21. Tobias
21
Tobias
I cranked up the volume on my phone and shoved it back into my pocket. I needed to drown out my thoughts—tune everything out.
Running up and down this trail or swimming after dinner the past few days had helped– at least as much as it could under the circumstances. It’s better than being in the house, knowing they both hated me so damn much. That feeling had been suffocating.
I would leave, but Jude fucking drove me here. Everything’s such a damn mess. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to concentrate on my breathing. Opening my eyes again, I rounded a corner, kicking up leaves and twigs behind me. I can’t believe the two people I never wanted to lose the most in this lifetime both have so much anger towards me. I mean, why wouldn’t they? I fucked up. I’m a mistake. I’m nothing.
“You became…nothing.”
“You…are…nothing…”
“Shut up! Shut Up! Shut Up!” I yelled, skidding to a stop. I crouched down and covered my ears with my hands. It’s not helping. Nothing fucking helps when it’s Derrick’s voice. He’s always so damn loud in my head, and it’s only getting worse. I need it to stop.
I took deep, steady breaths and pushed myself back up. As I started running again, I wiped my forehead with my arm. I’d been at it for so long on an empty stomach.
I’ve thrown up stomach bile twice on this run, but who the fuck cares?
Elijah was right. Now that Jude has woken up to how awful of a person I am, they can both move on with their lives.
My stomach suddenly cramped, urging me to stop once again.
“You’re a dumb piece of shit that couldn’t even do the one thing you were supposed to do.”
I shook my head to try and shake out the returning thoughts of him. It’s not working. Nothing is working. I crawled over to a nearby tree and sat down to lean my back on the trunk.
I needed to catch my breath.
Why am I even here?
Next thing I knew, I was standing at the water’s edge behind the lakehouse. There was a small patch of sand hidden behind the trees. I was far enough away that no one would have seen me even if they tried. But no one was trying, so it didn’t matter.
I slipped off my running shoes and socks, tucking my phone into the right one. Without bothering to take off my gym shorts, I waded into the water, feeling the sand shift beneath my feet. The sun was starting to set. Guess I had been out all day. They probably just assumed I went home. That I finally did what I was supposed to do—just... disappear.
Doesn’t sound so bad right now.
I closed my eyes and breathed out. The water hugged me as I sank deeper and deeper.
Finally …the voices have stopped.
There was no more air left in my lungs, and I finally felt better. The burn welcomed me, which made me smile.
I opened my eyes to see a beautiful woman swimming towards me. She was dressed in a long white dress with her beautiful blonde hair cascading around her. She reached out to me, and I felt an overwhelming need to reach back.
Suddenly, my whole body was torn away. I felt a strong grip dragging me up and out of the water.
My lungs burned as I gasped for hair. I coughed and coughed as a hand patted and rubbed my back. I spat as much water out as possible, but I still felt sick.
It took a few minutes, but I soon felt better. As soon as I came to, I realized I was lying on the dock. I turned around to see a very wet Elijah coughing and spitting out water. He sat there, his navy long-sleeved shirt and black shorts now clinging to his body. He was soaked, and his hair was matted to his face.
The side of my mouth twitched. He looked cute like that. “What are you doing?” My throat burned, making my voice sound scratchy. He was stronger than I thought if he had dragged me up here.
“Me? Saving your life, you dummy!” He punched my shoulder–hard enough that I could feel the anger behind it. My body was too weak to sit up any further, so I let myself lie back on the dock. Elijah shifted until he was lying beside me.
Looking up at the orange and yellow sky, we both took a moment to catch our breaths.
“Were you trying to die?” He finally broke the silence. The tremble in his voice made my heart hurt.
I thought about that answer for a moment. “No.” I lowered my head. “I don’t know,” I muttered.
He breathed out. “Tobias, please. Please don’t ever feel like that’s something you deserve.”
"I don’t. My mom did that and...I wouldn't do that. I guess I just...I needed the pain to go away, even for a little while." I tried to keep my voice from shaking, but it was of no use.
"The pain of what?"
My eyebrows pinched together as I imagined the worst thing possible. "Losing you guys, I guess."
He sat up, scooting closer so he could sit beside me on the dock, his body angled toward mine. "Tobias, you could never lose us. Losing you would severely fuck us up. I mean it. Please, don't ever do that again. You really scared the shit out of me." He rambled, his voice thick with emotion.
A tear slipped from my eyes. I looked back to the sky. “I thought you both hated me.”
He leaned back on his arm. This time, his leg lightly touched mine. I felt the warmth of his skin seep onto mine.
“I say that but…I don’t know if I do. I’m not sure if I ever did.” He said in a hushed voice. “I think if I didn’t focus all my energy on hating you so much, what I truly felt would consume me.” His words slipped out.
I twisted my head to look at him. He was looking up at the sky, too, clearly too nervous to look at me.
I closed my eyes and thought about that for a moment. For some reason, I understood exactly what he meant.
“And for the record, dad doesn’t hate you either. I think he just loves you so much that he forgot you were human and can make mistakes.” Elijah smiled. “Dad’s taking a shower right now. I promise….I’ll do whatever I can to fix this.” He continued.
