32. Kieran
KIERAN
Producer: “What’s your idea of a healthy relationship?”
Kieran: “I love the idea of being in a relationship where we can both breathe comfortably. Where we don’t lose ourselves, but we don’t feel alone, either.
Being each other’s safe place when everything else is chaotic.
I want trust and laughter and knowing the hard days won’t scare them off.
Especially because, for me, my fame and the life I’ve built around it could be gone in an instant.
So having someone who shows up and loves me, keeps me steady, reminds me that there’s so much more to life than what’s posted online, would be amazing. ”
Every time a new vibe board flashes onto the screen, I question every life choice that led me here.
Not because the other people are bad, but I’m worried I might have gone into this experience with a little too much hope.
I mean, what are the odds that my ideal partner happens to be one of the other seventeen people who were chosen to be on the show?
Not likely, especially because I feel like I’m at a networking event where every conversation sounds exactly the same.
And I have to do it seventeen times.
One date talked excessively about hiking, and the only thing I could think of was that meme about how my idea of being outdoorsy is sitting on a patio with a drink in my hand.
Waking up at five in the morning to go climb a mountain? Not for me. I much prefer to stay in the city.
Another talked about football, someone else about photography, then the farm, astrology, and even cars. The closest person I felt a connection to so far was RR because at least we could talk about fashion, but it felt platonic.
They were all… fine, pleasant even.
But it’s still a problem because fine is forgettable. Fine doesn’t have me doodling anyone’s initials while I imagine our wedding. Fine doesn’t make me forget the camera in the corner.
It keeps me in my head, feeling far too nervous. I want to be making the most of this opportunity, to really give myself the best chance to connect with someone, but I’m distracted with concern about my reputation and how my answers will be picked apart by my fans.
But I chose to come here for a reason. I can’t give up hope when there are still a handful of dates left, so I tell myself to remember how excited I was about this experience and to focus on giving these next dates my all.
Whether I feel a connection or not, I need to pick my top people from this first round to continue dating. Maybe that spark will come.
The next vibe board pops up with city skylines, bridges, and buildings. There are basketball and hockey photos on there as well. Then the initials: JR.
It’s stupid my mind immediately goes to Jace-fucking-Ryan. Even thirteen years later, I can’t seem to forget the first man who broke my heart. The only one I’ve ever really given a chance, if I'm being completely honest.
Logically, I know the odds of Jace being this JR are slim to none. But knowing that doesn’t stop my pulse from kicking up anyway.
I haven’t kept up with him at all. I had no reason to. I blocked him that day and was done.
Except “done” hasn’t meant forgotten, as much as I wish it did.
Whenever I do think of him, those same feelings of shame and regret I felt all those years ago immediately flood my stomach.
I let Jace in even after he showed me exactly who he was. I let myself believe he wouldn’t hurt me. That he might actually like me too. That he wasn’t just being nice because I was getting him off regularly. All because I assumed I mattered to him in the same way he mattered to me.
He hurt me in a way I didn’t know how to process.
He left me feeling used and discarded. The way he dismissed what I thought we had, not even bothering to end things himself, sending David to threaten me that day…
Whatever his excuse was, it devastated me that the bond I thought we’d been building had only existed in my head.
It messed with my ability to trust people in ways I’m still unlearning. I know he’s why I default to assuming everyone who wants to get close to me is only doing it for their own personal gain.
Knowing that doesn’t stop me from making the assumption though. It’s only been solidified by a couple of my exes moving from me to other influencers, which really fucking stung.
Thirteen years may have passed since senior year of high school, and in a lot of ways, I’ve moved on. But I don’t think I’ll ever truly be able to let it go.
Focus, I remind myself.
There is no possible way this is Jace. Besides, he liked baseball; his whole life was baseball.
This has two completely different sports on it, and the initials, JR, are common.
There are only so many letters in the alphabet.
He’s probably still living in Jersey with a life that looks a lot like his dad's did back then, stuck in some dead-end job with a wife and 2.5 kids after a failed baseball career. If he had actually gone pro, I think it would’ve been unavoidable to hear about, and since I never did, he must not have been as good as he always made it seem.
This person is probably lovely, and I shouldn’t judge them for having shitty initials.
I take a deep breath and begin the conversation.
“Hi, I’m KD.”
“Hey, I’m JR,” the distorted voice says back.
Instead of bringing up the vibe board like most other dates have done, I go for a question. “What is your favorite thing about your day-to-day life?”
“Oh cool. Are we actually going to talk? No one has asked me anything that wasn’t on the board yet.
” They laugh. “Uh, probably spending time with my uncles. I live in the same building as them, and we’ll drink our coffee together in the mornings, watch sports together—it doesn’t really matter what we’re doing, but hanging out with them is always great.
They’re pretty much my best friends. I even work with one of them. ”
Before I can even respond, they’re speaking again.
“God, that makes me sound really old and boring, doesn’t it?” They laugh, but as someone who grew up with a close, supportive family, I love hearing that.
“No, it’s sweet,” I assure them. “I bet you miss them, huh?” They make what I think is a humming sound in confirmation. “Is it bad to admit the thing I miss the most being here is my phone.” I laugh at my own sad reality, and it sounds like they do too.
“You and me both. It’s so embarrassing how much I miss being on my phone, too. It’s a complete digital detox being here.”
My face breaks out into the first real grin I’ve had during one of these dates at their easy agreement. “You think that’s the real reason half the people here signed up?” I joke. Only partly.
“Well, that and the chance to be humiliated on national TV,” they add, and I laugh again.
“You’re exposing all my deepest fears right now, JR. How are you doing that so quickly?” I tease. I’m smiling like a fool, and that definitely hasn’t happened with anyone else today.
“Gifted, I suppose,” they say simply. Then, with no warning, they add, “What else are you afraid of?”
“That’s a pretty loaded question for a speed date.”
“I like loaded questions, I think they tell you a lot about a person.”
I wish I could see their face, not even to know what they look like—although, I am curious—but to confirm if their expression matches mine, if they’re enjoying this as much as I am.
This feels like the first real conversation I’ve had today, so I don’t hold back, giving them the most honest answer I can think of.
“I’m afraid of wasting my time on people who only like the idea of me. Or what I can do for them. Or the version of me they’ve decided I am in their head.”
I don’t think they were expecting my answer, and for a moment, I worry I’ve scared them away already as I wait for their reply.
“Well, shit, K. I can completely understand that,” they finally respond, and instead of feeling relief, my nerves spike as I realize that was the first real thing I admitted on this show because I did forget all about the cameras.
I quickly move on. “Your turn, what about you?” I hold my breath, wondering if they’ll be as honest as I was while they take a moment to consider their response.
“Living my life for someone else. Letting them dictate my choices and make me feel small for what I like and want, and just for who I am as a person, I guess.”
Well, that was a very real answer. This is such an unexpectedly raw conversation to have. My heart is pounding, and I feel seen in a way I definitely wasn’t expecting today.
“I can also relate to that,” I confirm. I don’t want this to end, but I know we don’t have time to expand on these heavy topics right now. “Maybe a lighter question?” I offer.
“We actually only have about thirty seconds left,” JR points out. “This is the first date that hasn’t felt long enough.”
Something flutters to life in my stomach at their remark. This was different than the other dates today. “I feel the same way,” I admit. The screen goes back to the show’s logo, and I’m excited about how disappointed I am.
Maybe things will be more than fine after all.