The Reality Of It All

Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen

“Come on, Calla. We have to go.”

This time it was Eli badgering me to get moving and we were in the lodge, although my living room furniture had somehow made its way here. Everything felt just a little off.

I continued to search frantically. Whatever I was looking for stayed just out of reach of my mind.

“I’m almost ready.” My heart rate picked up as seconds continued to pass. Naturally, I couldn’t find what I needed. Was it my imagination or had the sun already dropped lower in the sky? How fast was time moving?

“I need to check my room!” I exclaimed.

But before I could race back to look, Eli grabbed me by both arms, halting me in place.

“Just let it go.”

I woke up and pressed my hand to my chest as I fought to anchor myself in reality. It wasn’t completely abnormal to have someone like Eli make an appearance in my dream. Sometimes random people would filter in and out, replacing Michael partway through.

But that was the thing .

Until now, my dreams always—and I mean always—included Michael.

I ripped the covers off me and went to the bathroom to wash my face. I only ruminated over the difference for a few minutes before I threw on a change of clothes and stuck my head out into the hallway. Empty. No sounds of any distant footsteps. I closed the door softly behind me. The lodge was completely silent.

Moving quickly, I turned a few corners until I was at our spot. My chest deflated at the sight of the empty space. Of course he wouldn’t be here. I hadn’t shown up the previous night, and we hadn’t made a different plan. We had barely had a chance to speak yesterday. Still, I had hoped I’d see him.

“You came.”

Gasping, I spun around to find Eli towering over me. He smiled, showing off that dimple that I had been missing. “I was worried you might have slept soundly again.” The tone of his voice told me he had never believed my lie.

“I’m sorry.” I nervously pulled down the sleeves of my oversized sweatshirt.

His mouth twisted into a puzzled frown. “Sorry for what?”

“For earlier. When you tried to talk to me after Sofia went off. I should have sat down with you—had a conversation. I-I was just a little shaken and I needed a second.”

“Calla.” He gripped both of my shoulders. “Don’t apologize for that. I just want to know if you’re okay. Rachel came and talked to me after she finished berating Sofia. She gave me the gist of what was said. You have to know it’s all complete and utter crap.”

I fidgeted with my hands. “I know she was just trying to get into my head.”

“Did it work?” he asked, tilting his head.

“Maybe a little,” I confessed .

“No, please don’t listen to her,” he groaned, dragging a hand across his face. “Trust me, I am not getting bored the more time I spend with you, or whatever the hell she said. In fact, it’s the exact opposite.”

His declaration sent my stomach into a tizzy, but it also tied my tongue. “It’s just—there’s been a lot going on. I’ve been all over the place today.”

“I wish I could have been with you all day.” Eli lowered his head and met my eyes.

“Actually, Grant gave me some really good advice earlier. I’m glad we got to work together.”

Eli shook his head and scowled. “ Grant gave you good advice? Now I really am nervous.”

I shrugged. “He’s not so bad.”

“I’ll have to take your word for it,” he said, unconvinced. “But you’d better have been joking about picking him at the end of this thing because, spoiler alert, I won’t take that well.”

He stared down at me for another moment and giddiness simmered in my chest. The way he looked at me might scare me, but it also made me feel lucky. Like no matter who walked by Eli wouldn’t even notice as long as I was in front of him.

“Hey, can I show you something?” he asked, his eyes alight with excitement.

“Um, sure?”

Eli snatched my hand and led me back down the hall in the direction we’d just come from. But instead of turning toward our rooms, he continued straight ahead.

My hand in his felt undeniably right. These stolen moments had me questioning my initial resistance. Was I really so scared of getting hurt that I’d risk losing out on the first person in years who had made me feel anything?

When I was with Eli, an emotion I had almost forgotten about took hold of me .

Hope.

Eli paused when we arrived at a flight of stairs, then carefully walked up them. I let go of his hand so I could grip the railing, not wanting to trip in the dim light. The worn stair treads creaked with each step.

“Are we being too loud?” I hissed.

“Half the fun of sneaking around is the possibility of being caught,” he said, glancing back at me.

“I would strongly argue against that sentiment,” I whispered.

Obviously, I had known the lodge was much larger than the area we were filming in. Production hardly let us leave the one floor, yet the outside of the lodge promised dozens of rooms across multiple floors.

Eli stopped at the next landing and led me down a hall that looked identical to the ones on our floor.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“We're almost there,” he responded, throwing me a mischievous grin. “I promise you'll like it.”

