Chapter 30
‘I’m nervous,’ Dot whispers, and I squeeze her hand.
I’m back on Peter’s doorstep, but this time I have Dot instead of Julie standing beside me. He comes to the door, more smartly dressed than last time, in blue jeans and a black shirt. Did he dress up to see his mum, or is it just one of those things? I like to think he did.
‘Mum,’ he says. ‘Hello, Mabel. It’s nice to see you again.’
I smile at him and I feel that Dot has frozen by my side. I give her hand a bit of a tug.
‘Can we come in?’ I ask.
‘Of course, of course.’ Peter steps back and gestures towards the living room.
The cat, Thor, is stretched out on the carpet in a patch of sunlight. Dot and I sit down on the sofa, and Peter goes to get us drinks.
‘Nice cat,’ Dot says, when he’s gone.
‘Does he look different from how you expected?’ I ask.
She wrinkles her nose in the way she does when she’s giving something some thought. ‘He’s older, of course. I knew he would be but I hadn’t quite been able to picture him. And I know what you told me, Mabel, but it’s such a nice surprise to see him looking so well.’
It was the right thing to do, to bring her here. In the night, when I haven’t been able to sleep, I’ve wondered about it. But now we’re here and it’s so clear that it’s right.
Peter comes in with a tray. He unloads it onto the coffee table. There’s tea and a cake. He cuts us big slices.
‘Did you make this?’ I ask into the quiet.
‘Maria did. She’ll be here soon. She just wanted to give us a bit of time on our own. Rhys is upstairs, too. But we didn’t want you to feel overwhelmed.’
‘That’s kind of you,’ Dot says, and I listen closely to her voice but there are no cracks. ‘I couldn’t believe it when Mabel said I had two more grandsons.’
‘Because you couldn’t believe anyone would be stupid enough to settle down with me?’ Peter asks, a glint in his eye that is just like the one Dot has when she’s joking.
‘I suppose I just hadn’t allowed myself to wonder about you much,’ she says.
Peter nods. ‘That makes sense.’ He clears his throat. ‘Listen, Mum, Mabel said you were worried about the way we left things. I understand, of course I do. It was an awful time. But it’s me who needs to apologise. It was a terrible thing I did, taking that money from you.’
Dot is looking at him, waiting for him to go on.
‘I’m sorry, Mum. I’m so sorry. I was in a bad place and I made a lot of mistakes, but that’s the one that haunts me.’
‘Would you ever have looked for me?’ she asks.
Peter runs a hand through his thinning hair.
‘I don’t know, in all honesty. I’m ashamed, and that’s a powerful thing.
I told Mabel that I straightened out when I met my wife, Maria.
She’s tried to talk me into looking for you a number of times.
She’s close with her family, can’t imagine being estranged the way we’ve been.
And when the boys were little, they’d ask why they didn’t have two sets of grandparents like their friends did.
But I suppose I’d convinced myself that it was easier to keep things the way they were.
And then Mabel got in touch, and I started to think about all the things I’d shut out, and I realised I did want to see you again, more than anything. ’
‘Thank you for apologising,’ she says. ‘But it’s not all down to you.
There was fault on my side too. I could see that things were spiralling out of control for you, and I didn’t know how to handle it, and I always wondered whether your troubles were down to the way I’d raised you.
That’s what you do as a mother, worry and blame yourself for everything. ’
Peter takes a gulp from a huge mug of coffee, and then he asks a question I wasn’t sure he would. ‘But why was it different, the way you raised me, from the way you raised John and William?’
I feel Dot take a deep breath. Here we go, I think. She’s told me that she will tell him about this, if he asks. And here he is, asking.
‘I never told you who your father was,’ she says, and I suppose it’s as good a place to start as any. ‘And that’s because he wasn’t a father. Wasn’t a man, even. I wasn’t in a relationship with him. We went out once and when he walked me home, he pushed himself inside the house and, well…’
‘He raped her,’ I say. I wonder immediately whether I’ve done the right thing, cutting in like that, but it seemed like she was struggling to find the words and I want him to understand. He looks shocked, and so sad.
‘Oh Mum,’ he says. ‘God, I’m sorry.’
It’s a strange thing, for a son to be apologising to his mother about the way his father treated her. But I can see instantly that it unlocks something in Dot, that it frees her a little.
‘I’m sorry too,’ she says. ‘When you were a child, I couldn’t possibly tell you.
And then when you were old enough, I just didn’t know what it would do to you to know that that’s how you were conceived.
