43. Jace
JACE
Producer: “So, can you expand on what exactly you were apologizing for? Neither of you have given any details other than that you used to know each other.”
Jace: “Oh, that’s all there really is to know. It was a misunderstanding. We’re all good now.”
“Anything else you’d like to add, Jace?” Mitch asks hopefully.
“No, I think that covers it. Can we go back to our apartment now?” I request. Kieran obviously wants to keep this brief, and I have no problem with that plan.
Mitch and Jay don’t seem thrilled with our answers, but I decide to take a risk and pull Kieran’s hand into mine, resting our locked fingers on my thigh as we wait to be dismissed.
There’s a flash of surprise in Kieran’s expression when he realizes what I’m doing, but he doesn’t swat me away, so I’ll count it as a win.
He told me he wanted us to basically become “couple goals” on the show, and for me, that means we should be cute and cuddly whenever we’re near each other.
I know KD had mentioned hating when dates only seemed to want public displays of affection and didn’t care as much when they were alone—which makes a hell of a lot more sense now that I actually know who he is—so I’ll have to ask him what his boundaries and expectations are about us touching on camera moving forward so I don’t trigger those same negative emotions.
Mitch looks at our joined hands and back up at us before rolling his eyes.
“Fine. But please stay in the main living spaces as much as possible or we’ll have to add cameras in the bedroom, and I really don’t want to have footage of what’s going to happen when you two give in to whatever tension is happening here,” he adds, motioning between us.
“Come on, Mitch, you don’t have to lie to us,” I tease.
“I’d definitely want a copy.” Mitch looks completely unamused, but Kieran snorts a surprised laugh next to me, and I feel a sense of pride swell in my chest. I hate that I’m causing stress in his life again, so my personal mission for the remainder of our time together is to get as many laughs and smiles from him as possible.
KD and I spent the last week constantly joking around and making the other laugh, I won’t be naive and pretend like we can get all the way back to that point with how much he obviously still hates me, but maybe things can be better than they are now.
“We’ll give you more cross-stitch materials or more makeup, whatever hobby you need, just stay. Out. Of. The. Bedroom,” Mitch reiterates, emphasizing each word.
Kieran perks up at that. “I’ll never say no to more makeup and another camera.”
“There are cameras all over the main space,” Mitch argues.
“I’m used to having a camera set up right in front of me, not the random angles of the ones in the apartment.” Kieran shrugs.
I can’t wipe the smile from my face. Kieran hasn’t dropped my hand this whole time, and I love seeing how confident he is, standing his ground asking for what he wants.
He comes across as so poised and sure of himself in his videos, but I’ve always wondered what he was like off camera.
I feel guilty about how excited I am that I get to see it firsthand when I know he’d rather never see me again, but I’m trying not to get lost in negative feelings and enjoy my limited time with Kieran as much as I can.
I’ll deal with the crash out when it’s over.
“We’ll get all that to you as soon as we can,” Mitch concedes.
Kieran stands from the couch we’re on, pulling me up with him as he still doesn’t drop my hand.
When we’re back in the apartment, he finally does, and the loss of his touch is far more upsetting than it should be.
“I’m so ready to put on different clothes now that we’re not pretending it’s yesterday.
” He cringes slightly and walks toward the bedroom.
“You can go first,” I offer, hanging back.
After we’re both showered and in new outfits, we both make our way into the kitchen. “Are you hungry?” I ask, realizing we haven’t eaten yet today as I open the fridge to see what they’ve stocked. “I know we’ve both talked about being bad at cooking, but I can handle scrambled eggs and bacon.”
“Extra crispy,” he responds, sitting at the kitchen island with a makeup bag and small mirror as I pull out ingredients.
“Whatever you’d like,” I remind him with a wink. Maybe if I say that enough, he’ll understand just how deep my promise goes.
His makeup came off in the shower, and it looks like he’s applying a different look for the “new” day. I get lost watching him for a moment, feeling like I’m the live audience for the show I’ve only ever seen on my screen.
