Chapter 15
15
I walked around Juliette’s apartment, trying to find Ethan. After we’d had shots, we’d all gone back up to the party and he’d faded into the crowd. I wanted to talk to him. To carry on that conversation. To have him look at me again the way he’d been looking at me. I couldn’t get his words out of my head. I wanted to hear more. I couldn’t help it. It was like I was hooked on Ethan talking to me.
As I walked through a group of people, I finally spotted him.
And my heart sunk.
Ethan stood in a corner talking to a woman I hadn’t seen before. She was smaller than him, leaning against the wall as he stood close to her, talking into her ear. She was smiling up at him, a definite flirtatious look in her eyes. I stopped walking and watched. Ethan ran a hand through his hair and smiled back. That cute smile that he used when he talked to me. I was annoyed he was using it to talk to her. I wanted him to be talking to me. But I knew I hadn’t earned that right at all.
‘Go over there. ’
I jumped when Juliette was suddenly beside me. ‘I don’t want to interrupt.’
‘Yes, yes, you do,’ she said.
‘That would be selfish. I’m not ready for…’ I looked at her. ‘Joe hurt me so much; I wouldn’t want to ever hurt someone else like that. What if I hurt Ethan?’
‘I will kill you.’ She saw my face and she took my hand and squeezed it. ‘Ethan gets a say, Tessa. You haven’t told him you like him, so tell him and see what he says.’
‘It’s come out of nowhere.’
‘Has it?’ She tipped her head.
I bit my lip. I remembered Ethan that first day in the apartment walking out of the bathroom in just his towel. I could have turned around and gone straight back home. But I hadn’t. I told myself it was because of my career, that I needed to try to get inspiration from Paris, but maybe part of me had been intrigued to be in the space with Ethan. To share the apartment with him.
Maybe I wanted to get to know him.
‘When I came back,’ Juliette continued, ‘Ethan asked if he could stay with me. I said of course but did he really want to, and he said if you wanted him to go, he would, but he hasn’t turned up at my door with his suitcase, has he?’
I swallowed. ‘No. I didn’t ask him to go. I don’t want him to go.’
Juliette nodded. ‘And he doesn’t want to go either.’
I turned back to see Ethan looking over at us. I smiled at him.
Juliette kissed my cheek. ‘Go home, Tessa. I’ll call you tomorrow.’ She disappeared back into the crowd.
Taking a fortifying breath, I walked over. ‘I want to go home,’ I said to Ethan over the music. I could feel the woman he was with looking at me curiously. ‘Will you come with me?’
If he was surprised, he didn’t show it. ‘Meet me outside,’ he said before turning back to her. I nodded and set off, trying to hold back the nerves that suddenly fluttered through my body. There was a reason neither of us had run from sharing the apartment together. It thrilled and terrified me.
As I stepped outside the party, my phone buzzed in my bag. I looked at the screen. My stomach somersaulted. It was Joe.
Joe was calling me.
What the hell?
‘Tessa?’ Ethan was beside me then, noticing my stunned expression. I held up the screen so he could see. ‘Oh. Do you want to take it?’ he asked slowly.
I wavered. On one hand, I never wanted to speak to Joe again after how much he hurt me. But there was curiosity too. Why was he calling me now, after two months of no contact? I looked up into Ethan’s eyes. ‘No.’ I cancelled the call and put my phone away. ‘No, I want to walk home with you.’
Ethan didn’t say anything, but he held out his hand and I took it. We walked out of Juliette’s building together. Ethan’s fingers threaded through mine were warm, and they felt like they belonged in mine. It was comfortable, familiar, like we always walked holding hands. But they made me nervous too. Especially after that call from Joe. I had once imagined I belonged with him.
I stole glances at Ethan as we strolled in silence to our apartment. He smiled across at me. Relaxed, easy. Like this was nothing to be worried about. I felt calmer instantly. Being with Ethan was like putting drops of Rescue Remedy on your tongue.
‘Are you okay?’ he asked me. ‘About Joe calling you?’
‘I don’t understand why he was,’ I said. ‘I wish he hadn’t. Especially tonight.’ I wished I could stop myself from wondering what he was going to say to me. But it was there. I tried to focus on Ethan again. I knew that was the best thing for me .