He led me a little further down the hall until he paused at a set of wooden French doors. He slowly opened them and stood aside, gesturing for me to enter first.

Squinting, I could just barely make out the floor-to-ceiling shelves that lined the dark room. Only moonlight illuminated the space, filtering through a large bay window at the far end.

“What is this?” I asked as Eli walked around me. I heard a click and the room lit up under the soft glow of the lamp Eli had just switched on.

“Wow,” I breathed, as I took in the hundreds of books that surrounded me.

“It's a library,” he replied, looking at me expectantly.

I momentarily forgot about where I was, and why I was there. I walked along the shelves, tracing each spine as I went. The lodge had it all—literary classics, modern thrillers, and everything in between. I pulled out a particularly ornate copy of Through the Looking Glass and flipped it over, admiring it.

“How did you know this was here?” I asked.

“I did some wandering last night when you didn’t show up.”

I flinched as guilt trickled into my veins.

“Sorry about that.”

“Don’t apologize,” he said, giving me a pointed look.

I resumed scanning the shelves. “I wish I had known this was here earlier. I could have stolen a book or two for all the sleepless nights.”

Eli flopped into the dark green leather loveseat situated in the middle of the room. “I, for one, am glad you don’t have any distractions. Otherwise, you probably wouldn’t bother giving me the time of day.”

“That’s not true,” I replied quickly.

Eli chuckled. “It’s not?”

I paused, thinking about all the countless nights I’d spent holed up in my apartment, reading—both during and after Michael. “Well, maybe it’s a little true.”

“Who’s your favorite?” Eli asked as I pulled out another book to examine the back.

“Author? That’s an impossible question.”

“Fine, just give me one of your favorites.”

“Jane Austen,” I said without thinking. “I know it’s a cliché answer, but I still remember reading her work for the first time in high school. I’d always loved reading, but I was embarrassed that I primarily read romance novels. Most of the other classics never made me feel anything. I knew I was supposed to have all these important takeaways and thoughts about these great novels—but at the end of the day, I just didn’t care about the characters.” I smiled at the memory .

“But then we had to read Emma , and I felt something totally different. Finally, I cared about what happened to these characters and I wanted to know more about their lives. I loved that no one questioned Austen’s legitimacy as one of the greats, even though she wrote about the trials and tribulations of relationships, you know? It gave me the confidence to start writing my own stories.”

Eli grinned. “I love Austen. Pride and Prejudice is one of my favorite books.”

“Really?” The surprise in my voice betrayed me.

“As someone who had the whole toxic masculinity thing forced down my throat by my action star father, I found her to be refreshing,” he admitted. “I’m with you. Relationships are what truly capture the beauty of human interest. That’s what I’ve always wanted to focus on.”

“Is that what your screenplay is about?” I asked.

“It’s about a guy who spent his whole life building up his career, because that’s what he’d always been told would make him successful. But then one day he wakes up and realizes just how alone he actually is. Then he starts this mission to find happiness in things other than work, despite being a bit socially repressed.” He eyed me, looking self-conscious. “I know it sounds like a basic story, but I really think?—”

“I think it sounds beautiful,” I interrupted.

Eli grinned and my chest tightened in response. “Come here,” he said, patting the seat next to him. I joined him and he easily slung an arm around the back of the sofa. He leaned down and kissed the top of my head. Without thinking, I snuggled into his side.

“You should consider making your movie independently if you really can’t get anyone to look at it. Just because no one wants to give you a chance, doesn’t mean your story isn’t important, you know? I almost went the self-publishing route before I finally got signed.”

Eli’s arm tightened around me. “Tell me about your book.” His words were muffled by my hair.

Heat crept into my cheeks. “It’s about a girl. She’s quiet and in her own head a lot and doesn’t have many friends. One day, she decides to skip school on a whim. That day she runs into a boy. She knows him—he’s the most popular boy at her school. But he doesn’t recognize her. He’s skipping for reasons of his own, and they decide to spend all day doing things they normally wouldn’t. Anyway, they get to know each other without all of these preconceived notions adding pressure, and they end up falling for each other. But when they go back to reality, they realize everything between them wasn’t as easy as they thought it’d be.”

Eli sucked in a breath. “That feels a little on the nose, if you ask me.”

