35. Jace
JACE
Producer: “Is there anything about this process that concerns you?”
Jace: “Not really. I’m sure I’ll do something embarrassing or that people watching the show won’t like, but I willingly came here, and I’m hoping that I can meet someone special, so it is what it is.”
KD
So apparently these phones have the voice distortion option too… Would you want to talk on the phone? Or stick to texting?
JR
I was just thinking about how I miss the robotic voice! Lol you can call me
Asecond later, my phone lights up with KD’s initials and I pick up immediately. “Miss me already?” I tease.
“Not sure if I’m supposed to pretend like I just wanted to see if I was still your favorite or if I should be honest and admit that I did.”
I smile to myself as I consider their answer.
I’ve been in relationships before, some that I thought might even be serious at the time, but I don’t know that I’ve ever felt like someone else’s priority the way I’m starting to with KD.
Even with friends, I haven’t really had a best friend as an adult like so many people do.
I have people I can go out with, mostly coworkers, but those invites are all group activities. No one invites just me to do anything.
Growing up, my friends were all assholes who only cared about popularity, and after everything that happened with David, I think I’ve held back from getting too close with people.
Obviously, I have my uncles, but they have each other.
KD deciding to call me tonight, not one of their other matches, makes me feel important in a way I didn’t know I needed. It’s the feeling I was chasing when I signed up for the show, but I don’t think I really believed it could happen until this moment.
“Well, I’ll happily confirm that you are, in fact, still my favorite, and let you know that I was missing you as well,” I reply, my smile still firmly in place.
It might be odd to be so honest about those feelings, but there’s something about the anonymity of talking through the voice changer and not actually seeing each other that makes confessions so much easier. Combined with the tight timeline of the show, there’s really no room to hold anything back.
I don’t mind though. KD’s confirmation made me feel special, and I want to make them feel the same way. And I was missing them.
I spent so many years ignoring and hiding my true thoughts and feelings.
Not only did that end up hurting me more, but worse than that, it hurt the one person I cared about most in my past. I’ve tried to learn from those mistakes, to grow, and one of the ways I do that is by being as honest as I can.
If spending time with KD makes me happy, they should know that.
“It’s probably a good thing you can’t see how obnoxious my blushing is right now,” K says with a laugh.
“Damn, now I really want to see it.” As I say that, I realize I haven’t given much consideration to the way KD looks.
We’ve joked about our ages, and as long as they aren’t older than my parents or still a teenager—and I’m seriously doubting either of those possibilities after how much we’ve talked over the last couple of days—then their age doesn’t actually matter.
I also have no idea what their gender identity is but that truly isn’t important to me either.
I haven’t been picturing anything specific when we’re talking, they’re just K, the person I’ve really enjoyed getting to know, the person I’ve found myself picturing going through the next steps of this process with.
When we were talking about cuddling, I guess I was picturing myself as the big spoon, but most people are smaller than me, so I didn’t even stop to consider another option. Even though I would also be cool with being the little spoon.
“Maybe soon,” they tease, but I think we might be on the same page about really wanting that to happen.
“I hope so,” I confirm. “So, if you weren’t participating on a reality show with your every move being filmed, what would a normal night look like for you, K?”
They laugh at my topic change and take a moment to think. “I’d order in food from my favorite sushi place, then I’d probably spend the night cuddling with Freddie while I work.”
“I thought I worked a lot, but I’m starting to think it’ll seem like nothing compared to you.”
“I think one of the things I need to work on after this is my work-life balance,” they agree with a laugh.
“Maybe we can message the producers to provide us with supplies for a hobby tomorrow, get started on that.”
“Absolutely.”
“Um. Is this what you were picturing?” I ask with a laugh as soon as K answers the phone.
They’re laughing too hard to respond for a moment. “Did yours have the note on it too?”
“For the ‘elderly couple’ who almost gave us all heart attacks from nearly revealing your ages. Keep the blind topics blind, please.” I double-check, chuckling as I read my note again.
“Yup, same one. And no, this is not what I was picturing, but I’m committed at this point. Let’s learn how to fucking cross-stitch,” they say, with what I think is fake enthusiasm.
“We’re going to be amazing,” I agree. They delivered a Learn to Cross-stitch kit to each of us. I’m set up at the kitchen table with all the supplies in front of me, skimming the instructions. “What’s yours a picture of?”
“A cat. It’s kind of adorable.”
“We must have the same one. Okay, it looks like we need to find the center of the Aida first, and then thread two pieces of floss through the eye of the needle,” I read aloud.
“I only know, like, half of those words,” K says, making me laugh.
“Based on the pictures, I’m guessing the Aida is the fabric with the holes in it, and the floss is the string.”
“Are you sure you haven’t done this before?” they tease.
“Trust me, I would remember if I’d ever done anything even close to this.
” I picture my father’s reaction if I had ever brought home something I cross-stitched or if I had tried to do it in his house.
I’m sure it would’ve been immediately trashed, and I’d have had to sit through him yelling about me acting gay and how I needed to stay away from girly shit, so people didn’t get the wrong impression.
I wish I’d have given people that impression instead of the asshole bully one I actually did.
“Your vibe board had art supplies on it, have you ever done anything like this?” I ask.
“No, but I’m hoping the skills transfer,” they say with a laugh.
“Growing up, I was into drawing and painting. I never really committed to a favorite medium, it changed every couple of months and even depended on my mood somedays. But I’ve always liked creating things.
I think it’ll be fine to say I use my creativity for my job, so that’s where a lot of my creative energy goes these days.
But sometimes when I’m alone, I still like to sketch, and lately, I’ve enjoyed using watercolors. ”
“Nice, is it, like, landscapes or people or…?” I ask.
“Recently it’s been a lot of portraits, but abstract ones.
I like to make part of the image hyperrealistic and then really use my imagination to try to express what I think the person is feeling in the other part.
” Even the robotic filter sounds more animated as KD describes their art.
I wish I could see them right now, see the way their expression has probably lit up as they’ve been talking.
“That sounds really, really cool. I would love to see it.”
They don’t respond right away, and I double-check the call is still going before they finally reply. “I think I’d like to share it with you. I actually haven’t shown anyone my art in years, outside of what I do for work,” they admit.
Wow. “Well, no pressure, you obviously never have to show me, but if you ever wanted to, I would be honored. It sounds like it’s very personal.”
“It is. It always has been, I guess. Growing up, I never really felt like I fit in. I didn’t feel like who I was would ever be good enough.
But when I was drawing or painting, it didn’t matter if I was different in school or if I wished I had more friends.
Art became my safe space, and eventually the other creative outlets I found did as well. ”
“Damn, K. I’m sorry you felt that way. It’s awesome you found that love for art to distract from it.”
“Thanks. It was mostly at school. I know it could have been worse. My parents have always been amazing, and they didn’t hesitate to get me whatever latest art supply I needed. What about you? Did your uncles support any hobbies when you were younger?”
“God, I wish,” I say. If I had been with them sooner, and I’d expressed any interest in a hobby, I can only imagine how quickly they would have supported it.
If I’d decided to take up art, Patrick probably would have come home with bags full of art supplies and insisted on learning how to do it with me.
But that obviously didn’t happen, and K was vulnerable with their answer, so I want to give them a bit of my truth too, even if I try not to focus on that time of my life if I can help it.
“I, uh, I can actually relate to the whole not feeling like you were good enough thing. Like no matter what I did, it would never be enough, and that the things I wanted were wrong.”
“Sorry, J. Did you have any escapes from it?”
Kieran. The memory of sitting with him in the woods all those times pops into my head.