Chapter 45
45
I woke in my yurt, my phone pressing into my hip.
My head was on fire. I moaned, touching my temples. Wine. Whiskey. All going down like water. All leading to…
Oh my god. I curled up in a ball as the images rained down on me. I’d had a drunken foursome with Moon, Sol, and Jonah. Hadn’t I? For a moment I considered that it might’ve been a particularly vivid dream. But then I shifted and felt the telltale soreness between my legs.
Shit. I was not one of those girls. I was not sexually adventurous: hooking up in public, in bar bathrooms, on Ferris wheels. Going to sex parties, which Dom had told me about with relish. Even embarking on one-night stands. There’d been a handful during and since college, and that was it.
So what had happened last night? Had Moon and Sol drugged me?
No. I knew they hadn’t. I had no one to blame but that part of me that hungered, that wanted to be out of control, selfish even—instead of always helping everyone else.
Add that to the erotic energy that ran beneath the surface here. I’d seen it that first night when Moon had pulled off her dress. The nudity, the touching, Sol making sure I knew he and Moon were open… had it all been intentional? Had they been grooming me for this? Or was it just their thing, and I was so lonely and horny that I’d allowed myself to be swept up into it?
I didn’t remember coming back to the yurt. I was in my crinkled underwear and a T-shirt— THE RA RAS . Sol’s shirt. Along with anxiety and regret, the hangover was making my head pound so badly I could barely think. It felt like someone had sliced out a chunk of my brain with an ice cream scoop.
And yet, underneath it… there came a flutter of something electric. Because as shocking as the experience had been, I had let myself go. I’d done things I never would’ve expected myself to do. There had been something primal about our bodies coming together.
I shifted, digging out my phone.
And then I remembered.
I stared with horror at the blank screen; it had run out of battery and turned itself off. I hadn’t woken up at four as planned. I hadn’t left with Catherine and Jonah.
Fuck!
Catherine had been there last night—now I remembered the flash of her eye in the doorway. When I’d looked again, she’d disappeared. What had she been thinking? She had to be alarmed that I was entangled with these people I was trying to protect her from. Goddamnit. I never would’ve done any of that sober.
Tears of frustration filled my eyes. I tried to sit up—I needed to talk to Catherine—but sank back down to my pillow and moaned. It was too painful.
Had Moon and Sol somehow known about our plan? It didn’t make sense, not unless Catherine had told them. And after all, they hadn’t known my phone would die. No, this time the culpability lay firmly with me.
A few minutes later, I managed to sit and grab my pill packet from my purse. As I dry-swallowed Tylenol, a new thought struck me: Had Catherine had sex with Moon and Sol too? Was everyone having orgies? Steven? Grace? Karen? I truly had no idea.
As I managed to dress, I considered how I’d been able to have orgasms—multiple ones—without any thoughts of Adam or the shed.
Moon’s earnest voice arose in my mind: The pattern’s broken.
Was it broken for good? I felt a tiny spark of wonder, which was quickly submerged by foreboding. Even if Moon and Sol were getting results, the paths there were not just unethical—they were totally out of control.
I showered in the covered stall; I was done being naked. I didn’t see anyone until I dressed and left my yurt to find Moon approaching with a coffee.
“Good morning!” she trilled. Beyond the dark circles under her eyes, she looked none the worse for wear. She wore short black bike shorts that showed off the tattoos on her tan legs.
Damn. All I wanted to do was get to Catherine. My head felt slightly clearer. We were leaving today; I was sick of this sneaking around. Moon and Sol couldn’t hold any of us here against our will.
“Hey.” I hesitated, but she barreled into me, grabbing me in a hug.
When she broke away, her gold eyes were wide and curious. “How you feeling, sweetie?”
I inwardly blanched at the term of endearment as I took the mug. “I’m okay.” I knew I didn’t look okay; I looked like a hungover mess. How was Moon able to drink the amount she did, especially as such a small person, and look fine? She wasn’t even wearing sunglasses!
“Good.” She put her hands on her hips. “Let’s have a chat?”
“Um, sure.” I followed her to the veranda. Images from the night before flashed through my mind. I couldn’t believe the things I’d done to her. The things she’d done to me. We’d been wild creatures, handling, sucking, and biting each other.
