CHAPTER TWENTY
SEAN
I pumped the barbells, barely feeling the weight, my mind on Matteo. I realized that I’d practically told him I’d had feelings for him the night he’d fucked me. I hadn’t thought twice when he’d asked I’d let him do it because it was more than casual. At least, on my end.
Truth was, I wasn’t sure if the sudden butterflies in my tummy was because I’d reconnected with the part of myself I’d buried, or because I’d developed feelings for him.
It was all too easy to fall in love with a guy because of his cock.
More than that though, I didn’t want to fall for someone that couldn’t return my feelings.
He was young and figuring out who he was.
By law, he wasn’t supposed to get deeply involved with someone until he’d been around the block a few times.
He deserved to have no strings, anonymous sex and experiment.
More importantly, he’d opened up about the trauma and acknowledged the lasting effects. I was pissed off on his behalf. How could a father ever blame their kid for something like that?
“I can be an ear too,” Jere said suddenly, as he set his weights down with a clang. “Danny says I’m a good listener, so…”
“I’m distracted, aren’t I?” I sighed and considered if I wanted to talk to him about this or not. “How did you know Danny was it for you?”
He scrunched his face and shrugged. “I’ve always known.”
I nodded slowly, not exactly sure what he meant.
You could know someone extremely well, care about them deeply, but that didn’t exactly mean they were the one.
Case in point, Gabriel and I. We got along great, enjoyed the same humor, but our different tastes–needs–set us apart in a major way that had ruled out a romantic future.
“That’s not very helpful, is it? I’m not good at this kind of stuff. Just talk about whatever you want to, and I’ll listen. I’m better at that.”
“It’s okay. I’m just conflicted about Matteo. Neither of us expected things to happen the way they have.” Admitting the truth out loud was a shocker. “He just came out of nowhere and turned everything on its head. I’m not sure what he expects from our relationship.”
He leaned into his knees. “Have you asked him? Sometimes people make it all complicated and shit when just a few blunt words can solve everything.”
I blinked at him as if he’d just solved all the world’s problems. “Jere, you are a genius.”
“Well, I don’t know about that.” He frowned and scratched his chin. “I sometimes think my brain doesn’t work like normal people. Danny says that’s a good thing because most normal people are idiots and me being honest all the time has its advantages.”
“He’s right you know,” I said, casting him a tender smile. Danny was damned lucky to have a man like Jere unconditionally devoted to him.
“Of course he is. Danny is the genius, not me. He is the smartest person I know.”
“Agreed.”
We did some more sets, the beginning of a burn starting in my biceps. As we worked, I mulled over my thoughts. “It’s not necessarily that I don’t want to ask, but more along the lines of, I’m afraid of the answer.”
That contemplative look crossed his face for a long while and I knew he was churning the words in his mind. “Danny said he had a crush on me since we were kids. He never told me because he thought I couldn’t love him in that way. We lost years because he was too afraid to tell me.”
I set the barbell down and sighed, conceding his point. Reality hit me hard, like a fifty-pound disc to the face. He was right of course, and I offered him a half-smile. “I get it. I know what I need to do.”
“What’s that?”
“Decide if I want to spill my heart and take the chance of losing him, or just enjoy the time we have now for however long or short it might be.”
He furrowed his brows, and I knew that didn’t make sense to him.
I punched him in his solid arm. “Thanks for being an ear. And you’re pretty good at giving advice too.”
He gave me a rare smile, the corners of his eyes crinkling.
We spent another hour in the gym, working various muscle groups and chatting lightly.
He was excited to go on his Valentine’s Day date and talked endlessly about the gift he’d commissioned for Danny.
We took a shower and went our separate ways.
When I left the gym, it was still light out, the winter sun sliding toward the west. I inhaled deeply, a blend of worry and hope swirling inside of me.
I entertained fantasies of pouring my heart out to Matteo while he returned my feelings, and we lived happily ever after.
But life was never that easy and rarely followed the path of romance novels.
