Chapter 14
CHAPTER
FOURTEEN
JAMIE
“ I swear someone was following me, Mal.” I sniffed as he guided me into our building. The warmth from his hand at the small of my back radiated into my chilled skin, even through the layers of my clothes. The bright light stung my sore eyes, every blink like sandpaper. I wished the tears would stop falling, but they had a mind of their own. I wasn’t weak. I hated that people could see me like this. That Mal saw me like this.
Everyone relied on me to be their stronghold in a storm. I was the one who brought the sunshine on their darkest days, who could be relied upon to help take care of people and fix their problems. Putting everyone before myself made me feel like I was neglecting the broken parts of me that desperately needed someone to take care of. But inevitably, no one really cared. I never wanted anyone to feel the way I did.
“It’s alright, Jamie.” The soft tone of Mal’s voice was comforting, and the fact he believed me without question helped ground me. “Let’s get you back to our room and into bed. Unless you want a shower first?”
I didn’t know what I wanted. I couldn’t focus on anything, as my mind was racing a mile a minute. “I…umm.” My teeth clacked together as another full-body shudder worked its way through me.
“You don’t need to decide now. Let’s just get you inside and warmed up.” I caught the concern in his eyes and the slight downturn of his lips.
“Okay.” I didn’t realize we were back in our room until he gently pushed me down onto my bed and pulled off my shoes.
“Arms.” I lifted my arms as he slipped my bag off and placed it on my desk. Tilting his head, Mal looked me over and nodded before disappearing into the adjoining bathroom. “I’ll get the shower started. You think about what movie you want to watch when you get out, okay?”
Tears trickled down my cheeks, showing no sign of stopping any time soon. I was almost numb to them now. I sucked in a shuddering breath and blinked myself out of the daze I was lost in. Moving on autopilot, I folded my hoodie and put it on my chair, kicked off my jeans, deposited them in the hamper, and grabbed my fluffy rainbow kitty pjs. A ghost of a smile flickered on my lips as my fingers toyed with the fluffy material.
“You good?” Mal asked, concern threading his tone as I slipped past him. I nodded mutely, clutching my pjs tightly to me. “I’m gonna go grab us some drinks and something for you to eat. I’m assuming you didn’t eat?”
Guilt churned in my gut. “I’m not hungry, but I’d take a hot cocoa with?—”
“Marshmallows and cream? I got you, boo.”
“Thank you…” my words trailed off into the silence as the door clicked shut, and I was left alone with my thoughts and broken heart.
The hot spray of water pounded against my cold skin, goosebumps chasing the droplets as they fell over me. I allowed myself this moment, this quiet reprieve to open the locked box in my mind and replayed every memory of my time growing up with Dillon. His open smile. Every kind word he whispered in my ear. Every time he showed me what I meant to him without words. What it felt like when he finally kissed me. Then, I added my second kiss with him and slammed the lid shut, vowing as my eyes fluttered closed I would never open it again.
I was finally starting to find my feet at Briar U, considering the first two weeks fried my brain and put me through an emotional wringer. High school had been a breeze by comparison, but I was never one to back down from a challenge. I’d promised Mom I would live my life to the fullest and not shut myself away after she was gone. It was the easiest promise to make, but the hardest one to keep. But I owed her everything, and I refused to renege on the last promise I made the woman who gave up everything for me.
“You’re going to come tonight, aren’t you, JJ?” Mal asked, falling into step beside me as I left calculus and merged with the flow of bodies heading outside. The temperature had dropped over the last few days, and the first leaves had started to turn golden brown.
“Tonight?” The wind whipped around us, nipping at my skin. I wrapped my jacket around me, my arms hugging my chest as I tried to remember what was happening tonight but kept coming up blank.
“Yes.” His chuckle made my lips quirk. I peeked up at him through my lashes and caught his indulgent eye roll. “You’ve forgotten, haven’t you, little bookworm.”
I shrugged and shook my head because, yeah. “Maybe.”
