Masud 31.
I love sex. A whole lot. It is completely understandable why people allow this seemingly simple act to rule over their entire existence. I bet it’s not as good as having sex with Tovah. She’s…limber. And inventive.
Alas, we cannot fornicate every second of the day. Which is why we are now walking hand in hand into the entertainment room. Tovah’s cousins are spread out over various pieces of furniture.
Seeing everyone gathered shouldn’t be a big deal, but my chest still tightens. My anxiety is a work in progress, as Tovah puts it. Her hand in mine as she leads me to an open corner of a couch, is enough to keep me anchored though. She urges me to sit down, then she plops down in my lap, curling into me with a light press of her lips to my throat.
We settle in, talking with an exuberant Seril and Moshe sans Shon. They are obviously exhausted but happy to be childless for the night. I use the bathroom after a while. I’m surprised to find Blanche in the hallway waiting for me.
“You were watching?” I swallow hard, but nod. “Every time? I grunt in affirmation. “Did it hurt watching your woman with someone else?” I shake my head. It wasn’t ideal, but it worked for us at the time. “She’s been protecting you,” Blanche continues. “I know her well enough to know she wasn’t hiding you out of shame. She’s a tough bitch, earned the MOABAB title.” She closes the distance between us, her entire body coiling tight. “Now it’s your turn to protect her. Give her the freedom to relax, turn it all off. She doesn’t need to be ON all the time. I know she thinks everyone will fall apart without her supervision…but we all want her to be happy. To be loved like she deserves. Be that for her…or I will give you reason to wish for your past once again, as I will make that pain seem like a minor inconvenience.”
I refuse to smile at her threat. I know she means it to the depths of her soul, but it makes me happy to know that my wife inspires such loyalty from others. “Understood.”
“Good.” Blanche’s body posture softens slightly as she smirks, cocking a hip to the side. “Did you like what you saw?” She turns around, looking at me over her shoulder, “I do a lot of exercises to keep this ass high and tight.”
“You fucked my wife like a champ. Whatever you’re doing at the gym is working.” She spins back, lit up from my praise. “Besides my wife, your ass is easily top 10 I’ve seen.”
She frowns with a sound of outrage. “Top 10?!?”
“Yeah. Well, there was this one guy that tried to fuck over the mishpocheh. A real shame, he had an exceptional set of glutes. I legit bounced a quarter off his cheeks…before shoving a metal pipe between them and hooking it up to 400 amps of electricity.”
Blanche’s expression doesn’t change, but for a small tick at the corner of her eye. “I imagine he found that experience…shocking.”
We’re laughing as we reenter the entertainment room. I find Tovah on the arm of the couch. She plops back into my lap once I sit back down. Having her with me like this…magical.
Couples shift, conversations drift and at some point Tovah and I notice Bailey and Ernie sitting together on the opposite couch.
“Ernest Marx,” Tovah calls out. “When you gonna make an honest woman out of Bailey?”
“You’re all married up and now you think everyone else should be too?” Ernie jokes.
“Here man, try this.” Zeppo hands Ernie a perfectly rolled blunt. “New strain we’re trying out at the Burning Bush. You’re gonna need it.”
Ernie happily accepts, places the joint in his mouth and leans forward when Zeppo flips open a Zippo. Ha! Zeppo has a Zippo. I close my eyes, lean my head back, and laugh. Tovah taps my chin and when I open my eyes, I notice the room is a little hazy with smoke now that I look around. Shit, am I high?
“Not that I’m complaining, but why do I need it?”
“Because Tovah’s about to rip you a new one.” Zeppo knows my wife well.
Ernie, so innocent, looks at Tovah with puppy-dog eyes and a pout. “You are? Why?”
Tovah sighs. She mutters, “It’s like smacking a dog with a newspaper.” She slides off my lap and I do not like it. I clumsily grab at her and drag her back into my lap, wrapping my arms around her middle, refusing to let her go again. She pats my arms and explains to Ernie, “You and Bailey started dating around the time that Moshe and Seril got together.” Ernie bobs his head up and down, taking another long drag of his joint. “And since then, they’ve gotten married and had a child. Also, four other couples started within that time period, and two of them are already married.” She addresses Bailey, “Do you want to marry Ernie?”
“Yes,” Bailey answers instantly and confidently.
“Then why are you letting him take his sweet ol’ time getting you down the aisle?”
Bailey shrugs, “Because I have him. I don’t need a piece of paper or a ring of metal on my finger to know he loves me with his whole heart.”
“Hey!” Ernie sits up, dislodging Bailey from his lap, “Tovah, mind ya business! You were married for like seven eleventy billion years in secret.”
Surprisingly, Tovah does not rip his throat out with her teeth or bare hands. Instead, she shifts in my lap to face me. “I made a mistake. I thought we were doing the right thing, but all it did was give your pain room to grow. I should have known…should have trusted that my mishpocheh would fight for you, just as I do. It took us years to get to this moment, and I don’t want any of you,” she looks at Ernie, Bailey, and the others, “the people I care about and love the most in this world to wait when your happily ever after is right in front of you.”
“I take it back,” Jonah breaks the charged silence after Tovah’s confession. “Eating dinner with The Pharaoh is weird, but Tovah emoting is weirder.”
Sophie smacks him again; her reflexes lightning fast. He smacks her back and within seconds they resemble the human equivalent of two windmills. Harper sighs, leaning far away from the siblings.
“My God, Jonah,” Harper deadpans. Jonah drops his hands, takes one more hit to the face, and focuses on his wife. “I have never been so attracted to you. My loins…they are aflame with lust. I must have you.”
“Fuck yeah.” Jonah reaches for Harper, but she smacks his hands away and stands up. “Come on, baby, let me use my hose to douse your inflamed loins!”
Ignoring Jonah, who from the sounds of it is being smacked by multiple people, I cup Tovah’s jaw, drawing her forehead to mine. “Don’t worry, we are right on time, omri .”