Chapter 44
44
On my cot, still bewildered, I tried to figure out what had just happened. Somehow, Moon had predicted the vision I’d have in the sweat lodge. You don’t remember, but something happened in the desert. You were offered something. A choice.
How had she known? Guessing my dreams was one thing, but there was no way she could’ve known something I hadn’t yet seen.
My body still felt strange, off. I’d briefly dated a guy with a VR headset: after running through ruins on a distant planet, I’d taken it off to feel dizzy and displaced. This time, though, the sensation was much stronger.
God, I wanted a drink. Maybe two. Just to bring my buzzing nervous system down.
“Hey.” Moon peeked in the door. “Can I come in?”
“Sure.” I was both curious and loath to talk to her. I couldn’t forget how she—and Sol—had held me down after I’d indicated I needed to leave.
“I brought you this.” She set down an iced matcha in a clear glass on the desk, then sat on the edge of the bed. She was freshly showered and wearing a waffle robe.
“Thanks.” I wrapped my arms around my legs. Our positions felt weirdly mother-daughter.
“So, what was that?” I asked when she didn’t speak.
“It was a past life regression. It’s where you slip back into a past life.” Moon played with her necklace. “Time is a construct, right? So these lives are all happening at the same time. It’s like stepping into another dimension.”
“Ah.” There had to be a simpler explanation, like the shared group delusion. But that still didn’t explain how Moon had known what I would see.
“Have you guys done—regressions before?” I asked.
“With Catherine, yes. That’s how we knew that you two met a spirit in the desert when you were dying. Since her eyes were closed, she never knew what the spirit looked like.” Moon blew out a breath. “But now, thanks to you, we know. A snake spirit. I wish I could’ve seen it. I’m sure it was magnificent.”
I shivered. Those marble eyes still burned in my mind, like too-bright lights lingering in my vision.
“But I’m sorry.” Moon put a hand on the bedspread. “I thought I was helping you cut through the fear, the pain. But maybe I pushed you too hard.”
Was she sorry? Her face looked sincere, but then again she was an actor.
This was yet another example of why Catherine shouldn’t be here. Moon and Sol didn’t respect people’s limits. No wonder Catherine had broken down.
“Thanks for the apology.” I forced a smile. “So was that part of the healing work?”
“Of course.” She smiled back. “One more session tomorrow night, then the last one on the equinox. And the healing work will be completed. You can go, or stay, if you’d like. We’d love that.”
“What do the next two sessions look like?” I asked. “Because the sweat lodge—”
“No, no more in there.” She shook her head. “They’ll be in the cave.”
My body froze. “The cave?”
“Yes.” She scratched her bare knee. “It’s a powerful energy vortex. A portal to another world. So for the most important work, we meet down there. Don’t worry, we’ll make it cozy.”
“What will happen?” Sol’s words came back to me: I’d say we have our confirmation. “Does this have to do with the sacrifice thing?”
“It does. You agreed to offer yourself as a sacrifice to heal the world. So you’ll do that.” She brushed back a long strand. “Symbolically, of course.”
“You think I agreed to the snake spirit’s offer?”
“Yes. Catherine refused; we were pretty sure, but now it’s clear.”
Maybe it was the heat, or having passed out, but I was having trouble keeping everything straight. “So I agreed to come back in a future lifetime—this one—and somehow sacrifice myself for the good of the world? And the snake gave me that opportunity because it somehow knew I’d been betrayed by my entire community?”
“Exactly.”
“But why the future? Didn’t we already die? I mean, think of the story of Jesus—he sacrificed himself in his lifetime. He didn’t have to come back thousands of years later.”
“Jesus is a good example of this. But his situation’s different. He was already enlightened during his lifetime. He could’ve saved himself, but he chose not to.” Moon explained slowly and patiently, like an elementary schoolteacher. “Now, you and Catherine never fully came into your powers. You weren’t able to save yourselves. So the choice to sacrifice yourselves was offered for a future lifetime. When you could actually make the decision.”
“Gotcha.” There was a certain logic to it. I had to suppress a wild giggle. “So how am I going to symbolically sacrifice myself on the equinox?”
Moon shrugged. “Obviously, we’re not going to ask you to do anything crazy. I need to meditate on it more, but we’ll come up with something everyone’s comfortable with.”
