22. Matteo
Chapter 22
Matteo
T he look of hurt on Amelia’s face made me want to punch myself. How could I have been so stupid? Why did I say something like that to her? Did I really think that way of her?
I had no answers for my questions and that only served to further infuriate me. I was angry at myself and the stupid comment I’d made when Amelia said she missed coming to diners.
I doubt that.
Three simple words but the sentiment behind them was clear. I didn’t believe she could miss the diner. I asked myself why I thought that way and I realized that I still had a few unresolved emotions towards her. Those emotions had presented themself in an unexpected way.
They were a telltale sign that I hadn’t completely forgiven Amelia for what happened five years ago. There was a ripple effect created when she broke up with me and it set the tone for everything we would have today. She left me because I didn’t have anything and now that I had made something of myself, she was back in my life.
It was unsurprising that some part of me didn’t feel like I could trust her. Deep down I couldn’t help wondering if she was only with me because I had money now. That was why I found it so difficult to believe that she’d actually missed our diner dates.
I couldn’t help wondering all sorts of things as I sat opposite her. Would she leave me again if I were to somehow lose it all? Would losing everything I’d acquired cause her to dump me by the side of the road like she’d done last time?
Again, I had no answers to my questions. I looked at Amelia and I could still see the pain she felt in her eyes. I’d hurt her deeply. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“You said it because you believe it’s true,” she said as she sat back in her seat. Her eyes stared ahead at some point behind me. “Don’t you?”
I couldn’t answer that question. On the surface, I didn’t think that way about Amelia but clearly, my subconscious did. I watched as she nodded slowly. She read the answer in my silence.
Her lips trembled slightly. I knew her well enough to tell she was on the verge of tears, and I hated myself for making her cry. She’d gone through the trouble of planning this date for us but I ruined everything.
I reached for her hand and I felt thankful when she didn’t pull away. “I was an idiot. I spoke from a place of pain and I dumped the pain of the past on you. You’ve done a lot to show me that things are different now and I believe you. I promise I’ll never say anything like that again.”
Amelia still didn’t meet my eyes. I squeezed her hand gently and she finally looked at me. “Please forgive me,” I said.
I saw the moment when her resolve cracked. Her eyes softened and her hand squeezed mine back. She nodded. “Okay. I forgive you.”
We spent the rest of the evening trying out all the different milkshakes the restaurant had to offer. I laughed when Amelia tried the peach milkshake. She hated peaches. As expected, she spat it out the second she tasted it. She hurriedly reached for a napkin to wipe the taste off her tongue.
She glared at the drink. Then she glared at me. “It’s not funny,” she said, her eyes narrowing to slits.
“I told you that you weren’t going to like it. You hate peaches.”
Amelia cracked a small smile, unable to conceal her own amusement at the situation. “I thought my palette might have changed since the last time I tried it.”
I teased her about the milkshake for the rest of our date. Even as we walked into the penthouse later that evening, I still joked about her immediate and visceral reaction to the milkshake.
I was surprised when I saw a small bag sitting on the couch in the living room. I looked at Amelia and she shook her head. The bag wasn’t for her. It looked familiar though. I was certain I’d seen it before.
My brows shut up when I finally remembered who owned the bag. It belonged to my grandmother. I’d seen her carry it during one of her visits to New York. I hadn’t seen her since she dropped by my office a few weeks ago but she called often to check in and constantly sent me photos of her latest adventure.
I was happy she was getting the chance to live the life she wanted, the life she’d had to give up to raise me. She’d given me the world and now it was time to let her see it.
Speaking of the devil, my grandmother walked into the living room with a glass of water in her hands. She smiled brightly when she saw me. “Matteo! How are you?”
“I’m doing great,” I said as I slid a glance at Amelia. My grandmother followed my gaze, and her eyes landed on the woman beside me. She set her glass down on the table and approached with a thoughtful look.
She’d met Amelia a few times during the years we were dating. She knew how much I loved her because I always told her that I would marry Amelia someday. I hadn’t spoken about that dream in a long time. I saw the moment when my grandmother recognized Amelia. It was evident in the way her eyes brightened and her lips spread.
“Amelia?” she asked as she took the other woman’s hand.
Amelia nodded and smiled at her. The next moment was a blur of happy squeals and long hugs. My grandmother was happy to see Amelia again and it was clear that Amelia felt the same way.
I stood beside them as I watched them embrace. Seeing the two women I cared about most in the world be so close made my heart swell. In that moment, I felt completely content.
“How have you been my dear?” my grandmother asked. She pulled Amelia to the couch and they sat down.
I smiled at them, but my smile faltered when I noticed the sadness still lingering in Amelia’s eyes. It was the same sadness that I’d seen back in the diner. My words still hurt her. I’d apologized but I knew my apology didn’t change the fact that I’d hurt her. Saying sorry doesn’t make the other person just forget about the pain they feel.
I hated knowing she was still hurt. I never wanted her to be sad and I never wanted to be the reason behind her sadness. It killed me to know I’d caused her this much pain. I knew I had to fix it but I couldn’t do it now. Not with my grandmother around.
Thankfully, she didn’t stay long. After a quick meal, she left to chase whatever adventure was now in her sights. With her out of the house, I could finally address the elephant in the room.
I pulled Amelia to the couch where she and my grandmother had sat earlier. “About what I said at the diner… ”
Amelia didn’t meet my eyes. She stared at where my hand held hers and shook her head. “We don’t need to talk about it.”
“Yes, we do. What happened made me realize that I still had a few unresolved feelings about how our relationship ended. I didn’t recognize them at first because they manifested as doubts. Those doubts swarmed around in my head, but I managed to keep them under control. I managed to keep them in my head until tonight when I slipped up.”
She didn’t say anything so I continued. “The truth is that it’s been hard building trust again. I’m not saying I don’t trust you. I’m only saying it will take time for both of us to get to where we used to be. We are not the people we were five years ago. It’s like we’re starting a whole new relationship but there’s still a bit of baggage from the past. Still, I believe that in time, we’ll get there.”
I lifted her head so I could look at her. Amelia’s eyes watered and she gave me a wobbly smile. “You’re right, it’s going to take time,” she said. “But we’ll get there someday.”
“Someday soon.”
I wiped her cheeks with my thumb even though there were no tears. Her hand gripped my wrist as my lips lowered onto hers. She kissed me back and we slowly fell onto the couch. And when we finally moved to my bedroom, we left all our pain and past hurt behind. There was no space for that in the relationship we were building now.
I wanted to build something special with her and to do that, I needed to trust her. Trusting her meant letting go of the past because only after true forgiveness would we be able to move forward. Our future must be unencumbered by our pasts.
An hour later, I lay in bed with Amelia. She’d fallen asleep with her head on my chest, and I stroked her hair as I thought about what the future had in store for us. Neither of us knew where this new relationship was going.
The uncertainty scared me. I felt a strong need to proceed with caution but I knew I couldn’t do that. And I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to be cautious. I wanted to lose myself in my feelings for her. That was the only true way to love.
That was how I wanted to love her.