Chapter 13
CHAPTER
THIRTEEN
DILLON
I was a piece of shit. I knew it, but I had never been more disgusted with myself than I was right now. My heart was hammering its way out of my body whilst simultaneously breaking. I was a fucking mess. His soft cries sunk into me like claws, ripping me open and bleeding me dry.
“Fuck!” I ground out, making a table of students jump in their seats, their books and laptops flying. Normally, I’d find that kind of shit funny, but tonight, it made me feel hollow and worthless.
I punched open the doors so hard they crashed into the brickwork, and the glass panels shook as I exited the library. A group of kids dived out of the way as I stormed towards them. I couldn’t breathe as the suffocating vise around my lungs grew tighter and tighter.
My legs felt shaky and uncoordinated as I tried to block out the sounds of the world around me and focus on the rise and fall of my chest with each inhalation. I needed to trust in my body, that it was doing what it was meant to. Otherwise, I would spiral too far, and I wouldn’t be able to bring myself back. There were far too many people around for a Friday evening. Didn’t these people have lives they could be off living, instead of being here pushing me closer and closer to the point of no return?
The smell of damp soil saturated my senses as I fell to my knees under the cover of the trees, far from prying eyes. My fingers dug into the earth, gouging tracks into it as I braced myself on my elbows. The first garbled cry tore its way out of my chest, dragging my shattered heart with it. Maybe it would be a good thing if I killed that useless muscle now as it would save me from suffering this kind of torment again. I wasn’t a masochist. I didn’t enjoy pain, but I understood it. I understood suffering and faking it every day.
Hargraves didn’t do therapy. The one time I told my dad I thought I was suffering from panic attacks and anxiety from Mr. Abernathy’s attack, he laughed in my face and called me weak.
“What the hell is wrong with you, boy?” he ground out and grabbed me by the front of my Henley. “Real men don’t cry like little pussies, do they?” His stale breath made me want to vomit, but I swallowed it down.
“N-no, sir.” I sniffled.
“Then what’s all this on your face?” He wiped away my tears, looked at his glistening fingers with disdain and smeared them across my face. “Are you a little girl? Or are you going to be a real man?”
“I’m a man,” I choked out, my throat feeling like cut glass as the anxiety inside me swelled like a savage storm. “B-but, Dad, it keeps happening.” A fresh wave of tears spilled down my face as shame set in.
“You’re a man, are you?” He shoved me back and laughed, mocking me as I stumbled over. My skin was crawling, like a million needles were sinking into my skin. “You’re weak,” he spat. “Pathetic. No son of mine.”
“No… Dad.” I crawled after him, latching onto his pant leg. “Please, mom said maybe I should talk to someone.”
“What the fuck?” His fingers sunk into my hair as he yanked my head back so he could stare into my eyes. “Listen to me, and listen good. Hargraves don’t do therapy. It’s a load of poppycock.”
“Y-yes, sir,” I murmured, even though every breath was a losing battle.
“Now suck it up. Lock it down, and get up. Today is the day you become a man.”
The bark bit into the back of my head as I sucked in deep inhales and rejoiced as I felt my lungs finally inflate. The rush of oxygen to my brain made me feel like I was floating, and I grabbed on to the emotional reprieve with both hands for however long this fleeting moment would be.
My phone vibrated in my pocket, and the world snapped back into focus around me. Fuck. I hated myself, but this was for the best. I had to get him to leave. I mean, what did Jamie expect by strolling back into my life after five years like nothing had happened? That I’d fall to my knees and worship the ground at his feet? Hell, no. Too much time had passed. There was too much stagnant water under that bridge, one I wasn’t prepared to cross to find out his truth. Nah. The safest thing to do was blow it up and save myself.
The screen lit up to show eight missed calls and a message.
Cory
He lives in the dorm block next to yours. Room 301. Here on a full scholarship, but there are no transcripts from previous schools. No address history. Nothing. Your boy is a ghost.
Thanks. Keep digging.
