4. Bel
Another glorious day soaking in the despair of my trauma.
Different day, same shit.
I stare at the ceiling, wondering how much longer I can sit here, drowning myself in expensive wine. This isn’t me. I know that. But I’m lost. I let out an obnoxious sigh. If I spend another day in this bed, the staff will start making the bed around me or over me.
I check the clock on my bedside table. Getting myself out of this rut I’m in will require effort. I’m not ready to let go of her, but allowing myself to be happy and leave this miserable place I’ve put myself in makes me sick to my stomach. Your life has to go on, Bel, my mom’s voice reminds me. Don’t let this end you.
I decide to think about something else, anything else. I guess I can make it down for breakfast with Seb if he didn”t stay at The Mill last night. The reminder of The Mill leads my thoughts to another person who I’d do better not to even entertain in my thoughts. I can”t think about him, or I”ll never drag myself out of this bed.
I throw back the covers and sit up, stretching my arms above my head and groaning as I try to work out the stiffness in my back. That’s what you get for lying in bed for a million days. I shove off the bed and cross the room, walking into the closet. The lights turn on as soon as I step over the threshold, and I run my fingers over the numerous articles of clothing. Something in here has to cost less than my old car.
Money or not, I”m not eating breakfast in thousand-dollar sweatpants.
When I find a pair of joggers and a hoodie that still seems suspiciously expensive, I throw them on. After a quick stop in the bathroom for deodorant, I catch my reflection in the mirror. Dark bags are under my eyes, and my once vibrant green eyes look duller now. I’m still me, but something is missing.
I look away from my reflection and pull my long blond hair up into a messy topknot. My fingers graze the tender flesh at the back of my head, and a memory flashes through my mind.
”It’s time for you to leave. You can take the trash out yourself, or I can take you out. You are nothing to me and never were. Nothing more than a warm little hole to sink into every once in a while. Now get up and get the fuck out and let us men do our talking.”
The hole in my chest throbs, pulsing, blood pouring from the place where he ripped my heart out. A physical scar will always remind me of what happened that day, but eventually, that will fade. What will not fade are the memories that Drew left me with. The rage in his eyes, the venom in his words. The pure, unfiltered hate. True or not, the pain he caused me that night will forever linger. I blink back the tears burning at the back of my eyes.
Do not cry for him. He does not deserve your tears.
I take a couple of calming breaths to compose myself. Then I leave the bathroom and walk through my bedroom, heading downstairs. Perhaps I can convince myself that Drew was never a part of my life. Ha. I wish. It would be possible if he would leave me alone, but he’s like an infestation of fleas. And there’s no damn exterminator that could take out Drew Marshall.
On my way downstairs, I take in the sights and sounds of the mansion. Staff bustle around the place like it”s a hotel instead of a home. It’s amazing to me that it takes all these people to take care of this place. Then again, I’m not surprised due to the size of it. It’s just a gross display of wealth to hide the rotten truth beneath the surface. Or maybe that’s the grief talking.
By the time I make it to the dining room, I’ve already considered going back to my room ten times. This place is too big, too over the top. It’s not home even though it’s more than my mother and I ever had. It still doesn’t compare, though.
Stepping into the formal space I”ve only seen a couple of times since moving in, I drag my eyes to the long table meant for twenty chairs. The soft rug under my bare feet runs the length of the room, from the door to the far wall, with a floor-to-ceiling window that looks out upon the estate.
Seb sits in the first chair on the right side of the table, holding a dainty tea cup. I want to smile at the ridiculously tiny cup, but I don’t have the energy.
After a second, he spots me, stands, and pulls out the chair at the head of the table, with its back to the window. It wouldn’t be my first choice for seating, but I don”t have the energy to argue, so I mutter a thanks and sit.
My ass has barely hit the seat when one of the staff bustles out of a side door with a tray of food and a carafe of coffee with all the fixings.
The contents are distributed around my place setting, and once the maid leaves, I stare down at the sheer mass of food that is about to go to waste. There”s no way in hell I”m going to eat all of this. My stomach feels weird just looking at it.
