Chapter 29
Chris:
Katie isn’t letting you off the hook this time. We’re bringing dinner.
Nolan sighed deeply, massaging his temples as though that would stave off his headache and concerned family members.
Christ. He didn’t need this. He needed to sleep, and he needed to be left alone.
He hadn’t slept properly in weeks. How could he, with a yawning hole in his chest and chronic pain plaguing him every hour since then?
Two weeks later, it hadn’t dimmed in the slightest. In fact, Nolan was pretty sure it had gotten worse.
Every day without Kai was torture. The memory of him was all over his house, and without him there, the space felt empty and lifeless.
He missed him desperately. Worse than that was the constant fear that Kai might be in danger.
No, he was in danger. He hadn’t left with Liam, and Nolan didn’t know which was worse, the idea that Kai could be alone in the world or that he was under Liam’s influence.
Where would he go if he couldn’t go to the trailer?
Was he couch-surfing, or was he sleeping on the street? Where was he getting food?
Nolan told himself it didn’t matter and, more importantly, that it was none of his business, but it didn’t stop the worry, and the truth was, a very big part of him believed it was his business.
He’d sent Kai away, and if anything happened to him, that was on Nolan.
He was no better than Kai’s uncle, and knowing he had anything in common with that asshole made him sick.
He picked up the phone that had been his constant companion over the last two weeks. He knew why Kai hadn’t taken it, but it didn’t stop Nolan from cursing him for leaving it behind. If Kai had only taken it, Nolan could have called. He could have checked in to make sure he was okay.
He could have apologized. He could have begged him to come back.
He would also feel a lot less remorse. Nolan felt it keenly. He could still see Kai’s face as he closed the door on him, the way his eyes had begged him not to abandon him. He’d gone through the phone for evidence that Kai had been complicit, but what he’d found was so much worse.
Please. I lo—
Don’t you fucking dare!
He hadn’t wanted to hear what Kai was going to say, because he’d known that it would be impossible to give him up. It would have probably killed him. But the phone told him what he hadn’t let Kai say out loud. It told him in pictures and videos and texts and voice notes.
Love.
And Nolan had thrown it away.
Myles knocked on the door and let himself in, but Nolan didn’t acknowledge him. He just sat behind his desk, eyes locked on Kai’s phone, rolling it like a wheel along the edge of the desk.
“Hey. Just checking in. You need anything?”
Nolan frowned, shaking his head. Myles sighed and closed the door, taking the seat across from him, his iPad resting under his arm on the armrest. He didn’t say anything, but Nolan knew it was coming and felt a frisson of irritation.
Myles had been the first one to find out because, in his anger, Nolan had told him to cancel the meeting with Noah.
The money that Liam had conveniently found at Nolan’s had been Noah’s payment to pursue Kai’s uncle.
Myles had dropped it off earlier when he’d stopped by during the pool party.
He’d told himself that Kai’s family troubles were none of his concern, and while he still half-believed he should let it go, his sense of right and wrong wouldn’t let the injustice of it slide. He hadn’t rebooked the appointment with Noah though.
“Wanna blow this joint and go get shit-faced?”
Nolan actually cracked a tiny smile but shook his head.
Myles sighed. “I didn’t think so. Have you heard from him?” he asked quietly, like he was testing the waters.
Nobody had. Nolan knew from the text messages that came in that Kai hadn’t been in touch with Jason, Justin, Matteo or Katie.
It made him sick to his stomach that no one had heard from him, and it filled him with a restless energy that made him want to comb the streets looking for him.
He’d finally caved and messaged Matteo and Jason back to let them know that Kai had left his phone behind but hadn’t said anything else, and neither of them had pried.
He’d initially wondered if Jason or Justin and the boys had helped Liam break in, but when he’d checked the security cameras to ensure Liam hadn’t gotten into any other shit, it had been all Nolan’s fault.
Nolan had been so distracted between worry for Myles and then Chris showing up unexpectedly, he’d left the door unlocked.
With his phone still by the grill, he’d missed the security alert, and Liam had let himself in, roaming the house like he owned the place.
Myles didn’t say anything else. Just sat there watching him.
“I fucked up,” he finally said when the weight the silence was too much to bear.
“Liam was blackmailing you, Nolan. What were you supposed to do?”
“Pay it. I keep thinking if I could just go back to that moment, I’d just pay it.
It’s not worth it,” he said, shaking his head, a painful lump growing in his throat.
“Not knowing where he is? If something’s happened to him?
It’s just not worth it. Why the fuck do you need trust in your relationships anyway? ”
“I don’t know, Nolan. It feels kind of foundational.”
Maybe, but Nolan was pretty sure this hurt way worse.
He sighed. “You gotta get me out of dinner with Chris,” he begged.
He loved his family, but he wasn’t ready to deal with them.
He didn’t want the commiseration or the sanctimonious bullshit.
They probably believed the break-up was a foregone conclusion, which was both enraging and humiliating, because what had he expected bringing an admitted scam artist into his home?
“Sorry, man. Katie texted me a row of knife emojis, so I’m pretty sure there’s no getting out of it. But I can stop by Randy’s and grab a box of beef patties if it’ll make it more bearable.” Nolan’s smile was genuine. Myles really was a good friend.
“I’m going to go. I’m not getting shit done here. I’m just wasting everyone’s time.”
“Alright. I’ll see you later?” Myles got to his feet.
“Yeah.” Nolan pocketed his phone and grabbed his keys.
When he hopped into his car, the ghost of Kai curled up close, a hoodie pulled over his head and wrapped around Nolan’s arm so that he could nap.
The knife in his chest twisted a little harder, but he was grateful.
If memory was all he could have of Kai, he’d take it.
