Chapter 29
Twenty-nine
James
I thought I’d been nervous before, stepping back into this life with the goal of doing it all differently.
Somehow, that nervousness paled in comparison to sitting on this sofa, faced with an Edwin who knew something was very off.
He’d figured out half of it, apparently, based on what he’d just said.
Someone had a choke hold on my throat right now, my stomach climbing up into it.
I seriously had underestimated how quickly he’d put this together.
On the other hand, because he’d figured out so much, I dared think I might be able to convince him. And Vuheia had said Edwin’s soul remembered. If nothing else, I had to try. I couldn’t keep up this charade around him for much longer.
All right. Just start. Any delay and he’d start shaking answers out of me.
“You are correct. I did regress. This is actually my second go at this life.”
Edwin’s face showed a mix of triumph and disbelief, then he shook his head, sending his hair almost into his eyes. He’d not waxed it today, which gave him a soft, almost rumpled appearance I liked very much.
Edwin looked me dead in the eye as he demanded, “Second?”
“Right. Second. The second time I’ve been adopted into the royal family, the second time meeting you, all of it. To be precise, I went back a little over ten years in time. I died on the battlefield in my first life defeating the Demon King—”
Recognition flared in his eyes as I gave him another piece of the puzzle to slot into place.
“—which was why, when I restarted this life, the first thing I did was make sure he wouldn’t revive anytime soon.”
Edwin took his glasses off before passing a hand over his face, the computations and gears grinding away behind his eyes. He wasn’t arguing, though, which I took as a good sign.
“In our first life, after I was adopted in, I met you. We worked together for almost a year before I realized I was falling in love with you.”
Edwin jolted, jaw hanging somewhere near his feet.
Look at his dumbfounded expression. I wanted to kiss it away, but he needed answers right now more than anything. I reined in the impulse.
“At almost the same moment I realized my feelings, several things happened all at once. First, Victor managed to kill himself through sheer stupidity, which left the succession in turmoil. Everyone urged me to take the throne next. I argued against this, futilely, as I didn’t want the throne or the arranged marriage that came with it.
I lost the argument. Mostly because there was no better candidate and too many people depended on me.
I felt pressured, but accepting it was a mistake.
I should never have let myself be shoved onto the throne. ”
Just remembering those days brought back heartache—the burning frustration of being tied to things not of my own making, of being kept from what I wanted most. I had no way to undo the damage from my first life, to emotionally resolve any of it, except through my actions in this life.
Still, the emotions burned in my veins, and I gulped some of the wine to take the edge off.
Thank all the gods for the wine. I had a feeling I’d need it to get through this.
“Princess Valentina from Ascor was my wife. We had a horrible marriage. Even as a political partner, she was subpar. She didn’t want to do any of the work, take on any of the responsibilities of her position. She was, in a word, a female Victor.”
Edwin winced, face screwing up in a sour grimace. “Gods, what a thought.”
“Yes, there’s unfortunately two of them running loose in the world.
Something I plan to deal with later. At any rate, the marriage was a disaster from start to finish.
I wished daily that she’d just die. I couldn’t find the means to divorce her, and no one would let me.
I also didn’t have the time to properly argue the point or force a divorce through. Our country had too many disasters.”
Edwin’s eyes searched mine. “Retazo’s Wrath?”
“Was the first of them, yes. Although in this life it happened months earlier. It should have happened at the end of the monsoon season. I didn’t realize how bad the seawalls were, and when the disaster hit, Victor was still alive and in charge of the project.
It was…devastating. Worse than what happened this time.
The entire lower half of the capital was washed out.
We lost a third of the population. It took us years to rebuild even with me throwing as much money and manpower as I could into the situation. ”
A dry laugh escaped me, from Vuheia knew where, because none of this was funny.
“Ironically, my handling of the disaster made me popular with the citizens. Also how I was prompted to become the next king. I have a feeling it might do the same in this life.”
“It already has,” Edwin stated quietly.
“Zinos take me, I hope not,” I muttered before taking another swig of wine. “I do not need that pressure on me again. Edwin, how are you? Is this too much?”
“Keep going,” he encouraged in his quiet, thoughtful manner. “You’re not anywhere near done speaking, I can tell.”
Well, if he was ready to hear more, then I would keep talking. I just hoped his final conclusion to this conversation wouldn’t be that I was mad.
“Like I said, the Wrath was the first of the disasters. We nearly faced an economic collapse because of how much damage it caused. It took almost five years of hard work to get our economy stable again. We lost nearly half the country’s population to salence, as well, and if not for Royce’s research, we may well have lost the rest. I’m sure you’ve wondered why I backed him up and provided him more funding? ”
“I have. On many occasions.”
“That’s why. To safeguard my people in the future.
His cure really does work. Well, it will as soon as he comes up with it again.
Just when I thought we’d get our feet back under us, the next wave of disasters struck.
The portal to the demon realm was opened, releasing the Demon King into the world once more, at which point he flew into the depths of the Iron Mountains to the north and summoned a hellish army. ”
“Do you know how?”
I shook my head miserably. I tried to wash out the bitter taste in my mouth with more wine, but it only slightly helped.