‘This is complicated,’ Ethan said, shaking his head, but he kept hold of my hand as we reached our building. We walked up to our apartment and Ethan held the door open for me. He followed me inside and turned on a light. We took off our jackets and tossed them aside. And then we faced each other.
‘I don’t want him to come between us,’ I blurted out.
‘He’s already there though, isn’t he? I only first saw you because he brought you into that bar. I’m only here with you because of him…’ Ethan paused and walked to the sofa and sank down into it. ‘I wish we had met in a bar without him and that I’d been brave enough to walk up to you and tell you that you are beautiful, say sexy things in French to you, take you home and…’ He trailed off and my imagination went wild instantly.
What would he have done? What would I have wanted him to do?
I swallowed hard. ‘You were chatting up someone tonight.’
Ethan shook his head. ‘No. She came up to me. I have no idea why.’
‘Ethan, you know why. She was clearly flirting with you.’
‘I don’t think so…’
There it was. The same insecurities as me. I wanted him to know he didn’t need to feel that way even if I found it hard not to myself. ‘Don’t act like you don’t know you’re cute as hell.’
He raised an eyebrow. ‘I didn’t realise I was. Or that that’s what you thought.’
‘Do you like that I think that?’
‘Tessa,’ he groaned, like I was causing him pain.
‘We’re not here together because of Joe,’ I said firmly. ‘Juliette made me see. When I walked in and saw you here, I could have run back home. Or you could have.’ I went over and sat down next to him. ‘But we didn’t, did we?’
‘I liked the idea of getting to know you,’ Ethan said. ‘I wanted to help you. I still do. I don’t want you to ever be hurt again.’ He reached out and squeezed my hand. ‘And yeah, I like hearing that you think I’m cute. That you like my eyes and find it sexy when I speak in French. But I also know that you’re not looking for anything right now. And I don’t want to get hurt. And I sure as hell don’t want to hurt you. Maybe I should go and stay with Juliette. Maybe staying here, you and me, just isn’t a good idea.’
‘But I thought you wanted to kiss me too,’ I said, confused.
‘God, I do. There just seems to be a hell of a lot of reasons why we shouldn’t.’
Despite the situation, I giggled.
He smiled.
‘The thing is, you saying we shouldn’t kind of makes me want to do it more.’
Ethan cocked an eyebrow. ‘I knew you had a naughty side.’
‘Says the man who told me I needed to beg him to kiss me.’ Heat in my body was fast replacing nerves.
‘Hmm, but then you told me I was sweet.’
‘Sweet is good!’ I cried. Then the tequila shots mingled with my need to get closer to him made me feel fearless for a moment. I moved to sit astride his lap on the sofa. His breath hitched. ‘You are sweet and kind, and you have looked after me. I feel safe with you. And they are good things. And I know you think that means I don’t find you sexy, that I see you only as a friend, but that’s what I want right now. In fact, it’s probably what I should have been looking for all along,’ I said urgently, looking into his eyes.
His hands came up to hold my waist as I placed mine on his chest. I could feel his heartbeat as fast and hard as my own.
Ethan reached up to touch my lip. ‘I want you to want me. I want you to find me sexy. I want you to want me like I want you.’
It was my turn for my breath to hitch. I leaned forward to brush my lips against his.
He stilled .
‘I want you to kiss me.’
Ethan smiled slowly and I caught a naughty twinkle in his own eyes then. ‘I thought we already discussed this?’
I shook my head, but I smiled. ‘Shameless. Fine.’ I leaned forward and brushed my lips against his ear. Ethan’s hands returned to my waist, holding me tighter. ‘Ethan, will you please kiss me? I want you to. I need you to.’ I pulled back to look into his darkened eyes.
‘Tessa, with you on my lap looking at me like that, asking me to kiss you, I feel like the sexiest man alive,’ he said huskily. He reached up to brush my hair back softly, a smile playing on his lips. He put one of his hands under my chin and drew me back in. When his lips touched mine, I shivered. Ethan wrapped his arms around me and I hooked mine around his shoulders as my mouth melted into his. He kissed me slowly and deeply, murmuring as he pulled me closer, his tongue caressing mine. His hands moved up to my back, stroking me through my T-shirt.
I shifted myself forward on his lap and Ethan groaned into my mouth. I could feel him through my jeans and couldn’t resist rocking against him to help ease my own growing ache.
