Chapter 12
Zara
Igrabbed my bag and found James in the kitchen helping Sienna colour. It was another heavy rain day today, so James was off work while Kehlani was at school. "Is it okay if I head over to Mum's for a bit?"
My husband glanced up, his eyes sinking to my bag and keys before he placed a kiss on Sienna's head and stood. He crossed over to me, his face looking a little pale. Was he coming down with something?
"Is everything okay?"
I evaded his stare and shrugged. "Yeah. I just have some stuff I need to talk to her about."
His nostrils flared, and his throat bobbed. Licking his lips, he hoarsely asked, "Do you want me and Sienna to come with you?"
I shook my head, guilt and another pressing emotion carried through me. Hot tears burned against the backs of my lids, and I willed them to die away.
In a sudden movement that surprised me, James gathered my cheeks between his hands and lowered his head.
My eyes widened in surprise as he kissed me deeply, his tongue touching the seam of my lips.
Stunned, I could only stand there like an idiot while his mouth moved against mine.
It had been so long since he'd kissed me like this—so long since I'd wanted him to.
Finally, he pulled back, his breath tickling my lips.
"Wow," I murmured.
"I love you." His eye contact was intense, as if he were staring deep into my soul. His gaze held a fine sheen, almost teary-like—but that had to be just my imagination.
"Um, I love you too."
I walked out while he stared after me. In a dream-like state, I slid into my car and took a few deep breaths.
Hold it together, Zara, I chided myself.
I couldn't break down now, not in our driveway.
The whole ride over to mum's, my emotions were lingering just below the surface, threatening to unleash at any moment.
The door to mum's apartment swung open, and the smile on her face crashed when she spied my expression.
"Wha –"
"Mum, James is cheating on me." The words blurted out of me in a breathless rush. I hadn't wanted to speak those ugly words out loud; I didn't even want to entertain the thought. But my theory was becoming harder and harder to ignore.
Mum's head reared back, confusion marring her features. "What? James is what?" She stammered. She shook her head and beckoned me forward. "Jesus, sweetheart. Come inside."
It was then I realised that I was standing in the foyer of her apartment, and I hurried in before her neighbours heard me.
Mum guided me to the couch and sat me down with gentle hands.
She handed me a cup of tea to calm my nerves.
I wished it were something stronger, but I had to pick up Kehlani later.
"Okay," Mum said calmly as she sat opposite. "Now tell me everything."
I took a deep breath, procrastinating by taking a sip of my tea, trying to pretend it was wine.
"Remember when I complained about James? After he fucked up our Valentine's Day dinner?"
I hadn't had a chance to really talk to my mum about that emotional conversation. She'd asked me how I was when she'd come over for dinner—the meaning behind her words clear. But I was very conscious of James being within earshot, so I'd simply assured her that things were fine.
Mum nodded slowly. "Yes. Of course I do. You were so upset. And rightly so."
I bobbed my head in agreement. I remembered how I felt that day.
I was so angry—and not just about our dinner date.
It was an accumulation of years of selfishness and carelessness.
It was the dissatisfaction with our marriage, and the way he dismissed my feelings and toyed with my self-respect.
I was done with him. I was making decisions to end our marriage, once I had a plan in place and went back to work.
But then...
"He's changed," I said, my gaze fixed on my cup.
Mum's brow furrowed. "Changed how?"
"Like, literally overnight, he changed. He's attentive. He listens to me, he's started to use our shared calendar. He's helping me out around the house." The words filtered out as I realised how ridiculous it sounded.
"And?" Mum encouraged, her brow knitted in confusion.
"And…um, and-"
"Is he doing anything else? Coming home with lipstick on his collar? Hiding his phone? Saying he's going to the gym, but really he's meeting his lover at her home and is rumbled because the map on his phone syncs up to their bluetooth and you can see a random address?"
I stared blankly at her. "That was…oddly specific."
She shrugged and sipped at her tea. "I watch a lot of soaps. So? Is he?"
"Um…well, no. Not exactly." Not at all, actually. I thought about bringing up our sudden lack of sex, but that wasn't something I wanted to discuss with my mum.
"He's booked a vasectomy!" I quickly pointed out. "The last time we talked about him doing that, he brushed me off as if it were a joke. But now he's gone off and booked it himself."
My mother still looked confused. "Honey, isn't that a good thing?"