“Elijah…don’t. It was my fault–”
“No. It wasn’t.” He cut in. “It’s not your fault. I was mad at you because I missed you, and that night, as traumatic as it was, was even worse because you were there to witness it.” Elijah huffed. “Let’s face it. Sure, you could’ve stuck up for me, but they would’ve done it anyway. You didn’t force them to do what they did. Those boys just sucked. People suck.”
I closed my eyes. I needed to hear that so much more than I had thought.
“People do suck.” I agreed, laying my back completely on the dock. I threw my arm over my eyes.
“That time in our lives is over now. This is a new chapter. Now, all we can do is grow from it and move on. I’m sorry I didn’t think about that sooner.” He gently took my arm, lowering it back down to rest against my chest. This time, his hand lingered, holding mine in his.
“Do you trust me?” He whispered, looking into my eyes.
I felt the pit of my stomach tingle at those words. “Yeah,” I answered softly.
“Then everything is going to be okay. I promise.” He smiled.
***
“I’ve got a plan,” Elijah said, dipping his finger in the pasta sauce that I’ve been working on for the past few hours. He made a popping sound with his lips as he sucked the sauce off.
“Oh, do you, now?” I asked. I watched as Elijah went to dip his finger again, but this time, I caught his hand before it reached his mouth. “Hey! Whatever happened to you being scared of double dipping?”
He smiled, pulling his hand closer to his mouth. “It’s okay only if I do it.” He said, struggling to lick his finger. I kept pulling until he was full-on bent over. I couldn’t help but laugh at his weird stance.
There was no way he was getting any lower, so I caved and let him have it. He looked up at me from behind his eyelashes and slowly licked the tip of his finger.
An image of him on his knees flashed behind my eyes, making my stomach flip. I quickly dropped his hand and nervously cleared my throat.
“Okay, tell me about this plan,” I said as I focused back on stirring.
Elijah straightened himself and settled beside me again, staring over my shoulder at the pasta sauce being stirred.
“Well, dad’s been pretty mopey lately not only because of…well, you.”
“Thanks for the reminder.” I rolled my eyes. “Also, you told me you were going to grate the cheese. The pasta is done.” I said, grabbing the bowl and cheese grater and putting it in front of him.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” He waved me off but did as I told him to, which made me smile. “Anyways, he’s also been upset because of Gwen.”
I arched my eyebrow. “Now you lost me.”
“How can dad be in a bad mood if Gwen is here? He’d be so happy, especially if you go and get her!” He poked at my side.
“Hey! Cheese!” I pointed. We both laughed as we continued our duties. “Okay, so what you’re saying is I should go, convince Gwen to come, and he’ll be happy with me?”
Elijah nodded his head, smiling. “Now you’re getting it.”
“And what will you be doing?” I asked.
“I’ll go with you.” He shrugged, giving me one of his charming smiles. I could eat his smiles for dinner. His adorable dimples sank into his cheeks. Fuck. I swallowed. Focus.
I just remembered - the last time I saw Gwen was when she stormed out of the restaurant with tears.
“I don’t know, Elijah. It sounded like they sort of broke up. Would you want your ex-girlfriend to be here?” I walked around him, brought out a few bowls, and dished out some plain pasta into each.
“That’s where you’re wrong.” He said following me. “I called her at her office, and she said she misses him and wishes she was here with us.”
My eyes widened. “You meddler.” I poked at him.
“Hey!” He winced, rubbing the spot where I poked. “I’m just trying to make these people happy.”
I smiled. It was actually sort of nice of him. Thoughtful.
“Okay, so tomorrow is Friday. In the morning, you and I will make some sort of excuse to get out of the house for a while. We’ll drive, pick her up, come back here, and have a whole thing.”
I nodded my head. “A whole thing?”
“I don’t know. A bonfire or something. We’ll get the romantic juices flowing.” He said, twirling his fingers.
I cringed. “Romantic juices?”
He rolled his eyes, running his hand down his face. “I can’t stand you.” He groaned.
I laughed, grabbed the pot of pasta sauce off the stove, and dished some onto each bowl.
“But yet, you love me.” I laughed. Dammit, why’d I say that? Way to ruin the mood. We were doing so well.
“Yeah…” He muttered under his breath. I looked at him in shock. Did he just agree with me? “What should our excuse be?” He quickly continued.
“Our what?”
“Our excuse. We need an excuse to get out of the house for a few hours.”
“Dammit. Right.” I thought about this while bringing the bowls to the table. “We could be grabbing some marshmallows in town to make S’mores?”
Elijah’s shoulders dropped, and he gave me a bored face. “Six hours for some marshmallows? Come on, you’ve got to have something better than that.”
“Well, let’s hear your excuse.”
He opened his mouth, but before he answered, Jude walked into the kitchen.
Elijah and I both watched as Jude walked in, grabbed his bowl of pasta, and walked out of the room.
I stood there, amazed that he could be so distant. How could he be so warm one day and so cold the next?
I dropped my head.
“Hey.” Elijah nudged me. “Don’t worry. We’ll fix this.” He smiled.
We both sat down at the table and began eating our dinner.