“There’s no maybe about it.” He poked my side. “I can tell by the color of your cheeks that you did.” I snorted and bit back a smile. “Every time you lie, you go as red as a tomato.”
“I do not.”
“Oh yes, you do.” He held open the door to Bean There for me, and the blast of heat that hit as we stepped inside was more than welcome. “She’s over there.” Ava sat at a table in the back corner, waving like a maniac at us with three steaming cups in front of her.
“If it isn’t my favorite two people.”
“Hello, rainbow fairy,” I said as I wrapped my arms around her petite frame before slipping into my seat and shucking off my coat.
“He forgot, Aves,” Mal said as he slipped in next to me. The look of outrage on Ava’s face was enough to have me breaking into a laugh.
“How?! Why? Do you not love me?” she chastised. “My little angel, tonight is going to be so much fun. I promise.”
I must have looked as confused as I felt, because Mal said, “You remember when I said Ava was president of the LGBTQ+ club?”
“Mhmmm.” I hid behind my latte, taking a long, drawn-out sip before I could face the incredulous looks on their faces. “I’m sorry, I’ve had a lot going on… it’s been a bit of an adjustment.”
“Sure. Sure.” The weight of Ava’s probing eyes on me made me shrink back into my seat. “Anyway, it’s the first mixer tonight where all the members get together. It’s nothing formal, just a group of us with drinks, nibbles, and some music.”
“Gives us a safe space to be ourselves and talk to like-minded individuals without fear of judgment or reproach,” Mal added.
“And you think I need to go?” I toyed with the zip on my bag, refusing to meet their eyes, knowing what I’d see.
“Yes.”
“I think you do,” they said simultaneously.
“Oh.”
“JJ, my angel.” Ava’s hand landed on mine, giving it a motherly squeeze. My shoulders sank as I finally met her dark eyes. “We all know about your unending crush on he who shall not be named, ” she said, using her fingers for air quotations.
“I… I’m not…” I licked my lips, trying to find the right words. “I’m not denying that, and it’s not that I’m not out, per say. I’ve never said either way, other than to my Mom.” Those words hurt more than I wished to admit. “But I’ve never…”
“Never what, Jamie?” Mal’s soft voice made my cheeks heat.
“I’ve never felt that way or even a remote flicker of feeling toward anyone but him .”
“And there’s nothing wrong with that,” Ava said in the no-nonsense voice she got when she was about to go to battle on something she felt passionate about, but Mal cut her off.
“Aves is right, there isn’t. It could mean a few things, to be honest.” He waved his hand in front of me before closing his thumb. “One: it could be that you’re still in love with him and refuse to look elsewhere.” He put down his index finger. “Two: you simply might not have found someone who gives you butterflies. So, tonight might be a great opportunity for you.” His middle finger lowers. “Three: you might not feel that spark of connection with someone?—”
“You saying I might be demi?”
“It’s a possibility.” He spread his hands wide. “I can’t tell you, but what I—ouch! Why did you kick me, Ava?”
“We!”
Mal cocked his head to the side and looked at her before understanding bloomed on his face. “What we can do is be here to support you and answer any questions you might have.”
“Exactly! That’s what BFFs do, Jamie.”
Emotion burned the back of my eyes. I tried to blink it away, but the world turned hazy, and my throat was thick. “T-thank you.”
“So you’ll go?” Ava bounced in her seat, unable to contain her excitement.
“Yes, I’ll go.”
They fell into conversation about what the plan was for tonight. I nodded and hummed at what I hoped were the appropriate times, but I didn’t hear a word. A feeling I couldn’t name took root inside me, consuming all of my attention. We ordered lunch and set in place a study plan for the rest of the week, but it was like I wasn’t really there. Before I knew it, we were heading out for the last classes of the day.
The wind picked up while we were at lunch, and the sky was blanketed with tumultuous dark clouds. A trickle of foreboding skittered down my spine, making the hairs at the back of my neck stand on end.