As if Sebastian can read my mind, he speaks, ”Just eat what you want and leave the rest.” It seems like such a ridiculous waste, but I don’t bother arguing with him. I pick up a croissant and nibble on it.
”It”s good to see you out of your room,” he adds casually as he sips his coffee out of that stupid cup.
His tone is too unconcerned, like if he points out that I”ve left my room, I might make a mad dash back there.
”I”m sick of wallowing.” My voice catches. ”Don”t get me wrong. I still miss my mother more than anything, but I can”t lie in that bed any longer. Lying around and doing nothing makes me sick. I need to find my way back to who I am.”
I sigh and grab a fork, spearing a piece of egg. I”ve lost way too much weight in the past month, weight I couldn”t afford to lose in the first place. I eye the runny yolk and force myself to take a bite.
”I agree, and I think you should consider going back to school. You can re-enroll at any time. All I need to do is make a phone call to the administration building. I had them hold your spot, and you won’t be penalized either.” Of course I won’t be. I withhold an eye roll. Money can buy you anything. Power. Corruption. I never asked for any of this, and maybe that’s why my mother hid the truth from me. Why didn”t she tell me about my brother or family? Maybe it’s because she left them all.
I consider everything while chewing the eggs slowly. They don’t taste half bad.
It”s still disconcerting to me that Sebastian’s being so nice after everything that happened between him and me, between Drew and me. He’s Drew’s best friend, so he should take his side, but if anything, Sebastian appears to be against him now, and I don’t know if I can or should trust that.
He might be my only relation left, but I don”t expect him to take care of me like a child. In fact, I’m very against it. I’m not going to be anybody’s problem.
”I”ll figure it out. I mean...” I let out a long sigh. ”I’m undecided. The idea of going back to Oakmount terrifies me. It brings back all kinds of memories that I don’t want to relive. Plus, I don”t even have my laptop or my books.”
Maybe I could enroll in online classes instead? No. As antisocial as I like to tell myself I am, I”d miss the library too much. Hell, I already miss it. The smell of the books, the quietness. I haven”t been back to campus or my dorm room since my mom died, and the thought of going back makes the eggs in my belly churn roughly.
”None of that is a big deal. We can get you new books, and you already have a new laptop. Those are easy fixes.” He gives me a boyish smile that might have warmed my heart previously, but now just annoys me.
I hate myself for hating Sebastian.
He keeps throwing around how easy it is to drop thousands of dollars like it”s nothing. I might have money now, not that I”ve really spent anything, but that doesn”t mean I can switch my brain to his rich boy way of thinking automatically. I refuse to let the concept of money change my thinking. I’m still Maybel. The quiet, shy bookworm. I’m still the girl my mom loved.
I place the fork down on the table and look him right in the eyes. ”Look, I know you’re trying to help, and I don’t mean to sound ungrateful because I’m not. But I don”t want new books. I want my stuff, the stuff my mother and I worked hard to buy. I refuse to let those things go to waste and toss them out because I can buy new ones. Then there’s my notes for classes. Those aren’t replaceable and are in my old laptop, as well as a number of notebooks. I can”t replace that stuff without taking the classes over again.”
There. I even did it without hissing at him.
”It’s whatever you want, Bel. Do what you like.” He dismisses me without another glance and goes back to scrolling on his phone and drinking his coffee.
But is it really?I can’t help but wonder if there’s a hidden agenda. I also kind of want to smash his stupid cup.
I pick my fork back up and continue eating while I watch him cautiously, both wanting to get to know him better and not getting too close for fear that he’ll disappear. His appearance is well put together. Today, he”s added a coat and tie to his usual dress slacks and button-down. ”Going somewhere?”
He jerks his gaze to mine, then notices me staring at his clothes. ”Not really, why?”
”You usually don”t give so much banker chic this early in the morning.”
His full lips fold into a straight line while he narrows his eyes at me. ”If we are commenting on each other”s apparel...” His gaze flicks down to my clothing. “You’ve got the whole stay-at-home-mom style down pat, minus the spit-up on your sweatshirt.”
