23. Tobias
23
Tobias
“I’m so sorry, Tobias. I really thought that was going to work.” Elijah's voice wavered. I could tell he was trying to hold himself together.
I felt defeated, too, but it was honestly okay. It was a far-fetched plan anyway.
“It’s okay, Elijah,” I said, squeezing his thigh with my hand.
“No, it’s not. This is all my fault. This holiday would've been so much fun if I had kept my stupid mouth shut. If I had just gotten over my shit, we’d probably still be friends. If I had just grown up and stopped being a total baby, we could’ve been—” He cut himself off.
I looked down at my hands. I think I knew where he was going, and I thought about that, too. I thought about it so often that it hurt.
We’ve lost so much time over these years due to not talking and miscommunication. On this one road trip alone, I laughed and talked more than I had during my whole high school career. That’s not normal. Life would’ve been normal if I had him by my side.
I squeezed my eyes shut and leaned my head back on the headrest.
“Don’t shut me out. Talk to me.” Elijah pleaded.
“What’s there to say? It’s my fault, too, Elijah. This isn’t just on you. I made my bed.” I shrugged, looking out my window.
“Well, then we can lay in that bed together.” He joked.
I tilted my head at him. “You say and do the most sexual things at the most random times; you know that, right?” I laughed. I hope it never stops.
“I know.” He laughed softly, leaning his head back on his headrest, too.
Suddenly, his playlist on his phone switched to the next song. Too Experienced by Barrington Levy.
“This song always makes me think of dad.” Elijah smiled.
I smiled, too, since I thought the same thing, but that smile quickly faded when I realized how we were headed back to the lakehouse, where Jude still wasn’t happy with me.
“He’s going to come back around, Tobias. He will.” He glanced at me, dropping his hand in my lap. I looked down at it and joined my hand with his.
“You’re lucky, you know. I’ve always wanted a dad like him, and I think I kind of got lost in the feeling of having one.” I said, squeezing his hand in mine.
“You didn’t lose it. It’s still there. Dads get mad sometimes. But they’ll always forgive you because they love you.”
“Not mine.” I gulped, looking out the window. I didn’t mean to say that, but it just slipped out.
I could sense Elijah carefully considering his next words. Maybe the carefulness of anyone else would make me feel weak, but for some reason, Elijah's caution feels thoughtful, caring, and safe. “Do you feel comfortable talking to me about him?”
I thought it over. I’ve never really talked about it ever with anyone. I don’t know where I’d start even if I tried.
“Maybe if you…asked me questions. I’d be able to answer them.”
“Yeah, that sounds good.” Elijah dropped my hand for a moment to turn down the music. It was nice of him to come back to me right away, putting his hand right back to where he had it before.
I grabbed onto him and readied myself.
“Well… I can’t help but feel like I only knew one side of you growing up. We’d hang out all the time, but it’s becoming clear to me now that you were dealing with stuff behind closed doors that I had absolutely no idea about. If you’re open to it… would you feel comfortable sharing with me what it was like? What were you going home to, Tobias?”
I breathed in, racking my brain for which parts I’d feel most comfortable saying out loud. I didn’t want him to look at me differently, but talking to someone about it would feel nice, especially since that person was him.
I swallowed harshly. “Well, as you know, my dad loved his alcohol. Drinking on the job may have gotten him fired, but they had no clue how deep his addiction was and what it meant for me. No one did. I always knew when I was a kid to get to my room and stay quiet whenever he got home.”
“Jesus. What would happen if you weren’t quiet?” Elijah asked wariness in his tone.
I hesitated. Did I really want to admit this?
I swallowed deeply. “He’d come find me. It normally started and ended the same way. He’d start by calling me names, of course. Call me worthless, useless, pathetic. Waste of space. You name it, he yelled it.” I scratched the back of my head with my empty hand. “Would usually escalate to him physically hurting me. That was always different. Sometimes, he’d choke me, slap me in the face, or hit me with a belt. All depended on how bad I was that day or how bad of a day he had at work.” Elijah squeezed my hand. “I think his favorite was not giving me food. As if keeping me from food was a reminder of how unimportant I was. I’d often go a few nights, sometimes, without something to eat for dinner, or he’d send me to school with no breakfast or lunch. He left me alone a lot, which is why I was at your place all the time. If I wasn’t with you and your dad, I often was left hungry and alone.” I squeezed my eyes shut. “Fuck, I’m sorry.” I breathed. I didn’t realize how hard that was to admit out loud until I said it.
“Hey. Hey.” Elijah squeezed my hand. “The moment you want to stop talking about this—we stop. Immediately. No questions asked. You’re in control here.” He said, trying his best to keep his eyes on me and back on the road.
“No, it’s okay.” I breathed deeply out of my nose. “I’m okay.” I nodded.
“Tobias?...” Elijah breathed in. “I want to ask you something, but you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, okay?” He rushed his sentence.
I nodded my head. “Okay.”
“Did he…did he touch you?”
