4. River
CHAPTER 4
RIVER
T he silence left in his wake was suffocating. It had been oppressive before, but now it was crushing with its intensity. The walls were closing in around me, caging me in, just like they had one way or another throughout my life. Just because you couldn’t always see the bars, didn’t mean you weren’t trapped. It was a lie to believe cages were only physical; the mental ones were far more dangerous and could be effectively manipulated to control you.
Bane had burst back into my life only to leave it once again, taking the last fractured pieces of hope that I’d clung to with him. He might have only been in this godforsaken room with me for a few seconds, a minute at most, but he had saturated every part of it.
It was hard to think with a pickaxe chipping away at my skull, but I tried. I needed to know how Dale, Gabe, and Max were. They were the closest thing to a family I had, even if it was only our shitty circumstances that united us. I prayed they weren’t stuck in a room like I was, being drilled for information by some hardass who thought he was on the side of the righteous, fighting the good fight.
How could they believe that, when it was people like me that got charged with prostitution, and the ones who bought and sold our bodies walked away free? I’d bet everything I had that whoever booked us that night didn’t spend more than an hour in a cell—if they even made it that far. There would be no criminal record of them on the system because money paid. Guys like the ones from the hotel always had deep pockets and could lawyer up in seconds.
People like me, lost in this twisted world, trying to survive as best we could, were the ones that suffered. With no education or money to start out with, I had to do whatever it took to make it from one day to the next. After living on the streets, anything was better than that—even selling myself for nothing more than a roof over my head.
My clammy cheek rested on the cool metal table as my eyes shuttered closed, darkness becoming my solace. It was better than the dots of color that had been dancing in front of my eyes as I stared fixated on the door, wondering if he would return.
“Have you had a drink recently?” Bane’s deep voice rumbled in my ear. I jolted upright, the two-way mirror in front of me rippling as my stomach coiled tight. Blinking slowly, taking steady deep breaths, I pushed through the vicious waves of nausea that rose within me.
Once the world stopped turning itself inside out, I turned to face him. Even crouched down next to me, Bane still towered over me. His black uniform shirt hugged his well-defined broad shoulders, the sleeves coming down to the thickest part of his bulging biceps. Tattoos decorated his dark skin. He always said he wanted them when he was younger. I guess at least someone’s dreams came true. My eyes traced the geometric fine lines flowing down his corded forearms and onto the back of his enormous hands and thick fingers. Everything about Bane should intimidate—his size, power, the presence he filled the room with. But me? I felt nothing but safe.
“Riv?” I dragged my eyes away from the intricate artwork on his skin and looked into eyes that made my soul ache. “Have you had anything to drink since you’ve been in this room?” He spoke softly, like he was afraid of scaring me.
A smile flickered at the corner of my mouth that I tried to hide by rolling my bottom lip between my teeth. He was so damn sweet. His brown and blue eyes fixed on me, a furrow forming between his brows as he patiently waited for my answer.
I wanted to fall headfirst into his arms and never look at the outside world again. My heart stumbled over itself in my chest, and I shook my head.
A look of defeat washed over Bane’s features that bled into anger that tightened the corners of his eyes. “Nothing?” His tone thickened, darkened, and his fingers clenched into a fist before releasing. “You’ve been in here nearly four hours and not had a drink?”
I shrugged and sat back in my seat before I could bury my face in his neck and inhale him like I used to. Cedarwood and leather consumed me. It was a scent he’d possessed even as a child, one I’d clung to the nights after he left when I cried myself to sleep, my nose buried in a T-shirt he’d left behind.
Bane smelled like home.
With an exasperated huff, Bane pushed up, wrenching his gaze from me, and headed for the door. Hand wrapped around the handle, he paused and glanced over his shoulder. “Have you eaten, Riv?” I stayed silent and watched his shoulders rise and fall with each inhale and exhale. “I’ll take that as a no.” He pulled the door open and slipped out, leaving his foot to catch the door before it shut, almost like he didn’t want to be separated from me. What a fucking stupid idea to have in my head. I could hear the low rumble of his voice as he spoke to someone on the other side.
My stomach grumbled, preceding a painful cramp that had me folding in half. I tried to remember when I’d last eaten, but it escaped me. I’m sure I had a sandwich or something over the past week, but I hadn’t had a proper meal in years. Must have been sometime near the beginning of the week, and today was…
“Here you go.” The scent of fresh toast and thick creamy butter made my mouth water. Christ, that smelled amazing. “I also got you a bottle of water. Drink it slowly, okay?”