”Thanks, jerk.” I eat some more food, feeling a little lighter for the teasing. “Your cup looks like it came out of a toy set.”
It feels right, good. Mom would have loved him. I just know it.
My heart seizes in my chest, and I let the fork clatter to the plate. Every time I remember she”s gone, it feels like I’m getting hit by a truck all over again.
”You okay?” Seb’s deep voice drags me back to reality, and I notice him crouching beside my chair, his hand resting gently on the armrest.
I swallow thickly. ”Yeah, I”m fine. Just the usual reminder of her not being here anymore.” Emotion clogs my throat, but I refuse to cry. I can’t continue with life if I start crying every time I think of her. “If you’re good with it, I’m going to grab my coat and head over to the dorm to get my things.”
”You never have to ask my permission to leave, Bel. You’re not a prisoner here. This is your home, and I’m your brother. I don’t want to control you. I just want to keep you safe. Now, do you really think it’s a good idea to go back there?” The concern etched into his handsome features makes me pause, and I know he’s not lying.
I shrug and try to curl my mouth into something more than a wince. ”I don’t know if it’s a good idea, but it’s the only one I have. I can’t keep hiding behind the four walls of that bedroom. I can’t keep pretending she’s not gone. I have to try… I”ll just go in, grab my stuff, and leave as quickly as I came. I doubt Jackie will even be there.”
The memory of my friend, or who I thought was my friend, burns like drops of acid on my skin.
“I can send someone with you, or maybe I can come with you if that would make you feel more comfortable?”
I shake my head. “No. I’m not going to hide behind you. You might be my brother, but I’m capable of protecting myself, and I’m not scared of Jackie or Drew. At some point, I will have to face them. It’s best to get it over and done with.”
He nods and returns to his seat, but I can still feel his eyes on me. He’s waiting for me to shatter so he can pick up the pieces again, but I’m tired of breaking. Tired of being seen as fragile. Seconds tick by, and I notice the way his jaw tenses. I can see Seb wants to say something or ask something, but he hasn’t spoken yet.
“What’s up? If your jaw gets any more tense, you’ll have to go to the dentist for your broken teeth.”
His lips turn up into a smile. ”I’m just thinking… do you think I look like her at all?”
My heart lurches in my chest. He’s been so focused on helping me survive and overcome the grief that I’m not sure he’s even grieved himself. I tend to forget that he, too, lost a parent. A parent he never got the chance to develop a relationship with.
I smile. ”Yeah, I can see it now that I”m looking for it.”
His green eyes twinkle just like our mother’s did, and it’s almost too much for me to endure. “Okay, that’s enough brotherly love for the day,” I joke and stand to head out of the room, hoping a little distance will dissipate the tightness in my chest.
“I know it’s hard and even a little uncomfortable… but I want you to know that I’ll always be here for you, Bel. I’m pissed that you were here this entire time, practically right under my nose, and I had no idea. Family is something I never had, and I missed out on getting to meet my real mom. I don’t want to miss out on developing a relationship with you, too.”
Dammit. The pressure on my chest becomes too much, and all I can do is nod. I scurry out of the room before I start to cry. Stupid tears.
Once back in my room, I find the place clean and the bed freshly made. I’m tempted to crawl under the covers and forget my plans for the day, but that wouldn’t do me any good. I need to pull myself together, to do something other than lie in bed all day. I need to do this for me, for Mom. She wouldn’t want me to lie around in bed all day, crying and dwelling on the things I can’t change.
I head for the closet and scour through the shelves, looking for a pair of jeans. I pluck a pair off a stack, and it hits me…
What will I do if I see Jackie? Ugh. What if I run into Drew? That would be my luck. Run into both of them.
I sigh, pull on the pair of jeans and my heaviest shit-kicker combat boots, and head down to the foyer.
They stored my car around here somewhere, but I haven”t been outside much since I arrived. When one of the staff approaches at my lost look, they call a driver to take me to the campus. I don”t have the strength to argue, especially if it”s an extra pair of hands to help me carry anything I might need to bring back.