“So.” She exhaled as she sat. “I wanted us to have an opportunity for aftercare, to check in about everything. What happened last night—that’s not something we have a habit of doing with new guests. But it just felt…” She spread out her hands. “Right. Didn’t it?”
My head still felt gripped in a vise. “I… um, yeah.” I wasn’t going to argue with her, not when I was planning on leaving as soon as humanly possible.
“Normally, we do that type of healing work very intentionally.”
“So you’ve done that before.” Of course they had.
“It’s rare.” She shrugged. “But sometimes people do need hands-on sexual healing. I’m sure you know that a lot of people hold trauma in their genitals. As you’ve seen from our sessions, the work has to be really tailored to the client.”
So Moon and Sol were sexual surrogates. I’d come across the term at school but had had to google it that night to make sure I’d heard correctly. While controversial in a lot of circles, it was a type of therapy that could include sexual contact, in order to help people with sex and intimacy issues.
“What happened last night…” Moon shrugged. “None of it was planned. But I hope it provided some healing for you. Being invited in instead of shut out. Being praised instead of verbally abused.”
“A corrective experience.” I stared at her. “That’s what you mean, right?”
“Exactly.” She grinned. My mind whirred; Moon actually seemed proud of having done “work” when we were wasted together. She was more off the rails than I’d suspected.
“But I want you to know that it was more than that.” She grabbed my hand. “I mean, you felt it, right? How deep it was? Because we’ve done it before. Thousands of years ago.”
“We’ve done…”
“We were all together. The four of us.” She nodded. “Last night proved that you and Jonah are both who we thought you were.”
“But…” I paused, confused. “Was it Catherine who had the affair with the pharaoh and the guard? Or me?”
“I believe it was you.” Moon paused. “But I’m not totally sure. It’s hard to differentiate. You know, I think in certain lives you’ve been in the same body. Like the collective unconscious, our soul energy exists in a great pool. Souls rise up and melt back down, merge and separate. Have you ever felt like something or someone is missing? It’s because in some lives you and her are split into two.”
Of course I felt like something was missing: it had fueled my search for a soulmate up until now. But didn’t most people feel that way?
“We do all feel like that sometimes, because we’ve been separated from the pool.” Moon’s answer to my unspoken question jarred me. “But with you two, it’s different. It’s why you were drawn together at the hospital. It’s why you followed her all the way out here based on nothing. It’s why you couldn’t stop watching Stargirl at thirteen.” She shrugged. “You’re two sides of the same coin: Catherine’s the entertainer, outgoing and impulsive. You’re the gentle artist and healer. It makes so much sense that you turned out to be the savior.”
“Moon.” I took a deep breath. It was time to be honest, to stop playing games. “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m going to be able to stay.”
Her smile disappeared. “What?”
“I need to go to the airport today.” I wasn’t going to mention Catherine, not yet. Not until the last minute, when Jonah and I would ferry her into the SUV. They weren’t going to physically restrain us. There was nothing they could do.
“Oh. Are you sure? The visions—”
“I know, but even with the visions, I think… I don’t know, maybe this is a group belief system, a kind of mythology, that I’ve been tapping into.” I shrugged. “That kind of thing can happen, you know.”
Her face was blank; all warmth was gone. “And you just want to leave?”
“Yes.” It was a relief to say. “Jonah and I would like to head back today.”
“Oh. Okay.” She looked down, her face twisted by a frown. “Well, if that’s how you feel, then we have to respect that. We’ll just have to wait for Steven to get back. Then he or Grace can drive you to the airport.”
“Steven’s gone?”
“Yeah, he went to get supplies.” She continued staring at the ground.
“What about the second car? Can’t we take that? Maybe Grace—”
“Grace is preparing for tonight.” Moon’s voice rang out in the silence. She cleared her throat. “And anyways, that car is broken down. It doesn’t work.”
“Oh.” The reality of the situation descended, heavy as a weighted blanket. For now, at least, there was no getting away from the Center. “When is Steven getting back?”
“I don’t know exactly, but I’d guess around dinnertime?”
That was hours away.
“And when he gets back—” I started.
“Yes. He will turn around and drive you out.” Moon patted my hand, smiled again. The stormy look was gone. “Don’t worry, sweetie. We’re not going to kidnap you.”