I rolled my eyes. Tentatively, I reached out with a shaky hand and undid the cap, which took far more effort than I’d be willing to admit. The cool water trickling down my throat felt like heaven, and the back of my eyes burned, thanks to Bane’s tiny act of kindness. It was the first one I’d received since I’d woken up, puking my guts out and being called a fucking junkie. I recoiled as the memory slammed into me, the nearly full bottle of water slipping from my fingers and crashing to the ground. It was like everything happened in slow motion, and my eyes darted between the bottle and Bane as he pushed out of the chair he’d taken opposite me.
No matter how fast he tried to move, it wasn’t enough, and water spilled from the bottle. Bane jumped around the table, and I flinched when his hand crashed down on the surface. Bane froze, shock written all over his face as I curled into myself, pulled my knees up, and tucked my head against my chest, rocking side to side, waiting for the inevitable pain to bloom across my body.
“Shit! Shit!” A muttered curse, a grunt, and a pained exhale had me screwing my eyes shut. “Riv? It’s okay. No one’s going to hurt you.”
I felt him move closer to me. I always could. He’s safe. He’s safe. Bane would never hurt me. The air became magnetized, crackling across my skin. The hairs on my arms and the back of my neck stood on end as the surrounding energy built, increasing in voltage. Safe. Safe. Safe.
“River, I’m going to touch you, okay?” Warmth filled his whispered words, a tenderness I craved but knew I didn’t deserve. “I’m not going to hurt you, okay?” Each word sounded like it cut him open, and that pain echoed in my chest.
Why did I always hurt those around me?
“I’m going to touch your shoulder to make sure you’re okay, alright?”
Sharp, shallow breaths breached my lips. My fingers sank into my legs, ripping the fabric of the scrubs I wore. When was the last time someone asked if they could touch me?
Thick fingers carded through my hair, down my neck, and settled on my shoulder. I trembled as his tender touch sank deep beneath my frozen skin. Goosebumps prickled across my body, making me ache for something different, but knowing I was not worthy. I needed to build my walls back up before I became too weak to survive this cruel world because the one I was in now wasn’t real. It was just a dream.
Pressure under my chin forced my head up. “There you are.” His exotic sky blue and dark wood brown eyes shimmered, emotions swirling in them I didn’t understand. “It’s okay, Riv. You did nothing wrong.” I sucked in a stuttering breath, my lungs squeezing tight. “You did nothing wrong,” he repeated.
My teeth sunk into my bottom lip and chewed the dry skin until the metallic taste of blood filled my mouth. Tears welled in my eyes. I tried to blink them away, but when I shook my head, fighting against his muted words, they fell, staining me. Worthless.
“Shh. I’ve got you now.”
Bane wrapped his arms around my shoulders, pulling me into him. I collapsed into his embrace. The fight drained out of me as my head found its home against his neck. I sighed, inhaling his scent. Cedarwood and leather encased me as he held me in the safety of his strong arms. He should feel disgusted by me. I wasn’t the broken boy he once knew. I was an amalgamation of nightmares and relentless demons.
“It’s okay. You’re safe. I’ve got you, and I won’t let go.” He chanted the words over and over into my ear like he could make me believe them if he repeated them enough. God, how I wanted to, but people like me didn’t deserve the grace of his kindness.
I didn’t know how long we stayed like that, but by the time he pulled away, I was warm. Not the type of warmth you got from a sweatshirt or a good coat, but the type that was like an ember burning inside you. Bane pulled back until he was looking me right in the eyes. Thick thumbs brushed away the tear tracks running down my flushed cheeks.
A shudder rolled through me that had nothing to do with his touch, but everything to do with my body shutting down. I clenched my jaw, a muscle ticcing in my cheek as I tried to hide the fact my teeth were chattering. I needed to get out of here before I hurt him. Bane was good to the core, and I was every dark creature hiding in the shadows.
“How about I get you another one and try to find you some proper clothes?” Bane tilted his head as he spoke, his eyes roaming over my dirty scrubs, lips pressed into a grim line. He picked up the bottle off the floor, cast his gaze over the room, and huffed. “I’ll be back, just going to get something to dry that up. Won’t be long.”
The two-way mirror in front of me taunted me with my reflection. A man stared back at me I didn’t recognize. How did he, after all these years? Exhaustion flowed through me. Every limb felt impossibly heavy. The sweet scent of salted butter was the only thing keeping me from closing my eyes. Flavor burst across my tongue as I chewed the lightly toasted malt bread, a groan slipping from my lips as one small bite turned into me ramming as much as I could in my mouth in case someone came in here and took it from me.