The car is something fancy and shiny and smells like old money. The driver opens the door for me, and as I climb inside, my phone vibrates with a text.
Sebastian. Of freaking course.
Sebastian:Be careful. Call if you need anything.
I shakemy head as I type back.
Me:Yes, Dad.
His response makes me laugh.
Sebastian:Ew. Don”t.
I tuck my phone into my hoodie pocket along with my keys and stare out the window as we drive toward campus. How long has Sebastian”s family lived here? I guess I have to get used to calling them our family now even though it feels all wrong.
Why had Mother kept them a secret? Her letter didn”t say much besides to trust Sebastian and that he would take care of me. How can I trust her in this when she doesn”t know him any better than I do? Did she?
There are so many secrets that they feel like they are eating me alive and crawling under my skin. So many secrets and too many lies.
I”m thinking so hard as we drive to campus that the driver has to clear his throat when he opens the door to alert me to our arrival.
I climb out and give him a nod. ”Thanks. I”ll have some stuff to bring back to the house with me in a minute.”
”Very good, miss.”
I guess money really makes people respect you… or at the very least, afraid of you.
Gotta get used to that too.
I sigh and jog up the steps to the dorm building, then scan my card to enter. My body is tense as I walk. My nerves twinge with adrenaline as I walk down the hall to my room—my old room now, I guess. I unlock the door and stop dead when I spot Jackie sitting at the table in the middle of the main room.
We both freeze—her with a spoon halfway to her mouth and me with my keys dangling from my fingers.
She recovers first, as usual. ”What the fuck do you want?”
Oh hell no, she doesn”t get to speak to me that way after she completely betrayed me. ”What”s wrong, Jackie? Your sugar daddy tired of you already, now that you have nothing to offer him?”
Her face twists into an angry scowl, and she plops her spoon into her bowl, splattering milk around in an arc.
I shake my head and turn to my room, thankful I locked the door the last time I was here. Everything inside is just as I left it.
It takes a minute to find some tote bags and load them up with books and a few things I want to take. My laptop is too old to be crushed with the books, so I”ll have to carry it.
”What, your sugar daddy can”t afford to buy you new stuff?” Jackie sneers from the door.
”Sebastian isn”t my sugar daddy. He”s my brother,” I say absently as I pack, refusing to let my anger ride me.
”What?” She sounds like herself with that, and another pang shoots through my chest. God, I miss her just as much as I miss my mom.
I bow my head and squeeze my eyes shut so I don”t start crying. I can”t let her see me cry.
When I”ve grabbed everything I want, I turn to face her. ”Did you need something, or are you just standing there to watch me pack?”
”I don”t need a goddamn thing from you. You ruined everything!”
”Me? How did I do that? I”m not the one selling secrets and my pussy for money.”
She hisses out a breath and stalks toward me. “Oh, aren’t you. Pretty sure that’s what you’ve been doing with Drew for months. Selling your snatch for his A’s. What would the school think of that if they found out the truth?”
I”m not playing this game with her. The second she gets in reach, I throw down the doors of all the anger, the heartbreak, the hurt I”ve been bottling up for weeks and throw it straight at her face in the form of my fist into her nose.
It collides with a satisfying crunch, then a thunderbolt of pain shoots into my knuckles and up my arm. Fucking worth it, though.
She doubles over, blood spraying through her fingers. ”What the fuck?” she garbles.
I step around her with my bags and place them on the table. Then I strip my key off my key ring and drop both keys and the key card onto the floor near the table. I won”t be back here again, that’s for damn sure.
“You can tell the school whatever you like. Let’s see who they believe...you...or Sebastian Arturo.”
The door slams behind me, and my hand stings while I carry the heavy bags, but I feel twenty pounds lighter after that confrontation. She”s out of my life for good, and I don”t need to open that door again.
Maybe to finally get closure with Drew, I need a confrontation with him as well? I don”t feel strong enough for it, but I didn”t feel strong enough to face Jackie either.
But maybe with Drew, only one of us will come out hurt, too. I just have to make sure it’s not me.