19. Tobias
19
Tobias
Jude ordered Chinese food to the cottage, which was nice, so none of us had to worry about cooking. Although, we all ate it in silence, which wasn’t so great.
Why did everything have to become such a mess?
“So, dad. How about we go in the canoe tomorrow? I know how much you enjoy that.” Elijah smiled while popping a piece of orange chicken in his mouth.
“No, I think I’m going to go into town to pick up some stuff,” Dad mumbled.
He didn’t have anything to pick up. We had picked up everything we needed before we got here.
I stabbed my lemon chicken with my fork and stuffed it in my mouth. I could barely stomach it. This was so uncomfortable, and Elijah’s constant prodding didn’t help.
I realize now that I’ve wanted Elijah to like me so badly for so long, and for what? He’s been nothing but mean to me, throwing me under the bus every chance he got. He hated me all this time, and that was that. Trying to break us out of that cycle wasn’t doing anything but making everything so much more complicated.
I shook my head. This is pathetic.
I lost two of them over a few hours.
Maybe this was a long time coming. Maybe I should’ve told Jude what had happened, myself.
“Should we uh-play music or something? Eating in silence is kind of uncomfortable.” Elijah shifted in his seat.
Jude sighed. “I don’t care, Elijah. I’m going to eat this outside.” He picked up his plate and left the room to step out on the back deck.
“Fuck, he’s really mad at you.” Elijah sat back in his seat, amazed.
I looked up at him from my plate. “You think this is funny?” I breathed.
“What? No. I just…I’ve never seen him like this before.”
“Yeah, me either. Now, I get to say I’ve made him disappointed in me, just like everyone else in my life. Whoopty-fucking-doo.” I bit. I couldn’t help it. I’m pissed. I’m pissed this day has gone like this. Everything was so good for so long; I should’ve known it would all come crashing down.
“Woah, no need to be like that, Tobias. Everyone gets mad sometimes. He’ll get over it.” Elijah tried to smile, but I could tell he was feeling uncomfortable.
“Yeah, what if he doesn’t?” I barked. “This is easy for you to say because he’s your dad. He doesn’t owe me anything. He can stay mad at me forever, and everything is perfectly fine for him; meanwhile, my whole world breaks apart.”
“That’s a little dramatic, don’t you think?” Elijah asked.
Suddenly, I stood up from my chair. I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t fake like this wasn’t the worst thing that’s happened to me in so long.
“No. You just don’t get it. You can’t see past your own life. You don’t realize how big this is for me to have a dad who actually gives a fuck.” I looked at the back door and saw Jude sitting out there alone, watching the sunset. It broke my heart. “ Had a dad,” I muttered.
I looked back at Elijah, who looked scared of my outburst. Here I go again, ruining more things.
“You haven’t lost him, Tobias,” Elijah stated quietly.
I looked down at my plate. “Yeah, well…I guess we’ll see about that.” I picked it up and walked upstairs to my room.
***
I waited around all day for Jude to come back home from running his “errands” in town the following day.
I even woke up early, like usual, to see if I could catch him on the way out. He must’ve avoided the hell out of me because one second, he was there, and the next, his truck was gone.
I can’t believe he was so upset but, at the same time, I could. Elijah is his son, and that night truly was the worst for him. I mean, I saw the pictures, and it looked like there were so many professors there to see him. Half of the student body saw him in his entirety, and I can’t even imagine how exposed he must’ve felt.
Did I feel bad for what had happened to him? Of course, I did. I lost all my “friends” that night, too, after I blew up on Harry and slammed his phone. I had stopped talking to them, and I got a hell of a beating from my dad for doing so. He doesn’t know how badly I wanted to see him, talk to him, be around him in high school , if it wasn’t for my shit stick of a father threatening me and watching my every move.
But it hurts so badly that Elijah doesn’t even see it. He doesn’t even know how low of a point that was for me because he can’t see farther than his own arm.
Why do I have such complicated feelings for a guy who is so damn selfish?
Or am I selfish for even thinking that way?
Ugh! He messes with up my head more than it already is.
I spent the afternoon in the water after deciding to do some laps in the lake. It was calming, and at least I could get out of the house and away from Elijah.
I can’t understand him, and I’m losing my mind about it.
One second, we’re playing on the couch, and the next second, he’s yelling at me in the kitchen.
I wouldn’t say that we’re friends again, but I at least thought we were headed in the right direction. Little did I know he was hating me that whole time.
I just can’t win.
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Jude slipping his canoe in the water from the little bit of sandy beach we have off to the side of the dock. He must not have known I was out here and decided to avoid me some more.
I quietly swam over as he pushed and got into the canoe.
Timing it perfectly, I swam up right beside him right before he rounded the bend to head to the middle of the lake.
“Hey!” I called out.
“Oh, Jesus!” He yelped, holding a hand on his heart.
“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to scare you,” I said apologetically. “Can I–” I nodded to the boat.
“Yeah, sure.” He held the boat steady, positioning his weight to level out as I picked myself up and over the edge.
“Thanks,” I breathed, flicking my hair back and out of my face.
“Yeah.” He muttered, looking away from me, paddling the canoe.
“Here, let me,” I said, motioning to the oar.
“I got it.” He snipped.
I nodded my head, rubbing my hands together in my lap. He’s still pissed. Message received.
“Jude, look. I’m really sorry for what happened back in high school between Elijah and me. If I had known that was going to happen–”
“So what are you saying? That you didn’t know they were being mean to him at school?” Jude’s eyebrows shot up like there was some sign of hope.
“W-well, no. I knew but–”
“So, you knew that they were tormenting him, and you never told me.” His eyes narrowed.
My shoulders slumped back down. “Well, no I didn’t. But you have to understand. I was under a lot of pressure with my dad to stay away from him. If I knew that they’d do that to him, I would’ve—”
“You would’ve what, Tobias? Stood up to them? If you’re dad was telling you to stay away, you and I both know you couldn’t have done anything.” He shook his head.
I looked at him, confused and shocked that he was speaking to me this way. If he knew it was my dad keeping me away from Elijah, why was he putting me through this? What did he want me to say?
“I guess I’m just upset that…you never told me . You could’ve asked for help. At any point. I could’ve done something, Tobias, if I had known he was getting bullied at school. What happened in that gym was clearly a catalyst. It was big enough for Elijah to want to leave home, leave town, and leave me . And out of all the time we’ve spent together, talking, laughing, driving around town listening to music, you let me sit there and think that you and Elijah weren’t on the best terms because you two just grew apart…”
My heart dropped. He was right. I guess I could’ve spoken up about the bullying prior to that night. But, to face the fact that I was keeping away from Elijah would’ve been having to face the fact that my dad had that much control over me - over us.
I was ashamed.
He shook his head. “I never thought this day would come, but I-I’m disappointed in you, Tobias.” He stopped rowing and looked me straight on.
I could feel my lip quiver, but I really didn’t want to cry. Not right now. Not ever. He already sees me as being weak, just like my dad does.
I looked back over to the water. “What can I do to make it up to you?” I asked.
He began rowing again. “Honestly? I don’t know right now, Tobias. I just don’t know.” He muttered, steering us back to shore.
I looked at him. “So, that’s it?”
“That’s my son in there, Tobias.” He gestured towards the house.
I could feel my heart shatter as if there was anything left to break.
I thought I was his son, too.
I couldn’t take another moment of this. I hopped off the side of the canoe and swam back to the shore myself.