Chapter 20
CHRIS
Working with Ed and Freddy had been easy.
They jumped at the opportunity to bring money flowing into the town and the county.
Even though they both tried to bend over backwards for me, I always made sure everything was above board.
It wasn’t that the two men were corrupt, but they were willing to look the other way to make sure my investment happened.
The demolition of the old structure had mostly already been accomplished.
The metal building had put up almost no fight before it came tumbling down.
But the foundation wasn’t worth keeping.
It was unfortunate, because that could have saved me money.
But I didn’t care about the money, not after what I had already put Beth through.
But it wasn’t enough for me to just sit back and watch other people perform the work.
I helped out where I could during the day.
I left the heavy machinery to the professionals, but I had spent the day already collecting scrap metal from the site, tossing it into a wheelbarrow to bring over to the scrap bin.
I probably wasn’t strong enough for this kind of labor, but it gave my hands something to do and my mind something to focus on other than how badly I missed my wife.
As evening approached, though, I didn’t want to stop.
As the regular crew left for the day, driving the hour back to their home base, I stayed, turning on portable halogen lights so I could continue to work in the dwindling light.
I’d like to say I kept working because I wanted to see the project to completion faster, but the truth was I couldn’t face going back to the motel and being alone again.
At least with the sound of the jackhammer in my ears, I wasn’t thinking about anything at all.
The concrete was in a sorry state. The building was decades old and had suffered from neglect and abandonment.
All those rusted out holes in the metal building meant that water had a free way onto the floors.
The damage was significant. It wasn’t anything a building inspector would approve of in a structure like this one.
But I also wasn’t a professional jackhammer operator.
The rental yard hadn’t even asked me if I had experience before giving me a machine.
But there was something so freeing about it.
My hands were cramping. My muscles were protesting, but it didn’t matter.
The destruction I could cause with this piece of heavy machinery was so gratifying and in many ways so far removed from my normal life.
“I’ve got this,” I said as I positioned the jackhammer again, ready to bring it down on another section of the concrete.
It was difficult work, but satisfying. Each slab that broke into a dozen pieces was progress toward building something that actually mattered.
It wasn’t just about putting up a building in town for no reason, it was about giving back and supporting the person who had always given everything to me.
I had to keep reminding myself why I was here because it would have been so easy to slip back into old habits and go home.
The life I had made for myself wasn’t a bad life.
The penthouse was a beautiful place, a work of modern design.
But it wasn’t home. Not without Beth in it.
The dining table was too big. The bed was too big.
And the entire place was too cold and quiet.
I worked until long past dark. I barely noticed time passing. I was on a mission. it didn’t matter how much my muscles hurt. It didn’t matter how loudly I groaned when I lifted a fractured piece of cement. There was nothing that could keep me from continuing. Nothing but one thing, I supposed.
The sound of tires on gravel made my head turn on a swivel. I couldn’t see what kind of vehicle it was, with the headlights blinding me. But as soon as I saw the legs of a portly man climb out of the driver’s door, I knew it was Ed.
“What are you doing out her so late, Chris?” he called to me.
I put the jackhammer down and walked over to turn off the lights, to see his face better.
“Just working on the foundation. This slab is so bad it will need to come out in pieces. I didn’t think to bring a saw.
” The truth was, I was being stubborn, trying to hurry the project along.
I knew these things took time, but I was an impatient man when it came to my wife, something that was in direct contradiction with my business practice.
Ed came up close, glancing at the mess around me. “Well, you’ve made a lot of progress. But it’s late. I know it doesn’t look like it, especially in the dark, but there are people who live nearby and they’re trying to sleep.”
I frowned. I hadn’t considered that the sounds of demolition would bother people.
“I’m sorry. I was so lost in the work I didn’t think about the neighbors.
” That wasn’t true at all, but Ed didn’t know it.
I knew my noise was disturbing, but it was also soothing in its own way.
The roar of the machine canceled out all other thoughts.
And now that it was off, the sounds of the crickets seemed to be as loud.
“It’s not that I’m complaining, but the lady who runs the diner across the street lives upstairs. And then there’s an old widow down the hill. You just got to be careful, is all. We respect our neighbors here, and you need to as well.”
“I do respect them,” I said with a frown, feeling chastised when Ed was probably just making me aware.
It was a hard thing to let someone know they were making a mistake, but it had to be done.
I could appreciate it, and he did it without ruffling feathers too much, I supposed.
