35. Jace #2
Yeah, I don’t want to get into the details of that with KD yet.
Maybe one day I can tell them all about what an asshole I was to the first person I ever really cared about, but I’m not ready for that conversation.
I also don’t want to lie, though, so I go for a general summary.
“I was really athletic when I was younger, and I tried to put all my focus into sports, into being the best. When that stopped working though, I did eventually find someone who made me feel like I could be myself for the first time. They didn’t give a shit about popularity or if my team was doing well.
” I smile fondly as I remember the way Kieran was so dismissive about baseball the few times I brought it up, as opposed to everyone else in my life at that point who seemed to only care about the possibility of me going pro. “They changed my life,” I add.
“Do you still know them?”
I wish. “No, but I’m so grateful that our paths crossed when they did.”
“Sounds like it was at the right time,” K says. “I’m glad you had that.”
“Me too.” I literally can’t imagine how different my life could have been if Kieran and I had never met. Would I have gone into the MLB? Would I think I’m straight? Would my father still be trying to control my life?
All those possibilities sound miserable. I’m so glad things turned out the way they did as far as my career and parents are concerned. I just wish Kieran and I could have ended things on better terms… if we had to end them at all.
I need to stop thinking about Kieran Delaney and focus on the new KD in my life. “I feel like I can be myself around you, too,” I admit softly, realizing the truth in the words as I say them.
“Good, because I feel the same way, J. And that’s kind of a really big deal for me.”
“Good,” I tease, but then I add, “I really like who you are, K.”
“I like you too.”
We let the moment hang there, not adding anything else to the silence as we let everything we just said sink in.
I know we had joked about being each other’s top picks, and even about things we’ll do in person, but this felt more like an honest admission of our feelings, like we might both be hoping to move on to the next phase of the show together as actual partners.
I’ve been trying to go along with the structure of the show and talk to other people, but I don’t want to give up any more time to people I don’t see myself having a future with. It’s KD for me. I can’t imagine moving on with anyone else.
I need to enjoy our time together now, but later, I think I need to be honest with the other people I’m still technically dating.
“Okay, are you ready to master cross-stitching?” I ask, attempting to move back into a lighter mood, but grateful that we had that more serious moment and that KD was comfortable enough to share deeper parts of themselves with me.
“Yeah, let’s do this,” K agrees. “I think I separated the thread correctly but getting it into this tiny hole is way more difficult than I thought it would be.”
“That’s what he said,” I say before I can stop myself.
Hanging out with K, even if it’s over a voice-distorting phone call, is so easy and comfortable that I don’t even think about how a joke like that might come across.
I panic for a moment that they’ll think I’m immature or crude, but to my relief, they crack up.
I wouldn’t want to date someone who I couldn’t be this comfortable joking around with, so I guess that ended up being a nice way to accidentally test it.
We spend the rest of the afternoon attempting to finish our patterns, laughing and chatting the entire time.
The more I learn about KD, their humor, their general attitude about things, their outlook on life, the more it all confirms how well we really do seem to fit.
We even talk about kids. They’ve never had a strong desire to have them, which is a relief because neither have I.
I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
To learn something about them that’s somehow a dealbreaker or for me to say the wrong thing and it results in our connection suddenly becoming awkward. But it never happens.
We both end up with what I’m assuming are technically poorly executed cat cross-stitches, and I know I’ll smile every time I look at it remembering today and my time with KD.
We talk through meals and only take a brief break from our call to do short dates with our other matches.
After another great day where I felt like I really bonded with KD in a way that I don’t see myself doing with my other matches, I go through with my plan and end up telling everyone else that I don’t feel a romantic connection with them, and that I think we should put our time and effort into the people we do feel that way about.
Jay messaged me again, reminding me to at least read the texts out loud if I don’t explain my thoughts beyond them.
AP and SJ are both really nice about it.
AP wished me luck with whoever I was vibing with, and I wished them the same.
I was surprised that SJ seemed disappointed, telling me that whoever I’d clicked with was a lucky person, but we also wished each other luck and ended things on good terms.
LM surprised me by suggesting we continue to rank each other platonically. They agreed with everything I said, and after confirming we weren’t both pursuing the same person, asked if we might want to keep talking for friendly support. I immediately agreed, loving the idea.
KD and I call again after the other dates are wrapped up, but I don’t tell them I ended things with everyone else. I don’t want them to feel any pressure to continue this process with me, but I feel better knowing my focus can be on the only person I’ve had any sort of real spark with here.
It really does feel real. We request another cross-stitch pattern the next day and spend the whole day talking.
I don’t want to assume anything when K’s schedule is clear of any other dates, but by the time evening rolls around, and Andy appears on the TV screen informing us that the round is over and it’s time to narrow down our connections to our top four, I’m feeling really great about where KD and I are at.
It’s only been a few days, but the connection we’ve made feels real. KD has made me laugh and smile more in that time than I can ever remember with another partner. I’ve even realized that the constant urge to check my phone for Sparkles updates is nearly gone whenever KD and I are talking.
I think this dating experiment might actually work.
I really want it to.