“No. I sent people to investigate but was never able to figure it out. Mostly because everyone who witnessed his rising was instantly killed. I also had no time to figure out the why when it took every bit of time and skill to raise an army to defeat him. We lost every village along the border before I was able to even get my soldiers in place. Words can’t describe the horror.
He’d turned the whole landscape into a hellscape of desolation and heat.
“The eve of battle, I had everyone with me, with you managing the supplies and support at the rear. And I received word you’d been found dead. Murdered.”
Edwin flinched, head canted in confusion. “What?”
“I don’t know why or how.” Grief kept swelling my throat shut, and I had to force each word through.
Someone once told me grief was love with nowhere to go, and it couldn’t be more true.
The wound was raw, still actively bleeding, because despite sitting here, he wasn’t my Edwin yet.
I had to look away from him to keep the tears at bay.
“That’s the hell of it, I don’t know. No one could tell me.
If I hadn’t been hours away from battling the Demon King, I would have ridden straight back to where you were and investigated, figured out who’d been responsible, and made them pay dearly.
To my cost, I couldn’t even properly mourn you that night.
I was on standby for hours, waiting on the Demon King to come into the magic trap we’d set.
It was agony, sitting in that tent, unable to do anything but cry. I couldn’t even risk getting drunk.”
Edwin’s hand found mine and I squeezed, hard.
“You’re always so good about giving me what I need.” I refused to let go of his hand.
Edwin’s expression was enigmatic, impossible to read. “Were we lovers?”
“No. I couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t be married and treat you like an affair partner.
My heart broke at just the idea. Still, we were incredibly close.
You often stayed the night with me when I was overwhelmed and in need of a shoulder to lean upon.
I stayed the night with you many times at your house, as well. ”
“Hence you knowing where my house is,” he murmured, mostly to himself. “And what was in my library.”
“You read all of Barman’s books to me. Those, I remember well. I’d sit in your parlor, sip wine, and listen as you read aloud. It was so incredibly relaxing. Sometimes, you reading to me was the only thing that could get me to sleep at night.”
“Barman? Of all the books you liked, it was Barman? Not what I’d expected.”
“You read many books to me, not just hers. Honestly, you could have read a ship’s manifest and I’d have listened happily.
Anything I could do with you made me happy.
” I looked down at our joined hands and found the strength to keep going.
“When you died, I lost all will to live. I went into battle with the thought that I’d kill the Demon King—but I wasn’t coming out of that battle alive. I didn’t want to.”
“James!” Edwin lurched in shock, nearly knocking over his own wineglass. His hand on mine became a stranglehold. “Is that why you died?”
“Basically. I didn’t do anything to guard myself as I fought him.
I was offensively attacking only. He scored several hits against me that led to my death; I bled out right there on the ground before the mages could heal me.
It was such a relief to die, honestly. I was so utterly fed up with my life.
Nothing had gone according to my own wishes, I was miserable as a king, and I hated my wife enough to kill her myself.
With you gone, what was the point of living? ”
Tears shone in Edwin’s beautiful blue eyes. I hadn’t meant to make him so sad, but there was no other way to explain what happened next, either. He had to understand just how much he meant to me for the next part of the story to make sense.
I silently pleaded with him to understand me.
I needed that more than anything else. I was so tired—exhausted from grief, regret, from the effort of holding back—and I just didn’t have much left in me anymore.
Hopefully the sincerity came through in my voice.
I used words to the best of my ability, because if he was openly listening to me, I must somehow reach him.
“Once I died, I unexpectedly met with an angel. It still doesn’t make sense to me why I deserved to meet one, but she said I had successfully completed every Task I had promised to do before my birth. For that, I was guaranteed a place in Paradise.”
“Wait, you were at the in-between plane? You remember that?”
“I do. And the descriptions of the place are completely accurate. Bit of a shock to me, too. Anyway, I was so heartsore, even the idea of Paradise held no appeal. Honestly, I didn’t feel like I’d succeeded at anything, didn’t feel like I’d earned Paradise.”
Edwin’s voice rose into the octave of cold brass instruments. “Did you turn it down?!”
“Well, sort of. I bargained with the angel.”
“You bargained—” Edwin’s head tipped back and he blew out a gusty breath. “Of course you did. Of course you fucking did. Why am I not surprised you negotiated even with them?”
I shrugged. His reaction almost amused me. Well, perhaps this Edwin knew me better than I’d realized. “What else was I supposed to do? I told them if you weren’t going to Paradise with me, then I wouldn’t go. I’d wait for you right there until you could join me. That…did not make them happy.”
“Them?”
“I may have upset the first angel so much she called for a supervisor.”
Edwin snorted a laugh, although it sounded darkly unamused in a way. “Somehow, your being stubborn with angels doesn’t surprise me either. So you bargained. With two angels. And won the argument?”
“I did. Paradise without you isn’t Paradise to me.
I also found it distinctly unfair that you’d fought along with me to defeat the Demon King, in your own way, and weren’t given any credit.
So, I argued. In the end, Vuheia agreed I got one more chance at this life.
If I failed in my new goals, then I was to go to Paradise without any further trouble.
If I won, then I could have what I really wanted—you. ”