“I was trying to speed the process along, but I understand why that was a problem.”
“Why so fast?”
“It’s a matter of pride, I suppose.” I kicked at a piece of rubble with my booted foot. “I don’t want to get into my reasons. I’m just hoping to help this town the best way I can.”
Ed seemed to accept that, even though I could feel him studying me. “Well, maybe just don’t go past nine? You’ve been running the jackhammer since sunset.”
“I really am sorry,” I repeated, though it didn’t sound like much of an apology.
“Don’t mention it. And how are you doing out here on your own anyway? Do you need anything from the store or some help from town?”
“I’m fine.”
“You don’t have anyone to talk to.”
I shrugged, unable to answer. Ed wasn’t someone I could share my burdens with.
I barely knew the man, though we had done quite a bit of work in the last couple days.
I just wasn’t ready to talk to anyone about the mess my marriage was in.
So, I stayed silent, knowing the silence would say enough to him.
“Well, if you change your mind, give me a call,” he finally said with a nod. “I live down the way if you need a ride into town or someone to help clean up around here.”
“Thank you,” I replied. I didn’t know when I’d call for such things.
But maybe I would feel differently tomorrow morning.
I hadn’t planned on a project of this magnitude on my own, but I had thought the hired crew would have made more progress.
If I left the site to the crew, they might be done by this time tomorrow, maybe the day after, depending on how the concrete came out.
Ed walked back to his truck and started up the engine.
I didn’t want to see him go. I didn’t want to be alone again.
And yet, there was so much I couldn’t say to him.
There were parts of me that were better left in the dark right now, if only to preserve whatever dignity I had left.
So, I just watched as the red tail lights of his truck moved up the highway to his home.
The town wasn’t more than a blip in the dark landscape around me.
The moon shined down through the scattered clouds, giving enough light that I could see to pack things away.
I knew the motel would still have the office open at this time of night.
If I asked, they could let me know where to find an all-night diner where I could get some food.
I just didn’t want to see the disappointment in the woman’s eyes as I tried to pay with cash instead of a card.
But I had made my bed and now I had to sleep in it.
I couldn’t take the easy way out, and the money wasn’t mine to begin with.
Sure, I had earned it over the years, and it had always been at my disposal, but I didn’t want the easy route right now.
I had to suffer in some way, and the small sacrifices felt like nothing in comparison with the grand one I had made that drove me to this town.
Instead of jackhammering, I focused instead on cleaning up the mess I had created, filling the wheelbarrow with load after load of broken concrete and other rubble.
It would take several trips, but I knew I’d feel better seeing it all in the dumpster come morning.
And at least I wasn’t causing a ruckus with the heavy equipment in the middle of the night.
There was something satisfying in the ache in my body, though.
Every time I leaned down to pick up a piece of rock, it was a reminder of the life I was living now.
This was the complete opposite of my life in Seattle, and in a way, it felt freeing.
I was unrecognizable out here. There was no reputation I had to uphold.
It was just me and my work. The simplicity of it all made the struggle a little less painful, like I was chiseling away at the past and carving a new future.
By the time the site was as clean as it was going to get, I was soaked in sweat and dirt.
The cool night air helped, but the sweat stung the few places where my skin had split or been torn during the day.
The scrapes on my hands had gone past blisters and had started to bleed.
But I ignored it, as I was ignoring my entire being, in an effort to see this task through.
I packed up the jackhammer and made sure the site was safe before driving back to the motel.
The drive was quick. The parking lot was nearly empty.
But my room was the same as I left it, a solitary island in the night.
The silence in here was worse, because the crickets were nowhere near the room, and it felt as if the sound had been sucked into a vacuum.
As I got out of my clothes, the shower looked inviting and horrible at the same time.
It would feel good to wash off the filth and sweat of the day, but it also meant I’d be alone with nothing but my thoughts, the same thoughts I was running away from all day.
My hands trembled as I turned the tap, the water hissing in protest before a weak stream of water dripped out.
It felt colder than it was, the night creeping in with every second I was alone.
The hot water did little to soothe my body.
My muscles were strained in a way that sleep was going to be difficult, especially after my body cooled off.
There were plenty of over the counter options for me to use, but I didn’t have the energy to walk to the nearest all-night pharmacy, assuming there even was one.
So I laid down in bed in the dark and stared at the ceiling, my thoughts returning to Beth.
This was all for her. It had to be worth it.