My phone chimed and I quickly dug it out, only to find that it was from Gabriel.
GABE: Still alive?
Instead of responding to his text, I phoned him. When he answered, I said, “Are you being lazy today?”
“Client canceled, so just watching porn on mute in my office. Not all that fun. Haven’t heard from you in a while,” he said. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, I’ve been distracted.”
“The good kind of distracted?”
“Oh, yeah, the best kind, but… Do you want to meet up for lunch sometime next week? Hang out and catch up? I’m developing a terrible habit of neglecting my friends and it needs to stop.”
“Yeah, a good distraction will do that to you,” he said with a knowing laugh. “Sure. Let’s meet up. I usually eat at Marco’s for lunch. Are you okay? You sound…conflicted.”
“I am very much conflicted. I’ll tell you about it next week. Sorry I’ve neglected you,” I said honestly, feeling like a shit friend lately.
He let out a sigh. “Don’t let it bother you. I treat you like you don't exist when Bev starts her shit again.”
“That’s different. It’s family stuff and important. Ignoring my friends for some ass makes me an ass.”
“That’s some deep and introspective, Buddhist shit there.”
“Maybe.” I failed to hold back my chuckle. “I’ve been doing a lot of introspective shit lately that I’ll tell you about next week.”
We hung up and I made my way to my apartment.
When I got home, it was unusually quiet, and Matteo was nowhere to be found.
He’d left a note for me, taped to my bedroom door informing me he'd gone out and would be back in a few hours. It was fine by me because he needed to get out and if he needed anything, he had my work phone and the bus pass I’d given him.
Alone, I wasn’t sure what to do with myself, so I got comfortable in a pair of joggers and laid in bed.
The loneliness rushed back and smacked into me, reminding me that it hadn’t been far.
Gathering the blankets in my arms, I buried my face in them, noting they smelled like him.
Like us, mingled together. All the sleeping together had left his scent in my sheets, and it provoked all kinds of emotions.
I wanted to be one of the rare few, like my bosses who found true love and kept it.
It was dark by the time Matteo came home. He moved around my apartment for a few minutes before slipping into bed with me. He spooned me from behind and I wondered if we could do this for the rest of our lives.
“Did you go to the music store?” I asked and stroked his arm with my fingertips.
“Yeah. Got most of what I needed,” he said and kissed my shoulder. “Also returned the library books and checked out some new ones. Thank you. I meant what I said the other day.”
“I know you’re good for it.”
He sighed, one of those heavy, weight-of-the-word kind of sounds. “I will make you whole and more. I’m expecting to receive a sizable inheritance soon.”
“Okay,” I said, focusing on the smoothness of his skin.
We laid in bed for a long while, teetering on the edge of sleep and consciousness. He was a solid presence in my apartment, his weight and heat at my back chasing away the chill of emptiness.
“Matty,” I murmured.
“Did you just call me Matty?” he said sleepily. “That’s cute, really.”
“Oh, shut up for once, or do I have to stick my cock in your mouth?” I growled, both excited to bicker and annoyed that I’d developed feelings for him.
He shook in laughter against me but asked, “What’s up?”
“Mind if I tag along the next time you go to the center?” I was aware I was being needy, but I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. “I’d like to listen to you play.”
“Maybe,” he said. “Let me fix it up first and get it into working order then I’ll serenade you with sweet songs.”
I turned so I could see him and pushed a stray curl from his eyes.
I kissed him harder and deeper than I ever had before.
I wanted to mark him, permanently brand him so he’d never forget me.
Years down the road, after he’d gone his way, I wanted him to think about me on lonely nights.
I wanted him to lay in bed and think about the times we’d shared and wonder what our lives might have been like if he’d stuck around. It was petty, but I couldn’t help it.
Two months. That’s all it had taken for me to fall in love with someone. With him. The wrong person, of course, but it was what it was.
Frustrated with the situation, I wiggled out of his arms. “Going to get din-din started.”