29. Rabbie
29
Rabbie
The next day went by quickly, I was busy in the kitchen baking Christmas orders and Crystal was out the front working away on planning the launch party for the website. Originally it would’ve made sense to have the launch party here in the cafe but I wanted to invite everyone in Crossmackie, and Sweet Treats is way too small to fit everyone in. It was a no-brainer that I was going to invite the whole town because they have been my constant support throughout the years of working here, and eventually becoming the owner. I wanted to show them how much I appreciated them by inviting them all to the launch party which is also now doubling as a little Christmas party as it’s so close to Christmas.
After talking about it over drinks last night we collectively agreed that The Drunken Duck would be the best venue to hold the launch party. Everyone usually comes here at night time anyways so it made sense that it should be here. Mac was happy to offer The Drunken Duck as a venue, I told him that I would pay a venue hire fee and he laughed at me and shook his head. The generosity of this community, my community, is overwhelming. That’s what we do in Crossmackie: we help each other out.
I told him that I would be paying for all the drinks and food, he tried to refuse of course but I put my foot down and told him that I was paying him whether he liked it or not.
Today was busy, but I can’t recall a time where I felt this content in my life, everything is finally falling into place. I’ve realised that this happened when I stopped running away from my doubts and anxious thoughts. When I stopped fighting my feelings towards Crystal. Taking that leap of faith was the best thing I’ve ever done. I’m no longer terrified of the future or the past, I’m completely content living in the present.
I look up at the clock in the kitchen and realise it’s way past closing time. I don’t get time to stop this time of the year, it’s my busiest Christmas season yet. I’ve made over a hundred Christmas orders already and they aren’t slowing down. Today has been a little busier than usual. I hear Nellie and Crystal in the front of the cafe chatting away as they close the cafe, and I could’ve sworn my mum was meant to be here today to help. Crystal has been helping Nellie on the days my mum isn’t scheduled to work. I told her she doesn’t need to but she insisted on it, she told me she feels terrible that she sits at the table whilst Nellie is rushing around her cleaning.
That worrying pit starts to form in my stomach, the one that I used to get a lot when I was a wee lad. The one of dread that my mum wasn’t going to show up. I haven’t had that feeling in a long time. I try to offer my anxious mind a simple explanation, and try not to get myself worked up over it. The years of being constantly let down by empty promises clearly has taken its toll on me. I shake my head. I knew this would happen, so I shouldn’t be as disappointed as I am. There was a tiny shred of hope that she really meant what she said about trying to change when she approached me in the hall on St. Andrews day, but I guess that was another empty promise.
I start packing away my kitchen in silent frustration when my mum comes rushing through the back door, a look of panic on her face.
“Rabbie, I’m sorry I’m late. The bus broke down on the way here, and then my phone died so I couldn’t call the cafe to let you know. I tried to get here as quickly as I could but the rain slowed me down, ” She wipes wet hair from her face. She’s soaking wet and out of breath.
I blink at my mum in shock, the heavy feeling of dread slowly fading.
“You walked the rest of the way here, in the rain?” I ask, shocked.
“Aye, I’m sorry,” she offered again.
I look at my mum standing in my kitchen, dripping wet from the rain with a pleading look on her face. I think she knew what I’d think if she didn’t turn up and now I can see that she really is trying to change. She’s really trying to salvage our relationship. I know we have a long road ahead of us, and I don’t know if I will fully forgive her but I can see now that she’s trying.
“The girls are nearly finished cleaning out the front.”
A look of disappointment falls across her face, and it’s not at me but at herself. I can tell she’s disappointed in herself for being late. A pang of sympathy spreads through me.
“You can help me in here, if you’d like?”
I don’t usually allow anyone in here, let alone touch any of my equipment, but she made the effort to get here. I’d feel terrible to turn her back out into the rain, and my kitchen is a little messier than usual today from all the orders I’ve been baking.
My mum’s head snaps up and a soft look of gratitude spreads across her face. She hangs up her wet coat on the hook by the backdoor and looks around my small kitchen. I can’t quite read the look on her face but they land on the few Christmas puddings on the stainless steel island that I’d just pulled out of the oven.
She closes her eyes and smells the aroma of the Christmas puddings. “I love Christmas pudding. It smells divine in here.”
“Aye, it’s Nan’s recipe.”