Ethan then broke away from my lips and dropped frantic kisses down my neck, making me shiver again. ‘We’re taking our time,’ he said softly, between kisses. ‘I’m not rushing this; I’m not messing this up.’
‘Hmmm,’ I said as his mouth came back onto mine. This time, the kiss was hungrier. I had wondered what Ethan’s kisses would feel like. And they felt like he was kissing a part of me that had never been touched before. Like deep in my soul. I could feel his kiss right down to the tips of my toes. I wanted to be closer to him. To connect with him like I never had with a man before .
I trembled as he pulled away from my mouth to kiss me softly on my cheeks, then my forehead, then my nose, then across my jaw. ‘It would feel good to speed it up a little bit though? Like your hands could be under my shirt right now,’ I whispered between his kisses. ‘Or you could just take it off.’
Ethan suddenly stood up. I clung with my legs around his waist. ‘I’m taking you to bed,’ he said.
‘That works for me,’ I replied, pulling him back for a kiss, but he just kissed me once then pulled away and carried me wrapped around him into the bedroom.
Ethan leaned down and slid me gently off him onto the bed. ‘Goodnight, Tessa,’ he said, looking down at me with longing in his eyes.
‘Goodnight? What do you mean?’
‘I should go,’ he said.
I looked up at him standing by the bed, straining against his jeans. I was breathless from his kisses. I was hot and horny. ‘Are you serious?’ I choked out.
‘Slowly,’ he said. ‘You need this to move slowly. We both do. I can’t… this can’t be a one-night thing for me.’
‘Oh.’ I couldn’t help it; I felt the sting of rejection.
It flooded back. How rejected I had felt when I realised Joe had been cheating on me. That he had taken her to that party. That when I said I was leaving him, he didn’t try to stop me. That he had chosen Rachel, not me. And here I was again. Ethan was turning me down too.
He must have seen the hurt look in my eyes because he climbed onto the bed beside me and took my hands in his, forcing me to look at him. ‘You felt how much I want you. But you’ve been so heartbroken, you can’t face writing about love any more. You just had a phone call from your ex. Who I’ve known since we were kids. It is complicated, even if we try to ignore that. That kiss was incredible. You are incredible. I don’t want to fuck this up.’
‘It’s not fair,’ I whispered then. ‘You’re only making me want you more saying that.’
He chuckled and I smiled. ‘You have no idea how much I want this. But I’m going to let you sleep now.’
I squeezed his hands to stop him letting go. ‘Will you stay? Just sleep with me again. Please. I really liked it.’
‘I did too,’ he said. ‘Okay, we can do that.’ He climbed off the bed. He took off his jeans and then pulled back the covers, climbing under in his T-shirt and pants. He looked at me. ‘Just sleep,’ he said, smiling at the look I was giving him. Because Ethan’s body was extremely appealing.
I sighed. ‘I promise. Just sleeping.’ I couldn’t help wanting to torture him a little bit though, like he had done to me. I got off the bed and stood by the side of it and pulled off my T-shirt. Glancing up, I saw that he was watching me. I unbuttoned my jeans and slid them off, so I was standing there just in my bra and underwear. I turned around, hearing him groan, and smiled to myself as I unclipped my bra and slipped it off, tossing it onto the floor. I walked to the chest of drawers to pull out a pair of pyjamas. Then I turned around.
‘Jesus, Tessa,’ Ethan said as I stood in front of him in only my thong.
‘What? I’m getting ready for bed.’
‘Come here. Please come here,’ he begged me. Then shook his head. ‘No, no, put the pjs on. I’m turning away.’ But he didn’t. He watched me as I slowly put the top on, buttoned it then pulled the bottoms on and up. When I’d finished, he exhaled loudly. He looked up at the ceiling. ‘I get how many points for that? ’
I laughed as I climbed into the bed. ‘You’re definitely going to heaven.’
‘I might already be there,’ he replied as I laid down beside him. He held up an arm and I scooted closer, snuggling up to his chest. His arm wrapped around me as if it had always belonged there. ‘You, though, are definitely going to hell.’
I burst into laughter and he chuckled. I was having such a good time with him.
‘I love hearing you laugh,’ he said into my hair as he held me against him.
‘I love that you make me laugh,’ I murmured back, already feeling sleepy.
This thing between us, whatever it would turn out to be, felt like a breath of fresh air.