60. Kieran
KIERAN
Producer: “If you had to sum up how you’re feeling in three words today, what would you say?”
Kieran: “Three? There’s no way. I’m feeling all the words.”
Tomorrow is our wedding day, and I’m freaking the fuck out.
Last night, we had drinks with Blake and Liam to celebrate us all getting married this weekend, and earlier today, their wedding… didn’t happen.
And that’s been eating away at me. I feel horrible for them, but I have to believe they’ll work it out. We’ve spent a lot of time with them over the last two weeks, and I feel like we’ve all become friends. After the minor hurdle they had with Rachel, it seemed like they were inevitable.
Now, all I can think is “what if?”
What if Jace doesn’t want to pretend to be married? What if he looks at me when I walk down the aisle and he realizes he can’t do a fake forever? What if he breaks my heart at the altar? All because I didn’t tell him how I really feel.
I’ve wanted to bring it up so many times since the proposal, but I’m so afraid of saying the wrong thing that I’d decided to wait until after the show was done filming to talk about everything since then there’d be no pressure or cameras. And we’d already be married.
But now I’m wishing I had been brave enough to have the conversation sooner. There’s still time, my mind reminds me.
My life looks complete from the outside, but it’s been missing someone to share it with. It’s the reason I came on this show in the first place, and Jace makes my life feel full in a way nothing else ever has. He’s everything I’ve wanted in a partner, even before I was ready to admit it.
Blake and Liam not making it to the altar is forcing me to face what it really means to stand in front of someone and promise forever.
It shouldn’t be fake. I shouldn’t make light of the commitment because I’m scared.
We’ve said all of this was pretend, but it’s felt real for so long now, I don’t even know when we stopped pretending. Or if we ever really did.
Jace feels like my forever, and I don’t want to marry him while he’s still thinking I’ll hand him divorce papers the second the cameras stop rolling, like I said that first night together.
I don’t want him walking down that aisle without knowing—really knowing—how fucking in love with him I am.
“K, what is going on with you? You’ve been so off all night.” Liv’s voice pulls me back into the moment. We’re in my hotel room for the night since I’m supposed to be sleeping separately from Jace, but I keep zoning out on her.
“I need to talk to you,” I say, standing from the bed and pulling her into the hotel bathroom with me. When the door is shut, and I confirm that there are no cameras in here, I turn to look right at her. “Liv, I can’t do this.”
Her brows lift in alarm. “Do what? Marry Jace?”
I drag my hands down my face. “Yes. No. I don’t know.
Blake and Liam didn’t even make it into their ceremony, and all I can think is, what if that happens to us?
” I’m unraveling, words spilling too fast from my panicking lips.
“What if I walk down that aisle and he looks at me and decides he can’t pretend anymore?
What if he says no? What if I lose him in front of everyone? ”
“Kieran.”
“I keep thinking—what if he regrets all of this? What if—”
“Kieran,” she says, much more seriously this time. She steps closer, putting her hands on my shoulders. “You’re spiraling. And you’re asking the wrong questions.”
My throat feels tight. “What the hell does that mean?”
“It means you’re so busy panicking about what Jace might feel that you’re ignoring the truth.”
I expect her to finish, but she just looks at me expectantly.
“Now is not the time for a dramatic pause, Liv! Spit it out!”
“I thought you might connect the dots there, but okay. K, that man has been in love with you since high school. And… I think you love him too.”
The air fills back in my lungs at the realization that she’s right.
She’s so fucking right. Jace has worn his heart on his sleeve the whole time we’ve been on this show.
From night one, he said he wanted to do what I wanted, that he’d follow my lead.
His proposal felt real. His journal entries were real.
He remembered every little thing I shared, including my favorite cake.
Holy shit, I’m such an idiot.
He wants this to be as real as I do, I just haven’t been ready to admit it to myself. I’ve been protecting myself, clinging to the plan, pretending that if it ended, I’d be fine.
But I absolutely wouldn’t be.
The whole time, I’ve been guarding my heart from the one person I know would never break it again.
“What happened with Blake and Liam is because they kept secrets,” she continues softly. Everyone who’s even peripherally aware of the show heard what went down by now.
“You know where silence gets people,” she says pointedly. “So ask yourself, are you really about to walk down that aisle tomorrow and marry Jace without him knowing how you really feel?”
I swallow, letting all the pieces fall into place, acknowledging how right I know she is… especially when I think about how silence and refusing to talk to each other led me to hate him for thirteen years.
“You love him,” she says knowingly. “And don’t you dare stand there and try to deny it, because I’ve watched you fall. You’re not panicking about losing him as a friend. He’s it for you, and you know it.”
Tears start falling down my cheeks as I nod in confirmation.
“So,” she continues, crossing her arms, “you have two choices. Keep pretending it’s just to protect your reputation. Something you’re doing for the cameras and your brand. Or tell him the truth before you’re at the altar tomorrow. Give him the chance to actually say yes to you.”
I feel like I’m going to vomit, my past fears and anxieties of not being enough for other people, including him at one point, are popping up again.
“And what if he doesn’t—”
“What if he does?” she shoots back instantly, shutting down the thought. “What if he’s been waiting for you to stop being a coward and finally admit it? He’s been obsessed with you since high school, Kieran. I think he’s been trying to respect your boundaries this whole time.”
Fuck.
I need to go and find him. I need to tell him how I feel, but even though I know that, I’m not moving. I’m frozen, terrified.