The mention of nan, makes her hang her head in shame. And it’s evident that my mum has a lot of work to do with rebuilding not just our relationship, but the one with her mum too. My nan has never once spoken ill of her daughter, she hardly mentions her. But I can tell the years of not talking and after her abandoning me, has taken its toll on my nan’s health. I lost a mum that day, and my nan lost a daughter. We got through our pain together. I love my nan so much, she is the reason I am the man today. She is the most important person in my life. I haven’t had a chance to speak to her about this recently and I feel guilty about it. I make a mental note to call her later and tell her how much she means to me, and to check in on her about my mum’s sudden reappearance. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own feelings and with what’s going on with Crystal to stop and think how my nan might be feeling about this. My shameful thought is dashed when my mum finally speaks.
“How is she?” She asks, looking concerned, worried and scared all in one.
My nan is no spring chicken, and I can tell by the look on my mum’s face that she regrets wasting years of not talking to her or trying to rekindle their relationship.
“She’s good, still a wee firecracker,” I offer my mum a little reassurance.
Her shoulders drop a little, and she rolls up her damp sleeves and starts filling the sink with water to wash the dirty mixing bowls and spoons. I can see the years of stress on my mum’s face, it’s aged her considerably. I think about time, and how much it’s a thief. I’m not justifying that her leaving me and my nan was the right thing to do, but I want to try and understand from her perspective. She mentioned that my dad was abusive to her, and it makes me sick to my stomach. My skin feels like it’s crawling with the thought of being abusive to anyone let alone the person you claim to love the most. I feel like such an ignorant prick for being short with her after she told me about her situation.
“Did he ever hurt you?” I blurt out, and I instantly regret my landing of the question.
The question has been bubbling away in me since St. Andrews day, what she said about him being abusive. I should’ve asked her there and then, but I was occupied with Crystal and Angus Anderson. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt through finally putting the past behind me is to ask the tough questions. I spent years refusing to talk to my mum and when she finally came back, all I could’ve done was talk to her, ask questions.
Her grip tightens around the spoon she’s holding, and her shoulders tense. She looks at me with wide eyes, I can see the panic in them, and I hate that anyone could make another person feel that terrified. After what feels like a lifetime, she finally musters the courage to speak.
“No, he got close a couple of times. He would call me every name under the sun, and threaten violence. But he never laid a finger on me.”
I can see the slight shake in her hands as she holds the spoon over the sink, and by instinct I grab her hands to steady her nerves. I don’t know why, but a part of me wanted to comfort her. She tenses slightly, but relaxes as she looks into my eyes.
“I’m sorry that happened to you, I wish we could’ve helped,” I sigh.
She scoffs but in a helpless way.
“You were a wee lad, and besides I was blinded by the abuse. It’s hard to explain, but people who are in abusive situations do things that might not make sense to other people like pushing friends and family away. I thought he would eventually change after the countless times he would apologise and be nice to me for a couple of days. I’m not proud of how I handled things with you and nan, but I didn’t want to drag you into it. I was scared that he would switch to you when you got bigger. I regret not leaving him years ago, and that’s something I live with,” she says, with a tear running down her cheek.
The thick tension in the air makes it hard to breath, the shock, the pain is engulfing me too. I see now that my mum hasn’t been perfect in any means but I can see now why she did what she did. It doesn’t make it any better, but it makes it easier for me to accept the reason why. And now I’m ready to start working at rebuilding our relationship, and I know it will be a long process but we’ll get there.
I pull her in close to me and wrap my arms around her, she drops the spoon instantly and hugs me back tight. Years of pain ripple out of her, and I can tell by her tight grip on me that she’s been wanting this for so long. I’m finally done being sad and angry at the past, we can’t change it so we can only try to change from here.
My mum lets out a long sigh that feels like getting rid of years of tension, and I smile because I do exactly the same. She finally chuckles into the crook of my shoulder, and wipes away the tears as we break the hug.
“You don’t know how long I’ve waited for that. I know we have a lot to work on, but I wanted to thank you for giving me a chance,” she admits.
“I know, me too. It’s okay, I’m glad we’re finally taking this step, it’s been a long time coming,” I laugh.
She finally smiles at me, and I can see the stress slowly melting away. We stand together side by side at the sink and make the conversation lighter whilst she washes and I dry. It’s a nice way to distract the awkwardness of an estranged mother and son conversation.