I thought about it for a moment, surprised by the connection he’d made between my synopsis and what the two of us were experiencing right now. In my head, that book was mine and Michael’s story, even though we hadn’t had any issues getting together. The struggles my characters faced all represented my internal battles.

“I guess you’re right, in a way. I always thought of it as a story of first love, but really, it brings to light a lot of buried insecurities I’ve always had.”

Eli played with the fabric of my sweatshirt, and a wave of comfort washed over me at the familiarity of it all.

“You said you got the publishing deal a while back. Why hasn’t it been released yet?” he asked.

My cheeks burned thinking about that. I hated that I had allowed my book to be put on a backburner all this time. “After Michael died, they let me postpone the release,” I said. “ I didn’t have it in me to do book tours or signings or anything like that. I just couldn’t stand the thought of moving on like everything was fine.”

“And now?”

I didn’t want to say the wrong thing, but I also knew I couldn’t be dishonest with Eli. “Now...I guess I’m still not sure.”

Eli’s eyes darkened at my continued indecision.

“Can we talk about today?” Eli sounded wary, and I realized for the first time that maybe I wasn’t the only one who was worried about getting hurt in this process. “I know it was a lot, but I need to make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m fine. I mean, Brady asked me if I was jealous of Sofia and you about a dozen times in my interviews, but I gave him nothing.”

“You have nothing to be jealous of, trust me. I wish they would just give it up already,” Eli said through his teeth.

“You did kiss her,” I pointed out, cringing. I sounded like a jealous girlfriend.

“She kissed me,” he insisted. “On the first night. I stood there in shock before I backed away and said it seemed too soon for that.”

“You backed away?” I asked, trying, and likely failing, to hide my disbelief.

Eli turned in the loveseat so that our faces were only inches apart. “Of course I did. Have I given any impression this entire time that I’m secretly harboring feelings for Sofia?”

“Well, no. But...” I paused, not wanting to say it.

His jaw clenched as he moved his hands up and down his thighs. “But what? Just say it. Because I sleep around, there’s no way I could ever back away from the advances of a willing woman? ”

Flinching, I continued to stare at the rug. “I wasn’t going to say that, exactly.”

He let out a frustrated sigh. “I hate when you think about me that way. I’ve never given a shit about how I might be perceived, but ever since I met you, I’m so hyperaware of every decision I ever made when I didn’t think they’d have consequences.”

“And they don’t,” I insisted, hating that I was making him feel insecure. He had every right to live his life however he wanted.

“Yes, they do. Because if those actions make me the kind of guy you can’t see yourself with, then I regret a lot of what I did.”

There was a quiet vulnerability in the way he looked at me.

“That’s not it at all,” I whispered.

He laughed bitterly. “Then what is it? Because I feel like we went from making so much progress the other day, to you sprinting away from me right now.” He reached for one of my hands and I let him grab it as he traced my knuckles with his thumb. “We kissed. And I don’t know about you, but that meant something to me.”

“For me, too.” Despite any apprehensions I had, I could already feel myself melting into him.

“I know my track record doesn’t exactly make me look like a candidate for an ideal boyfriend, but I’ve never met anyone who made me want to try before. I can’t stop thinking about you. I want to know everything about you. Most of all, I want to get you out of here and just spend time with you, outside of some asinine challenge where we have to risk our lives.”

I laughed. “Yeah, I’m kind of over getting banged up every other day. I hate how you watch me like you’re worried I might break at any second—physically or mentally, for that matter.”

He exhaled sharply. “I feel...protective over you. I can’t help it. Trust me, this is new for me. I’ve never really had anyone looking out for me before. I’ve always felt on my own, so I’ve never cared enough to look out for anyone else.”

My heart splintered at his words.

“There was no one there for you growing up?” I asked.

He looked away and groaned. “Don’t you go feeling sorry for me. It wasn’t that bad. I had a great childhood with nannies galore.”

“You never bonded with any of them?”

“We went through them fast,” he said. “My dad hired beautiful young women—shocker, I know. And he never wasted much time before making a move on them. To him, they were convenient lays. What did he care when they left or he let them go? He could just hire a new one.”

I scowled. “And left his son with the most unstable childhood in the process.”

“It wasn’t that bad,” he repeated it easily, as if he had told himself the line hundreds of times.

“And your mom?” I asked carefully.

“Not much to say. I told you already that she passed when I was young. I don’t remember her at all. It’s like she was never there.”