“You’re scared? Good,” Liv pushes, reading me so easily the way only a best friend can. “That means you care. But stop letting fear make your choices for you. Because if you stay silent and it all falls apart? That’s on you. And we both know you’d never forgive yourself.”
The room tilts around me, panic colliding with the clarity I’m finally feeling.
“Liv,” I whisper.
She squeezes my shoulders. “Go find him. Say the words. You owe him the truth. I can’t take another thirteen years of you waiting to find your way back to each other.”
“This is why you’re my best friend,” I say, pulling her into a tight hug before running out of my room toward Jace’s.
Just as I take off down the hall, Mitch starts storming after me. As predicted. He’s probably cursing whoever cast me, but oh well.
“Kieran! I swear to God if you’re about to cancel another ceremony! Where the hell are you running off to?” he yells.
“Don’t worry, it’s all good!” I yell back as the camera crew chases after me down the hallway, but they’re still pretty far behind.
I pound on Jace’s door, and when he opens it, he looks shocked to see me in such a panic. Joey and Patrick are in his room with him, as well as a couple of the camera crew, but they’ve all fallen silent at my sudden appearance.
“Jace, I need to talk to you,” I demand, pushing my way into the room. I grab his hand and pull him into the bedroom of the suite he’s in. I lock the door behind us but don’t stop until I pull him into the bathroom, paranoid that even the bedroom might have cameras set up in it.
“What’s going on?” he questions, worry written all over his face.
“Kieran! Get out of there! What is going on!” I hear Mitch yelling on the other side of the bedroom door, but I don’t care. This is my moment.
“Jace, I can’t do this—”
“What do you mean you can’t?” he cuts in loudly, sounding completely panicked. “Are you backing out? Please don’t—”
“No! Jace, no. You didn’t let me finish.
” He looks heartbroken, and I need to get that look off his face immediately.
“I can’t do this if it’s not real,” I clarify, rushing to explain.
“I can’t stand out there tomorrow and say vows that you think are just for show when every single word I say to you in them is the truth. ”
Jace blinks, stunned, like my words don’t compute.
There’s still so much commotion on the other side of the door.
Patrick and Joey are yelling, probably attempting to drown out our conversation as they tell everyone to give us space.
It’s making the air between us feel even smaller, tighter, as he processes.
“I don’t get it,” he whispers, shaking his head. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying—” My throat closes, and I have to force the words out over my fear.
“I’m in love with you, Jace. I tried to pretend it was fake, tried to bury it, but I can’t anymore.
Not when I’m about to promise to love you forever on TV, and every cell in my body means it.
I love you so much, and I want this to be real. ”
The world around us stops. The commotion outside seems to fade away and neither of us are breathing as his mouth falls open. For a moment, he looks like he’s forgotten how to speak.
“I don’t care about the cameras,” I go on, my voice shaking.
“I don’t care about the show or what this does to my image or what people say.
I don’t care if my career disappears. I care about you.
Only you. And if we’re about to walk out there tomorrow and say our vows, then I want them to be real.
I want this to be real. I love you, Jace.
I need you to know how much I love you. I want to marry you, for real, with no end date. If you’ll have me.”
His hand trembles as he reaches out to grab mine. “Kieran…”
I sink to my knees on the cold bathroom floor, looking up at him. My heart is pounding so hard it feels like it’s going to crack my ribs.
“Baby, now isn’t the time for a blowjob,” Jace whispers, his lips parted with surprise.
“Shut up, I’m trying to be romantic,” I deadpan.
God, I love him so much. I steady myself, looking up at him.
“Jace, I might have dropped to my knees for you in a bathroom or two before, but this time, I want it to mean something. Will you marry me? Will you marry me for real? Will you be my husband?”
Jace’s breath stutters, his whole body trembling as he stares at me on the floor. For a split second, he looks like he doesn’t believe what I’ve just said. Then his eyes flood, and he drops down to his knees in front of me so fast we nearly knock heads.
“Yes,” he breathes, voice cracking. He cups my face in both hands like he’s terrified I’ll take it back. “God, Kieran, yes! Yes, I’ll marry you! For real. I’ve wanted this to be real the whole time. I love you. I’ve wanted this—wanted you—long before—”
I don’t even let him finish before my lips crash into his.
The kiss is desperate, messy, and perfect.
His hands slide into my hair, my arms slide around his shoulders, and suddenly the world is just happiness and joy.
The weight of the years we’ve wasted explode into this one moment where we finally, finally get it right.
Because he said yes.
For real.
The banging on the door comes back into focus. Mitch is shouting something about ruining the show with so much hiding, but when we stumble out of the bathroom, opening the bedroom door, flushed and holding hands, none of that matters.
Joey’s eyes are wide and he looks like he’s waiting for confirmation of something, so when Jace says “It’s happening, it’s really happening,” Joey and Patrick absolutely lose it.
“Holy shit! It’s happening!” Joey exclaims as he pumps his fist into the air, and I burst into laughter at how happy I am.
Patrick lets out this obnoxious cheer that even makes the camera crew laugh, and before I know it, the two of them are hugging us both like they’ve been waiting their whole lives for this too.
Jace and I are laughing, grinning so hard my cheeks hurt, and kissing again because I can’t not kiss him.
We’re really doing this.
We’re choosing each other.
And it’s the happiest I’ve ever been.