22. Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Two
Addy
I’m not okay.
Every time I close my eyes, all I can see is Blaze’s face hovering over mine, his lips brushing against my own. And then his look of horror as he pulled away. Which is why I’ve been avoiding him for the past two days since we got back from Hawaii, declining all his invitations to hang out and opting to spend time alone in my apartment instead.
My plane therapist would probably be so disappointed in me right now .
As much as I’d love to take her advice, confronting your feelings head-on is much easier said than done. I’m not really in the mood to embarrass myself anymore. I’ve done enough of that to last a lifetime already by asking Blaze to be my fake boyfriend, and then daring him to kiss me.
“We’re best friends. Best friends don’t kiss each other.”
His words replay like a broken record in my mind. Except, what he doesn’t seem to understand is that everything has changed for me. And I don’t know how to just be friends with him without it shattering my heart.
I sigh and open up my suitcase, finally tackling the unpacking I’ve been putting off.
“Maybe this will help me clear my head,” I mutter to myself. But as I pick up the little black dress out of my bag, I can smell Blaze’s cologne all over it, which serves as yet another painful reminder of the feelings I realized I still have for him. Only now, they’re like ten times as strong, and I still don’t know how to move forward.
Ugh .
I drop my little black dress back on the bed and collapse onto it, staring at the ceiling. And finally, for the first time since this whole thing transpired, I burst into tears, letting the heartache come in waves. It feels overdue, and I let myself cry until there’s nothing left. Then, I pick myself up, grab a Ben and Jerry’s out of my freezer, and head to the couch to lose myself in a movie.
As I take a seat, my phone vibrates. I cringe, expecting something from Blaze. But it’s not him. I take a long, ragged breath, and answer the call.
“Hey Penny,” I say weakly. “What’s up?”
“Girl, I haven’t heard anything from you since you left for Hawaii. I’ve been wondering how that whole fake dating thing with Blaze turned out. How did your family handle it?”
I’m silent for a few beats. And then, I burst into tears all over again.
“Oh my gosh, Addy! What’s wrong?”
I spend the next hour explaining every single little detail of the time I spent with Blaze. I sigh when I’m done. “I’m in love with him, Penny. I know I am. And after all this, I don’t know how to go back to just being his friend …”
“Okay, well,” Penny begins, sounding as shocked as ever, “it’s clear there’s something beneath the surface. Have you told him how you feel?”
“No. He’s made it pretty clear he doesn’t want to risk our friendship. I’m not sure I could handle being rejected anymore than I already have been.”
“Well, if he’s gonna kiss you and then try to go back to the way things were like nothing happened—it’s his loss. But you have to do what’s best for you and your heart. I think that’s the most important thing right now.”
“I’ve been dodging him so hard.” I sink lower into the couch cushions, my Ben and Jerry’s now thoroughly melty. “We usually see each other every day during the off-season.”
“Okay, so maybe it’s time to not see each other every day. I mean, it’s a little excessive to see each other that often anyway.”
“Well…” My voice trails off. “I guess.”
“Maybe you should tell him you need some space so you can move on.”
“He’s gonna freak out,” I say, chewing on my lower lip. “He’s been afraid of ruining our friendship—that’s been the theme of this whole thing.”
“He shouldn’t have kissed you then. He broke his own freaking rules, Addy. That’s not your problem. Your problem is now your hurting heart, which is a big deal. He led you on. So it’s understandable why you feel the way you do.”
“I guess so,” I say quietly. “I already told him I wasn’t going to Dylan’s party tonight. But maybe I should go so I can talk to him about needing some space to get over him.”
“No,” Penny counters. “Bad idea. You need to talk to him in private because you have no idea how the conversation will go. For all you know, he might decide that he’s in love with you, too, or he might get angry. You don’t want to make a scene in front of all your friends. It’s better to deal with these things in private.”
My heart thumps with anxiety as I think about broaching the subject with him in general—and the prospect of him sharing the same feelings. “This is stressful.” I brush my hair out of my face. “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost Blaze’s friendship.”
“You’ll just have to make new friends. You’ll have to come up with some way to get over him. Maybe try some of those speed dating events around town. You might find the man of your dreams. For all you know, Blaze is just the stepping stone to get you to the one.”
“Okay, woah. Let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves…”
She laughs. “You’re going to be okay, Addy. You just have to tell yourself if it’s meant to be, it’ll be—and if it’s not, you’ll be just fine. That’s how these things work. We don’t get to decide what is or isn’t. Whatever will be will be.”
“Wow, you should make some of those motivational posters.” I giggle. “I feel you have a gift.”
“It’s all the time I’ve spent scrolling through Instagram lately. Apparently, my algorithm thinks I need a lot of motivation.”
“You’re literally the best,” I say, breathing out a sigh. “Maybe everything will be okay.”
“It will be, Addy. I promise.”