Chapter 15 Living with regrets
Living with regrets
Paddy
For a split second, I debate pretending that I haven’t seen Hannah standing on my doorstep.
Shut the door, you idiot.
But my thoughts arrive too late.
Hannah presses her hand flat to my chest and pushes me back into my flat, closing the door behind her with a flick of her wrist.
Inhaling a steady breath, I back up, reminding myself that I hurt this woman. Took away something from her that I can never bring back. She may be on the brink of doing something she’ll regret, but despite everything, deep down, I still feel sorry for her.
“What are you doing here, Hannah?” My voice is steady. Unwavering. Completely unaffected by her half naked body.
She looks me up and down, teeth sinking into her bottom lip. Letting her coat slip off her shoulders, her long legs glide seductively my way before she cranes her neck. “I think you know, Paddy.”
The words, I’m guessing it didn’t work out with your new fella, are on the tip of my tongue, but I rein them in, swallowing my irritation. I sigh heavily, turning around and giving her my back.
She sucks in a breath, but what does she want me to say? Our relationship ending had been her decision. I just went and added fuel to the already lit fire.
“I’ve missed you, Paddy.” The light sounds of her heels clicking against my wooden floor edge closer. “Seeing you earlier made me realise that I shouldn’t have thrown that all away.”
A laugh bubbles up in my throat. I shove my hands in my pockets, keeping my intentions clear when I turn to face her. “That’s the first time you’ve admitted what you did,” I tell her.
She rocks back on her heels, glaring at me. Then she plasters on a fake smile, eyes turning flirtatious. “It took two to end what we had. I played my part. You played yours.”
“Played my part?” I question, ignoring her small step forwards.
I can tell by her tight jaw that she’s finding this hard. “Yes,” Hannah confirms, letting the trench coat hit the floor in her attempts to distract me.
I take another step back, not wanting her to get any closer, but come to a stop when the backs of my legs hit the coffee table.
Hannah’s lip twitches and one of her eyebrows raise. “We’re both to blame for not making this work.”
The reflection from the TV hits her glossy lips. “Let’s not forget why this didn’t work,” I say firmly, not pushing the blame of my actions onto her, but wanting her to finally apologise.
She huffs and arches her back, pushing her breasts towards me. They’re nice breasts, but they’re doing nothing for me right now. “You’re always so dramatic, Paddy. So what, I fucked another guy. Couples do that all the time with other men and women to keep the passion alive.”
“The passion?” I counter, my nostrils flaring. Her stretch of the truth is beginning to piss me off. “I caught you in my bed with one of your coworkers, Hannah. Our passion didn’t need keeping alive, that was just you being unfaithful.”
She looks up at me, sadness dancing behind the forced seduction in her eyes. “You can’t blame me for wanting more distraction.”
Blowing out my cheeks, I edge past her, ignoring her hands that reach out for me as I make my way to the island in the kitchen. “Are you blaming me, or the stress Aaron caused for you cheating?”
Rather than biting my head off like she normally does for using his name, she pauses before she says, “He made things difficult, I know that. But he was still my brother, and I still won’t get to see him ever again.
Neither will his children.” She bites out the word children.
I know she added that last part for effect. Her manipulation knows no end.
Leaning my hands against the counter, I drop my head and let out a sigh.
“I was mad at you for doing what you did. When I found Aaron by the side of the road, I wasn’t thinking about what could go wrong.
I was thinking about trying to make him see how much hurt he was causing you and your family.
I wanted to make things right. I wanted him to stop treating you all like pieces of shit. ”
“So you killed him?”
My hands bang the counter. “I didn’t mean to.”
She laughs disdainfully. “But. You. Did.” Her voice is thick with held back tears.
A rush of air leaves my lungs when I spin to face her.
Hannah’s made her way over to me. “I’m not blaming you, baby,” she forces herself to say, running her hands up, over my chest. It’s like she has her claws dug in, trapping me, when all she really wants to do is hurt me. “I just wish you hadn’t gone after him.”
I do too. “It was an accident,” I grind out those words I hate so much. I knew what I was doing that night. I wanted to make him see what an arsehole he was.
She exhales a long sigh. Normally, she would be so quick to challenge that idea, but she swallows her frustrations. “I know,” is the best she can do. “But we need to let the blame go and move past it.”
“Move past it?” I stare at her blankly, thoroughly confused by her change of tune.
It’s almost been a whole month since Aaron died. Not once in that time has Hannah asked me how I am or wanted to talk about how we move on. I’ve tried carrying on as normal, but clearly, it didn’t work. All that happened was that I found myself living with regrets, thinking about my past.
I’m a simple man when it comes down to it. I came from a simple life and grew up in a quiet place. Then as I got older and moved to the city, I started missing the things and people who meant the most to me.