Cherry was still working when he got home, so he took himself upstairs to avoid the worry in her eyes every time she looked at him lately.
He took a quick shower, then got into bed.
In his imagination, Kai snuggled closer, the way he always did when he wanted Nolan to read to him.
This time, he pulled out Kai’s phone and flipped through it.
It was like a favourite book now, and every time he wanted to relive a specific moment, he either opened up their chat to read his words or his photo app to relive every memory and feel every feeling as though it was the first time.
He clicked the photo app this time. He needed to fall apart now because, later, when everyone was here, he wouldn’t be able to.
He scrolled through Kai’s pictures, staring at the laughing, smiling, smirking, beautiful face and let the rock grow in his throat, his eyes filling with hot tears. He didn’t try to stop them. When he was done, he closed his eyes and fell into a restless sleep.
Dinner was as awkward as Nolan had anticipated, all of them acting like there wasn’t a fucking elephant in the room.
Lucas and Marcus had met him at the door with grim faces.
What Chris had told them, Nolan didn’t know.
Katie was little tonight, sporting a pale orange dress in the Alice style she normally preferred when she was in her head.
She tracked his movements with worried eyes, like she was sure that he would crack any moment.
Didn’t play with her toy chest at all but curled near Chris for comfort.
Chris, for what it was worth, was more subdued than Nolan had expected.
Nolan had been waiting for an “I know you wanted to see the best in him” speech, but it never came.
Nolan was grateful. They didn’t know Kai.
Nolan had read Kai’s chat with Liam, and the only way he could describe their relationship was like two siblings who scrapped at every opportunity but had each other’s backs at the end of the day.
They were found family in the truest sense and, just like Matteo said, bonded for life.
If he ever had a chance to repair what had been broken with Kai, it was a fact that he would have to somehow come to terms with.
They ate the Jamaican patties that Myles brought and made polite chitchat while Nolan counted down the minutes until he could be alone again. His phone chirped, and Nolan immediately recognized the sound of the security notification. Nolan pulled out his phone and swiped up.
“You have got to be fucking kidding me,” he growled menacingly at the image of Liam sitting on his front steps, casually leaning back, letting the sun hit his face. Nolan was at the door in an instant, ripping it open so hard he was surprised he hadn’t taken it clear off its hinges.
“What the fuck are you doing here?”
Liam tilted his head up, a smirk playing on his mouth. “Damn, that was faster than I expected. I barely sat down.”
“You’ve got some fucking balls on you, coming back here. Get up. Now!”
Liam dragged himself to his feet like he found Nolan tiresome.
Nolan gave him a contemptuous once-over, from his bleach-blond hair and faded grey Metallica t-shirt to his skinny jeans and worn-out sneakers, hating everything about this kid.
Nolan was keenly aware that Myles, Chris, Lucas, Marcus and Katie were crowded behind him.
Myles had gotten most of the story out of him just out of necessity but had spared the rest of them the gory details.
“What makes you think I wouldn’t call the cops on you right this moment? There’s no Kai to protect you now, is there? You made sure of that.”
Liam leaned against the stair railing and laughed, incensing Nolan even further.
“Oh, don’t put that shit on me. I’m fucked up enough.
You were the one that shut that door in his face.
” He nodded towards said door, grinning at their audience.
Nolan’s face flamed as shame, grief and remorse lit his blood on fire.
“And why did that happen, hmm?” He grabbed Liam by the front of his oversized t-shirt, dragging him in so that their faces were mere inches apart, daring him to admit what he’d done.
The curl of Liam’s lip made Nolan want to put a fist through his face, but he knew, wherever he was, Kai wouldn’t want that.
“I told him you would never keep him. He wouldn’t listen, but he knows now, I guess.” Every word was a punch in the gut. That this little shit had been right about anything, even if he’d manufactured the reason, galled him.
“After you sabotaged him. Sounds like you were jealous, Liam. Is that why you did it? Were you jealous?” Nolan demanded mockingly.
Anger flared in the younger man’s eyes, his whole face twisting with it. Liam’s hands came up, shoving Nolan with surprising force. His grip slackened, and Liam shoved him again, breaking free.
“Yeah, I was fucking jealous. You stole my whole fucking family, and I couldn’t have that,” he spit, pure loathing on his face.
Nolan stared at him, dumbfounded. “I didn’t steal shit from you, Liam. I never made Kai choose between us.”
Liam scoffed and looked away, pulling something from his back pocket. It took a second for Nolan to recognize the envelope in his hand.
“Yeah, whatever. Tell yourself whatever you want.” He shoved the envelope into Nolan’s chest, and Nolan reached up to keep it from falling. “Minus five hundred for pain and suffering or whatever.” He held up two middle fingers as he backed down the stairs.
“Where is he, Liam?” Nolan asked before he could get too far.
“How the fuck am I supposed to know? There was an overpass on Queen that he liked. Check there if you want.” He smirked at the look of alarm on Nolan’s face, turned around and walked away.
Nolan watched him go, his mind racing. When he turned back to the door, it was to find Katie front and centre, her whole body filled with tension and looking like she was going to blow a fuse any second.
“I knew he wouldn’t just leave. I knew it! You sent him away!” she exploded.
“Katie, you don’t understand.” Nolan started.
“I do understand. He told me! He told me that day by the pool!”
“What did he tell you, sweetheart?” Chris asked.
“He told me that he loved you, but he was worried it was too soon and you wouldn’t say it back and you sent him away and broke his heart!”
Nolan felt each word like a knife to his heart. Hearing it out loud, knowing Kai had said those words to Katie mere hours before Nolan had sent him away, felt like getting flayed with the cruellest whip.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he whispered, but the person he wanted to say those words to was nowhere to hear them.