Buttery goodness dripped down my fingers, glowing golden in the harsh white light of the sterile room. I focused on sucking each drop off my fingers rather than thinking about what would happen next. The clank of the chains attached to the cuffs around my wrists refused to let me forget nobody really wanted me here, no matter how caring Bane seemed. He was just doing his job.
I was his job. Nothing more, but always infinitely less.
That thought drove home how stupid I was, thinking there was more to his actions than there was. Tears leaked from my tired eyes, and my throat grew tight and scratchy. I was still just that stupid little boy who dreamed of having a home. Of being wanted. Of love.
How could someone love me, when I didn’t even know what it was?
“Here.” Bane entered the room, a bright smile plastered on his face, arms full of items he set on the table. “I got you another bottle of water.” Passing it to me, he continued, “Montoya, my partner, got hold of some clean sneakers and pants for you. She wasn’t able to find a shirt, but you can have my hoodie until we get you something better.”
The bottle froze halfway to my mouth, my eyes widening as his words filtered through my foggy brain. Until we get you something better? I tilted my head to the side, assessing him as he shuffled from foot to foot. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear there was a slight flush to his rich dark cheeks. After all, I was just a job.
“Don’t look at me like that, Riv. We’re friends.” I shrugged, because yeah, we kind of were once. But now? “We are, aren’t we?” Vulnerability flashed across his face as he wrung his hands in his lap.
A weak smile flickered on my mouth, and I took the coward’s way out and hid behind my bottle. My throat was drier than a desert after swallowing down that toast like I was in an eating competition. Bane seemed to understand that I needed some time to process everything fully and sat silently as I looked over everything he brought.
Shamelessly, I brought his massive hoodie to my face and inhaled his intoxicating scent, making Bane chuckle. When I glanced up at him, his eyes darted to the ceiling, his smile morphing into something contagious as he tried to pretend he was coughing.
“Once you’re changed and comfortable, I hope we can have a little chat. That okay?” Just as elation had sparked inside me, it died. See? You’re just a job.
I nodded, locking down any sign of emotion, and held my chained hands up to him.
Bane pinched his nose, and his shoulders slumped. “I’ve got you.” He stood up and pulled a set of keys from his pocket. Leaning over the table, he unlocked the cuffs, a heavy sigh breaching his lips. Warm fingers wrapped around my wrists, the thumbs making soothing circles over my inflamed skin. “I’m so, so, sorry, River.”
I sucked in a stuttering breath and screwed my eyes shut as they burned. My heartbeat whooshed in my ears as a wave of dizziness washed over me. I counted to ten and back again, bile thick on my tongue. I knew what was happening—a panic attack was creeping up on me. It had been a long time coming, like waves lapping at the shore, growing stronger before calming and left me balancing on a knife edge.
Bane’s mismatched eyes bored into mine, adding layers of weight to his words. “I mean it, Riv. I’m so sorry for everything that’s happened to you. Let me help you. Help me make them pay.”
Hope fluttered in my heart, small and fragile, an exposed flame in the eye of a storm. Withdrawing from his touch took everything in me. I pointed at the clothes, then looked around the room.
Bane studied me for a minute. “Here.” He tapped a pen on a small pad and handed it to me. “Tell me.” I picked up the pen and started writing while he continued talking. “I hope one day you’ll feel comfortable enough to talk to me again. It’s been years since I heard your voice.”
I snorted. Me too. I turned the pad toward him.
Where can I change?
Wincing, Bane looked at me apologetically, arms out to his side. “Here.” I slumped back in my chair and bit the inside of my cheek while bundling the clothes in my arms. Turning away from the mirror, I picked the corner under the camera to give myself some semblance of privacy. I’d never been ashamed of my body; the johns who used me didn’t care what I looked like as I was just a hole to use to them.
But now I felt different. I didn’t want Bane to see how visible my ribs were or where my hips protruded. I didn’t want him to see the scars, cuts, and bruises that decorated my skin in a litany of my suffering.
You’re disgusting.
Worthless.
I ripped off the wet top and hauled on Bane’s massive hoodie. It swamped me, falling halfway down my thighs, and making me feel like a kid playing dress up. I kicked the sliders off my feet, followed by my wet pants, and pulled on the jogging bottoms, rolling them up at the waist to stop them from falling down, and slipped my feet into nearly new sneakers. Even without socks, they were the comfiest things my feet had felt in as long as I could remember.
“Done?” Bane asked where he stood facing the door. I coughed instead of answering, and the smile that lit up his face when he turned to look at me made all of this worth it.
Even if it wasn’t forever. Even if it was just for one moment.
I’d made him smile, and that meant more to me than anything ever had.