“Great.” Wow. Did she really believe I’d be cool with that? After what had happened in the sweat lodge?
Of course, I didn’t think I was in real danger of Moon and Sol forcing me to cut my heart out with a dagger or anything like that. But I was still extremely relieved that I was leaving soon—before the next session.
“Thanks for explaining everything.” I smiled, wishing her away.
“Sure. Try this.” She handed me the matcha, then watched until I took a sip.
After she left, I went to take a shower. I waited for some heaviness to fill my limbs, for my body to slump to the ground.
But nothing happened. Of course. Moon hadn’t drugged my matcha. I was being paranoid. This group delusion was strange, and Moon and Sol were cult-y boundary-pushers, but it seemed like a jump to believe I was in actual physical danger.
When I walked into the dining room, the place settings looked different. It took me a second to figure out why: there were wineglasses by each plate. For mocktails, I assumed.
“Thea!” Sol jumped up from the table. He wore a wreath of leaves in his shaggy blond hair, which contrasted with a blue band T-shirt. THE RA RAS . “I’m so glad you’re feeling better. Welcome.” He leaned down to kiss my cheek. “You were incredible today.”
“Uh, thanks.” That was a weird thing to say.
“Sit right here.” Arm around my shoulder, he directed me to the head of the table. “You’re the guest of honor tonight.”
“Oh no—”
“Yes! No arguing.” His eyes were wide, a little wild. “Now that we’re all together, our power is so strong. Can you feel it?”
I wasn’t sure if it was the physical aftereffects of the sweat lodge or the imminent escape plan, but I felt slightly giddy too. “I can.”
What would they think, waking tomorrow to find Catherine, Jonah, and me gone? It made me feel both a tug of guilt and a buzz of excitement. Trickster energy. Moon and Sol thought they knew everything; what would their shock look like?
Grace walked out of the kitchen, carrying several bottles of wine.
“We’re celebrating tonight.” Sol gestured at her. “You’d have to ask Steven—he’s the expert—but these are some of the jewels of our collection.”
“Thea, you have a preference?” Grace asked. “Cabernet? Burgundy?”
“Wait, I thought you guys were dry?” I asked. The sight of the wine bottles was doing something to my body, like a dog spotting a bag of treats.
“Only during retreats. The rest of the time, we partake.” Sol slid his glass to the edge of the table. “Alcohol can actually be a great medicine, if used responsibly. Why don’t you give her the cabernet.”
Grace leaned over me to pour.
I opened my mouth to stop her—I could tell them I didn’t drink. And I shouldn’t drink here, not around these people I couldn’t really trust. But after everything that had happened over the past few days, I needed it. Just one glass. I could smell the dark, earthy aroma. Okay. I’d have one glass, and I’d drink it very slowly, and that would be it.
Sol didn’t touch his wine, so I waited too. Moon entered the dining room, Catherine and Jonah behind her. Leaning over, she grasped me in a hug from behind. “Our beautiful savior!”
Jonah nodded at me, his eyes serious. He hadn’t come to the yurt to check in with me. But maybe he also wanted to act delicately until we were on the road out of here. Catherine’s cheeks were tinted with pink, and she avoided looking at me as she sat.
Moon settled on my other side. “A toast!” She raised her filled glass. “To our long-lost sister, a seer with unimaginable powers. Thank you, Thea, for giving this—for giving us—a chance. We’re going to do something spectacular together. We’re going to heal the world! Cheers!”
I couldn’t help but smile at Moon’s childlike enthusiasm. I clinked glasses and took a sip. I wasn’t a huge red wine person, but this was delicious; rich and complex, it melted on my tongue. As I swallowed, my entire body relaxed. I hadn’t drunk since last Thursday, after drinking pretty much daily for the past year. I’d seen articles that said alcohol was physically addictive; I didn’t quite believe it was true, but my body was responding in kind.
Just one glass.
Steven and Karen carried out large pans that they set onto the table: roasted chicken and grilled zucchini, charred ears of corn, fresh corn bread.
“Watch your fingers, Joe,” Karen said as she put a steaming tray down where he was picking up his water glass.
“Jonah.” He smiled at her.
“Not a nickname guy, huh?” She winked, then settled by Moon.
I took another small sip. Damn, this was delicious.