I felt my stomach turn. The guilt and shame wash over me. That was the one question I didn’t want to answer.
“No son of mine is going to be a little queer. You just need some correction.”
“If I see you with him again, I’ll make sure it’s the last thing you do, you hear me?”
“Huh? You like this? This is what you want? Because this is what you’ll get.”
“You think this is bad? This won’t even be the half of it if I find out you’ve been seeing that kid. Stay away or else I’ll—”
“…Fuck!” I yelled, crushing my hands into my eyes.
I’ve got to get away. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be alone in this car with him. What if Derrick finds out? What if he—
Suddenly, the car swerved as Elijah parked us on the shoulder.
“Woah, woah. Hey, what just happened? Where’d you go?” Elijah peeled my hands away from my eyes. I must’ve started crying. “I’m sorry, okay? I’m so fucking sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.” He panted, leaning his forehead against my temple. “Hey, I will never let him hurt you ever again. You hear me?” He gripped the back of my neck, forcing me to look at him in his eyes. The anger in his eyes was believable. But how can he promise that?
Derrick was so big, and he always got what he wanted.
“He’ll always get away with it. What could change now?” My voice was choked.
“Fuck that. He’s not getting away with shit. Not anymore. He’s not going to win this, Tobias. You hear me? You’re not alone anymore.” He softly placed his palm on my jaw, caressing my skin.
“I’m not alone,” I repeated back to him, shivers running up my spine.
“You’re not alone. Never again. I promise.” Elijah said softly. He pulled me into his chest by the back of my neck. He was so warm as he rubbed my shoulders and my back.
We stayed like that for a while as my nerves began to settle. The coldness that had washed over me slowly started to die down. His strong grip on my body and the soothing smell of his neck distracted me from the horrific thoughts that had raced through my mind. The flashbacks of chaotic nights filled with kicking and screaming started to quiet in my head. It took me a moment before I realized the shivers that were lingering weren’t from what I told him. They were coming from the way Elijah was touching me.
“You’re safe now,” Elijah said quietly. Goosebumps covered my skin as his lips grazed my ear. I peeled away to look at his eyes. “Thank you for trusting me with that. I don’t take the fact that you let me in like that lightly.” He said, his voice hushed.
“Thank you for being here for me.” I stammered.
“Always.” He breathed, cupping my cheek with his hand. “I mean it, Tobias. I’ll always be here for you.” His thumb softly caressed along my jawline.
“You promise?” I could feel my body leaning in. Our lips inched closer, grazing softly against each other.
“I promise. I promise, I never left.” He gripped the collar of my button-up shirt. In an instant, we were drawn together like magnets.
His lips locked with mine in a hard, rushed kiss that felt so soft and gentle all at the same time.
The taste of his mouth was so familiar, as though I’d been searching for that taste all my life. Elijah gripped the back of my neck, pulling me closer to him. My hands cupped his jaw, gently guiding him closer to me. He moved his body effortlessly over the center console and onto my lap. My hand stretched out beside me to pull the lever and drop my seat back.
Our bodies morphed perfectly into each other as though we’ve been doing this for years. We were both so tall, but we made do. His kisses were so hypnotic, I couldn’t think of anything else. Our breathing quickened, soft hums of pleasure giving way to heavy breaths and soft moans of need.
“Fuck, Elijah.” I moaned into his mouth. He devoured my moan with his tongue tangling with mine.
His soft hands roamed underneath my shirt. The soft touches across my abs were sending me to another planet. Knowing he was taking his time to explore my body was doing something incredible to me.
My hands drifted to his waistband. I wanted more. I gripped him hard, pulling him into me. The pressure was starting to build inside of me and it was the type of pressure only Elijah could release. Only him. My fingers tugged his belt loops, bringing him closer to me I felt his hardness rub against my own, sending sparks throughout my whole body. The memory of us back home, tangled up in the guest bedroom, flashed through me. I wanted that again—wanted it so badly, it made my chest ache. If only I could somehow get our clothes off…
“Tobias,” he breathed against my lips, voice rough with need.
“Mmm,” I answered, pulling him back in for more. I didn't want this to be over. Not yet. Not ever.
“We should probably hit the road before dad gets too suspicious,” Elijah said between kisses.
“You’re right.” I sighed sadly, dropping my face to his shoulder. “You’re right,” I repeated, tapping him lightly on the ass.
“Pause.” He flashed me a devilish smirk, climbing off of me and crawling back to the driver's seat.
“Play,” I said, tugging him back to me and stealing another kiss.
I loved feeling his laugh in my mouth. Feeling his lips on mine as he smiled. “Pause.” He said, breathlessly.
“Pause.” I agreed, sitting back in my seat and reconnecting my seatbelt.
We took a second to catch our breaths. I laughed, looking over at Elijah and his disheveled hair. Instinctively, I reached out to groom his hair back how I knew he liked it. “Thank you.” Elijah winked at me before starting up the car.
“Come here, you,” Elijah said, grabbing my hand again and placing it back on his lap.