Chapter 27
ASPEN
With every day that passes, I retreat further into myself. It’s been two months since I came home from the hospital, and yet my mind is locked in that burning building, fighting to get out. Gasping for air.
As I stand naked in front of the mirror, waiting for the shower to heat, I can’t stand the scars that will never fully go away. It took me a long time to be comfortable in my own skin. Oh, how I wish my biggest issue was having curves, the ones Ryder taught me to love.
Now, all I see is a broken doll. I find it hard to look at myself, and after Ryder saw my scars for the first time, I didn’t want to see that beautiful face marred by pity. That’s what I am now. Not the object of his desire. Just a girl to be pitied. A shell of the woman I used to be.
I’d do it all again to save him. That’s the hardest part of all this.
I’m pushing away the one person I couldn’t live without.
I’m suffocating a little more every day, and I don’t know how to get out.
I’m alone in this. My family doesn’t understand.
My co-workers go about their daily lives like nothing happened.
Venom still holds everything I want and can’t have.
Ryder didn’t challenge me when I said my days as his submissive were over.
I understand. I’m damaged, and I’m not sure if I can come back from it.
We barely talk. He’s giving me space, but part of me is heartbroken that he is.
I know it’s crazy. I asked for space. Demanded it when I’ve been too pathetic to face up to my new reality.
I’m jolted back to the sight of myself when a knock comes at the door. “Aspen, do you want to go out for dinner tonight?” He tries the door, knowing it’s locked.
“No. Can we just order takeout?”
“I can make us something.”
“Sure.” It’s all I can manage. He deserves so much better.
When I hear the door to our bedroom close behind him, I drop to my knees, silent cries racking my entire body.
I want to reach out to him. I miss his touch.
But above all, I miss how safe he makes me feel.
Sure, I gave him shit about being so overprotective, but in reality, it felt good to be loved so completely.
Now, I’m numb.
I hate it.
I’m not sure how long I sit on my heels, but I’m alone in the dark, its tendrils wrapping around my chest, constricting my air.
“Dinner is ready.” He doesn’t even try to come into the room, knowing I won’t let him anywhere near me. My burns are healed, but the red stain that mars my arm and shoulder is like a straitjacket. No matter how hard I try, I can’t break free of this prison.
“I’ll be out in a minute.”
I pull out a heavy sweater and leggings, making sure I’m completely covered before venturing out to the kitchen.
At this point, I’m surprised Ryder hasn’t sent me back to my old apartment.
This is a miserable existence. He sets the plates down on the dining room table, candles lit for ambience, but my anxiety spikes. “Please put them out.”
He follows my gaze to the innocuous candles in the middle of the table.
“Put them out!”
He rushes to the table, snuffing them out immediately, his face apologetic as his eyes find mine. “I’m sorry, baby girl.”
It takes me a moment to calm my breathing, and Ryder walks over to me, placing his hands on my arms. The arm. I shirk from his touch.
“Please don’t.” I cast my eyes to the floor.
“Don’t what? Love you? Try to care for you? What is it you don’t want from me, Aspen?” He’s a coiled spring, ready to launch or splinter into a million pieces.
“I can’t.”
“Talk to me!” he yells.
“Maybe I should go back to my place.”
“This is your place, Aspen. Don’t you get it? This is your home. I am your home now. We’re in this together, whether you like it or not.”
“I’m not the same person anymore. I’m… ruined. I don’t think I can be what you need me to be.” My heart cracks at the thought of losing him, but I’m doing it for him.
“Bullshit. Read the fine print. It’s my job to fucking take care of you.”
“I’m never going to be that woman again.”
“Get on your fucking knees.” I’m jarred by the command.
“What?”
“Did I fucking stutter? Get. On. Your. Fucking. Knees.”
“This isn’t a game, Ryder.”
“I’m not playing. I’ve given you space against my better judgment, but I have nothing to lose now.
If you’re going to walk away, I can’t stop you.
But if there’s even a shred of love left in your bruised and battered heart, then I’m willing to take the chance.
I’m a broken man without you, but I’ll scrape up the pieces and hold it together as best I can. ”
I’m frozen to the spot, the reality of this moment is terrifying me to my core. I’ve told him to leave me so many times over the past few months, and he has been steadfast throughout, but this is different. Final.
“Ryder.”
“It’s your choice, baby girl, because I am always going to love you, no matter the time, distance, or hardships that may come.