“Excuse me, are you Jamie Bowen?”
I spun around to see a guy dressed all in brown holding a package. “I… um… yeah?”
“Could you sign here, please.” An electronic device materialized in his hand as he gave me the parcel. I signed, although it didn’t look anything like my signature and handed it back to him. “Thank you.”
“What’s that?” Ava peered at the box in my hand before poking it with her finger. “Kinda fancy having something hand delivered to you and not left in your mailbox.” I didn’t miss the hint of accusation in her tone.
“I haven’t got a clue. Maybe it’s because I needed to sign for it?”
“I doubt it. The guys on the desk normally sign for everything then keep a copy or photo on record as proof of receipt.”
“Let him open it, Ava, before you launch an acquisition,” Mal joked, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and steering her toward one of the benches lining the sidewalk.
I sighed and followed after them. The sensation of being watched had me looking over my shoulder, but I couldn’t see anyone looking directly at me. Groups of students stood around chatting, not paying me any attention. I shook it off and went and sat with my friends, turning the box over in my hands. “Anyone got anything that will open this?” The inconspicuous brown box was tapped up so well, I’d never be able to get into it without a hell of a lot of help.
“Here, use this.” Mal produced a small penknife. “Don’t ask,” he said when I raised my brows at him in question. I shook my head and sliced the tape at the edges and then along the top where the top pieces had been pulled together.
The unmistakable weight of someone’s gaze on me flared, and my stomach felt like it was filled with wasps. I darted my eyes around, and they snagged on a group of jocks standing over by the main quad. It seemed like they were looking everywhere but me on purpose, their posture too stiff. Everything about that group felt off. Was I on to something, or was it my overactive imagination?
“Are you going to open that, or what?” Ava goaded me, eliciting a laugh from me.
“I was waiting to see if you got impatient enough to do it yourself.”
She scoffed and crossed her arms as Mal leaned over the back of the bench, curiosity etched in his features. “Hurry up. Don’t keep us waiting.”
Exhaling, I brushed away the feeling of apprehension and pulled the box open. A loud bang boomed and echoed through me like I’d been shot. A scream pierced my ear drums and everything went dark for a split second as the whole world disappeared.
“Holy shit.”
“Jamie, are you alright?” Trying to hear past the ringing in my ears was almost impossible, like I was on the other side of bulletproof glass. My body vibrated as adrenaline surged through me. My hands were shaking so much, the slick box slipped from my fingers. I tried to open my eyes, but thick viscous liquid covered my features and glued my hair to my face. The heat of it had my gut churning and bile sitting on my tongue.
“I-I-I… c-can’t open m-my eyes,” I managed to get out between the chattering of my teeth. I licked my coated lips and copper burst across my tongue.
“Shh, it’s okay. I’ve got you, Jamie.” Mal’s soft voice became clearer the longer he spoke to me in his calm, comforting tone. “Just stay still, and don’t move, alright?” There was a rustling noise, like someone was removing clothing. Something soft brushed over my face, making me flinch. “Keep still, JJ, I’m just cleaning you up a bit.”
Cleaning me up? Why? What was going on? Seconds stretched into minutes, and even though I couldn’t open my eyes, they itched and burned. My breathing grew faster and faster, my chest tight like a weight sat on my lungs.
“There you go. Try to open your eyes now?”
Tentatively, I peeled my eyelids back. Black dots burst across my vision as the bright glare from the sun made me squint. “W-what happened?” I lifted my hand to my face, the tremor running through it made it hard to control. “What’s that?” I hissed as I stared at the deep red staining my fingers. “Is… is that b-blood?” I skewed my eyes shut and sucked in a few deep breaths before opening them again, praying I’d been having a nightmare. My hand was still red, and whatever it was, was quickly drying on my face. “Mal? Ava?”
An arm wrapped around my shoulders as a shudder racked my body. “I don’t know, JJ,” Ava said gently, turning me to face her. Concern clouded her eyes as she wiped her thumb over my brows.