“What in the actual fuck. Nothing makes any sense.” I sighed and scrubbed my hand down my face, dirt and grit biting into my skin. I probably looked worse right now than when I walked off the field at the end of a game. Brushing that thought aside, I hauled my ass up and brushed myself off. My stomach rumbled and exhaustion draped itself over me like a second skin. It was a feeling I was used to, but my blood still felt electrified after that kiss, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep. The best thing I could do now was head to the gym and lose myself in the burn of my muscles until I couldn’t stand. Working myself to the point of passing out might not be healthy, but it was the best damn coping mechanism I had and no one could tell me otherwise.
The walkways around this part of campus were all but deserted this time of night. I mean, who the hell wanted to be around here at ten on a Friday night? Not anyone with sense. It was a peaceful evening with a slight chill in the air that signaled fall was nipping at summer’s heels. I pulled my hood up and toyed with the drawstrings when a shuffling figure caught my eye.
Concealed by the shadows of the arts building, I held my breath as I watched the lone figure stumble along. They weren’t walking like they were drunk; maybe they were under the influence of something else? I wouldn’t be surprised—it was easy enough to get your hands on any type of drugs you wanted in a place like this. All you needed were the right connections.
A cold gust of wind smacked me square in the face and carried with it the wet sniffling sound of someone crying. Something in my heart lurched at the sound as an echo of Jamie’s soul-shattering cries from the library filtered through me. My breath caught when the figure moved through a pool of light cast by the street light that illuminated the walkways. Golden curls glinted like sunbeams before being lost to the darkness once again.
My feet moved without conscious thought as I trailed my little crow across campus. Concealed by the shadows, he’d never know I was watching over him. If he felt my presence, he never acknowledged it. I loved him and hated him in equal measure. I wanted to make him mine and never let him go as much as I wanted to bury him and never see him again. But this innate part of me wouldn’t relinquish his safety to anyone else. If he got hurt, it would be because I hurt him. If anyone else tried, they’d pay with their fucking life.
The parking lot by our dorms came into view, the bright hive of activity a stark contrast to the rest of campus. People went to and from their dorms, some on nights out with friends or going on dates, and others coming back inebriated or having just finished a shift. I’d had a job my first two years here, but now I’d made the varsity team, I wasn’t allowed. I was singularly focused on the team and my performance. At least, I was meant to be. But I knew how fickle an athlete’s career could be, so instead of taking easy electives or general studies, I was taking nutrition and sports management. It offered me a number of avenues if I wasn’t drafted or ended up with a career-ending injury.
Jamie’s head snapped up, and he looked in my direction. My heart worked its way up my throat at the thought of him seeing me here. He discreetly wiped at his face with the sleeves of his oversized hoodie, ran his fingers through his hair, and pasted a plastic smile on his face. A growl rumbled in my chest as envy swamped my senses. Who could pull that smile from him?
I gritted my teeth and locked my jaw to prevent myself from calling out to him and making myself known. My blunt nails dug into my palms as I clenched my fists. Adrenaline flooded my veins. I was ready to take out anyone who dared touch him. “He’s fucking mine.” A random girl walking past gave me a double take when she heard my harsh words. Luckily, my face was hidden so she had no idea who I was.
It was like watching a car crash in slow motion. You knew the inevitable sucker punch was coming but sheer morbid curiosity made it impossible to look away. Copper burst across my tongue and seared my taste buds as I watched Jamie be enveloped in arms that weren’t mine.
Fuck, it hurt more than I’d ever admit.
The blond guy from earlier buried his face in Jamie’s hair. I was too far away to tell if they were talking, or if he was still crying or not. They swayed on the spot like they were dancing to music only they could hear. It was painful. Torture. The guy stepped back and cupped my little crow’s face, cradling it like it was something precious. His thumbs swiped across his cheeks, removing the tears I put there.
I could still smell his sweet caramel scent. Feel the tentative brush of his lips against mine. Feel his slender toned body against mine, underneath mine. He was at my mercy, and I took everything I could in one stolen moment. One mistake. Minutes I’ll never get back, ones I should forget, but I’ll hold on to for the rest of my life. Nothing has ever felt as right as that kiss did. But this is real life, not a place for dreams… no matter how much I might wish things were different.