Rather than drop everything and go back to that life, I pushed on because I was good at my job—still am, good at my job.
Being in the city is just no longer where I’m supposed to be.
“What?” she gasps. I try to break free from her, but she presses her body against my front, curling her fingers into the neck of my top. “I need you, Paddy.” Her lips part close to mine. I feel her breath against my skin when she whispers, “I still love you. You’re all I can think about.”
That’s a lie. “No, I’m not,” I say hoarsely, feeling her slide one hand down the front of my trousers. “Hannah—”
“Shh,” she whispers again, trying to coax me into giving her what she wants.
I grab her hand, stopping her from touching my cock.
If I meant anything to her, she would have stayed so we could talk.
She would have texted me or called me. I was grieving too, for the man who had become my friend.
It didn’t matter how Hannah and I had met, Aaron was someone I genuinely liked.
Before I began to see his true colours, we had got on like a house on fire.
Fuck. I shake my head rigidly. “You never once tried to see how I was.”
She glances at me before looking at my hand wrapped around hers. “You’re hurting me.”
I instantly let her go.
And she laughs. Like the true manipulative bitch that she is, she laughs at me. “Paddy,” she snickers. “Like you would ever intentionally hurt me.”
No. She’s right. “I only do that for people I care about.”
Hannah shakes her head, moving away, my words obviously cutting deeper than anything I could physically do to her. “Ouch,” she snaps sarcastically, before she turns and saunters off to retrieve her coat.
She bends, sticking out her arse, giving me a full show of what she thinks I’m missing out on.
Sliding her arms into each sleeve of her coat, she adjusts the collar. “Before I forget, I wanted to talk to you about something else.” She fastens the buttons as she walks towards where I’m now standing near the door.
“What’s that?” I let out with a weary sigh.
She bats her thick lashes up at me when she’s closer. “I’ll be moving back in to this place with the girls as soon as Aaron’s will is finalised.”
I frown. “What are you talking about?”
All traces of her attraction towards me fall away. This is her real reason for coming here tonight. I can tell by how she’s taking pleasure in seeing my shock. “My name is on the deed to the flat, remember?”
I scratch at the stubble on my chin, knowing I should never have agreed to putting her name on it.
I jumped through rings to get this place, but I won’t forget this one solicitor trying to warn me against what I was doing.
I should have listened when I had the fucking chance.
“Why put on your little performance? Why not come and tell me straight?”
She shrugs. “I figured you might be desperate.”
“For you?” I spit out harshly.
Hannah’s smile is sinister. “I bet you haven’t been with anyone since me.”
“Why’s that so important to you?” I counter.
“It’s not,” she bites back. “I just know how good we were together, that’s all. No one will come close to what we had.”
“What we had still didn’t stop you from sleeping with other men.”
“One other man,” she hisses like it matters. I have no doubt there were more I didn’t know about. “Anyway,” she begins again, “I’ll have the solicitor email you when I’ll be moving back in here. We’ll need to clear out some of your shit before the girls can move in.”
“Hannah—” I try to begin, but she cuts me off by pressing her finger to my lips.
“Don’t say another word, Paddy.”
I bat her hand away, to which she smirks.
“We have another chance to do things right.” She swallows before she grimaces as if she’s suppressing the pain currently etching on her face. “I can forgive you for what you did, but only if you can let go of what happened between me and Nathan.”
Finding a shred of patience, I stop myself from saying how I really feel. This woman is messed up to believe that we could ever get back together. Not only that, but she thinks we can live here with two children?
“That’s never going to happen,” I say gently, pushing the door closed a fraction.
Stopping the door from closing with her foot, she snaps, “You’re a heartless piece of shit, you know that, Paddy.”
Deep breaths. Deep breaths.
“I’m not heartless, Hannah. I’m just accepting what you’re refusing to.
We’re over. Finished.” Her chest rises and falls at pace.
“You can’t even stand to look at me. Not really,” I add, seeing her back straighten.
“So why don’t you do us both a favour and just go.
Your solicitor can email whatever he wants to me.
I’ll make sure it’s all worked out.” I speak as gently as I possibly can so as not to upset her any further.
Wet, swollen eyes jump between mine. “Wait, are you already seeing someone else?”
My head drops. “No, Hannah. I’m not.”
“You’re lying.”
“I’m not,” I say, my grip on the door tightening.
She pauses for a second, eyes blazing. “There’s someone else. Isn’t there?” Her bottom lip wobbles as her body tenses.
Clenching my teeth, I manage to say, “That’s none of your business.”
“Fine,” she sneers. “Have it your way. But mark my words, Paddy, I will be back here soon with those kids whose father you killed. If you don’t want to be a part of that, then you need to find somewhere else to go.”
And then, I do what I should have done the moment I first opened the door on Hannah. I close it, knowing that somewhere in her threat, she’s right.