But I think now that perhaps it would have been better than keeping it all shut away and you sensing that things were different and not knowing why. ’
‘It’s an impossible situation,’ Peter says. ‘And I think I’m glad I didn’t know, when I was younger. I think I would have used it as an excuse for all my poor behaviour. I think you did the right thing, or certainly you intended to, and that’s the best we can do as parents, isn’t it?’
I see tears forming in Dot’s eyes, and Peter must too, because he stands and goes over to where she’s sitting and when she stands, he hugs her tightly. And it feels like everything, to me, so I can only imagine how it feels to Dot.
‘Speaking of parenting, would you like to meet Rhys?’ Peter asks when they pull apart.
‘I would like that very much,’ Dot says.
Peter disappears again, and Dot turns to me.
‘Thank you, for stepping in when I couldn’t say the words.’
‘I hope it wasn’t overstepping.’
‘It wasn’t. It was telling a truth I wasn’t able to tell. I’ve talked about it so little, and when I have I’ve used different words, skirting around it, but there’s really only one way to say it. He raped me. I don’t know why I couldn’t say it before, when it’s the honest truth. Thank you.’
And then Peter reappears with a younger man who looks just like him. ‘This is Rhys,’ he says.
Rhys holds one hand up and says hello, and I wonder what Dot will do. I hope it isn’t too much for her, all of this in one day.
‘Hello, Rhys,’ Dot says. ‘I’m sorry I’ve missed your entire childhood.’
Rhys laughs a little. ‘It’s all right. We can fill you in. There were a lot of rainy holidays in Wales and trips to the Isle of Wight.’
Peter ruffles his son’s hair. It’s easy to see how much he loves him, how proud he is.
‘I’m Mabel,’ I say. ‘Your dad said you’re at university. What is it you’re studying?’
‘Economics and Business,’ he says.
Dot whistles. ‘Well, isn’t that something?’
The door opens again and it’s Maria, smiling brightly.
‘Hello, Mabel,’ she says. ‘And you must be—’
‘This is my mum,’ Peter says, stepping forward.
And the way Maria and Dot smile, it’s like they’ve won the lottery.
Everyone sits down and we have more tea and more cake.
‘Your other son is called James, is that right?’ Dot asks.
Peter glances at Maria before speaking. ‘That’s right. He’s twenty-two. He’s mostly left home, but he’s only down the road. He’s in a sales job, but I think he’s still holding out hope of becoming a rock star.’
The cat crosses the room, making a beeline for Rhys, and I watch as he strokes her and then pats his knee for her to come and sit on him, which she does.
‘I’ve missed so much,’ Dot says.
‘We both have,’ Peter says. ‘And we can’t change that. But we can start again, from now. Get to know each other again. Remember how to be a family.’
‘You have a lovely family here, it looks like.’
‘I do. I’ve been so lucky. My life could have been a disaster but Maria saw something in me – God knows what – and she’s been taking care of me ever since.’
‘What do you do, for work?’ I ask Peter, realising I don’t know.
‘I’m an office manager. It’s not glamorous but it pays the bills and I’m good at it. Maria’s a receptionist at a GP surgery. We’re planning to retire in a couple of years and see a bit of the world.’
‘Once they’ve finally got rid of us,’ Rhys says.
‘Yeah, when will that be?’ Maria asks, laughing.
They ask us to stay for lunch but Dot says we should be getting on, which surprises me. Peter looks a bit disappointed, but he nods just the same.
‘Next time?’ she asks. ‘There will be a next time, won’t there?’
‘I hope so,’ Peter says.
We all stand and Maria takes the plates and cups back to the kitchen.
‘I don’t know what to call you,’ Rhys says to Dot. ‘We call our other grandmother Granny but—’
‘But I don’t feel like a Granny yet,’ she says. ‘That’s okay. I hope I will one day. But for now, why don’t you just call me Dot?’
He smiles, towering over both of us. ‘Okay, Dot. It was good to meet you.’
We’re at the door when Peter taps Dot’s arm and hands her an envelope a little sheepishly.
‘What’s this?’ she asks.
‘It’s the money I took.’
‘Oh, you don’t need to—’
‘I do. Please take it. It’s been a long time coming.’
‘Thank you,’ Dot says, and there’s a slight waver there in her voice. ‘Thank you, Peter.’
When we’re back in the car, she bursts into tears.
‘Oh Dot,’ I say. ‘Too much all at once?’
‘No,’ she says. ‘It was perfect. It was the most wonderful thing. Thank you for giving me a nudge. I’m so grateful.’
‘Let’s go home,’ I say.
We’re heading back to Broughton and all the way I can’t stop grinning. Because I think Dot’s broken heart is finally mended.