35. Trace
TRACE
I watch her walk away and wonder what the fuck I'm doing with my life. I'm ashamed of the way I treated her, but I'm also trying to protect myself and my feelings. I've been hurt enough by people I should've been able to trust. If we hadn't been placed in this situation, we wouldn't be here, I have no doubt about that. Everything within my body screams for me to follow her, but I can't seem to make my feet move. I've begged others to be in my life, and they ended up disappointing me. When that happened, I decided I was going to refuse to let others do that to me again. I'm beginning to think it might be to the detriment of what I could have, instead of what I do have. Especially as I watched her walk away.
"What was that noise?" Dad asks as I come down the stairs, ready for a fucking drink.
"My wife and I had a disagreement."
"Did I hear her leave?"
I don't wanna answer that question. If I do, I feel like it makes me a quitter. Ignoring him, I head toward the kitchen, but this time I'm bypassing the fridge. Instead of grabbing something to eat, I grab a bottle of dark liquor, along with a small glass. Slamming the glass down on the counter, I pour a shot, and then tilt my head back to let it slide down the back of my throat. Two more, and then I'm prepared to answer him. "She did leave."
"What does that mean for us?" Dad asks.
It's as if this involved him and only him. Not as if my wife just left me. Not as if I've just lost another person in my who I thought I could count on. Story of my fucking life, apparently. I'm destined to be a loner. The type of person who does fine by themselves, but as soon as someone else shows up they take the air out of the room. It's as if I'm not even there, and then when they leave I'm left again. "I don't know Dad," I put my hands on my hips before I pour another shot and tip it back. "Seems like she doesn't wanna be here, and since neither of us are really privy to the contract you signed...you tell me."
His eyes are fiery and pissed as he looks at me. "How dare you let her leave? How dare you make a decision without consulting us first?"
I take another shot, not interested in his bullshit. "You didn't consult me, now did you? Seems to me like you're getting a dose of your own medicine. What do you want me to do?"
"Go fucking find her."
"I have no idea where she went. Who does she know here? She hasn't talked to her family since she came to live with us. I can't even make an educated guess on where the hell she may be. So you're guess is as good as mine. I couldn't make her stay, and I refuse to track her down..."
Dad looks at me, his gaze burrowing deeply. "You're gonna track her down, and you're gonna bring her back here. There's no way we can make this work without her. People are giving us money because they believe we're stable and that means you're stable. The reason they're doing that? Because you're fucking married and the two of you gave an appearance of wanting to make this work in order for your marriage to prosper and grow. The two of you will fucking figure this out."
"Is that a threat?" I ask as I take another shot.
"If you wanna take it as a threat, then yes. It's a threat. We've got bills to pay, and you're going to help us pay them. Go find your goddamn wife."
He leaves, and I exhale deeply, throwing my shot glass at the wall. The sound of it breaking is the only thing that keeps me from raging harder than I already am. "What the fuck am I supposed to do, Ward?" I whisper as I look up at the ceiling. "You've gotta help me."
Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I see I've missed a dozen or so messages from Kyle. When I scroll back through them, I notice the first one.
K: Why the fuck is your wife at my door asking for a place to stay?
T: She and I got into a huge fight. I'm not even sure how it happened, but one minute we were talking rationally, and then we were screaming at each other.
K: Well she's here so you can at least know she's safe. She can stay here, but I have to admit this makes me uneasy. I feel like a kid in the middle of an argument between my parents.
T: I'm sorry you got put there, but thank you for taking care of her.
K: No problem, take care of yourself too.
Slamming my phone down on the counter, I run my fingers through my hair, gripping the ends of it. This is the most infuriating thing I've been a part of. I finally let my fucking guard down, and now this happens. The one person I decided to let in? She's fucked me over the same way everyone else has.
Taking one more pull off the bottle, I head upstairs and go back to the shower I was going to take before all of this started. When I go into the bedroom, I'm looking for her, can smell her in every nook and cranny. It's weird how quickly someone can imprint themselves on your life. How it can start out with neither one of you knowing each other, and then that person becomes someone you count on being there.
The room is quieter than it has been since she showed up, and I'm not used to it anymore. Instead of the dark hole this place has been for most of my life, she turned it into a place I enjoyed coming to. For the short while she's been here, she turned it into a place of comfort and compassion. Now that's gone, and I don't know what to do with it. Don't know how to handle myself without her, and damn near blame myself for all of this. Although I realize the people to blame are the ones who put us in this situation to begin with.
Our parents.
And if I'm being honest, what the fuck do we do with that? It's never going to be that we fell in love and decided to get married. We're always going to have this held over us, and I don't know how to overcome it. Especially if she's not here with me. She said all these big things about us being together and not letting our parents dictate our lives. Now here she is, not here to fight this with me.
Stepping into the shower, I let the hot water pour over me, hoping like hell it can wash away how shitty I feel about myself. And how shitty this situation has been for the both of us. Instead of going to bed with her tonight, I'm stuck wondering what in the fuck we're going to do, and how we're going to fix this.