Yes? I mean, yes, of course it was. But still…
"It's just so abrupt. What if he's having the procedure because he's having sex with someone else and he doesn't want any accidents?"
My mum was now looking at me as if I spoke another language. Her expression was gentle, with an undercurrent of amusement. "Oh, sweetheart. I seriously doubt that. You said this change happened overnight?"
"Yes. Right after our dinner."
She nodded thoughtfully. "Okay, so maybe the Valentine's dinner was his wake-up call. Maybe he was so ashamed of his behaviour that he's wised up and decided to act right."
"Or he's cheating on me."
Mum sighed before placing her tea on the coffee table. "The last time I was over, he did seem eager to please."
"See!"
She shook her head. "That doesn't mean he's cheating, honey. It's such a big leap of an assumption to make." She took in my pale face and pinched features before her eyes softened. "Look, this is what you wanted, right? Or are you still thinking…"
"No." I shook my head before stopping. "Well, not no. I absolutely would have left him eventually. Once I had a plan in place."
"And now?"
I ran a finger around the rim of my mug, my thoughts discombobulated as I ran through my feelings at this moment. "I mean, I still love him."
"And I still loved your father when I left him," Mum added.
"Not anymore, of course. But I just knew I deserved better, and you and your brother both deserved the best version of me.
I didn't give up when things first went sideways.
I tried so hard, and I would've given anything to have your dad be a better husband, a better father. "
Mum got up and came to sit down next to me.
Her soothing touch squeezed my knee as she offered comfort that only a loving mother could give.
"As much as I'm disappointed in James for his actions, I truly do not think he's like your dad.
And the fact that he's making what I hope is a sincere effort is proof enough. "
"But what if it's temporary? What if I relax and then he does it again? Starts slipping back to his old ways."
She curved her arm around my shoulders, and I sank into her embrace. "There's only one way to find out," she said. "You need to talk to your husband."
***
James
I was metaphorically shitting myself. Zara had been gone for almost three hours, and each minute spiked an elevating fear within me.
Why had she looked like she'd been on the verge of tears? Why was her face pale, and why could she barely look me in the eyes? What was it that she needed to discuss with Bronwyn?
If I hadn't overheard their conversation all those weeks ago, I wouldn't have noticed any difference in her demeanour. I would've waved her off without glancing up, happy as a clam and totally oblivious to the fact that Zara was quite possibly working out how to leave me.
A million and one thoughts crossed my mind, all of them more terrible than the other.
Thank God I had Sienna with me. She was a welcome distraction.
I attempted to focus on our colouring activity, on our fun little dance battle, and on playing with her outside on the swings when there was a break in the weather.
But none of those distractions helped to soothe the ache in my belly and the knot in my throat.
When Zara finally came home, a storm of relief flooded me.
I instantly rose to greet her. "Hi. Is everything okay with your mum?" I hoped she couldn't hear the quiet panic in my voice.
She startled before looking around for Sienna. "Um. Yes. Mum's fine." My heart sank as I watched her retreat upstairs without another word.
I glanced at Sienna. She was busy colouring and watching one of her shows on her tablet. She had a plate of crackers and her water bottle beside her. "I'll be right back, sweetheart."
"Okay, Daddy!"
The door to our bedroom was closed, which didn't help my anxiety. I tentatively pushed it open, scared that I would find my wife packing her bags.
But what I found seemed worse than finding her stuffing clothes in her luggage. Zara was simply sitting on the bed, staring into space.
"Hey." I slowly greeted. I quietly approached her, my eyes eating up her still-pale features.
But when she finally looked at me, my heart dropped to my feet. Her eyes were red-rimmed and wet.
"What's wrong?" I sat beside Zara, unable to stop myself from grabbing her hands. Her fingers felt cold and stiff.
Unable to stand it, I finally uttered what I had been dreading to acknowledge. "You're leaving me, aren't you?"
My voice was quiet and strained, but it still did not match the level of devastation I felt. Zara's head reared back in surprise, and she stared at me in confusion. "What?"
I swallowed back my fear and forged ahead. "I heard you on the phone with Bronwyn."
Her smooth brow wrinkled. "What do you mean? When?"
Christ, I was really going to confront this head-on. "After our Valentine's dinner. I-I didn't mean to listen, but your voice carried down the hall and it just…happened."