Chapter 14 How did you know it was my birthday? #2
Another sigh slips past my lips, my conscience waging a war inside me. “We’ve already done this, Han. There’s nothing left to say that hasn’t already been said.” Our relationship was more physical than it was meaningful. These words she’s saying feel somewhat out of place.
Tears immediately swell in her eyes, catching the florescent glow of the lights above us.
With a gulp, I’m hit with regret. “I didn’t mean to upset you.” I rest a hand on her shoulder, instantly pulling it back uncomfortably.
She nods, swiping at her eyes, looking anywhere but at me. “Of course you didn’t. I just… I just wish things could have worked out differently, you know?”
I try to give her any indication that I agree, but nothing comes to me. “Yeah,” I say, not strictly being honest. I do wish things could have worked out differently. Just not with Hannah. I’m a dick for not admitting it, but it’s the truth. “Will you be okay?”
It takes her a beat to compose herself. Unlocking her jaw and grabbing the handles of her basket with both hands, she eventually tips her head slightly to one side. “I always find a way.”
Determination masks her pain, and I have zero doubts that she’s being braver than she’s letting on. But seeing her for the first time since we split wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be.
Letting out a shaky breath, Hannah glides past me. I look back at her once, wondering if things had turned out differently, would what happened still have happened?
I quickly look away and forge on when I see her head beginning to turn.
I don’t want to give her mixed signals or make her think I want anything more.
I definitely cared for her, but I didn’t love her.
And as I walk around the store, getting what I need, my mind wanders to thoughts of our relationship and how it wasn’t all bad.
I think about my folks and the people back home. I imagine what my life might have looked like had I never left.
And then I think about my career and wonder whether or not I still want to be a paramedic or if I should change my job entirely.
But most of all, I think about Morgan. I think about how I feel when I’m with her and the way she’s seemed more like her old self in recent days. More than anything, I think about our kiss and how I want to do that again.
It’s nine by the time I’ve eaten, washed up and settled on the sofa. Stopping doom scrolling on my phone, I message Andy at the repair shop. He confirms I can swing by before I plan on seeing Tom.
Tom doesn’t know it, but after some careful consideration, I’m going to ask for a few hours at work.
I know he said he would let me know when he wants me back, but I know in the deepest parts of my soul that if I don’t attempt to go back sooner rather than later, I’ll lose my touch. I didn’t work as hard as I have to let it simply fade away.
Hannah unknowingly lifted some of the weight I’ve been carrying around with me. Her forgiveness hasn’t lessened the way that I feel, but it certainly feels a lot lighter to bear.
Just about to swipe away my messages, I notice Morgan online.
For a split second, I think about messaging her.
It seems like today was a day for small wins.
But I don’t want to ruin it. Besides, I’m a man with a lot of shit still to sort out.
What with her father, her arsehole brother and it being her first day at her new job, I decide it’s best to leave things as they are.
I reach for my beer, placing my phone on the table in front of me. It lights up as soon as it hits the wood.
Morgan: They’re beautiful
She sends me a picture of the sunflowers in a vase on her windowsill. I know it’s her room because in the corner of the picture she’s sent, I can just about make out the photos stuck to the side of a mirror. I can see one of me.
She kept that?
I still remember what I said to you when you took that photo
Morgan: Which one?
In the photo you sent, I can see the picture on the mirror. I remember what I said to you
Morgan: You do?
I told you a picture would last longer. Well, did it?
Morgan: Did what?
Did the picture help you to remember me all those years?
A few minutes later, her next message comes through. And like an explosion in my chest, I didn’t realise her words would hit me so hard.
Morgan: I didn’t need the picture to remember you, Paddy O’Keefe
You were pretty hard to forget, too, curly fries
Again, she takes a few moments before she replies.
Morgan: I took Kevin to the old oak tree this evening
I’m sorry I wasn’t there
Morgan: Don’t be. It was quite nice just me and him. I managed to do some writing while he slept
My lips curl as I type my reply, realising I’m now jealous of a dog.
Sounds peaceful. Did you see my mum?
Morgan: No, I broke in and stole Kevin right out from under her nose, right after Evie showed me her trophy and new belt
Was that a joke, curly fries?
Morgan: It was! Of course, your mum tried inviting me in for coffee, but I was already later than I said I’d be. I didn’t want to put her out
It was coffee, Morgs. Takes like, what, five minutes to make?
Morgan: Yes, but I like five sugars. I didn’t want to be THAT girl and cause a fuss
There’s a knock on my door, but I ignore it. Probably just next door, wanting me to turn down the TV. I do, still with my phone in my hand.
FIVE SUGARS?
Morgan: It used to be six
Because dropping one teaspoon makes all the difference?
Morgan: Of course
As your friend, and as a health professional, I’m telling you now that five sugars is REALLY BAD FOR YOU
There’s another knock which has me looking towards the door. “Who’s there?” I call out, but no one answers.
Morgan: Is that what we are, Paddy? Just two friends?
My fingers are moving across the screen with one hand as the other opens the door, mistakenly before checking the spy hole.
Wearing black heels, transparent tights held up with suspenders, lacy underwear and big, full, round breasts pushed up high on her chest by her matching bra, she leans against the frame of the door.
The trench coat covers her full length to anyone behind her, but to me, she holds it open, giving me a full show.
Shit.