“So, we should probably go over some things we couldn’t say or explain while we were in the blind part of the show,” he prompts, pulling me back to the present. “Sounds like you know what I do. Tell me about your life. Baseball didn’t work out?”
I can’t help but laugh as I get to work cooking. “I never tried. When my dad found out I wasn’t straight in senior year of high school, he kicked me out, and I decided that the MLB was his dream, not mine.”
“Senior year?” he repeats back, eyes wide. “How did I not know that?”
“It was only the last week or so,” I explain, not wanting to remind him on camera that he was in the hospital and never came back to school. “I didn’t really tell anyone either.”
“So, is that when you went to live with your uncles? When I didn’t know who you were, and you said they stepped in, I thought maybe your parents had died and you weren’t ready to talk about it.”
“As far as I know, they’re both still living in that same house, but I haven’t been back since.
And yeah, I actually hadn’t talked to my uncle at that point for years,” I tell him, remembering how scared and pissed off I was back then.
It’s crazy how much better my life became after feeling like it was over.
The only thing I would’ve changed was the way things ended with Kieran. But it wasn’t the end, was it? We’re here now, together. Even if he doesn’t want to be, we’re getting the chance to add to our story. I’m not living under some delusion we’ll have some happily ever after together… but what if?
At the very least, I’m hoping we part on better terms than last time, which shouldn’t be too hard.
“I was living in a crappy motel by the school, trying to make it through graduation, and I was almost out of money, so I called Joey,” I tell him.
“Turns out the reason I hadn’t seen him for so long was because my dad is a homophobic asshole who cut him out of our lives when he tried to introduce us to his boyfriend. ”
“Shit.”
“Yeah. Moving in with him and his husband, Patrick, was one of the best things that ever happened to me.” I manage to stop myself from saying the time we spent together senior year before everything fell apart is also at the top of my list. Followed closely by what’s happening right now because I never in a million years thought I’d get to spend time with him again.
“Wait.” Kieran pauses, looking confused. “So, when we were talking about not feeling like you were good enough growing up, was that about your dad? I had kind of assumed JR meant with other people their age—”
“That’s what you were talking about, right?
” I cut in, the truth of what he’s about to say is already a painful reminder of the past. “But it wasn’t everyone.
It was me, wasn’t it?” I know it might be stupid to bring this up at all, especially on camera, but I need him to know that I’m not dismissing our past and how cruel I was.
I hate the things I did, and I want him to believe me, to somehow make it up to him.
“I’m so sorry I ever made you feel that way.
I was such an idiot. I wish I had understood back then how special those things I saw as different make you. ”
He blinks at me a few times, and then shakes his head and smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. It’s the polished, camera-ready smile he’s perfected, and I know before he opens his mouth that his answer is for the audience and our act. It isn’t his honest one.
“Thank you for saying that, J, but you don’t have to keep apologizing, we’ve already moved on. I was just wanting to continue to get to know you by asking about things we talked about earlier in the process.”
I might as well continue to tell the truth.
Maybe Kieran will eventually believe me if I continue to be completely honest at every opportunity.
“Well, to answer your question, yeah, I was mostly talking about my dad and how nothing was ever good enough. Do you remember what you asked me next when we were talking about that?”
He takes a moment to consider. “I think I asked if you had any escape from those feelings.”
“Do you remember my answer?” I prompt.
He’s quiet for a long moment, and then his whole body goes still as his eyes widen. His voice is quiet as he answers. “That you found someone who made you feel like you could be yourself for the first time.”
“I don’t think I ever properly thanked you for that.”
“No need,” he whispers, looking very overwhelmed, so I decide to move on. I love that we’re actually hanging out, and I don’t want it to end because I ruined things by making him uncomfortable.
“Then I found it again with each of my uncles. I’m really lucky to have them. Patrick even took me on as his apprentice when I first moved here. I’m an ironworker in the city now. Not at all what I pictured back then, but I love it.”
“Huh,” Kieran says, and I turn away from the food for a moment to look at him again. I swear I catch him checking me out before he quickly looks away, but I make sure to flex my arms as I continue, just in case.
“What about you?” I ask.
“You said you’ve seen my videos. You know what I do.”