“Rab–oh sorry. Hey, Susie, I didn’t think you were working today,” Crystal says as she comes rushing through the door to the kitchen. A flicker of a frown appears and then quickly disappears across her face. I’m the only one who notices it.
“It’s a long story,” I smile at Crystal.
“Sorry, I was just coming in to tell you that everyone’s waiting for us at The Drunken Duck,” she says.
I look up at the clock and it’s way later than I expected it to be, the afternoon has slowly slipped away from me. I look at my mum and then at Crystal. I should cancel on the drinks, heck we’re there practically every night, but I want to spend as much time with Crystal as I can before she goes back to America for Christmas.
“You go, I can close the door behind me,” my mum offers.
I don’t make an effort to move, a fleeting thought of not trusting my mum crosses my mind. I think she can read the look on my face, and her face flushes.
“Only if you’re comfortable with me doing that,” she adds.
Crystal shifts uncomfortably by the door. I remember back to the conversation that just happened between me and my mum. The agreement I made with myself to move forward, and work at our relationship. This is the first step, letting her close up for me shouldn’t be a big deal, but it is to me. Not that I think she would take anything, there isn’t anything worth taking, and I always lock away the days takings in my flat upstairs which is always locked. Sweet Treats is my safe space, my haven, my livelihood. I think it feels weird to let her stay here by herself when I feel like I hardly know her. But I need to give her this chance, and show her I’m willing to trust her. I hope it doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass. I calm my anxious thoughts, and smile at her.
“Aye, of course. Only if you’re okay with it?” I ask her.
A small smile spreads across her face, and she knows how big of a decision that would’ve been for me to make.
“Of course, there’s only one bowl left to wash.”
“Aye, the front is all locked up so you’ll only have to close the backdoor behind you,” I tell her.
“No worries,” she reassures me.
“How will you get home though?” I suddenly feel worried about her getting home.
“Dinny fash, I’m sure there’s another bus on the roads by now.”
I try to get my mind to move my legs but I’m stuck still in my kitchen, Crystal wanders over to me and places a hand on my arm and smiles up at me. Her reassuring demeanour makes me relax.
“Bye Susie,” Crystal says to my mum with a soft smile.
My mum returns the smile, and gives me a reassuring nod. Crystal grabs my jacket from the hook and leads me out the backdoor and down the street towards The Drunken Duck. We walk in silence, and the further we get away from Sweet Treats the more I start to think it was a bad idea leaving my mum alone in my safe place. As if she can read my mind, Crystal squeezes my hand to calm my nerves.
“Do you think I’m an idiot for letting her be there by herself?”
Crystal stops in her tracks and I see the flicker of a frown she had when she first walked into the kitchen. She doesn’t meet my eyes and that’s all I need to know.
“I’m not sure. I hope for your sake she can be trusted. I don’t want to see you get hurt, so I hope you can understand my reservations?” She finally meets my eyes, and her big green eyes ground me and make me feel safe. I don’t know when she started feeling so sturdy for me, but I respect her honesty and her protectiveness of me.
“Aye, I know. I’ve got to at least try. It makes me angry and sad of years that have been wasted, not just for me, but for my nan too. I’m tired of keeping people at arm’s length in fear of getting hurt. I want to start living my life to the fullest, and I have you to thank for that,” I tuck a stray strand of red hair behind her ear, and let my hand linger on her cheek.
She leans into my touch, and exhales softly. I grab the other side of her face and pull her to me, her body fits perfectly against mine like it was made for me. She looks up at me with twinkly eyes and I feel the happiest I’ve ever felt at this moment. Just the two of us standing out in the crisp cold night, in the middle of the street talking just like we did that night after we had dinner at my nan’s. I kiss her soft and slow, and she melts into me with a soft groan. I will never ever get tired of kissing her, and hear those little groans she makes.
“I think we both have each other to thank. If it wasn’t for you I would never have been able to talk to my mum and lay everything out on the table,” she smiles against my lips.
“Who’d have thought it? Two people with two very fucked up views on relationships finally overcoming their generational traumas together,” I chuckle.
“How grown up of us,” she laughs with me.
“Aye, nobody else I’d rather do it with,” I kiss her again.
She smiles against my lips, “Come on, we were meant to be at the pub ages ago. I’ll race you,” she pushes my chest and I stumble backwards.
Crystal starts off running toward The Drunken Duck giggling and squealing.
“Loser has to buy the first round!,” she shouts.
“You’re a wee cheat,” I chase after her.