He paused for a moment and I reached out to take his hand securely in mine.

“I really don’t think her passing shaped me in any way, but who knows? Maybe I’m an idiot for thinking that. I have this picture of the two of us at a beach. I’m just a baby sitting in her lap on a towel and she’s got this huge smile on her face.” He squeezed his eyes shut as if picturing the image. “It’s framed on my dresser and I stare at it sometimes. I wonder if it’d have been any different if she were still here. Like maybe I’d have someone in my corner. But she’s not. And who’s to say she would even care about me all that much. For all I know, she could’ve been just as self-centered as my father.”

“She would have cared about you, Eli,” I said sternly.

“You don’t know that,” he said.

“Yes, I do,” I insisted, even though I couldn’t be sure. “I have to believe that she would see the beautiful person her son has become and be proud of him.”

“Maybe.” Eli smiled and reached out to twist my hair with his free hand, wrapping it around his fingers gently. “But I’ll never know for sure. Like I said, there hasn’t been anyone there for me. Everyone around me has always wanted something. Until you. You’ve only opened up to me in private, without the cameras. You look at me like I’m something special. So maybe I am protective over you, but can you blame me? You’re just so...”

“Pathetic?” I joked.

“No,” he said forcefully. “Genuine. I find myself constantly wondering how you’re holding up—if you’re doing okay in this bullshit environment we’re stuck in.”

I swallowed hard as he leaned in even further. I thought he might kiss me. But he brushed my hair aside instead.

“That’s really sweet,” I said.

“It’s just the truth. If anyone should be feeling pathetic, it’s me. Here I am, hung up on a girl who’s way too good for me. I’m pouring my heart out, but I’m not sure if you’re ever going to let me in for real.”

My heart thudded against my chest as I pulled my hand out of his grasp to wipe my sweaty palms on my pants.

“I get it.” He sighed, his shoulders slumping in resignation. “You already had an amazing love story. You had your person. I’m sure I don’t even hold a candle to him.” He pinched the bridge of his nose in defeat.

Hesitating, I opened my mouth, in disbelief I was about to utter these words aloud.

“I’ve never told this to anyone, but I was going to break up with him,” I admitted, waiting to see Eli’s reaction.

His eyebrows drew together. “With Michael? I thought he was your fiancé.”

I took a deep breath, ready to finally get this off my chest after two years of holding it in.

“He was, and he was the best fiancé a girl could ask for. We were each other’s first loves. No one knew me like him. I thought—I always thought we were meant to be. Michael loved that I was quiet and bookish. He never pushed me to match his outgoing energy. He’d go out and I’d stay in. He’d go on trips, I’d stay home and write. He made more friends and his world expanded. And one day I woke up and realized just how small mine was. Michael was my crutch. I had him and that was it. I never felt like I needed to experience new things because I had his safety and comfort. And the more I thought about it, the more it ate at me.

“When I sold my first book, it felt like my world was finally coming together. I felt confident in myself for the first time in a long time. And I decided I wanted to be on my own. I needed to step out from behind Michael and live my own life.”

I hadn’t even realized I was crying until Eli reached up and brushed a few tears away.

“He was upset, of course. He didn’t understand it, but he was such a good guy. He was willing to give me the space I needed. He had hoped that I’d come back to him, but—” I choked on the word. “I wasn’t so sure. I was so excited to get a fresh start. I wanted a new chapter that was all mine. I wasn’t even thinking about Michael and how we’d end up. I was just thinking about me.

“The day it happened, I was supposed to meet him for dinner, but I was running late. It was raining so hard. He picked our favorite restaurant, probably hoping I’d sit across from him, we’d share our usuals, and I’d have a change of heart. But I was planning to tell him that I’d found a new apartment and I wanted to sign the lease.” I paused to wipe my face with my sweatshirt sleeve. “But neither of us ever made it to the restaurant. As I was leaving, I got the call. I felt completely empty getting into the cab to go to the hospital. I didn’t even call my mom. None of it felt real. When I got there, they assumed I was his wife and told me he had already passed. It was all over and I hadn’t even been there. When his family arrived minutes later, I could barely face them.”

We sat there in silence for a moment, our knees pressed together. I wanted to meet Eli’s gaze, but I was afraid of what I’d find. Shame? Judgment? Disappointment?

“Just so you know, I’m actively restraining myself from holding you right now.”

