16. Regrets
16
Regrets
WINTER
As heavy snow falls on the other side of my frozen window, I cradle my knees against my chest and search for the answer to a question that may very well end me: Can you die from a broken heart?
The internet says no.
The ache in my rib cage says we’ll see.
Tightly wrapped in a blanket on the couch with a not-so-hot chocolate in my left hand, I pet Waze, who’s snuggled up next to me, and glance at the fireplace I’ve literally never used until today. The fire will be dead soon, but keeping it alive would require my nonexistent energy and motivation. I’m surprised I’m even keeping myself alive at this point.
The night of my birthday was arguably the worst night of my entire life, after the ones where I got taken and slept in a basement, of course—ah, fun times. I must’ve gotten ten whole minutes of sleep, if that. I woke up every hour with my eyes sealed shut from dried tears, wiped them open, then cried some more.
Haze showed up at Allie’s the next day. They didn’t let him in, but he told Kendrick he was moving out of the apartment so that I could stay there. Said the least he could do was spare me having to move back in with my wicked mother. I do appreciate the gesture. It’ll give me some time to search for a new place, and I don’t think I would’ve survived Maika and Jaden’s questions. I could hear their pestering from miles away. Where’s Haze? What happened to Haze? Are you still together? When’s Haze coming over? I went so far as to cancel my family birthday party so I wouldn’t have to be reminded of how head over heels the whole world is over the boy who broke my heart.
Coming home to an empty apartment and walking into our bedroom to see half of Haze’s clothes gone fucked me up in a way I didn’t think possible. He left some of his stuff, but he had very few items to begin with.
I guess it hadn’t fully dawned on me until then.
Haze and I are over. Done. The end.
I still can’t believe it.
It’s been four days.
Four days of torture.
Four days of asking myself questions with no answers. Well, technically, I could get answers. I’m just not emotionally ready for them. The familiar buzzing of my phone interrupts the racing thoughts in my head.
Haze Adams is calling.
I press Decline. How many missed calls do I have? Thirty? Forty? I’ve lost count. Don’t even get me started on the unopened texts. I know him. He’s not going to stop until I hear him out.
But I can’t.
I can’t answer him. I can’t see his face, his smile. I can’t hear his voice. I’m terrified if I do, I’ll want to keep hearing it. If I do, I’ll start crying again, and I just got myself to stop.
Allie’s been staying with me and Kendrick since Haze moved out. Proud member of team Waze, she keeps on telling me that I’m being too hard on him. She says it’s clear he didn’t only come for his revenge and that the one thing he did wrong doesn’t erase all the things he did right.
Problem is, the thing he did wrong was the foundation of all the things he did right.
And, in the end… we built a house on a land made of lies.
“God, it smells like sadness in here,” Allie says when she walks inside the apartment and shuts the door. She’s been out for a few hours. She had classes today. I’ve been getting some assignments from one of the girls from school, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to go. I’ve been considering dropping out, if I’m being completely honest. I wasn’t a hundred percent sold on journalism even before any of this happened.
Waze jumps off the couch, barking and running toward Allie. She pets him with a smile. He’s starting to like her more than me. Understandable as she’s the one who’s been walking him for the past few days.
“I got Chinese. I’m not letting you starve over a boy.” She takes off her coat and kicks her boots off. It’s been snowing for three days straight.
“Where’s Kendrick?” I ask.
“He went to run some errands. He’ll be back soon. Hey, hm… Caleb called me again. He told me to tell you he’s sorry.”
I shrug as a response, and Allie knows better than to insist. I can’t technically be mad at him for exposing Haze. Yes, he was the biggest asshole I’ve ever met, but in the end, he was the only one to be honest with me.
What hurt the most is how satisfied he was when he told me. How much he seemed to enjoy driving a stake through my heart. And did he really have to do it on my birthday? In front of everybody to top it all off?
“Seriously? You haven’t moved at all since I left? You’re going to merge with the couch, Winter. What’s next? A wedding?” Allie rests takeout boxes in front of me and drops down on the couch. I bend forward and pick my food off the coffee table.
“You know what? Maybe I should. At least the couch won’t lie to me.”
She laughs. “Winter Kingston, now dating furniture after giving up on men.”
My phone lights up again.
Haze Adams is calling.
I press Decline and hope she didn’t see it. I don’t want her to talk about hi—
“He’s persistent, I give him that.”
Shit.
“You still won’t talk to him?”
I don’t reply.
“Listen, I know I don’t get to tell you what to do, but you should pick up. At least give him a chance to explain.”
“Why? For him to lie to me again? Roberto and I are good, thanks.” I pat the couch, and she chuckles.