Three hours later, near midnight, I was in Moon and Sol’s room. It was a large, sumptuous space: four-poster bed, faux-fur blankets, plush Turkish carpets. Sol messed with the record player on a side table, shirtless, his hair still wet from the hot tub. Tonight felt like it had lasted days, starting with dinner, where I’d drunk a glass, and then another, and then another. I knew I shouldn’t, but the warm, fuzzy buzz just felt so fucking good. When was the last time I’d felt this good? It had been weeks, if not months, if not years.
And the last few days had been so stressful. I craved this, some small opportunity for release.
On the way to the bonfire, Jonah walked next to me. “Are you good?”
“Yeah. I’m great.” I leaned in, breathing in his scent. “Your alarm set?”
“Yup.”
“And you can drive tonight?”
“Of course.” He’d had a few glasses with dinner, too, and now his dark eyes gleamed. “I’m sure we’ll all go to bed soon. I’ll get a few hours of sleep.”
It struck me that we were similar, Jonah and I: hard workers. So hard on ourselves too. We cared too much. Did too much. No wonder we turned to alcohol to relax.
Around the fire, Moon played her drum and Sol sang and strummed his guitar. This time he played fast classic rock songs, and Grace pulled Jonah up to dance. He moved his shoulders, glancing at me with an embarrassed grin, and I couldn’t help but laugh. Karen grabbed my hand, lip-synching and shimmying. No Catherine or Steven. I tried to remember when Catherine had left, but then Grace appeared—when had she gone?—with a bottle of whiskey.
This I knew I definitely should not drink, but that trickster energy reared up. Just a few sips. It’s okay. Jonah’s eyes met mine as I took a pull, and something in his expression made my stomach taut. I handed him the bottle, as if daring him. He kept his eyes on me as he drank.
After, Moon had led us to the hot tub to the beat of her drum. She dropped it to shuck her clothes. The rest of us followed suit; no hesitation this time. Jonah hopped in the tub fast but was watching me as I pulled off my shirt. It felt sexy, illicit, for him to see me. For everyone to see me. No longer did I care. After all, I knew these people! I’d known them for thousands of years, apparently. The ridiculous thought made me giggle.
You’re getting drunk, Thea. No more whiskey. So I abstained— Good job —but then Moon disappeared and came back with bottles of white wine: my favorite, cold and tart. Sharing the bottles felt like a bookend to the pineapple juice from two nights before. Sol told more funny stories, but I could barely concentrate with Jonah next to me. He was so close the energy vibrated between us.
I was making this up, whatever attraction I was sensing. I had to be. But then Jonah’s hand found my leg, just above my knee, and squeezed. Desire shot up through my belly. I looked at him; he was nodding at Sol. But then he glanced at me and smirked.
Was this really happening? I had the vague sense of needing to plan how I was going to get Jonah back to my yurt. But then we were following Moon and Sol back to their room to listen to records. Grace and Karen disappeared somewhere along the way, because it was just the four of us in here. I was in my wet underwear and bra, wrapped in a thick blanket, sitting on Moon and Sol’s bed. Jonah was beside me, clothed but damp, and we were passing a wine bottle—another red, this time—back and forth.
I was beyond stopping. That trickster part of me had shifted into outright defiance: Stop being such a good girl. Stop being a martyr. Just enjoy yourself for once in your fucking life.
Sol had put on soul music and Moon was dancing around the room topless, in just her underwear. She’d clearly been a dancer or a gymnast; there was something natural about her movements. I felt like I was watching a cabaret show, at least until she danced up to me and grabbed my hands.
“Thea, come on!” Her accent was stronger than ever. I smiled as I imagined confronting her about it right now. Of course, that would stop the party, full force. Mikki should be the one to out her, anyway.
I threw off the blanket and joined her. Normally, I felt awkward dancing, but this time the music—and the alcohol—made it easy to let go. Sol sang along, rolling his shoulders. Jonah watched me from the bed, his eyes burning.
“Come on!” I beckoned to him. “Come dance!”
He shook his head, smiling. Moon danced over to him, in between his legs, giving him an impromptu lap dance. I glanced at Sol, but he just swooped in, slipping an arm around my lower back.
“Hi!” He grinned, our faces suddenly close together.
“Hi.” In my blurry state, it felt like dancing with Pastor John. Were they the same age? Maybe they had the same birthday too!
He leaned in, breathing into my ear. “You’re so sexy.”
Sol’s words were both surprising and not.