“Is it paint?” I shook my head. It was too dark, too thick. “B-blood?”
“No. Well, not real blood,” Mal said, staring at his stained T-shirt clutched in his hands. “I called the SRO to come speak to you about this.” I shook my head. I didn’t want anyone to know about this. It was embarrassing. Humiliating.
“Jamie, there’s a note,” Ava said, a hysterical lilt to her voice.
I grabbed it from the box sitting at my feet just as Mal said, “Don’t touch it!”
“Too late.” My voice was hoarse and strained. I picked up the red splattered paper and flushed hot and cold as the sprawled words on the note registered.
This is only the beginning.
Leave before it gets worse for you.
“What the hell does that mean?” The words carved their way up my dry throat. I looked at my friends, their expressions mirroring each other. Confusion. Anger. A touch of fear. “We need to go. I need a shower and get changed or I’ll be late for my class.”
“Jamie, do you think you’re in the right headspace to go?”
I flinched like I’d been hit at Mal’s words. Logically, I knew he didn’t mean it that way, but I was fine. Shaken, sure, but I had to keep going. That’s one thing Mom taught me; keep going in the face of adversity. Fake it till you make it.
“I’m fine.”
“Sweetie, you’re shaking like a leaf and crying.” I looked up at Ava and she nodded. “You are, JJ. I think you’re in shock.”
“I…” I didn’t know what to say to her. I couldn’t tell that I was, because I didn’t know how I felt. What did that mean? I huffed a breath and shook my head, dropping it so it hung between my shoulders and stared at the ground.
“We need to stay for the SROs before you can go.” I ignored Mal as he and Ava discussed what was best for me. My gaze wandered to the groups of people staring at me, taking photos and pointing. Some were laughing at my misery. Some looked shocked, but it was the group of cheering jocks that snagged my attention. They seemed far too happy with what happened, high fiving and slapping each other on the back.
Only one member of that group wasn’t joining in. His face was as white as a sheet, dark eyes clouded by shadows. He held my gaze for a few seconds before breaking our connection. Shoulders hunched, he turned and walked away, leaving me once again to stare at his retreating form. With his silent dismissal, I finally understood all the ways I could die while still breathing. Did he know this was going to happen?
It took nearly an hour for the SROs to document and interview me, Mal, and Ava before I was allowed to go back to my dorm and shower. Mal offered to come with me, but I insisted he should go to his class. It took far more convincing than I had the energy for, but finally, he relented and dragged Ava with him.
I desperately needed some time by myself to process what had happened. The SROs initially tried to say this was a prank gone a bit too far, but their attitude changed after reading the note and becoming increasingly concerned about what the red liquid was.
It felt like years had passed by the time I was opening the door to my dorm. All I wanted to do was fall face first into my bed and forget this day ever happened. But I couldn’t do that until I washed all this stuff off. It had partially dried and was so tacky it stuck to everything like glue. I managed to peel my top and jeans off, taking half my skin with them before a black envelope in front of the door caught my attention.
“Is this some kind of joke?” I bent down, snagged it off the floor, and flipped it over. It wasn’t addressed to anyone. Weird. I half considered dumping it in the trash and forgetting about it, but morbid curiosity drew me to it. The need to open it became more of a compulsion. Before I gave myself a chance to back out, I ripped it open and upended the contents on my bed.
Sensible? Definitely not, but I couldn’t help myself. “What the…?” I inhaled a sharp breath as four polaroid photos of me landed on my rumpled blankets. All taken here on campus, on different days. Some from far away, others from up close. A sick feeling revolted inside me as fear crawled over my skin and settled into my bones.
My hand shook as I dug my phone out of my bag. My brain screamed at me to call Uncle Daire, because what if this was him? What if he’d finally found me?
But what if it wasn’t? What if it’s another prank? Do you want to waste his time?
My legs gave out from under me, and I crashed into the floor. My phone skidded across the room and under my desk as I pulled my knees up to my chest and cried.