speechless at my sister’s simple faith—in me, in Gall, and in herself.
“Does he… does he ever make you feel uncomfortable?” I asked quietly.
She frowned again. “No! I was afraid when I first saw him because he’s so big. But as soon as we talked, I knew he was wonderful. He’s like me, Lani. I’ve never met someone like me before. He makes me feel the same.”
I blinked. “The same? As him?”
“As you,” she said earnestly. “He makes me feel… normal.”
Oh God.
I dropped my head, breathing through the tears that wanted to overwhelm me because I needed to not give her the wrong impression again.
“Izzy… I’m so sorry. I never realized…”
“I know I’m not the same as everyone else,” she said, squirming in her saddle. “I don’t understand why God made me this way. But Gall is the same as me. And being close to him feels like we’re normal and it’s good.”
I bit my lip, smiling through the threatening tears. “I think… I think it is good. I know Gall is a good man. And if he makes you feel safe… Well, that’s just… that’s wonderful, Iz.”
She nodded. “Please don’t make me go away from him,” she whispered. “I don’t feel right when he’s gone.”
I slumped in my saddle. I knew what I needed to say. Knew it was right. Knew I’d been wrong. But, God help me, this was Istral …
Still fighting tears and battling fear, I nudged my horse back into a walk, tugging at hers to turn around again until we were walking knee to knee and I no longer felt like speaking would make me cry. Then I cleared my throat.
“I won’t separate you,” I said quietly. “I give you my word.”
“Oh, thank you!” Istral lit up like the sun rising over the mountains. She leaned across to hug me tightly. “Thank you, Yilan!”
“You’re welcome,” I said, trying to mean it. “But if this is true, and you two are mates and there’s… well, there’s some things we need to talk about, Izzy.”
She straightened back into her saddle and gathered up her reins. “Very well.”
I didn’t think I’d ever wanted my mother back more.
I didn’t think I’d ever felt less equipped to help my sister.
My confidence was shattered. I thought I’d cared for her when she was hurt before.
Thought I’d protected her. Thought I’d helped her heal.
Instead, this whole time, she’d thought I blamed her? Shamed her?
How the hell was I going to explain this without hurting her again?
But then, in the middle of my whirlwind of doubt, the bond surged. I almost wept again as a wave of reassurance and strength washed over me from my mate. I looked back, but couldn’t see him, even though I ached to have him closer just then, to draw on his strength and trust in me and…
And that was how Istral was feeling about Gall.
It smacked me between the eyes. And right in the heart.
My sister was growing up. Slowly. She would always need help. But she was not just a child.
She had a mate. And desire for him. And fear.
And I needed to help her .
I blew out a breath, then took Izzy’s hand.
“So, the first thing I want to tell you is that you should never do anything with a man—even your mate—if you feel afraid or uneasy. So that’s the first thing. You can say no. It’s right to say no if you don’t feel like you want to be close to him.”
Istral frowned. “I never don’t want to be close to him.”
I almost laughed. “Well, if it happens, just know… you can say no, and you aren’t wrong to do so. Do you believe me?”
“Yes,” she said with a shrug.
I wanted to drop my face into my hand. But I plowed on.
“You’re going to get closer and closer the longer you’re together.
But that doesn’t mean you’ll always agree or want the same thing.
So just… choose your time to mate with him, Izzy.
I pray he would never pressure you, but if he does, you look him in the eye and you tell him you’re not ready.
When the time is right, you’ll find the way through together. ”
“Find the way to what?” she asked, confused.
I cleared my throat. “You remember the horses? The mating? And the thing… that man did?”
She pinked. “Yes.”
“That’s… we do it a little differently, but it’s the way we cement the bond and…
and get close. It’s a need with your mate, Izzy.
And it’s good. But it can take some time to find your way to what feels good for you.
What you enjoy, and what he enjoys. And what you can do together so that you both have a wonderful time. ”
“It’s the shivers,” she said quietly.
I blinked. “The… shivers?”
She nodded. “When Gall lays with me, his… his… manplace gets hard. And he hugs me, and my body shivers,” she said, her cheeks flaming.
I couldn’t believe this had been going on right under my nose. I fought back the urge to curse Gall and instead nodded. “Yes, that’s exactly what I mean.”
“But that feels good,” she said, tilting her head.
“I’m glad it feels good. I pray when you mate it will also feel good for you.
But it can go either way, Istral. I just want you to know that it’s fine to tell him that.
If he starts to do something and it hurts, or you don’t like it, you should tell him.
Together you need to look for the kinds of touches and… and mating that you both enjoy. ”
Istral nodded, her confidence growing. “Gall won’t hurt me. He’s always scared of hurting me even when it feels good,” she said with a little smile that gave me a pang in my chest. “I have to tell him not to stop because he’s worried. He’s so big and I’m so small and he thinks he might break me.”
God, he wasn’t the only one.
When I thought of the sheer strength of the Neph and remembered the desperate ways Melek and I had joined at times…
I was starting to sweat.
“Well, as long as he isn’t pushing you—”
“No, silly,” Istral said with a little giggle. “Gall never pushes me. I grew impatient and kissed him first!”
Oh dear, Lord.
Half of me wanted to laugh, and the other half was horrified. “Well, then… I guess when we return to Theynor we need to get you two married,” I said with as much of a smile as I could manage.
Istral’s eyes lit up. “Yes, please!”