“I think I need more wine.” Uncertainly, I broke away, looked at Jonah. Moon was now leaning down and kissing him.
What was happening? Moon pulled away and looked back at me.
“Let’s do this right.” She pointed to the door. “Thea, stand there.”
I went to the door. Confusion mixed with so many other sensations: excitement in my chest, fear in my gut, a pleasurable ache in my groin.
“You too.” She pulled at Jonah’s hand, and he got up and stood next to me.
“How was it, Thea?” Moon asked as Sol walked up behind her, slipping his arms around her belly, kissing her neck. “When you walked in on them. Who was on top?”
My mouth gaped open. “Huh?”
“The pastor and his wife.” Moon reached up and caressed Sol’s cheek. He slipped a hand into her underwear.
Should we leave? I wanted to ask Jonah, but he was gazing at Moon. Should I leave? I wasn’t sure I could find my way out of the mazelike castle in this state.
“Um. He was on top.”
Jonah pushed the bottle into my hand, and I automatically took a swig.
“Should’ve guessed.” Moon laughed. “Well, we’re going to switch.”
Sol climbed onto the bed, pushing down his boxer briefs. Moon slipped out of her underwear and straddled him. I watched, eyes wide with shock, as she leaned down to kiss him, her breasts just brushing his chest. He continued to touch her, and she moaned. She stroked his penis—larger than the flaccid version I’d seen in the hot tub would’ve suggested—and guided it inside her. They started moving together. She leaned back, tossing her hair, gazing down at him.
“Oh my god.” I glanced up at Jonah. He took another swig of wine, then bent to set it down. When he stood, he grabbed me and kissed me.
For a moment, the kiss blanked everything else out, even what was happening on the bed mere feet away from us. We pressed against each other, opening our mouths, letting each other in. His hands slipped down under my underwear, cupping my ass. One hand moved to the front. His touch was confident, strong, and I gasped at how good it felt. I palmed his erection straining against his pants.
“Thea.” We broke away from each other at Moon’s voice. She was still on top of Sol, holding a hand out to me. “Come join us. Both of you.”
Jonah grabbed my hand and moved towards them. I thought suddenly of the dream—the scary one that had woken me up this morning. Seeing Moon and Sol together, her beckoning me towards them. Déjà vu rattled as Sol reached out to cup my thigh. How did the dream go? Something about Pastor John and Jamie, and a cheap hotel room, and a whirlpool filled with teeth.
Moon pulled me in and kissed me. Her lips were softer than Jonah’s, her tongue more gentle. It felt so normal, so natural. And why not? Anyone would want to kiss Moon, who was so gorgeous, whose eroticism seeped from every pore.
She got off Sol and moved back so that we could all fit on the bed. On the silky sheets, hands caressed and mouths kissed, delicately at first and then harder: fingers grasping my hair, palms opening my legs, the pressure of Sol’s beard between my inner thighs.
This felt like a do-over, a chance to swipe the old memory of Pastor John and Jamie clear, to fill it with something new. This was therapeutic! I laughed into a mouth—Jonah’s mouth. Moon was teasing my nipples, running her tongue around them. She looked up at me, grinning, then slid up to kiss my earlobe.
“You’re so beautiful, Thea.”
I thought I was grasping Jonah, thick in my hand, but when I looked down it was Sol. He pulled Moon’s chin to him, kissing her. Such a jumble of body parts: arms, fingers, hair. I caught a glimpse of us in the window’s reflection: we looked like an undulating sea creature.
“Come here.” Moon was pulling at me. She grabbed condoms from the nightstand and tore one open, fitting it over Sol. I straddled him and then he was inside me, moving beneath me. I exhaled and leaned down and kissed him. Moon was behind me, caressing me, her fingers revolving. She was moaning too—being fucked by Jonah from behind, I saw with a quick glance—and the sounds and pressure and vetiver scent combined into a blur. I was in a trance, my brain empty, sensations taking me over like I was no longer human, just pure animal.
I was getting close, and the thought struck, sharp and illuminating as lightning: I was going to orgasm without the shed, without Adam, without the shame. And then my brain switched off again and I felt it coming towards me, that inevitable release racing ever closer.
Just before I came, something made me look at the door. It was slightly ajar, and in the split second before my eyes squeezed closed, before I cried out, I saw it in the dark space: a single, staring green eye.