I finally looked up and saw my pain reflected in Eli’s eyes. I nudged his knee. He reached out and held it as if he would take even the smallest piece of me as a lifeline.

“You haven’t told anyone this?” he asked, his voice thick.

“No one but my therapist. Not even my family. Everyone loved Michael, including me. How could I break their hearts and tell them after all that? What would be the point? Michael was gone.” Those last words sounded hollow. “That’s the real reason I fell out of touch with our old friends. I couldn’t face them. They were so heartbroken for me. And it was all a lie.”

“You felt guilty,” Eli stated.

“How could I not?” I gulped. “He was on his way to meet me so I could gleefully break up with him. ”

“It’s not your fault.” Eli’s finger curled under my chin and forced my eyes to meet his. “I need you to hear me when I say that it wasn’t your fault. And you’re not a bad person because of that. Not even close. You have every right to be torn up over what happened, because you lost a big part of your life and you never got closure. He was practically your family. So never feel guilty over what happened. It’s not selfish to want more. You were living your life for you. Everyone would have understood.”

I held onto his arm to ground myself. “You sound like my therapist.”

“She sounds really intelligent,” he said, giving me a half smile.

I wanted to laugh but couldn’t quite muster up the energy.

“She says I’m too hard on myself. If I don’t forgive myself and release the guilt, I’ll never allow myself to process my grief. And I’ll never be able to move on. I have this dream—it’s usually the reason I have trouble sleeping—but in it I’m always running late and I can never get to where I’m supposed to be going. Michael is always there too. I’m never quite sure where we’re going or why I can’t seem to get there, but the dreams happen all the time. She says they have to do with my fear of moving on.” I don’t tell Eli how Michael had been noticeably absent from my dream tonight and Eli had been in his place. I couldn’t even begin to process what that meant.

“I feel so ridiculously underqualified to give you any sort of meaningful advice,” Eli began. “But I do care about you. I really hope you believe it, because it’s true and I only want to see you happy. You can’t let this weigh you down, okay? Just because you were doing something for yourself doesn’t mean you didn’t care about him. What happened wasn’t your fault.”

“I know that,” I whispered, and I tried to mean it.

Eli leaned forward hesitantly. When I didn’t back away, he pressed his lips firmly against mine. I kissed him back, relishing the feeling of his rough hands cradling my face.

It was different than before. There was something there, a spark of potential.

This time it was me who deepened the kiss, prodding his mouth with my tongue until he parted his lips. Heat crept all the way from my lips to the rest of my body. I hadn’t even realized how much I had missed being touched until this moment. When I shifted so that my body pressed against his, he nibbled my bottom lip in response. His hands drifted down to my hips and he gripped me tightly before pulling me flush against him. Any discomfort I’d ever felt around him had flown right out the window. I craved his touch—wanted it more than anything in recent memory. I straddled one of his thighs and gave into the friction, moaning as a result.

Eli broke away from our kiss, panting against my lips.

My heart beat faster than a runaway freight train. I tried to catch my breath, but Eli’s proximity wasn’t helping.

“We probably shouldn’t get too carried away,” he breathed against my lips, pressing his forehead against mine. He gave me another long lingering kiss before pulling away again and groaning. “Fuck, I really wish we were anywhere other than here right now.”

“Why do you like me?” I whispered. I could hardly believe I had finally said those words out loud, but it was the one thing I really felt like I had to know.

“Seriously?” he gestured between the two of us, an exasperated look on his face.

“Not like that.” I bit back a laugh. “You’ve been dead-set on getting to know me from the beginning. I just want to know. Why me?”

He blew out a shaky breath. “Why you? Why me? I’m the one terrified you’ll realize you can do a million times better than me. Calla, you have no idea the kind of insincerity I’ve been surrounded by my entire life. From the moment I saw you run out of the lounge on that first day, looking like a deer being gunned down by a group of hunters, I knew there wasn’t an insincere bone in your entire body.”

I shuddered thinking back on it.

“And when I talked to you for the first time—and every time since—you’ve taken me seriously. To you, I’m not my father’s son, or some washed-up actor. I’m just Eli. And you have no idea how much that means to me. I savor every conversation I have with you, and they still don’t feel like enough. I’ve never met someone before who made me wish I knew them sooner.”

My breath caught in my throat before I leaned in and kissed him again.

Maybe I was still scared to move on, but one thing was for sure. My heart was already being pulled forward, and I couldn’t fight it anymore.