“You’re a worthless piece of shit, Dillon,” I reminded myself. I was the devil to Jamie’s angel. He was my balance, my missing piece. Without him, I would sink and drown in the darkness I fought so hard against until one day it consumed me.
Blondie said something that made Jamie laugh, the lilting chuckle all I could hear. He sprung up onto his tiptoes and wrapped his arms around the guy who—unbeknownst to him—was now number one on my shit list. I prayed Cory found some dirt on him, and I could unleash my temper on a worthy target. It took everything in me to keep my feet glued to the spot as they walked toward the dorm building next to mine, arms wrapped around each other, like a couple. Objectively, they looked good together. If I had anything to do with it, they never would be.
“Fuck this,” I gritted out and stormed into my building, deciding to take the stairs to my room. I didn’t want to see anyone on a good day, let alone having to describe why I looked ready to commit murder. This wasn’t the field; that look would raise all kinds of red flags. Unfortunately for me, the world decided to shit on me as I reached the landing at the top of the stairwell.
“Well, if it isn’t Mr. Perfect.”
“Get lost, Chad. I’m grabbing my stuff before heading to the gym. Maybe you should think about getting a workout in,” I snapped and eyed his bulging gut.
He snorted. “Don’t think so. I’ve got a free ride on the team.”
“Nobody’s place is guaranteed. You know that. You think your money keeps you safe?” Chad smirked before taking a swig from his beer. He thought he was untouchable. I stepped closer to him, and the stench of booze coming off him turned my stomach. “Well, let me tell you a little secret, Chad. Your time is running out with Coach. One more fuck up, and you’re history.”
“Fuck you, Hargraves.”
I should have seen it coming, but my brain was sluggish and hazy from my panic attack, delaying my reactions. When the pain exploded in my cheek, I felt the impact in my teeth. Blood coated my tongue. I dragged it across my teeth, staining my gums red, and bared them at Chad. “Is that all you’ve got?” I raised my hands and made a come hither motion, begging him to take another shot before I annihilated him and put the prick in his place. “What are you waiting for?” I taunted and licked my lips. “Are you afraid?”
“Why would I be afraid of someone like you?” he sneered and looked down his nose at me.
“You should be very afraid, my man.” Buchanan’s voice cut through the air with a level of confidence I could only envy in my manic state. “You know Cap’s undefeated. If you’ve got a score to settle, or just fancy gettin’ your ass handed to you like the little bitch you are, Chad, I suggest you speak with Vieck about the next fight night.”
“Yeah, sure.” Chad scoffed and stepped right up to me, his nose a hair’s breadth from mine. “We’re not finished here.” His finger jabbed into my sternum.
“I think you’ll find we are,” I spit, watching with satisfaction as some splattered on his face. “The next time you want to take a swing at me, you’ll be looking up at me from the flat of your back, Chad.”
“Whatever.”
“Nah, man. That’s a promise.”
“Fuck you,” he snarled as he headed down the stairs.
“You’re not my type. You’re pathetic.” I flinched as the words left my mouth, my Dad’s voice on a continuous loop in my head. “Fuck!” My hand snapped out, and the drywall buckled under the unrelenting pressure of my fist. I didn’t feel my skin shred until Buchanan pulled my hand out of the wall.
“Seriously? You let that dick get to you?”
I shook my head. “Wasn’t him.” I grunted as he slowly pulled bits of board from my skin.
“Then what was it?”
“Don’t wanna talk about it. Heading to the gym.” I tried to pull away, but Buchanan’s grip tightened. Rage and self loathing surged through my veins. I was at the brink of no return, and I needed to burn off the adrenaline I was drowning in or I’d make a stupid mistake like finding Chad and beating the living shit out of him. “Get off. I need to run this off, B.”
Buchanan released a weary sigh and let me go with a shake of his head. The look in his eyes told me he understood what I couldn’t put into words. I had my hand wrapped around the door handle when I heard him say, “This isn’t over, Dillon.”