“Now she’s naming the couch. That’s it. Get up.” She plucks the takeout box from my hand before I can take a bite.
“Hey!” My empty stomach screams at me. I haven’t eaten once today, and it’s past 1:00 p.m.
“Later. Did you shower today?” She arches an eyebrow. I shake my head. I probably look like Shrek. I’ve been doing my best to avoid mirrors. I already have a broken heart; I don’t need nightmares, too. “You, my dear, are in desperate need of an Allievention.”
“Allievention?” I frown.
“Allie intervention, duh. Get your ass off the couch,” She pulls me to my feet. I groan. “Hop in the shower. We’re having a girls’ day.”
HAZE
I curse under my breath as my call goes straight to voicemail for the billionth time today. I want to throw my phone against the wall, take a baseball bat to the screen until shattered pieces spread across the floor. I want to break it, wreck it. But I know I’ll just end up running to the store to get a new one so I can keep calling her—sorry, getting ignored by her.
She’s been dodging my calls for the past four days, and I’m losing my goddamn mind. It’s gotten to the point of thinking I hear her voice everywhere I go, almost having a heart attack whenever my phone lights up. Every time, I hope it’s a message from her, and every time…it’s not.
I can’t stop thinking about her alone at home. I wonder what’s stopping me from driving over there and begging her to listen to me. She won’t have a choice but to forgive me.
I know she needs time and I shouldn’t come back until she’s ready to talk to me, but fuck, it’s hard. Crashing at Vic’s is already pissing me off. He’s going through heartbreak, too. And while I’m a fucking mess, I’m nothing compared to him. You see, I’m a mess with hope— he has none. He’s sloppy, rude, getting drunk at every hour of the day, and he’s bringing random girls home every night. He goes out, finds someone to fuck, brings her home, and kicks her out. Then he goes back out the next day and does it all over again.
It’s over, Haze.
Her words rip me open.
No, it’s not.
It’s not over.
Not for me.
I miss her. So bad. I even miss Waze, which is ridiculous considering I’ve barely lived with him for a couple of hours. Waze . I wince. Our ship name. I hope it’s not gone forever.
“Dude, we going out tonight. You coming?” Vic pounds on the guest room’s door.
The same question.
“Pass.”
The same answer.
I hear him sigh. He’s been hanging out with the shittiest people lately, a bunch of frat boys that drag him deeper into depression. He’s desperate to get me to be his wingman, but I don’t give a single shit about picking up girls at the club.
I have a girlfriend, I told him.
She dumped your ass,he replied.
And he isn’t wrong.
I know I fucked up. I always knew if she found out, she’d think I only came to avenge my sister. I have to prove myself to her. She has to know that I wasn’t just using her to get to Marcus. She has to know that all I did, I did for her.
One word, kid. Just one and bad things might start to happen.
Ricky’s words claw at me. There’s so much she doesn’t know. So much she doesn’t want to hear. All I can do is pray they don’t know that she found out. Sure, Caleb didn’t know or tell her shit about the organization, but I doubt they’d see it the same way.
Fuck, how can I keep her safe when she won’t even see me? I need to do something. But what?
“Have you seen my earring?” some girl Vic brought home squeaks in the living room. From what I heard last night, she’s a screamer.
Her sentence slaps me right in the face.
It all becomes clear.
I know what I have to do.
WINTER
When I step out of the shower and hear laughter, I wonder if Allie is watching reruns of Friends or laughing at her own thoughts—which wouldn’t surprise me. Maybe Kendrick came home? Whatever it is, I doubt she invited people over. I didn’t exactly make tons of friends since moving back.
I dry off my hair with a towel and throw on the black dress Allie picked out for me. She said my pajamas aren’t good enough for what she’s planned. Agree to disagree, but okay.
When my eyes come in contact with my reflection in the mirror, nostalgia rolls over me. This is the black dress Ryder bought for me when Haze and I were playing runaway in Colton Gate. This seems like forever ago. Allie had no idea about the history of this dress when she randomly picked it out of my closet. Haze wasn’t big on me wearing it at first. I find myself smiling at the thought. Then my smile fades completely.
Well, he can’t stop me anymore.
I step out of the bathroom, my slightly wet hair falling down my back. I’m all dressed up, looking a lot better on the outside than I feel on the inside. I even put on a little bit of makeup. Not that I really had a choice. I’d rather not make any children cry today.
“There she is,” Allie cheers when I turn the corner. Sitting on the couch with Kendrick, she smiles at me.
I narrow my eyes. “You two made all that noise by yourself?”
She grins. “Not exactly.”
I let out a yelp when three people jump up from behind the couch and scream a loud “Surprise!”
I blink a few times.
Kass, Alex, and Will.
All standing in my living room.
“Missed us?”