The one thing that will never change or falter is my love for you.
So…” He steels himself. “Leave or get on your knees.” His fists are balled at his sides, his jaw tight as he stares me down.
My pulse is racing, my heart thundering deep in my chest. I hold his gaze for what feels like a lifetime, knowing this decision will change my life more than the fire that has consumed me for months.
I drop to the floor with a sob, on my knees, a silent plea for forgiveness. I lower my gaze to the floor, bringing my hands up behind my head in the position. Tears spill down my cheeks before falling to the hardwood floor.
“Good girl.” Something in me breaks, and the dam I’ve been building bursts forth. Ryder drops to the floor in front of me and gently lifts my chin, forcing me to meet his gaze. The rapid rise and fall of his chest mirror my own as I continue to sob.
“I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“I’ve been so horrible to you. I’m scared that I don’t look like I did when we started dating. That I’m too broken to be what you need.”
“I need you, Aspen. That’s it. I need you to trust me to help you come back from this.
This isn’t about one night, Aspen. Venom isn’t enough anymore.
I want it all. I want you to be my full-time submissive.
We need this. You need this. I hope you can trust me enough to give me this chance to prove that I’m worthy of you. ” My heart starts pounding.
“What if I can’t be fixed? What if I’m never that woman again?”
“You’re not broken, baby girl. Maybe we’re a little battered and bruised, but we’re going to come out of this stronger than ever. All I want is for you to say ‘yes.’ To let me care for you the way you need to be cared for.”
“Are you sure? It’s a big commitment.” I would trust Ryder with my life, and I may not have been receptive to the idea at first, but it feels like a weight lifting off my chest.
“Positive. You’re the one, Aspen. I knew it the moment I met you. I didn’t want to drag you into my world, but I couldn’t resist. I promise to love you until my dying breath. Say ‘yes,’ baby girl.”
“Yes.”
“Come with me.” He stands, reaching his hand for me as I get up off the floor. Part of me wanted to stay there. It’s the first time I’ve felt like myself since this happened. He leads me down the hallway into our bedroom.
There’s a floor-to-ceiling mirror in the closet, and I realize what he’s going to do when he grabs a pillow off the bed and walks me in there.
“Kneel. You don’t have to put your hands behind your head, but I want you on your knees, now.”
“Yes, Sir.” It feels so good to say it. Like a river washing away my pain, dousing the flames that have engulfed my body, mind, and soul. He stands behind me before reaching for the bottom of my sweatshirt.
“Arms up.”
“Ry…”
“Arms up. That’s an order from your Dominant.” I do as he asks, my body trembling as he lifts it, discarding it on the floor before dropping to his knees behind me. I’m naked from the waist up, but it’s the most exposed I’ve ever felt.
“Look at yourself in the mirror, baby girl.”
“I don’t like what I see.”
“I’m going to show you what I see when I look at you.” It’s such a vulnerable place to be.
Ryder traces his fingers over my collarbone, his lips dipping to kiss my neck, sending a shiver down my spine. “Relax. You’re too tense.”
“I can’t.”
He moves to my left side, and suddenly, I’m laser-focused on where his hand ghosts a caress of my shoulder. “Does this hurt?”
“No.” My skin remains red, but the pain has subsided.
“Is this okay?” He leans in, ghosting a kiss on my marred flesh.
“You don’t have to…”
“I don’t do anything unless I want to. Look in the mirror.” I do as I’m told, my body vibrating with nervousness.
I watch his reflection press featherlight kisses over my shoulder before lifting my arm to his lips.
“When I see you, I’m so fucking proud of you and grateful for you.
Where you see scars, I see bravery. I see love.
” He continues his ministrations, not shying away from the redness.
“This is the mark of a warrior. You risked your life to save mine. For me, it is a badge of honor. You’re extraordinary. ”
“I…” Tears spill from my eyelashes. “You’re not disgusted by me?”
He stops dead in his tracks, his eyes finding mine in the mirror. “Is that why you’ve been pushing me away? Because you think I’m not attracted to you?”
“Yes.”
“You are mine. I love every inch of you. This doesn’t change that. You’re stunning, and you always will be.”
“But you’re a voyeur.”
“Yes, and when you’re ready, I’m going to take you back to Venom, up to the voyeur level, and I’m going to watch you strip for me before getting yourself off for all to see.”
“No one will want to see that.”
“You’re worried about what everyone else thinks?”
“I don’t want to embarrass you.”